Husband's FWB from past won't go away

[skim37]

I am a newly wed and so very happy. My husband couldn't be more trustworthy or loving toward me. That's not the problem. Not sure there is a problem except in my mind. When we first began dating, several years ago, he talked a lot about his one and only experience with a FWB situation. He talked about how nice she was and how much younger she was...how she was a large woman of over 6ft and heavy in weight...it was weird for him, being a small athletic man. It was her idea to have casual sex to "scratch an itch" from time to time but he wouldn't go there. She was a neighbor and hung out with him in their circle of friends. One night, after heavy drinking, she convinced him to "give it a try". It took several months (nearly a year) of dating for me to find out, by a slip from him, who this woman was or that this supoosed FWB had lasted a good 7-8 months. In the meantime, I'd met her several times and it never crossed my mind they'd ever had anything going on although it was always strained and uncomfortable when I saw her. I'd hang out with him and his friends but she'd vanish or be unseen during these social activities, if I was around. There were several times I saw her away from him, in the parking lot or store nextdoor and would try to say hello or chit chat but she'd look at me like I was a complete stranger, not say a word and take off. I started to feel very insecure about this in the sense that this was his friend and she clearly didn't like me. I hated that...she seemed so sweet but wanted nothing to do with me. I was too daft to realize the connection until he slipped up. All the times I asked or just relayed the experience of seeing her and how she behaved around me, he never told me why this might be. Once he slipped up with the information, I was able to put it all together. She was in love with him. She was hurt. It was too hard for her to deal with me being his girlfriend, the woman he'd marry when all she was, was a "fling".

Right?

 

So, I was very upset he didn't tell me honestly who she was and how things went down with this FWB experiment when I was so concerned about his friend hating me. He went on to give me more information of how he had to end the experiment because she became so enamored with him and he knew he couldn't give her the love she wanted from him. I was proud of him for ending it and still trying to be her friend and proud of her for being so classy about the situation. She is only in her early 20's so her keeping quiet and not making any kind of scene really said a lot about her in my opinion and I liked her more for that. I also felt terrible for her. I still do. And that's the problem.

 

Though he and I got married and moved a mile away, we still go back to where he used to live on occasion, for social gatherings with friends. She is usually around but STILL will not talk to me. He is so happy with our new marriage, as am I, that he'll parade me around in front of everyone, including her, and go on how lucky he is to have found the love of his life, how awesome it is to be married and re-tell our courtship/wedding day story over and again...he'll go on how "hot" I am (in his eyes) and how wonderful, blah, blah...

 

This feels great, very validating and reassuring but I'm so uncomfortable that I can't talk to her. That our friends may be thinking how cruel it is to parade this in front of her...that maybe I am jealous or something...maybe that there is some sort of ongoing battle between us, when its nothing like that at all.

 

She simply won't talk to me, at all. Not a peep to me unless he forces it and even at that she only speaks to him and runs home to avoid us. I can always see in her eyes and shaky voice that she is very uncomfortable and maybe even sad to have this in her face. To make matters worse, she lost her job, was diagnosed with cancer and had to drop out of college. God, I feel for her...it breaks my heart and I want so badly to talk with her, comfort her, encourage her. But then, I kind of wish she'd just go away...move someplace else closer to family and other friends since it is so very uncomfortable for both of us.

 

Is she still in love with him? If so, why is he so oblivious to this fact? And should I approach her to try and help her feel more comfortable since we are clearly going to be in contact from time to time?

[White Flower]

Dear Skim,

 

I must say that you are a very compassionate woman! If only more Ws could be understanding of a hurting heart that was brought into your life unawares this planet would be so much more peaceful.

 

I think sending her a card or calling her would be a great start. Maybe even bringing her flowers. I think this would send a message that opens the door to a conversation that could be healing for her. It may help for her to know that you are not the jealous type and that you have no desire for her to feel hurt at these social gatherings.

 

My heart goes out to you both. And kudos to your H for trying so hard to show the world who is number one to him.

 

Keep us posted,

WF.

[skim37]

We are anywhere from 5-10 years older than most of our friends so I am often the "mother hen" to them all and thought many times about just contacting her on my own to make sure she knows how much I care about her feelings and we're ok...that I'd listen to her and be there for her. God knows, I do it for all our friends...but my sweet yet oblivious H keeps saying she's fine, leave her alone...I know better...or do I...ugh...its so hard to know if I contact her/send a card or flowers...would I only make things worse? I'm such a sap maybe I'm making too much of this?

 

But I will consider it more...since what you advised has been in my mind for 2 years now...maybe it would make a difference for her and I think that is what matters. I mean, I have everything...I have the awesome husband and my health and home...we have our future and well, we are so blessed. This goes beyond her being heartbroken over a man she loved who didn't love her back (and i've gone through that...who hasn't? it sucks!)...I'm in a position to give feedback, love, compassion and empathy...that's where I'm coming from not to mention the selfish fact I want to be able to hang out with my H and our friends without all this tension!

[White Flower]

We are anywhere from 5-10 years older than most of our friends so I am often the "mother hen" to them all and thought many times about just contacting her on my own to make sure she knows how much I care about her feelings and we're ok...that I'd listen to her and be there for her. God knows, I do it for all our friends...but my sweet yet oblivious H keeps saying she's fine, leave her alone...I know better...or do I...ugh...its so hard to know if I contact her/send a card or flowers...would I only make things worse? I'm such a sap maybe I'm making too much of this?

 

But I will consider it more...since what you advised has been in my mind for 2 years now...maybe it would make a difference for her and I think that is what matters. I mean, I have everything...I have the awesome husband and my health and home...we have our future and well, we are so blessed. This goes beyond her being heartbroken over a man she loved who didn't love her back (and i've gone through that...who hasn't? it sucks!)...I'm in a position to give feedback, love, compassion and empathy...that's where I'm coming from not to mention the selfish fact I want to be able to hang out with my H and our friends without all this tension!

It is not only 'selfish' but very giving as you are also giving her the opportunity to hang out with the group without tension. If you have thought about this for two years I'm pretty sure you've thought it well through.

 

I am curious as to why your H is apprehensive about it. Maybe he is afraid you'll learn more than you should? It might matter how strong you are and what you're able to handle regarding their past R. Be prepared to hear more than you have. Good luck:)

[skim37]

my gut tells me that at least part of his apprehension is his fear of her confiding in me about what went on with them but i believe...for better or worse...that's because down deep inside he knows he took advantage of her and is feeling guilty about that. he also knows that i have had a lot of hurt in my own life...A LOT. he doesn't want me to be upset or stressed in any way...he doesn't want to chance i might look down on him or judge him. other than that...i don't think there is any other reason. i'll be fine. thank you for the feedback and advice:)

[NoIDidn't]

my gut tells me that at least part of his apprehension is his fear of her confiding in me about what went on with them but i believe...for better or worse...that's because down deep inside he knows he took advantage of her and is feeling guilty about that. he also knows that i have had a lot of hurt in my own life...A LOT. he doesn't want me to be upset or stressed in any way...he doesn't want to chance i might look down on him or judge him. other than that...i don't think there is any other reason. i'll be fine. thank you for the feedback and advice:)

 

And for this reason, I think reaching out to her is a bad idea as she is likely to feel that you are trying to take advantage of her or make her feel like a fool/loser too.

 

When I was a newly wed, my H had a former GF that he was very close to and we didn't meet until a year ago even though he and I have been married for more than a decade. It had to be that way. When I tried to befriend her so that his friendship could continue, she treated me like she always wanted to treat him but was afraid to do.

 

Be careful. You have no idea of what minefield you are walking into.

[White Flower]

True, I would be cautious because you just can't know until you try.

 

Skim, your H is one lucky guy. Remember to make it safe for him to confide all things to you. As long as you make it safe (by not judging) he'll be open to tell you more and more. It is also so nice to hear that a H is so caring about not wanting to hurt his young W's feelings. Enjoy it!

[Stung]

hmm, i don't know. the title of this thread certainly suggests that you view this woman as an ongoing nuisance, rather than as a wronged woman whose feelings you care about unbiasedly.

 

if that is, in fact, the case that you merely want to eliminate awkwardness and show friendly intentions--sure, drop by, bring her some flowers. it's a nice enough thing to do for a member of your husband's circle who is stricken with a terrible illness. being nice to people is usually a good way to go. but be careful with how you approach it. if i were her i would NOT want your pity, and frankly, that's kind of what it sounds like you're really offering her. she's a sick woman, no need to rub salt in her wounds.

[White Flower]

hmm, i don't know. the title of this thread certainly suggests that you view this woman as an ongoing nuisance, rather than as a wronged woman whose feelings you care about unbiasedly.

 

if that is, in fact, the case that you merely want to eliminate awkwardness and show friendly intentions--sure, drop by, bring her some flowers. it's a nice enough thing to do for a member of your husband's circle who is stricken with a terrible illness. being nice to people is usually a good way to go. but be careful with how you approach it. if i were her i would NOT want your pity, and frankly, that's kind of what it sounds like you're really offering her. she's a sick woman, no need to rub salt in her wounds.

Stung makes a good point. Keep this in mind when you approach her.

[MizzBlue72]

I agree with Stung.

Sometimes FWBs DO fall in love - even when they never intended to do so.

Tread lightly with her - if so at all. You may not want to address it and leave it as is.

 

As WF mentioned - the apprehension of your H MAY mean there are things that he did not tell you, and talking to the ex FWB may stir things up that you really don't need to deal with.

 

But - I admire that you would feel that way. Yes - too bad more W's don't act this way.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with Stung.

Sometimes FWBs DO fall in love - even when they never intended to do so.

Tread lightly with her - if so at all. You may not want to address it and leave it as is.

 

As WF mentioned - the apprehension of your H MAY mean there are things that he did not tell you, and talking to the ex FWB may stir things up that you really don't need to deal with.

 

But - I admire that you would feel that way. Yes - too bad more W's don't act this way.

 

I agree with Stung too, and with your assessment that his former FWB fell in love. The problem with the FWB arrangement is that it is lopsided and the one that falls does start to be taken advantage of.

 

But..you had to go there about the "wives don't act this way". LOL. Actually its been my experience that most do until they get burned by a situation just like this one.

 

I think she should tread lightly if at all, concerning this woman. In her position, her concern might be viewed as pity and noone ever wants to feel pitied.