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Feeling pressured to entertain girlfriend...


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I moved in recently (about 3 weeks ago) to a house with my girlfriend of about a year and a half. She's a wonderful girl... Thoughtful, intelligent, loving, sexual, similar interests blah blah you get the picture. I love her. She loves me.

 

We are both young (23 yrs old) and have our B.S. degrees in different disciplines. As I already have a good job, and she remains unemployed, I've been paying for pretty much everything so far, which I have no problem with other than the fact that... drum roll... she seems to be "slacking" in my eyes. Rolling out of bed around 9:30, wasting lots of time piddling around on her computer... She seems to be stalling on doing important job search related activities. She explained that her lack of confidence apparently bars her from coming up with a resume on her own, or even calling people to inquire about employment. Thus, she seems to be stuck in the house. I realize that it is not necessarily my place to push her on these things, which is why I've been trying to take (more or less) a sidelined approach to her daily life. I have neither the time, energy, or desire to control her activities.

 

At the same time, pretty much every second of my time spent outside of work is with her, either doing leisure activities such as walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking together, watching movies together, playing tennis together, etc. I also take martial arts classes twice a week for 1 hour each session (read: 2 hours per week). This does not involve her, due to her lack of finances. Recently, I got excited about adding an extra hour to my martial arts training per week for Judo. When I told her about this, she flipped **** :confused:, and went on and on about how she needs me for breaking up the monotony of her day, and how me taking an extra hour per week to play some Judo would tie up the whole evening and it would basically mean an extra day "ruined".

 

Drama aside, I feel she has a point. Put in her shoes, I can understand that sitting around the house all day must make an extra hour every week seem unreasonable. At the same time, I can't help but feel that since I'm paying for everything, I should be able to do what I damn well please with my time and money, especially since she seems to have no problem with taking her sweet time with her job search (of which her unemployment is costing me money...).

 

My proposition to her was that she should come up with ideas of things she wants to do, and I will do my best to do them with her. I also explained that I don't want to be responsible for being her sole source of entertainment and fun. This of course made her angry, but dammit, it's true...

 

My question is this: Do I start Judo anyways, with the attitude that "I can do what I want with my time and money, so figure it out sweetie!"

 

or

 

Do I do as she pleases, continue to pay for everything, and make every second outside of work a "couples fun time" activity?

 

or

 

Do I start Judo, with the attitude that "This is my 'me' time, but I will put in extra effort now to make sure that the things we do as a couple aren't infringed upon"

 

Suggestions please. I apologize for the scattered and long story.

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justpassingthrough

Maybe she can go to an employment service center for help getting her resume together during the hour you're enjoying the Judo lessons you work to pay for?

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What you are wanting to do is in no way a slight or dishonor to her or your relationship. It is something you have the money for and the drive to participate in. It benefits your spirit and health. These are things she should not see as a threat.

 

Not if she has a healthy attitude IMO.

 

Tell her to enroll in a job training course. One of those ones that coach you on how to make a viable resume and basic job skills. It will fill up time, add to her self esteem, and maybe even result in a job. :eek:

 

If money conflicts, figure out which one benefits the both of you best for the long term. Maybe it will end up with you waiting a bit for your extra hour of judo. I don't know your finances.

 

Look to how she commits to the project as an indication of the strength of her character. If she can't see it through....well...I think you see where this is going.

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Maybe she can go to an employment service center for help getting her resume together during the hour you're enjoying the Judo lessons you work to pay for?

 

 

Are you just passing through in my head? :confused:

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Honestly, I feel like she's being selfish. I appreciate & agree with the suggestion of her going to a job center/job coach to help her get a resume together & learn the ins and outs of applying for jobs. However, if she got through 4 years of higher education and is no more motivated than it sounds like she is to get a job, maybe you two need to sit down together and figure out what goals she has for her future.

 

As far as your judo class goes, if you can afford it, I say go for it. If you are footing all the bills AND keeping her "entertained" on your off hours, seems to me you should be able to enjoy the fruits of your labors without having to feel guilty. She's a big girl - she should be able to figure out her own ways to fill some time while you indulge in a mere 3 hours of fitness each week.

 

JMHO ;)

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If the situation were reversed and you were the "dead beat bf" everyone would scream LEAVE! He's taking advantage of you! So I'll say the same thing. Dump her lazy ass. She won't get a job? Hello MOOOOOCHer. She freaks when you want to do an extra activity? Hello SELFISH one.

 

I say start Judo, in fact do it 3 times a week. It's your money your time. Tell her to get a job. And yes, you're allowed to tell her that. If she chooses not to, I'd do ever MORE Judo. So much Judo that she either dumps you or gets a job.

 

Lazy men are losers, lazy women are losers.

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whichwayisup

It will just take abit of time to get used to eachother and get into a routine that allows you both to spend time together and apart. Just because you live together doesn't mean you give up your hobbies, time with friends, or just alone time. You should be able to spend an evening on the computer, or watching tv, reading without having to worry if she'll be pissed or upset. Same goes with her.

 

Neither of you should ask permission, but obviously have common courtesy for eachother. Call if you're going to be late, stuff like that..Consideration and compromise is important.

 

It isn't your job to 'entertain' her.

 

If she lacks self confidence then she needs work on that, and along the way you keep encouraging her.

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It is your personal right to engage in an activity independently!

Something tells me that she'd have an issue with this regardless of whether or not she was working.

 

Don't start giving up things that are important to you. You only do it once a week for crying out loud! This is something that enriches your life and brings you joy, so stand up for yourself and go do it.

 

I am all about compromising in a relationship, and it seems you have been quite accomodating.

 

Trust me, if you start giving up things you enjoy so you don't rock the boat- you'll begin feeling resentment towards her. I think you have to nip this in the bud and have a serious talk with her. Enough is enough, it's time she got a job.

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hoping2heal

This is bizarre, why on earth does she think YOU'RE responsible for breaking up the monotany of her day? Is there some other part to this story we don't know about or what? I just don't see why anyone would think someone else is responsible for breaking up the monotony of their day. It isn't like you don't spend time with her, if she hardly got to see you, I could see her being upset because she misses you and wants to spend time with you. But you say that you spend all your time outside of work with her.

 

I don't know, this is just bizarre.

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not only is she lazy,but she's controling also. if you don't get her straightened around it WILL get worse.

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Lazy and insecure, two things that usually end up with her eventually going to cheat on you. She has no right to put that guilt on you. I would start being a little more firm here with her. Sounds like she's gotten away with quite a bit during her teenage days.

 

I would let her know that you are going because you enjoy it, not to get away from her. That she needs to find the motivation to start her job searches and to find either a hobby or other things to keep her occupied. It's not your job to be her parent. Which you are. Housing her, feeding her, paying all the bills. When you get some down time it's spent entertaining her. Don't you see where this is going? It's become an adult-child relationship. IMO if it gets too far, she will then start rebelling (ie. partying it up, cheating, etc..) while you the parent chase after her.

 

Being on the computer all the time? Find a good key logger and see what she's spending all her time on, you might be surprised.

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Thanks all for the advice!

 

I honestly don't believe that she would ever cheat on me... if nothing else, we do have trust in each other. While this might seem precarious right now, this trust has been nurtured for a long time...

 

More info: When she and I started dating, we were seeing each other basically daily (at school, hanging out, same town, etc.) We went to the same university, so nothing was strange.

 

When I moved back home for that summer for an internship, we did the long distance thing. After some personal trials with some retroactive jealousy type bouts, we successfully emerged into being together in the physical again. I graduated a semester earlier than her, so before about 3 weeks ago, we had been doing long distance for about 4 and a half months. Of course, we made efforts to see each other every other weekend or so, but the distance made it impractical to do anything else but.

 

I guess what I'm saying is this: if she was going to cheat on me, she would have had plenty of opportunities to do so. Instead she spent most of her time studying hard, working hard, and occasionally hanging out with her best girl friend.

 

Now that she's newly jobless in a new town (I got a decent job here, and she made the choice to follow me), she has a very minimal amount of out-of-household socialization, and nothing of which would necessarily count as a true "friendship".

 

Here's my take: once she finds a job, many of these problems will simply evaporate. She'll surely, with time, make some friends at work. Along with that, she'll have the self esteem boost of bringing in some money, along with not feeling so indebted and deadbeat.

 

As far as her perceived laziness goes, I think that what I see as laziness may in fact just be lack of confidence. Networking and job searching are complicated activities that require non-intrinsic skill sets. I liked the idea of one of the posters that she should enroll in a job preparation class. Coincidentally, I found one for her yesterday, so hopefully she'll take the initiative and go to that (haha I might have to kick her in the ass, but I don't think she'll regret it).

 

I see how this is a slippery slope with the whole "parent child relationship" thing... Guess I'll work on that :sick:

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justpassingthrough

Here's my take: once she finds a job, many of these problems will simply evaporate.

 

Some, but not all.

 

If you don't set the parameters now, she will perpetually look to you to make her happy. Her happiness isn't your responsibility, even though she might think so.

 

What are you going to do about that?

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If the situation were reversed and you were the "dead beat bf" everyone would scream LEAVE! He's taking advantage of you! So I'll say the same thing. Dump her lazy ass. She won't get a job? Hello MOOOOOCHer. She freaks when you want to do an extra activity? Hello SELFISH one.

 

I say start Judo, in fact do it 3 times a week. It's your money your time. Tell her to get a job. And yes, you're allowed to tell her that. If she chooses not to, I'd do ever MORE Judo. So much Judo that she either dumps you or gets a job.

 

Lazy men are losers, lazy women are losers.

I like your style.

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Lauriebell82

I agree with the fact that if this was a girl posting about her lazy boyfriend we would all be saying "lose him!" So yeah, she is pretty much doing the same thing.

 

If she was still in school or trying to find a job and couldn't (the ecomony IS bad right now) then I'd say maybe cut her some slack. But it's pretty obvious she isn't even trying. Does she at least say thank you and that she appreciates you?

 

Oh the "I'm too shy to make a resume" excuse is BS in my opinion. How does she ever expect to find a job? She has a degree, I'm sure she could find SOMETHING even if it is some entry level job. She just has to put a resume together and email it/mail it to employers. How hard is that?

 

I take it you pay all the bills? Again the fact that she doesn't even CARE about helping you out shows that she is a moocher. Sit down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her everything you have just told us. Don't do an ultimatum, but if she still refuses to get a job after you talk to her make it clear that you will have to think about whether this relationship will work. If she doesn't get her act together than obviously she doesn't give a crap about the relationship and you don't want to be with someone like that.

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There’s lots of folks who are dynamos when they’re single, but somehow become almost too complacent once they settle into a comfortable relationship. It’s like all that energy, enthusiasm, and motivation they once had goes right out the window and they turn their lives completely over to that other person.

 

My guess is, you’re an awesome guy and she’s so wrapped up in you she can’t see past anything else right now. I think age and inexperience plays a big role in that. Eventually (like WhichWay mentioned) the novelty of having you 24/7 will wear off and she’ll feel more secure about allowing some time and distance between you.

 

Meanwhile, keep doing what you’re doing and TAKE those extra classes. With a little more persuasion, perhaps she’ll eventually realize she can’t just sit around the house waiting for you to get home so she can live vicariously through you.

 

And if all else fails ... GIVE her that boot in the ayas to get out there and make friends, get a hobby, and put that degree to work so she help contribute to your living expenses. Most likely, she’ll thank you for it later!

 

By the way --- I don’t think she’s cheating on you, either. ;) Good Grief, the poor gal sounds WAY too hung up on you for that! :laugh::laugh:

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I moved in recently (about 3 weeks ago) to a house with my girlfriend of about a year and a half. She's a wonderful girl... Thoughtful, intelligent, loving, sexual, similar interests blah blah you get the picture. I love her. She loves me.

 

We are both young (23 yrs old) and have our B.S. degrees in different disciplines. As I already have a good job, and she remains unemployed, I've been paying for pretty much everything so far, which I have no problem with other than the fact that... drum roll... she seems to be "slacking" in my eyes. Rolling out of bed around 9:30, wasting lots of time piddling around on her computer... She seems to be stalling on doing important job search related activities. She explained that her lack of confidence apparently bars her from coming up with a resume on her own, or even calling people to inquire about employment. Thus, she seems to be stuck in the house. I realize that it is not necessarily my place to push her on these things, which is why I've been trying to take (more or less) a sidelined approach to her daily life. I have neither the time, energy, or desire to control her activities.

 

At the same time, pretty much every second of my time spent outside of work is with her, either doing leisure activities such as walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking together, watching movies together, playing tennis together, etc. I also take martial arts classes twice a week for 1 hour each session (read: 2 hours per week). This does not involve her, due to her lack of finances. Recently, I got excited about adding an extra hour to my martial arts training per week for Judo. When I told her about this, she flipped **** :confused:, and went on and on about how she needs me for breaking up the monotony of her day, and how me taking an extra hour per week to play some Judo would tie up the whole evening and it would basically mean an extra day "ruined".

 

Drama aside, I feel she has a point. Put in her shoes, I can understand that sitting around the house all day must make an extra hour every week seem unreasonable. At the same time, I can't help but feel that since I'm paying for everything, I should be able to do what I damn well please with my time and money, especially since she seems to have no problem with taking her sweet time with her job search (of which her unemployment is costing me money...).

 

My proposition to her was that she should come up with ideas of things she wants to do, and I will do my best to do them with her. I also explained that I don't want to be responsible for being her sole source of entertainment and fun. This of course made her angry, but dammit, it's true...

 

My question is this: Do I start Judo anyways, with the attitude that "I can do what I want with my time and money, so figure it out sweetie!"

 

or

 

Do I do as she pleases, continue to pay for everything, and make every second outside of work a "couples fun time" activity?

 

or

 

Do I start Judo, with the attitude that "This is my 'me' time, but I will put in extra effort now to make sure that the things we do as a couple aren't infringed upon"

 

Suggestions please. I apologize for the scattered and long story.

 

Well if you are paying for everything I definitely think you should push on those things. No need to be mean but I think you should sit down with her and insist she write a resume and help with what you can. I've never heard of anyone graduating college and not having a resume. Has she worked in her life, crappy high school jobs anything?? What are her career plans?

 

On another note I don't from the information in your post I doubt I would break up with someone based on what you've written here. I think some of these posts are unecessarily harsh. You say you moved 3 weeks ago? Does that mean she has been unemployed for 3 weeks, or did she not get a job right after college? Though the fact that she doesn't have a resume or is to lazy to write one is bad? If she has no plans for after college, and just moved with you because she didn't have anything else to do I would worry.

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DiamondClear

Is this a joke... people need money to live.. push her into a job of any kind until she thinks, I cant live like this and looks for a better one/job.

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Wow, this sounds like the start of my life with my exh.

 

When I was 23, I moved right out of university, straight from my parents house to our first apartment in his city, far away from my family and friends. To make things slightly worse, I did not speak the local language. I think I dragged my feet the first 3 or so months about finding a job (it was summer, I was use to having 4 months of summer vacation just sitting at home watching tv), until my ex and my mom kicked my ass and I got a job.

 

Looking back, I did lack the confidence and the motivation to get a job right away. I had major insecurity issues and huge anxiety over taking any productive actions. I was trying to get use to my living arrangements but at the same time I did nothing productive to make it any easier. I had zero hobbies. I had zero friends. I had zero social outlets. My exh was everything for me. It was extremely unhealthy and I believe it was the first steps to the demise of my marriage 10 years later. Those first 6 months laid down the foundation to our relationship. It was going to be a parent child relationship where he made all the decisions and I depended on him for everything. He would be exhausted and resentful of me for the entire relationship and I was going to be extremely insecure and have no self confidence to know any better.

 

We had the same issue of me being upset with him having too much extra curricular activities. In our case, he simply wasnt spending any _quality_ time with me. My needs were not getting met because I never felt like I was a priority in his life. He spent insane amounts of time on his computer. He worked every Saturday, and wanted to be at his parents every Sunday. We even had different sleeping schedules where I always went to bed by myself (I sleep early) and he would follow later at night. So we lost the intimacy in our relationship pretty early on.

 

On top of that, I depended too much on him for my entertainment. Although he did encourage me to get a hobby, I had zero hobbies at the time and was too tired to pursue anything after a long day at work. So my desire for quality time was even more demanding because I wanted to spend every free second with him. Looking back, I can see that it was extremely unhealthy for me and caused my insecurities and lack of confidence to grow even more.

 

If I could have known then what I know now, we would either still be married OR we would have ended it a long time ago. My biggest regrets are being unaware of causing so much pain to him and wasting those 10 precious youthful years.

 

My word of advice is to tell her to be a partner in life not a dependent. She needs to realize that her dependency on you for everything is not healthy for HER and is exhausting on you which will lead to resentment. You both need to have your own personal improvement time, and you both need your couple quality time. Both need to be a priority in your lives. She needs to have a hobby or sport or something once a week, preferably the same time you have yours. This way one person is not sitting at home bored and resentful waiting for the other to return home. She also needs to grow her social outlet and build some friends. I think meeting people through hobbies is a much better way than through work. It might even help if you both make new friends together. This way you both are equally balanced in the new experience instead of her trying to become close friends with just yours.

 

My word of advice to you is to never ever allow yourself to view her as a child. Do not elevate yourself higher than her. I know her actions can be frustrating and you have every right to talk to her about these and to resolve them. But allowing yourself to be her parent is just as detrimental to the relationship as her acting like a child. You both have to always look at each other as equals.

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