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Issues again in my marriage


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QuestionLove73

I have been married for just over 5 years, together for nearly 10. In the past 3 years we have had 2 wonderful children, but it seems as time is passing our relationship is going through new and old issues that is really starting to bother me (and my wife) and I almost feel I am at an impasse.

 

Over the past 6 months I have taken an old job that is 5+ hours away from home. I am lucky to have the flexibility to travel back home every weekend to spend time with my wife and kids. But of course this will put a strain on a relationship, especially mine that has had serious issues in the past. This issues include:

 

- She cheated before we were married, but i did not find out till a year plus after we were married

- She contracted a STD

- Our relationship has been largely sexless

- We are very different people

- She has serious self esteem issues

 

Regarding the cheating I forgave her but I will admit it still hurts me to this day. The face that she contracted a STD I am sure has subcounciously put me off of her on many occasions, so our largely sexless relationship has seemingly gotten worse. Now with the travel and lack of me being there sex is even less frequent.

 

Her self esteem issues I also think are starting to really impact me. I have tried I believe every form of encouragement I can think of trying to get her to a better place, all unsuccessfuly including weight issues (she gained 70+ in our first year together and she is always down on herself for it) to just general male trust issues.

 

I think I am starting to lose this battle now. Over the past couple weeks I have been feeling really down and defeated over this. I just don't know how much more I can give and that really kills me even more so now because I love my kids to death and I still do love my wife. But it seems we are drifting more and more. When I am home on my 2-3+ day weekends we hardly spend time with each other, she is engrossed in trying to enjoy what time she has playing a PC game or watching TV. I try to engage her into things but she seems largely uninterested. There is even a part of me that thinks either she just really interested anymore and/or she is seeing someone. I try not to go down that road, and even though she violated that trust a few years back I refuse to invade her privacy to validate or invalidate my thoughts.

 

I am stuck. I am in a rut. At 35 I almost wonder if these past 10 years have been worth the emotional drain it has become. I almost want to hate myself for even thinking that.

 

Thoughts?

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Till your younger child is 18 years old, you are stuck. Suck it up.

For better (free) advise, call Dr Joy or Dr Laura (both have radio shows) and both are excellent.

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QuestionLove73
Till your younger child is 18 years old, you are stuck. Suck it up.

For better (free) advise, call Dr Joy or Dr Laura (both have radio shows) and both are excellent.

 

Seriously? That is the best advise you could give?

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I think you should seriously try MC... it's a hard place whe you are now. Does she know how you feel about this?

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I can sincerely hear the pain in your post and wish to give you a response worthy of you in the hope that something I might say can be of use to you.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that her extreme weight gain has to do with self protection issues. Believe it or not... so did the affair. What, if anything, in her past was so traumatic that she is seeking to protect herself from vulnerability? I wonder about this aspect of her the most.

 

It is wonderful to hear a man speak of his love for his wife in such a way. You love her even though she has gained over 70 lbs. and isn't interested in sex. All too often the men on this board focus on how much they are 'getting' from their wives... sex becomes the be all and end all and... they are willing to do anything to get it. I find that to be the biggest turn off imaginable. Most women do.

 

You have been extremely loving towards her insofar as understanding the infidelity, the weight gain, the disinterest in you etc... and I wonder if you have really sat her down and given her a face to face on what's going on... She sounds as if she is in the 'avoidance' mode. Preoccupied with things. Inasmuch as you don't want to snoop I would suggest you do so and I'd do so asap. You need to understand what's going on in her life and the sooner the better.

 

I found out a heck of a lot when I snooped. In fact I was in total shock over what I found... I couldn't believe it. Anyone in trouble needs some sort of intervention from those who love them and in your wife's case I believe she needs to have someone intervene. Your 'gut' is speaking the truth here I think. Snoop, verify, and take action. Your life, her life and your children's lives are worth the time an emotional investment in doing so. She may be needing you more than you think.

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...

Inasmuch as you don't want to snoop I would suggest you do so and I'd do so asap. You need to understand what's going on in her life and the sooner the better.

 

...

 

I would whole heartedly agree with this advise. Gamine is right, even though it seems like a privacy issue, and others may disagree, the truth must be known. I won't go into why I know snooping works.

 

But include MC in that strategy, I belive in it brings you together to as partners to look at your problems as common to you both, so that the solutions are mutual.

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It is wonderful to hear a man speak of his love for his wife in such a way. You love her even though she has gained over 70 lbs. and isn't interested in sex. All too often the men on this board focus on how much they are 'getting' from their wives... sex becomes the be all and end all and... they are willing to do anything to get it. I find that to be the biggest turn off imaginable. Most women do.

That's a strong message Gamine and probably good insight into how many women think. But I'd also hope that you are considering both points of view, both male and female. Any partner that gains 100 lbs and stops interest in sex isn't "loving" their spouse in the active sense, feelings aside. I personnally find the OP's relationship as described to be frustratingly one-sided. Most men would agree...

 

Mr. Lucky

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QuestionLove73

Yes the relationship can feel frustratingly one sided at times, but then again maybe that is what my wife feels too. A big issue of the marriage is the lack of communication when it comes to tough issues. We will get into an argument (like we did this weekend) where it will start with something simple and escalate. For instantce my son was having a rough time getting back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. I had woken up my wife to see if she could handle him after 1.5 hours of trying, plus I was sick to boot, and she got very mad that I had woken her up because she needed sleep.

 

Now to defend my wife she does not have it easy. I am not there 4-5 days a week and she has to take care of the kids at night on her own, work a part time job, and try to keep her sanity. But meanwhile I am working insanely hard (12-16 hour work days) then I drive 5-7 hours back up to NY to be with her and the kids, and usually Sundays drive back 6-7 hours, get 2-4 hours of sleep and get back to work. It's a very tough cycle on the both of us but a lot of times I feel that she feels I have it much easier than her so she is deserving of more sleep and alone time to get her batteries recharged. It seems that it is unbalanced against me a lot of times.

 

I do think she is depressed, and has been for over 9.5 years. She has not seen a psychiatrist in that time so if she is truly depressed she has not been diagnosed. She has seen a psychologist and I am unhappy about what she has said, things like "your husband is bound to cheat on you". That is just so frustrating that a "professional" would come to a conclusion like that (and for the record I have never cheated on her or anyone else, ever) especially given that my wife is so determined that I will cheat or leave her (again with the self esteem issues).

 

*SIGH*

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Now to defend my wife she does not have it easy. I am not there 4-5 days a week and she has to take care of the kids at night on her own, work a part time job, and try to keep her sanity. But meanwhile I am working insanely hard (12-16 hour work days) then I drive 5-7 hours back up to NY to be with her and the kids, and usually Sundays drive back 6-7 hours, get 2-4 hours of sleep and get back to work. It's a very tough cycle on the both of us but a lot of times I feel that she feels I have it much easier than her so she is deserving of more sleep and alone time to get her batteries recharged. It seems that it is unbalanced against me a lot of times.

To me, seems contradictory that you are so commited to your wife and family that your will hang in there through all these challenges, and yet you accept an employment situation that has you gone 4-5 days a week and exhausted the 2 days you're there :confused: ???

 

How can someone be an effective husband - and father - under those conditions?

 

Mr. Lucky

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QuestionLove73
To me, seems contradictory that you are so commited to your wife and family that your will hang in there through all these challenges, and yet you accept an employment situation that has you gone 4-5 days a week and exhausted the 2 days you're there :confused: ???

 

How can someone be an effective husband - and father - under those conditions?

 

Mr. Lucky

I have no choice with the employment right now. In the North East the job market is horrible and what jobs are there the pay is far from what it was just a year ago. In the DC Metro area the job market is much better. In the coming months they will move down to the DC area once we have some debts paid down that we have accumulated over the past couple years.

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I understand. But you also have to be aware of the price of what you're doing. If your wife is indeed depressed and you have all these other issues in your marriage and life, nothing is going to improve until you have the time and focus - impossible under your current situation - to address them. So while coming here may give you a chance to vent, I'm not sure how anyone could give you helpful feedback given the constraints of your situation. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

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