Lying...lying

[condor]

Hello everyone,

 

A quick background to my story. My wife is from the USA and i'm from Europe. We got married about a year ago and in 2 weeks time it is our anniversary. The relationship came about from a long-distance relationship where she moved over here. Fast forward a bit...

 

She had quit her job last year as her employer was being unprofessional. And decided to change careers into beauty industry. The training went ok, we got married. After the marriage she couldnt find a job in the field, i paid for more training and we got swindled by the teacher. She had a credit card and she lied to me about having a second one as the first got maxed out. I managed to confront her and she just blew it to the side.

 

In the beginning of the year i noticed their being more lighters around the house than usual (light candles etc). And the balcony door always a jar. One day i was putting out the rubbish and i smelt cigarrete smoke. Side Note: I am very anti-smoking and was one of my things for a future wife. I confronted her and she told me that she smoked. I told her to stop.Fast forward a bit...she find work, good money but requires once a month travel. After her second travel assignment she was sorting out her clothes from her bag and i noticed a pack of sealed cigarrettes. I said whats this etc...She has been depressed because she doesnt like living here etc etc. I told her that she needs to quit, especially since we would like to have a baby since she is from the medical field. I also offered to pay for sessions to beat smoking. fast forward a bit to yesterday.I glanced in her purse bag and noticed a cellophane cig wrapper from the USA. we had gone to visit the states about a month ago, but i had come back earlier. I also "had a look" as my suspicions were growing in her other bag and found half a pack of cigarettes with two lighters. She had gone out with her work mates and we had a bit of argument since i waiting around for her to call me so i could go pick her up. Anyway we came home and she bathed. she smelt fresh but when she burped in the night, there was an invisible smoke plume:) I had asked her the next did you smoke? And she said no.

 

Following day (Today) i told her that i was proud of her that she managed to cut smoking etc. I wanted to see any reaction. She was happy or so it seemed.

 

 

Since the proof i have could lean either way (smoking or quit), i am bit stuck in resolving the matter, as she can "Read" me in the sense that something is wrong. And its difficult to deflect the "reading".

 

Comments and some advice would be gratefull.

 

c

[quankanne]

my husband has been smoking since he was a teen, about 40 years now, and as much as I don't care for it AND because I'm allergic to the smoke, I'm not planning to ask him to give it up. Because I know how hard it is to move past an addiction, and my thought is that while it's not very hygenic, he doesn't turn into an instant pendejo when he lights up (the way he does with alcohol), and he isn't about to harm anyone when he's behind the wheel or operating machinery. When he is ready to stop, I will support his decision fully, but until then, I believe nagging him about it is only going to make him dig his heels in and not even bother to quit when it comes time. And I've got better things to ride his case about than his lighting up.

 

I guess you really need to ask yourself, is your spouse's light smoking habit a deal-breaker, worth jettisoning your marriage over? Or can you learn to lighten up some if she's willing to keep her nasty little habit out of your home/environment? My guess is that in the long run, the less you hassle her about it, the more she's going to do the "right" thing and stop on her own, especially if the habit isn't a full-blown one.

 

just my two cents.

[HsMomma]

 

I guess you really need to ask yourself, is your spouse's light smoking habit a deal-breaker, worth jettisoning your marriage over? Or can you learn to lighten up some if she's willing to keep her nasty little habit out of your home/environment? My guess is that in the long run, the less you hassle her about it, the more she's going to do the "right" thing and stop on her own, especially if the habit isn't a full-blown one.

 

just my two cents.

 

I agree, Quankanne...bugging her/riding her a$$ about it isn't going to make her quit. I guess, OP, I'm asking the same thing - is this a true deal-breaker? I smoked for years & years, UNTIL I got pregnant. When it wasn't just my body being affected anymore, I quit. My ex didn't like my smoking, but he didn't rag on me about it either. The main thing to remember is, it IS an addiction and until and unless she's ready to quit, all the harping on her in the world won't make it happen - just makes for a tense marriage.

[Thornton]

Smoking would be a deal breaker for me, and lying about it is even worse. I tend to think that smoking, just like any addiction, betrays a certain weakness of character, and I couldn't stand the smell either.

 

Are you prepared to stay with your wife if she doesn't quit smoking? Does she know your feelings on the subject?

 

If she is going to quit smoking, she has to want to do it for herself. Cutting down on cigarettes is no good, just the same as an alcoholic cutting down on the number of drinks is no good; the only way to quit is to stop altogether.

[condor]

Thanks for your replies. I understand what you are all saying. The fact that we are married took a lot of hard work, so i dont want to throw it away. Even though i might say something to the latter. I am not a very articulate person so my point of view is difficult to express.

 

Anyway we had a fallout so to speak yesterday night and i'll share it you the things that i remember. we decided to go out.she could tell there was something wrong and was pushing. i wasnt responding to her "i love yous". And since i couldnt keep it in anymore, i told her what i am feeling. I told her i'm bugged out by the whole smoking thing. she told me i shouldnt make such a big fuss. she asked me then if she lit a cig at some point in time infront of me would i tell her its over. And me not thinking said 'yes'. From then it went downhill. She told me how there's more important things to love than that. Need to be gratefull for her moving to me etc etc. Basically we were splitting...and she wanted to leave.

 

Told her to listen so i can explain myself as best as i can. i told her i hate smoking, its one of my ideals. So for her to start smoking its like an unexpected smack on the face. i explained to her that i HATE smoking and she should try and quit. I told her you must respect that i dont like it and dont do it infront of me. she told me it will be ok if i tried. I am like what!!! I explained to her again. Anyways i saw her "understanding" and she softened up. we made up so to speak.

 

A few hours later and some sleep, writing this ...i had a look in her bag, and she had a full pack now unsealed. So the 4 cigs she had yesterday got consumed.

 

I love her and want our marriage but the smoking thing to me is like difficult to come to terms with. There were i think i have, i'll smell her and realise she has smoked or put excessive perfume after work when she comes home.

 

thanks for listening.views/comments are appreciated.

c

[mark982]

condor, this is just my opion. i think you're being alittle over the line.you don't like smoke,fine have her do it outside,not in the house and you would appreciate it if not in front of you.but as far as losing a marriage over it,sounds crazy to me.

[NoIDidn't]

Looking through her things behind some cigarettes?!!!

 

I don't like smoking either, mainly because it stinks and I have allergy-triggered asthma, but as long as its not done around me, I don't think I'd bug a mate about it.

 

I understand your feelings, but you aren't thinking about hers. Its REALLY hard to stop smoking. Its not something you just do because someone else demands it. She has to want to stop and have support - not bugging.

 

What is your relationship built on that you would throw it all away over cigarettes?

[giotto]

sounds like a deal-breaker to me... if you really love her, you should allow her to smoke and try and understand why she smokes... I just given up and my wife was always patient about it. Nicotine addiction is very hard to beat and you wife will stop when she is ready... I'm afraid you will have to wait. If you can't wait, get out...

[condor]

mark982 > Well i have ideals and to me they are important.

giotto > After much thinking, the best option for us. Is to try and keep her happy (or more) and somewhere along the line hopefully she will quit.

 

The fact that she lies about it, is bothersome. Yesterday i finally got her to talk about it after some prodding/pushing. I'd like to know the reasons. 'Cause the smoking just started six months ago..

 

 

thanks to all for their ongoing views and comments

 

c

[Ariadne]

I love her and want our marriage but the smoking thing to me is like difficult to come to terms with.

 

If you loved her you'd love her not matter what, I agree with her.

 

If you were willing to leave her for a cigarette then you are better off alone.

 

She shouldn't have to be stressing and bathing in perfume for you to calm down.

 

It's her choice.

[z1850]

What about nicotine patches?

[condor]

Some further upates...We seem to have made up. Had a great weekend together. Went on monday to pick her up from work and when she was looking for something in her bag, i saw a pack of cigs. I asked her what are those about? She kept quite..silence.... She said its the groups. Groups? Her work friends she goes out with. Oh I say. And why are you holding them? Because i always happen to be there and we are maybe going out later. Thats very odd i say, since they give a non-smoker them....She tells me then, they probably wont go out. So i say to her, then you dont need them. So you dont mind if i take them i tell her? She says no its ok, she will give them to someone.

 

The exchange left me a bit weirded out. Either she is telling the truth or she is in denial..

 

c

[giotto]

Either she is telling the truth or she is in denial..

 

she is probably still lying... but you are putting too much pressure on her. Giving up is not easy at all and it's an ongoing struggle. If you keep putting too much pressure on her, she will lie to you about it. She's got to be ready, psychologically. You can't just stop like that. Give her time. I've given up using Chantix (Champix in Europe). Have a look on the net. But she has to be wanting to give up... there is no point in taking tablets or using patches if she is not mentally ready. Don't destroy your marriage, Be patient!

[condor]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I would like her to tell me that she is doing it rather than lie all the time. Then we can move forward to whether she would like to quit or would like to continue as is.

 

c

[SoulSearch_CO]

Some further upates...We seem to have made up. Had a great weekend together. Went on monday to pick her up from work and when she was looking for something in her bag, i saw a pack of cigs. I asked her what are those about? She kept quite..silence.... She said its the groups. Groups? Her work friends she goes out with. Oh I say. And why are you holding them? Because i always happen to be there and we are maybe going out later. Thats very odd i say, since they give a non-smoker them....She tells me then, they probably wont go out. So i say to her, then you dont need them. So you dont mind if i take them i tell her? She says no its ok, she will give them to someone.

 

The exchange left me a bit weirded out. Either she is telling the truth or she is in denial..

 

c

LOL...she's not in denial. And she's not telling the truth. She's having to lie and sneak around like a little kid. Can you continue to live like this? I'd be more worried about the lies than the actual act - I despise lying. But given how you react when she tells the truth, I can't say I entirely blame her. You'd dump the whole marriage over cigarettes. That is kind of sad.

 

Yes, you have ideals, but did you not get married "for better or worse?" This happens to be her "worse." She's obviously struggling. She feels bad about it. Rather than continuing to harass her about it, how about just talking to her calmly about it? Asking her if this is something she plans to do forever, does she see herself ever quitting, etc. Then you can get a gauge for where she's at.

 

My BF chews and I really don't like it. We have some basic ground rules and I really don't harass him about chewing. He wants to quit - he hates that he picked the habit back up after 5 years of being clean. He doesn't kiss me when he's had that nasty stuff in his mouth, he's polite about getting rid of it when he's done with it, and I asked him to stop swallowing the juice (greater risk for digestional cancers). I mentioned a couple of things about the bad habit that scare me, and I told him I'd respect his choice and leave him to it. He's the one that mentions on a pretty much weekly basis that he needs to quit. A person will quit a bad habit when they choose to. If it's not a habit you can live with and she's not motivated to quit, then it's time to go. She deserves better than to be treated like a little child.

[Littlemadam]

I definately echo what a lot of people here have said. The love on your side is weak if you cant live with her smoking. She is not doing it in your face, and is trying to be discreet.

 

The lying - yeah that shouldnt happen. You have however pushed her into this. Why can't you compromise with her? I am sure she will not feel the need to hide this from you if you didnt threaten to end your marriage, and how can that help anyway? Surely it would make her more depressed you treating her like that?!! If she felt she didnt have to hide things from you she'd feel under less pressure and probably feel happier in herself, wouldn't you want that for your wife?

 

You cannot force someone to quit, all you can do is be a husband and when she is ready, whether it be when she gets pregnant or just because she wants a life style change.

[HsMomma]

OP, while I admire the fact that you have "ideals" as you call them, you've pretty much backed her into a corner. I don't think she'd lie to you if you didn't keep harping on her, looking in her purse (which I think is wrong anyway), etc. I know you hate smoking, but if this is the worst thing you have to deal with in your marriage, you're doing ok. I agree with the other posters on here - can't you find a way to compromise? My husband & I are dealing with a "for better or worse" situation right now too, and though he's not lying to me about anything, he is extraordinarily mean right now (Mr. Always Mellow, nothing gets to me does NOT deal well with pain or with pain medications). I HATE being yelled at under any circumstances, but that's what's been going on for the last several days because of my husband's injury. He can't help it & I know that, so even though I detest being yelled/cursed at, I'm swallowing the words that would only aggravate the situation. Right now, your wife is indulging in a habit that is incredibly hard to break & your issuing of ultimatums is only aggravating the situation. You need to take a deep breath, let her know you love her and will support her & then do it. Be a support system for her & see if dealing with the situation with love & understanding doesn't help.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

 

Who the heck died and made you king??

 

Smoking is an addiction.

Giving up is a choice.

It's HER choice.

To be made when she wants to make it, IF she wants to make it.

 

If you can't live with that, then you - not she - has the problem.

I don't smoke.

My partner does.

I hate it.

He knows it.

He'll quit when he's good and ready.

Maybe that will be soon, maybe not.

I don't care.

It's his body, he can do what he wants with it.

Ease off, leave her alone and let her be.....

If I were she, you'd be talking to an empty space where I used to be.....

[condor]

Hello,

 

I havent posted in a while on the subject since i am trying to delay dealing with it until i am ready to deal with it in a calm intelligent manner..

 

In the time that has passed i have gathered that she is unhappy with me making her feel bad (about herself), which i have accepted and have rectified it as much so that when i open my mouth i dont say anything that might hurt her.

 

I have also learnt from her mother, that she indeed was a smoker before i met her, and since we were in a LDR it was easier to hide. I had asked her once during the LDR if she smoked as i noticed her teeth were yellow but she said no.

 

I would like to keep our marriage but every day that passes it gets harder and harder not to think about it. I have noticed she has mood swings. At her job she is surrounded by smokers so quitting would be rather difficult.

[condor]

Hello,

 

I havent posted in a while on the subject since i am trying to delay dealing with it until i am ready to deal with it in a calm intelligent manner..

 

In the time that has passed i have gathered that she is unhappy with me making her feel bad (about herself), which i have accepted and have rectified it as much so that when i open my mouth i dont say anything that might hurt her.

 

I have also learnt from her mother, that she indeed was a smoker before i met her, and since we were in a LDR it was easier to hide. I had asked her once during the LDR if she smoked as i noticed her teeth were yellow but she said no.I dont like smoking and if i knew before that she smoked i wouldnt have continued with the relationshop

 

I would like to keep our marriage but every day that passes it gets harder and harder not to think about it. I have noticed she has mood swings. At her job she is surrounded by smokers so quitting would be rather difficult and people are not wellmannerred there.

 

I would like her to quit and am asking how do i approach her, to even get her to admit she smokes to me. I am at a loss to deal with this and always thought she had a good strong character.

 

thanks

c

[Littlemadam]

Being honest - a smoker will only give up WHEN they are ready. It is wrong but she will continue to hide it from you until one day she may want to quit and then she may tell you.

[jmargel]

Condor,

 

Continue what you are doing and you are going to lose her. You are NOT her parent! She is NOT a child. She is lying to you because she is SCARED of you and the way you treat her. Good chance she could be lying about other small things because she is afraid of your reaction.

 

She shouldn't lie but the communication between you two is bad enough that she feels she can't be honest with you on everything. In my opinion you should take the following steps:

 

1. Stop asking her if she's smoking, stop hounding her about it.

 

2. Stop snooping into her private things. Just because you are married it does not mean you own her. She is still her own person and her privacy should be respected. Would you want her to go through your things looking for stuff to yell at you about?

 

3. ENCOURAGE her to stop smoking, tell her things such as 'I hope you quit for your own health, if you need help I will be there. However I won't nag you about your smoking anymore'. Then every once in a while (about once a month) ask her how things are going with that.

 

4. Start LISTENING to her, and make sure she is listening to you. You do this by going to a marriage counseling and finding out ways to communicate with each other.

 

This marriage only being not a year old is in trouble with these two issues you pointed out as red flags. I'm sure if she could post on here she would have plenty to say as well.