SummerBreeze Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 For those of you who feel like they've married the wrong person but have chosen to stay. How do you deal with the regret? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 difficult one... fridge full of beer? Jokes apart, it's impossible to give you any advice without having some info about yoyr situation. Personally, I think it's very hard... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 ...... Sorry, I was off-topic and you're here wanting serious advice. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 that's why I deleted the link... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SummerBreeze Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 My situation is one where I got married for the wrong reasons - comfort, security, my family liked him a lot, I became close with his family, it seemed like the next logical step, I wanted to be a fairy tale princess in my poufy wedding dress, etc. I overlooked a lot of red flags about our relationship...but I was 22 and very naive. I honestly thought we'd get closer and more intimate after we got married and started living together. Anyway, 9 years later and things haven't turned out like I expected! Surprise, surprise. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy, good father, and we have a decent life together otherwise but our relationship as a couple is underwhelming, lonely and dull. There's no passion - never really was. He's a workaholic and spends a lot of energy and time on his business. I try to be supportive but it's very hard when he's always either at work or thinking about work. I swear, everything in our lives revolves around that business. I just wish he put HALF of that energy into our marriage. At this point, we're more like good friends - actually if I'm totally honest we probably wouldn't even be good friends in an alternate reality. Our interests are completely different and we don't have very much in common besides the day to day life we share together. I really think he feels the same way about me but he'd never admit it. That would require introspection and communication - something he avoids. But...like I mentioned, we have young children so I've decided to stick it out. Our marital issues aren't important at this point - my kids' happiness and stability is. So, I'm just curious as to how others who feel they married the wrong person make the best of it without resenting the situation and resorting to the 'grass is greener' mentality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SummerBreeze Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 No. I haven't discussed these specific concerns with him. I can barely admit I made such a huge mistake let alone tell him. At this point it's easier just to carry on regardless of the resentment. Stepping out on the marriage is not an option, at least not for me. I had a short EA a couple of years ago and hated the way it made me feel. I couldn't do it again. IC is an option. I've been considering it for a while actually. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 You're an affair waiting to happen if you continue this marriage as is. Is that what you want? Do you want that scarlet letter? If so...continue as is doing and saying NOTHING until it happens. And I promise you...it's hell on earth for ALL. If not...right here, right now STOP. Stop being quiet. Stop being passive. Stop settling for LESS. Sit your H down and talk to him. Tell how you feel about 1) his work and 2) the M (arriage). If that seems "too much" for you...then start talking to your family AND his. Talk to your parents, his...all the siblings. Ask them to get involved. Forget IC. Got to MC. Both of you. If he resists...you continue talking OPENLY and HONESTLY to your extended family. Get your unhappiness out there before it introduces a lover...and rips your world apart. Oh I know...you're too strong. You won't let that happen. They all say that in the beginning... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Way too young to let your life continue like this. Sounds however you have done nothing to change the situation and that is your fault. Tell him how you feel about his workaholic tendencies and how it is ruining your marriage. You don't need to tell him that you made a mistake from day one and have no interest in him, his interests and wouldn't be friends with him if you had to do it all again, unless you want a divorce. You say nothing about your sex life, if it is important or if you think he suspects or thinks there is a problem. Grow up and do something about it, before you ruin your life, your husband's (if he cares) and the children's. Link to post Share on other sites
thelostsoul89 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I really dont understand why women stay in relationships when they are unhappy. Why would you want to waste YOUR life with someone you dont even like? And really staying just because you have a child is no reason at all. Do you realize how many single mothers there are out there? You need to actually work at something for anything at all to get done. 1. Talk to him about it ( communication in a marrige?! NO WAY.....) 2. Think about your self for once! (Your child will be fine) 3. If you two cannot work it out get a divorce and move on with your life. Really not trying to be rude, but its really common sense... Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 For those of you who feel like they've married the wrong person but have chosen to stay. How do you deal with the regret? A good divorce lawyer. Life is too short to spend it married to the wrong person. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 For those of you who feel like they've married the wrong person but have chosen to stay. How do you deal with the regret? It's not easy. Here and there you find things to take pride in and invest yourself in. Work on figuring out who you are and where you want to go. In my case, I'm the nice guy, good father type. This turned out to be a huge turnoff to women, but strangely, someone (who I liked but didn't feel that much attraction to) latched on and wouldn't let go. I figured I'd naturally feel closer as we moved forward, but it didn't work like that. Try the IC -- chances are there are issues at play that you've had long before your marriage. Maybe you can move forward to MC from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Why the hell are you married??? Another reason for men not to walk down the aisle. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 In the not-too-distant past, you saw enough good in him and the relationship to promise in the eyes of the law and God (if you believe in that sort of thing) to love, cherish, and honor him forever. How did you get from there to here? You sound quite resentful of him already. I suggest professional help either marriage counselling or individual therapy (or both). Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 You probably have more in common than you give credit for.. perhaps you've just taken it for granted. Find a way to interject some laughter with things you have in common (which I know you must have somewhere) and see how that goes. This is going to be another one of my "appreciate what you have" kind of posts. You said he's a good guy and a good father to your children? That's more than some women could ever hope for lol. Keep an open mind about his interests. Make an effort, if you haven't already. It's hard to be enthusiastic about stuff you aren't interested in, but never knock it before you try it. I recently met someone, that, while things are on the rocks now... back when we started dating, she showed a genuine interest in the things I like.. and it really really warmed me to her and made me want to explore her hobbies/interests and so forth. Talk about a connection! Link to post Share on other sites
semnus313 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 In my case, I'm the nice guy, good father type. This turned out to be a huge turnoff to women, but strangely, someone (who I liked but didn't feel that much attraction to) latched on and wouldn't let go. I figured I'd naturally feel closer as we moved forward, but it didn't work like that. In exactly the same situation. what gets me through most days is working on improving myself and my character flaws,etc so i dont think about the regret. I have two boys and i was raised without a father in the home and it gave me alot of issues so i think of them. what helps the most is communication. I've told my wife how i feel and although it isn't the happiest situation the resentment is gone cuz i got it off my chest. obiviously the news hurt her but once there is honest communication difficulties are easier to overcome Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 In my experience if the passion wasn't there in the beginning, it damn sure ain't gonna show up later. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottdmw Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Many have suggested divorce; I would suggest you think long and hard about that (as it sounds like you are). In your particular case I suspect it wouldn't really make you happier. What I would suggest is talking to your husband about why you are unhappy. Tell him what you had hoped and dreamed of marriage being like. Ask him if he is willing to try to make that happen for the two of you. Many men in these situations _honestly believe_ they are doing everything they need to make their wives happy and do not even realize that you are not happy. They think they are providing a good living, being a good father, and that is _all_ you need. You need to communicate in no uncertain terms if that's not working. Don't demand he change, just make sure he understands how you feel and leave it up to him to figure out what he is going to do about it. If you don't do this you are not even giving him the opportunity to make you happy, and believe it or not he will honestly resent you for it if things ever do end up breaking apart. He will say to himself, "she never said anything, how was I supposed to know?" Remember, you come at this from a woman's perspective, very in tune with the relationship and the feelings. Men just do not share you perspective many times. We have a lot tougher time realizing things are wrong. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
530 Guy Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Try like hell to get the courage and the strength to be honest with your spouse. That's what I'm trying to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SummerBreeze Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Thank you for all the advice. I've read your comments over and over again. Part of me wants to talk to my H and tell him how I feel, but I don't really see the point. I suspect deep down he feels the same way I do (married the wrong person) but doesn't let himself 'go there' - he's not a 'feelings' guy at all. He'd rather carry on with day to day life and as long as everything seems hunky dory he's happy. His main focus is his business - he's a true workaholic. He works 6 days/week 10 hrs/day and travels across the country every other week for 3 days. When he's at home he's often in his office or texting, phoning, preparing for the next day, etc. It's all consuming. He tries to make time for our family but that always come second if there's something work-related that needs to be done. The business never goes away. I realize being self-employed comes with added responsibility but his job distracts him so much that he doesn't have the time or energy to put into anything else. That's not going to change. He has to work hard and doesn't always get to pick his schedule due to the nature of his business. It's all part of being self employed. I get it - and I truly appreciate all of the benefits. It's just very lonely for the wife who's at home taking care of everything else and waiting for him to have some free time. Our sex life is barely existent - maybe 1 or 2 times a month. If that. I told him I needed more romance beforehand (ie. pillow talk, give me a backrub, light a candle, something to get me in the mood!). He rarely does anything. I'm the one who's bought the lotions, toys, coupons, books, DVD's, lingerie, etc. He doesn't ask for it anymore. Bottom line - after years of talks/arguements, I've realized that our relationship is never going to evolve into what I need (emotionally). The combination of the shaky foundation we had in the beginning coupled with my H's highly demanding job makes for a dead end situation. I'm tired of banging my head against the wall. He doesn't have the energy or the inclination to work on our marriage and I can't do it alone. I don't know what good divorce would do me considering every other aspect of my life is great. Risking it all for the potential of meeting someone who fufills me doesn't seem very wise, especially with young kids involved (4 & 7). I'm going to explore IC and see if it can give me some perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 No way to live. You need to give your H a wake-up call to do something or it is over. Self employed (no employees, office space, payroll...) can be a huge cop out and is in this case. No one is ever as busy as they state unless they are building a company or just chasing more and more dollars. How about spending time with his children???? Sounds selfish or just not interested in a marriage or family. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I would have assume one of the biggest reasons you stay is because you're a SAHM and want to continue having that luxury. In order to keep that luxury, hubby has to work himself to death. You COULD consider getting a job and becoming independent so that maybe you CAN leave since your marriage is so empty. But I guess it's easier to keep doing what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SummerBreeze Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 I would have assume one of the biggest reasons you stay is because you're a SAHM and want to continue having that luxury. In order to keep that luxury, hubby has to work himself to death. You COULD consider getting a job and becoming independent so that maybe you CAN leave since your marriage is so empty. But I guess it's easier to keep doing what you're doing. Huh? You know what they say about assuming... I'm not a SAHM. I work full-time for a great company. My H is able to work the amount he does because I'm the one juggling everything at home on top of my own job. Besides, the issue isn't whether I CAN or CAN'T leave. It's about living with the decision to put my own life/needs/wants on hold out of concern for the well-being of my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Anahata Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 If you want to stay, even if only "for the sake of the children," you should let him know you're unhappy and work towards doing something about it. Perhaps you really can hide your emotions but I'm inclined to think your unhappiness and resentment is coloring more in your life than your own mood. Your children will be better off if you're truly happy rather than if you feel you've sacrificed your youth and happiness for their sakes. He may be trudging through the same "trapped" lifestyle, thinking he's "supposed" to be the silent, hard-working, husband/provider, much like that victorian/capitalist con of "bride" you bought into once when you were young and impressionable. He may be a workaholic b/c he's trying to avoid being at- or thinking about- what's going on at home or for depressive reasons all his own. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 but I don't really see the point. I suspect deep down he feels the same way I do (married the wrong person) I'm going to explore IC and see if it can give me some perspective. OP, I read your post...I see lot of similarities between you and my wife My wife used the exact same words "I married the wrong person" and she also felt deep down that "I felt the same way" about her. Dont assume. ASK him tonight. You are an affair waiting to happen. Actually you did admit you had an affair a while ago so I take that back. Does your husband know about your affair ? You felt bad about your previous affair because.....? What he needs is a kick in his back/wake up call . Maybe you confessing to him about your past affair might do it. I got one after my wife had her affair. No amount of MC will help UNLESS you both are highly motivated to work on your marriage. OR another option is if you are willing to become incharge of your relationship and change things going forward. IC may help but not quite if it does not focus on the marriage. No you did not marry the wrong person but you just dont know how to love the person you are married to. You are attempting to rewrite history. You are doing this after you had two lovely children. What is wrong with this picture ? I truely admire you coming and posting here. That in itself takes lot of awareness. Take it to the next step. Work on your marriage. Give it your best shot. For starters, make one postive change in your life that affects both you and your husband. Try it for a month. What do you have to loose ? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 if you're not happy now,imagine how unhappy you're going to be in 20 years when you realised you wasted those years,and could of found someone you truely loved Link to post Share on other sites
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