mhaskell Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Ok. I've read a couple of post on open marriages on here and most of what I read was negative. Currently I am in a situation were my spouse and I are trying to decide if an open marriage will work for us. The current situation is I am sick, so we don't have much of a sex life (like none) I feel guilty because I'm not meeting her needs. I suggested we have an open (which we have discussed periodically during our 5 year marriage). I should mention here that I am a woman married to a woman. She is gay and I am bisexual. She wants to proceed but she feels guilty even though I am fine with it, and she's also worried that I will meet a man and leave. I know most of her insecurities and jealousy come from prior bad relationships she's had were her partners cheated on repeatedly. I've already expressed to her that is she does not want to go through with it I will accept, but she's scared that if she says no I will resent her and eventually leave her. Plus everything she reads online and all the information and suggestions she's getting are coming from people who have not been in this situation and are giving a biased opinion. I love my wife and I have no plans to leave her. I think she needs to hear from someone in an open relationship and maybe a therapist to address her jealousy issues. Because even without this on the table she is still angry and jealous of any man who even looks at me. I don't know what to do anymore. I think our marriage is in trouble with or without an open marriage, this is like our last resort. Maybe someone can offer me an unprejudiced suggestion? (she is not really open to therapy) Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I dont think it's a good idea. Y'all are both females and females cannot control their emotions period. It might work because maybe both of you in your situation might be open for it. but there are many variables that can go wrong. And things that can go wrong will go wrong. I dont know.. How sick are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mhaskell Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 well i have fibromyalgia ( some days I'm so much pain I can't move and other days I'm ok) plus colitus. I don't always feel very sexual at all. I'm going through medical testing to find a comfortable place, plus therapy for all issues the illness' have caused. Sometimes I think she would be better off with out me. I just want her to be happy. But I also think we should always be honest and fair. I wouldn't ask her to do something I'm not willing to do, and I wouldn't do something didn't want to. Its all messed up right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I don't know what to do anymore. I think our marriage is in trouble with or without an open marriage, this is like our last resort. Maybe someone can offer me an unprejudiced suggestion? (she is not really open to therapy) Here's your real issue right here. I'm going to say one thing regarding "Open Marriages". I know enough about them to know I'm not a person capable of having that type of relationship. I haven't known anyone who has done this. That said, I'm not biased against those who do, and I think it's possible for some people to be successful and happy in that type of a relationship. It sounds to me based on your illnesses (and other issues you allude to that don't have anything to do with sexuality) that your marriage is going through a rocky period. In my opinion, adding an open sexual relationship at this stage in your marriage would be rocking the boat way too hard, and not a solution for your current issues. Work on your current issues. If your wife will not go to therapy with you, you should go by yourself. Perhaps she will join you eventually. When you move past this turbulent time in your relationship and things are calmer, then you should re-examine this idea of an open relationship. Don't look at an open relationship as something to solve your problems, but rather something that might increase your happiness. If you are not happy to begin with, an open relationship is not going to enhance that. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I dont think it's a good idea. Y'all are both females and females cannot control their emotions period. It might work because maybe both of you in your situation might be open for it. but there are many variables that can go wrong. And things that can go wrong will go wrong. I dont know.. How sick are you? Oh, give me a break! Ahh yes, we're all just puddles of emotion. What a load! This has nothing to do with you both as women, OP, this has to do with your relationship. I agree with Teslacoil that at this point, I'm not sure an open marriage is the answer, if only because there seem to be so many other issues at hand. As I always tell my daughter, eat the elephant one bite at a time...deal with one situation (ie. working on your illnesses, possibly individual therapy, etc.), and when those things are resolved, take another look at your situation. When you're both in a better place mentally, and can discuss it without jealousy and/or other issues getting the situation bogged down, it might be that it's easier to see whether this is something you both want to agree to, or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Believe what you want but almost of all the posts I seen here in the OW board or those females entrenched in affairs their emotions get the better of them, to some people open marriages is like condoned adultery. I'm just stating the facts. Who knows what might happen if this woman falls for the person she chooses. It's a tough decision because of the extenuating circumstances but damn like i said it's so many variables. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Believe what you want but almost of all the posts I seen here in the OW board or those females entrenched in affairs their emotions get the better of them, to some people open marriages is like condoned adultery. I'm just stating the facts. Who knows what might happen if this woman falls for the person she chooses. It's a tough decision because of the extenuating circumstances but damn like i said it's so many variables. So basically what you're saying is if they were a heterosexual couple, that wouldn't be the case, or better yet, if it were 2 men involved? I understand that to some people open marriage is 'condoned adultery' - I happen to be the kind of person who, while I wouldn't judge people who choose that lifestyle, I could never be a part of it. But, if a man & a woman (or two committed men) decide this is the lifestyle they choose, what's to keep the man from being the one who falls for the person chosen? Believe it or not, men are not the only ones capable of making decisions based on factors other than emotion, Chrome:) Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 So basically what you're saying is if they were a heterosexual couple, that wouldn't be the case, or better yet, if it were 2 men involved? I understand that to some people open marriage is 'condoned adultery' - I happen to be the kind of person who, while I wouldn't judge people who choose that lifestyle, I could never be a part of it. But, if a man & a woman (or two committed men) decide this is the lifestyle they choose, what's to keep the man from being the one who falls for the person chosen? Believe it or not, men are not the only ones capable of making decisions based on factors other than emotion, Chrome:) I never said anything about a hetrosexual couple. it has nothing to do with gender about the couple, straight or gay. I noticed two females that's what came first in my estimation. And with two gay men who knows what might happen! lmao. I'm just saying that women are emotional, and in this case it's so many variables, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I never said anything about a hetrosexual couple. it has nothing to do with gender about the couple, straight or gay. I noticed two females that's what came first in my estimation. And with two gay men who knows what might happen! lmao. I'm just saying that women are emotional, and in this case it's so many variables, that's all. But female IS the gender here...that's all I was alluding to - you said it wasn't a good idea to have an open marriage because they're both females & that females "cannot control their emotions period." I was just pointing out that it isn't just females - it's ANYONE is a relationship who is considering make that relationship "Open" that would want to think about the fact that one partner or the other could fall for the chosen person. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I'm talking gender as in hetrosexual and or gay couples. lol. most often than not it's the females who cant control their emotions as evidenced on this board. but you could be right about what you said. I do agree with you. we will see... Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I'm talking gender as in hetrosexual and or gay couples. lol. most often than not it's the females who cant control their emotions as evidenced on this board. but you could be right about what you said. I do agree with you. we will see... Deal :::shaking hands::: Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 This works for very few couples...also you make confusing statements... first, that you love her and have no plans to leave her and then that things are very rocky and the open marriage could be the "last resort". Funny also that you are the one promoting this idea when you are the one not sexually motivated right now. If she is okay with things as they are, why should you not be? I think letting her know that you would understand if she got to a period of sexual frustration and wanted to discuss some solution down the road is enough of an offer...it sort of comes across that you are not talking about a one-sided thing at all "just to give her relief" in light of your illness...but BOTH of you being with other partners...and that seems contrary to your lack of interest and if I were her I would be jealous in this case too. I could be wrong, but I get an undercurrent of you wanting to be with men in your post... Anyway if you love her, jealousy and all, you will not open this can of worms. Jealousy and open marriages DEFINITELY DO NOT successfully coexist. BTW I was in an open marriage,albeit a heterosxual one. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. It DOES work for some people (not many), but the way you are describing it sounds very disjoint and murky...in one way making it sound like it would be for her, then admitting almost that you are the one who wants it, implying your relationship is solid and then that you're looking for a last resort... nothing in your OP makes me think this could possibly work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts