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Reconciling and Finances...Should I be offended?


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Inspector71

My husband and I are reconciling after almost a year of separation. We hadn't really set up "married life" the first go around- we'd only been married a couple years, and had eloped (always planning a bigger wedding). Now that we are seriously discussing our future, finances come up.

 

I'm 25; my husband is 59. (If you want to comment on that, keep it to yourself- it's not helpful or relevant.) The agreement we have come to about finances doesn't really sit well with me, but he would not have it my way (completely combine finances)- he'd only go this far. Here's the set-up: once I graduate college and get a career, we will open a joint checking account to pay household expenses out of, and keep our individual checking accounts for personal expenses (around $2,000 as a balance in them). We would also open a very small savings account jointly for vacations, etc. But his retirement money market savings account, he does not want to put my name on. I understand all the money he has saved prior to our marriage (+$400,000) keeping separate, but I have problems with him wanting to continue putting money into that account after we are married and not letting me have my name on it. He says that he is too old to make a financial mistake, and doesn't want me to have a claim to his retirement fund (I also have to sign a post-nup in this agreement, giving up my rights to his retirement savings.) He says that what he will do for my career should be pay-off enough if this doesn't work out. Since I'm with him for love, and not the money, I have agreed to all this...but I feel kind of crappy about it. Should I? Is he being reasonable, and am I being too old-fashioned?

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It sounds like a solid plan.

 

Let's face it, statistically more than 50% of "normal" marriages fail... what percentage of marriages do you think fail when there's a 34 year age difference?

 

He's being smart and you're being irrational. It doesn't matter how much you're both in love and want this to last forever.... it would be foolish to let you have any access or claim to that money.

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I'm sorry but I am confused.

 

He has a seperate savings. He wants to open a joint account with you for vacations and such right? Wouldn't you have access to the joint account? I understand him keeping your name off of his personal savings....but if you are putting money into a joint account you should have access to those funds?

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I'm sorry but I am confused.

 

He has a seperate savings. He wants to open a joint account with you for vacations and such right? Wouldn't you have access to the joint account? I understand him keeping your name off of his personal savings....but if you are putting money into a joint account you should have access to those funds?

 

He wants it like this:

 

Bills - Joint account

Holiday Savings - Joint account

His retirement savings - Only him

 

He is going to keep putting money into his retirement savings. She's upset because she thinks that any new money he puts into that account after they reconcile should be accessible to her.

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What does he do for a living, what does he earn, what is his projected retirement date?

 

Do you plan on children together? Do he have pre-existing children and grandchildren?

 

How far away are you from graduation, what field will you be entering, who is footing your college tuition bills ?

 

What are your joint monthly household expenses ? Are you working and contributing towards joint expenses now?

 

If he is concerned about providing for you and any children, I'd suggest that at age 59 the proper vehicle to do that would be via a well constructed will.

 

Also to be considered, you get rolling in a solid career, you start making the big bucks, your hubby could well live to be in his 90's is he going to be entitled to half of ever dollar you earn?

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Thank you Enema...I see nothing wrong with his plan. Nothing is keeping you from having your own savings on the side. You have already broken up before, he isn't a spring chicken and if something was to happen to his savings, he'd never be able to restore it.

 

I don't see what the big deal is...Unless you'll both be struggling while he's making large deposits in his personal account...but it doesn't seem like this is the case.

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RecordProducer

The old man wants to sleep next to a young girl, but won't share his money with her. :rolleyes::D

Tell him to find a woman who is 34 years older than he (that would be 93 years old) and then he doesn't have to give her any money. He should be happy that you ever looked at his side. He has a young woman who loves him, who will soon be wasting her best years on an old man, and he doesn't want to share ALL the money made during the marriage with you?! He's an idiot! I understand that he wants to protect himself in case of divorce, but NOT sharing marital assets is not only wrong - in the case of your age difference it's grotesque!

 

Who initiated the separation and who the reconciliation? Why is he so special? What is his rationale as to why he wants to control how much you spend and you can't have access to all money made in the marriage? What happened to "ours" as opposed to "yours and mine"? He thinks his money is his and he owes you nothing, but when he's an old fart and you're still young, you WILL owe him to take care of him, right?

 

Regrading the postnup, get a good lawyer. After four years of marriage and not having signed any agreement previously (I assume), your negotiating position is much better than his. Of course, he'll be angry at you forever if you sign anything that he doesn't like. IMO, if you sign that you give up everything and you divorce, you can go to court. The judge would possibly declare the postnup invalid and the marital assets would be divided as if there was no postnup. However, keep in mind I am not a lawyer and you need to speak with a real one, a good one. The postnup must also contain a section describing what you get in case of his death. This agreement over-powers any Will.

 

Let me clarify something: him keeping his retirement account (with all the money he made prior to the marriage) without your name on it is fine. But continuing to invest marital assets into his personal money market account is not OK. It's not illegal, but it's not fair.

 

Does he have any children?

 

The wisest thing to do is to get a student loan and get a job, if you already haven't done this. In that way, you can tell him that you're contributing to the household expenses, you don't owe him sh*t about your education, and therefore, you're entitled to half of his income. By the way, income that comes from capital made prior to the marriage is also a marital asset. E.g. interest that he collects on his retirement savings is a marital asset. The $400K he saved before you entered his life is NOT - that's only his money.

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Inspector71

He will be helping my career because we're both in academia and he's very famous in our field. He says that by helping me with publications and connections, he's contributing to my life, so if we break up, then I have no rights to money because he's helped me in other ways. I understand I have no rights to the money he made before he met me; I told him I have no problems signing something that says I won't attempt to claim it. I know I don't have a claim to it. I am referring to the money he wants to put into his own savings account during the marriage- he says that he'll be contributing from his own paycheck, and he worked his whole life without me to make the kind of income he makes, so how dare I think I can claim anything he is making now. I didn't help him get to where he is, to have the earning power he has now.

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...he says that he'll be contributing from his own paycheck, and he worked his whole life without me to make the kind of income he makes, so how dare I think I can claim anything he is making now. I didn't help him get to where he is, to have the earning power he has now.

 

Damn straight, he's right.

 

It's not like you're a SAHM who gave up her career and earning potential to take care of the kids.

 

You've got your own life, your own career and your own prospects. You don't deserve a single cent of his income. Shame.

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Academids don't make that much money, and 400k is really not that much to have saved at this age. Being in academia myself, I would say that this is precisely the reason why he is so careful. I would do the same, in fact, it could be a dealbreaker for me --> given these paltry savings and income, there is simply no margin for error.

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SoulSearch_CO

If he's putting his OWN money into the retirement account, then I don't see why your name should have to be on it at all. I also agree with his idea of a post-nup. Why do you care if your name is on his retirement account? If you're not marrying him for money, what is it going to prove to put your name on it?

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he's being very wise. getting back together after a 1 yr. seperation,he's covering his azz.if it works out,in the end you'll get the $$ anyways.while i do agree 400,000 isn't much,you really can't expect him "to share" his money the next time you break up or divorce.

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he's being very wise. getting back together after a 1 yr. seperation,he's covering his azz.if it works out,in the end you'll get the $$ anyways.while i do agree 400,000 isn't much,you really can't expect him "to share" his money the next time you break up or divorce.

 

This all has to do with a 34 year age gap, not money. That is what makes the OP so funny, where she tells us the age gap and then tells us to keep our comments to ourselves.

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