Husband having trouble getting over the OW

[searcher]

After my husband left me he started a relationship with another woman. This went on for about 3 months and I was not aware of how serious it was.

 

A week ago he asked if we could try and rebuild our marriage and if he could come home. He was still with the OW but said he had decided that he wanted to come home and try to work things out and he would end it with the OW immediately.

 

He did end it with her as he promised. She did not take it well at all, she was not expecting it.

 

Now he has been home a couple of days and she is sending him texts all the time. He has let me read the texts he has gotten when he's at home but deleted the ones he got when he was out yesterday but did tell me he got them. He also told me that he texted her and told her that I was reading the texts she was sending.

 

The problem is that my H does not seem ready to end all contact. He says she is a good person and he just wants it to end as nicely as possible. From the texts I've read I know he was telling her he loved her so I guess he did/does.

 

I can see he is really hurting and having trouble getting over her. He tells me he is committed to our marraige and will not change his mind about the decision he has made. He says he needs time to work through his feelings.

 

I'd really appreciated any advise form others who have been in this kind of situation? I'm not sure how to handle the pain the texts are causing me, or the trust issues without damaging what we have started.

 

I really want and always have wanted things to work out between us. I want to handle this in a way that wont push him away but will enable me to keep my dignity and self respect.

 

Any advice?

[whichwayisup]

Get him out of the house. He may be wanting to come back and try to fix things at home, but he is going through withdrawal and having trouble going NC with the OW.. He hasn't blocked her, changed his number, changed his cell - She is still contacting him and he is still reading her texts..That isn't NC! Far from it..

 

He has one foot in the door, and one foot out the door. He's messed up and needs counselling to help him cope with this. Is he willing to do that?

 

Don't let him use you as a backup.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If he is showing you the texts, that is a good sign, and a step in the right direction. If she knew you saw those texts, she would be extremely embarrassed, and I'll bet anything they would stop.

 

Why not reply to one of them yourself, tell the B off and see what happens. Again, if he is showing you them, it means he feels bad that he has no control over what she is sending, and he wants her to stop it.

[searcher]

The problem is that after H told her i was seeing the texts she sent 2 more saying things like "I have empty bed syndrome" " I miss our morning cuddles and chats" " You told me you loved me and wanted to be with me".

 

I think these were sent purposley to upset/annoy me - and they did. I can rationalise her intention but it's still hard to deal with. And H did say if I was going to get angry ove them he would stop showing them to me.

 

H also seems to get upset by them and withdraws and gets moody. I know he still has feelings for her.

 

I have her number an really want to call or send her a message telling her to back off, I'm just afraid this will back fire on me and upseat my H.

 

What to do?

[pkn06002]

Get him to change his phone.

 

Tell him to move back out and that you two are dating and starting over.

 

Tell him to get IC if he wants to patch things up.

 

Do not call the OW. My xMW's husband called me it just became entertainment. You will piss her off and she will try even harder to win you husband back.

 

The wayward has to WANT the NC if it is going to work. So he has to play the bad guy and tell some he said he loved he no longer does. You know yourself how that feels. But he has to be the one to do it, not you.

 

If you want this you are in a marathon not a sprint. Do not jump at "signs" that everything is OK. Take your time and remember you can leave at anytime you just have to be willing to follow through with the divorce.

 

Good Luck

[searcher]

I don't think asking him to move back out is the right thing to do. It could just push him back towards the OW. Things still feel very fragile.

 

He can change his number because it's a work one.

 

We are doing MC but he wont do IC.

 

I know I have to take things slowly, my problem is that i'm impatient.

 

My biggest worry is like whichwayisup said - by not cutting her of and going NC he still has one foot out the door.

[anne1707]

It seems like your H does want you and your marriage but is still very much in the fog over the OW. If your marriage is to work then sorry but he is going to have make more of an effort than he is currently making. He needs to do full NC straight away. That means no responding to her texts, not seeing her, not talking to her. Whilst he responds to her texts, the relationship between them is still continuing. It is still feeding his need for the OW. This has to end now.

 

If he cannot do NC for you and your marriage then he not fully committed to making things work. This is not about you bending over backwards to make things work and not wanting to upset him. It should be the complete reverse.

[Mr. Lucky]

He can change his number because it's a work one.

Have him tell his work that he's getting harrassing calls. It wouldn't be that hard to get them to change the number.

From the texts I've read I know he was telling her he loved her so I guess he did/does.

I think the answer may be more complex that that. When you move from a long-term relationship like a marriage to a transitional one like you describe, you tend to bring the structure. "I love you" tends to be part of that structure, regardless of whether or not it's sincere or appropriate. He also may have felt that "love" went hand-in-hand with a sexual relationship. I'm sure it was an emotionally chaotic time for him so put anything you hear in that context.

 

I'd counsel patience, NC and MC. I hope it goes well for the two of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[searcher]

Thank you all for your advise.

 

Mr Lucky, your comment on bringing the structure of one relationship to another and putting things into context is valuable advise. It has given me a different perspective.

 

Even though my H has been doing things to try and reassure me that he's committed to working things out my paranoia seems to be getting worse by the day. I can't figure out why I feel this way.

 

Knowing that he has recently experienced those new relationship feelings I feel like coming back to me could be a bit of a come down for him. I'm not as new or interesting as the exOW.

 

Do I talk to H about these things or would that be counter productive?

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I talk to H about these things or would that be counter productive?

I'd think that anything that troubles you this much is a legitimate topic for discussion. It's certainly not unreasonable for one spouse to be threatened by an outside relationship and for the other spouse to feel guilty about it. If you're going to recover your M, you'll have to deal with tough issues like this.

 

I'm curious that you labeled her the "OW". Was your H seeing her before you separated and was that A the reason for the split?

 

Mr. Lucky

[searcher]

We were separated before he started seeing the OW (as far as I know).

 

When we separated we didn't discuss the possibility of seeing other people. I was under the understanding that we were taking some time apart so that H could spend some time "finding himself" and I could work through some issues of my own.

 

So therefore when he told me he was seeing someone else I felt like he had cheated on me, which is why I call her the OW.

 

This is another issue I am having trouble dealing with. I feel like he has cheated on me and he thinks that he hasn't. I want to see some remorse but because he thinks that technically he wasn't cheating he did nothing wrong.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seems like a fine line to me. Personally, I wouldn't separate unless I was intending to divorce simply for these reasons. There's a fine line between committed and available and it can change from day to day. I'd judge him by what he does now rather than focusing on what happened before. Hang in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[manugeorge]

I think you should try IC for yourself. It can give you a clearer perspective and a better standing. You want him back but you yourself mentioned that you don't want him to take advantage of your feelings in the process.

 

In cases like this, it's very easy to lose yourself because you are too focused on getting the relationship back. You forget to stand up for yourself, you start to walk on eggshells (as you are clearly doing now) just so you don't upset whatever it is you think you are rebuilding. On the other hand, your spouse is pining over some other woman, not setting boundaries with her, and enjoying the attention of two women fawning over him. He has no incentive to completely sever ties with this woman because you have given him none. He knows you will always take him back, you will always be there and you will keep tolerating his ambivalence.

 

I know he doesn't want to hurt this woman and while that may be noble of him, he has no choice but to. There are no easy, gentle breakups in situations like this. People get hurt all around but the good thing is they get over it in time.

[NoIDidn't]

I think you are going to have to learn patience. He needs time to get over this woman. Its not going to happen overnight.

 

But, I also think you should talk to him about what she did after she knew that you were reading the text messages. She purposely set out to upset you. He should not tolerate that.

 

And he needs to tell her that he is staying married and that he'll not take her calls or texts anymore. NC means no contact so he needs to actually do that.

 

I think he does want the marriage or he wouldn't have come back when he had her already there. He just doesn't know how to make things better. But he needs to cut her out because her presence isn't helping you or your marriage.

[datura_noir]

If only every tough situation in our lives could be ended nicely and with as little hurt as possible....

 

Fact is, there will always be bad feelings/energy in these situations. Remember, energy, whether good or destructive, never gets eliminated, only transferred. I would suggest that a total break from either A)You or B)her is the fastest, cleanest and least dramatic of the options here.

 

You have the upper hand here;he wants to come back to you. Set your boundaries but also be prepared to accept the outcome by setting them.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Timetables please. He left you, which is not mutual. How long were you apart before he met this woman? Did they set up home together? Any children? How old are you two (three)? Did he just call one day and ask to come home and you happily agreed? Maybe he is the one who needs a warm bed and cuddle every night/morning.

 

Sounds like we're missing much of the story.

[searcher]

This thread should fill you in on in on a bit of my story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t186323/

 

He left mid January - a complete shock to me and not what I wanted. He meet OW in mid February (so he says) and realtionship between them started early April. They have not been living together. We have 2 children 14 & 8. I'm 37, he's 38 and she's 39.

 

A week after our first MC session (at whcih he said he was pretty sure that he would never come back to me) he called and asked if we could try and work it out. I said yes - probably to quickley and to easily. He is still working away from home and only coming home on weekends for about the next 5 weeks until he can transfer back.

 

The fact that he's away all week is what is killing me at the moment. We've agreed to try and work things out. He's asked to transfer back home and has ended it with the OW which is a good step. But it's still like were in limbo and not moving forward yet - it makes trusting him very difficult and I'm trying not to let that get in the way. But he's still spending 5 days a week in the same city as the OW. How do I really know what's going on.

 

He's going to collect some of his clothes from her tonight. He suggested that I will want to call him before he goes and a half hour after that to make sure he's left. It's good that he suggested it but how will I really know?

 

I feel like a cat chasing it's tail.

[taylor]

Sounds like we're missing much of the story.

 

Sounds like the OP is missing much of the story, too.

 

If I had to guess, I would say this husband met this OW soon after he started working out of town. By the time he separated from his wife in January, he was already quite INVOLVED with the OW.

 

A good family man doesn't come home one day and all of a sudden say he wants a separation..needs space...isn't "in love" with his wife any longer....UNLESS he has become involved with someone else.

 

He met this OW well before he asked for the separation. OP, he's lying to you.

 

This affair has been going on for some time. He has clothes at her house???!!!!

 

If I were you, OP, I would tell him to get his AZZ back home where it belongs and FORGET the underwear he left at her house. He can buy new clothes.

 

His desire to pick up clothes he left at her house is just another excuse to see her. It's the OW that's important to him...not the clothes.

 

What I see here is a man who found himself attracted to another woman and decided it would be easy to cheat on his wife because she was no where around. He became so involved with the OW that he didn't even want to come home on weekends to see his wife and children. He couldn't even come up for air long enough to spend time with his family (some family man he is!)

 

And now that the initial "excitement"..the "newness" of the OW has worn off...he's satisfied his lust for this OW...he's ready to crawl back home. The thing is the OW got emotionally attached to him, ie, the texting, etc. He probably whispered many sweet nothings in her ear and made her a bunch of promises he had no intentions of keeping to convince her he cared for her. And now he wants to dump her because, well...he's had his fill.

 

What's going to stop him from doing this again when the next attractive woman walks by?

 

If your marriage is to have any chance of surviving, your husband needs to stop lying to you, needs to break ALL contact with the OW, and needs to get himself into counseling to figure out why he decided it was OK to shack up with another woman while his wife and kids were begging him to come home on weekends.

 

And, OP, you need to stop being so gullible.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The timetable is completely out of whack and the stories way too implausible. Never easy to face the truth.

[searcher]

I agree. The timetable just doesn't add up.

 

I have been gullible and way to trusting in the past...but I'm not stupid. I know he hasn't told me the truth regarding when, where and how things have happened.

 

The thing is now that he want's to come back I'm not sure how hard I should push him to fess up and tell me the truth. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter - the past is the past, I can't change it...lets move on. But other times I get so pissed off that he hasn't been completely honest.

 

As for the clothes at her house...he metioned them a week ago but hasn't since. I suggested if he really wanted them that he should go and get them sooner rather that later and get it over and done with. He was going to do it yesterday but didn't...told me he couldn't deal with it. Don't know what that means?

 

I've been reading a bit about mid life crisises recently. So many of the behaviors he has been showing fit the MLC. I don't know if this makes any difference. Maybe I'm just looking for another reason to excuse his behavior.

[taylor]

I agree. The timetable just doesn't add up.

 

I have been gullible and way to trusting in the past...but I'm not stupid. I know he hasn't told me the truth regarding when, where and how things have happened.

 

The thing is now that he want's to come back I'm not sure how hard I should push him to fess up and tell me the truth. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter - the past is the past, I can't change it...lets move on. But other times I get so pissed off that he hasn't been completely honest.

 

As for the clothes at her house...he metioned them a week ago but hasn't since. I suggested if he really wanted them that he should go and get them sooner rather that later and get it over and done with. He was going to do it yesterday but didn't...told me he couldn't deal with it. Don't know what that means?

 

I've been reading a bit about mid life crisises recently. So many of the behaviors he has been showing fit the MLC. I don't know if this makes any difference. Maybe I'm just looking for another reason to excuse his behavior.

 

If he can't be honest with you about the betrayal, how do you expect him to be honest with you from here on out? How can you begin to build trust again knowing he hasn't been honest with you?

 

It isn't so much that you need to know every little detail, but he needs to prove to you that he can tell you the truth when you ask for it. Otherwise, your relationship is built on lies and deception...a weak foundation.

 

He hasn't gone after his clothes? Good. Tell him to stay away. NO MORE CONTACT. She can give his clothes to Goodwill.

 

He can't deal with it? Means he can't deal with THE END of the relationship with the OW. Going to her home and picking up his things and removing them from her home is very symbolic. It means he is not only removing his clothes from her house, he's removing himself from her life. And he still isn't emotionally ready to do this. And, he probably doesn't want to see her cry.

 

You can give the affair any excuse you want. MLC or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that he cheated on you.

[searcher]

Well I I told H that he needed to tell me the truth regarding his relationship with OW. He admitted to meeting her mid February and that things got serious between them fairly quickly after that. So he's still maintaining that he hadn't meet her before we separated. We had a good long talk about trust and how he needed to be honest with me.

 

I told him how I felt about the OW texting him and the fact that he would not tell her to stop was effecting our efforts to spend time together negatively.

 

Anyway a little later I decided to give him a test. Sounds really silly when I put it in writing but I did it.

 

The only person that texts H is OW. So he's upstairs and I'm standing outside the room he's in and I send him a text - to see how quickly he jumps at his phone. His phone doesn't bleep or buzz or whatever it does. A few minutes later I go into the room and ask him if he got my text. He says no he didn't hear it. I ask him if he has turned the sound off (thinking that he doesn't want me to know if OW is texting him). He says he hasn't turned the sound off. I tell him he's lying and he admits he lied. He says he just didn't want any texts upsetting our evening.

 

While his reason for turning the sound off is o.k. the fact that he lied about it is worrying. We had just had a discussion about honesty!!!

 

Anyway apart from this incident we had a good weekend. We communicated well and spent a lot if intimate time together. He was very affectionate towards me and even said 'I love you' a couple of times.

 

Then the next day I call him at work and he's very cool towards me. Whan I asked him wat was wrong he told me he was feeling very stressed because he wasn't experienceing 'those feelings' towards me. He said he was still committed to working on our marriage but was wondering how he could know whether he's doing the right thing or not.

 

Anyway I have a question for WS's and BS's who are trying to reconcile.

 

WS's - After having an affair did you have to fall in love with you S again. How long did it take and what did you have to work through to get there.

 

BS's - Same questions as for the WS's but from the BS's perspective.

 

I's going through a phase of doubt after hearing my H doesn't have "those" feelings for me and am trying to get a bit of perspective.

[Gamine]

In my case I have not fallen in love with my husband again and a year later I wonder if it is at all a possibility. I have grown to hate him for the past 5 years during which he has beaten it into my head that he desires other women... period. Years of internet porn, followed by a 5 month mid life crisis gone wild last year with 1 EA with an ex wife, a PA with an ex girlfriend, and an attempt to date/sleep with a waitress at a golf resort.

 

My husband left our marriage 5 years ago when he decided to feed his desires and he laid to waste a kind woman who truly loved him.

 

So, no, while I care what happens to him I am no longer in love with my husband and I fear than I may no longer even love him. Now, all I hear is that he is committed to our marriage has only loved me and won't give up on 'working on us'. I am angry, feel used, and almost can't even be friends with him any longer.

 

My husband ended his affairs last year, but his behavior has suggested a propensity and/or a deeply rooted compulsion/character flaw that has shown me that he may just be what he is. In which case I don't see the point.

 

I think you must have the patience of a saint. The texting, etc... from the OW would not be tolerated. Furthermore, I would have told him to leave his clothes were they are. Let her keep them as a souvenir.