After 22 Years, Losing Interest in Husband

[HookedOnHim2]

We've been married 22 years with two kids ages 16 and 22. He had a long term EA with a fellow coworker of ours (I'm guessing for the last 5 years). D-Day was July 2008 with a D-Day #2 January 2009. Its a good bet that he is NC but it is being forced by her, not him. If she'd let him, he would still be talking to her.

 

Anyway, since D-Day #2, I let him know I was fed up with all this bullsh&t and I was going to take myself out of the equation by getting a divorce. Since then, he's put himself on "house arrest" (he says so I won't think he's out with another woman). There is a total lack of affection between us. Sex is just sex (enough to get off, then we go back to whatever we were doing). We seldom kiss and hug or hold hands. Its been years since he's told me he loved me.

 

Now, he takes care of the house inside and out, gives me his paycheck every payday, we are league bowlers and we are in a few leagues together and have mutual friends there and we go out of town for tournaments and that's all good. Its when we get home. Nothing.

 

I am so bored with this marriage. I'm pissed that he chose to have a special friend for years (because he was unhappy). Hell, I was unhappy too but I had to deal with hoping he would make love to me, hoping he would deeply kiss me, hoping he would hug me, tell me he loved me, give me presents on special days like birthdays, Xmas and Mother's Day. I was disappointed every time. There were plenty of men who 'fancied' me but I re-buffed them because I was married. Some men didnt care that I was so I would tell them "I have no reason to cheat on my husband".

 

This affair episode has made my feelings for him change. I don't love him like I used to. He is off my perfect pedestal. He seems tarnished to me now because he has had some kind of relationship with another woman while being with me. Of course he gives me the classic lines "we are just friends", "we never had sex", "all we did was talk", "you have to get over this", "you have to let it go". Yada Yada Yada.

 

Sometimes I feel that he is emotionally shutting me out so I will get fed up and divorce him. This way he can blame me and not what he had been doing.

 

For years, and years I have dealt with this marriage because I thought thats what you do. That you will not be overly happy everyday, there will come times when you feel like your marriage is in a rut. There will be slow times. But come on, I'm bored to death with this now.

 

MC is not an option for us. He would never participate fully so there's no point in wasting the money.

 

I want to point blank tell him I'm bored and that what we have now is not working for me.

 

Would that be a good place to start?

[whichwayisup]

Yup, tell him exactly what you've said in your thread.

 

MC is not an option for us. He would never participate fully so there's no point in wasting the money

 

You tell him that it's marriage counselling to fix and make the marriage better, or you're going to leave, and you two will be divorced. I'm sure if he knew just how serious you are about walking away, he MIGHT change his mind and think MC worthy - Both money wise and fixing wise.

[dunstable]

I'm guessing EA means emotional affair but don't know what NC stands for.

 

An emotional affair can be more hurtful than casual sex because it implies a relationship. But where is the borderline between an emotional affair and a friendship. Surely, he can have women friends?

 

It doesn't sound to me that this is a hopeless case. Suggest you give MC a shot if he will agree - if he won't agree then it probably is hopeless.

[HookedOnHim2]

NC means "no contact". There is no contact with the OW.

 

The reason his EA (emotional affair) is so hurtful to me is because it has gone on for a long time and with someone that I know.

 

He has always has woman friends. I have no problem with that because I have men friends.

 

He cant be friends with her ever again because I have proof that they called each for the past two years everyday - 5-6 times a day, 7 days a week. He called her everyday when we were on a week long vacation in Vegas last June. Every chance he got he called her or she was calling him. He did most of the calling. He would call her cell, if she didnt answer, he would call her home phone, no answer, he'd call the cell phone again. He repeated those calls until she finally answered or called him back. I told him it looked like he was stalking her.

 

That man really wants to talk to her. And alot. Sounds like love to you? Now imagine all of a sudden, he's told not to ever talk to her again. He's not a very happy man.

 

He would never go MC because he will not admit that he has feelings for her. That's been his story and he's sticking to it - She's just a friend, we never had sex.

 

Eventually TIME will take care of his feelings for her but I don't know if I'll still be around once he gets that out of his system.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, he takes care of the house inside and out, gives me his paycheck every payday, we are league bowlers and we are in a few leagues together and have mutual friends there and we go out of town for tournaments and that's all good. Its when we get home. Nothing.

Are you open to the fact that it takes two participants to allow a marriage to disintegrate to this point and that you've played a role in it also ???

 

Besides being angry at him, what are you doing to fix things?

 

Mr. Lucky

[HookedOnHim2]

Are you open to the fact that it takes two participants to allow a marriage to disintegrate to this point and that you've played a role in it also ???

 

Besides being angry at him, what are you doing to fix things?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know I've played a part in this. I was away from home all the time and when I was home, I was on the computer or doing something else. He says I never listen to him. When he talks, I'm always doing something so I'm half listening. He's right and I've stopped that. Now when we talk, he has my full attention.

 

Also, I have quit my second job and did not run for re-election (secretary) of my bowling league. He has my total attention now. I'm glad because I was so tired of those responsibilities.

 

Now when he wants to just get in the car and take a long drive, I can do it without thinking about what else I have to do that day. We've been going on little weekend trips. Its been fun. We used to do that before the kids came.

 

I've also taken an interest in the front yard. He has been working hard on our lawn and I've been out there with him helping. I used to say that was man's work and never went out to help.

 

So I'm working on myself for me and for him.