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Husband flirts with co-worker...


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We have already discussed my feelings on this, several times. He is friends with a female co-worker and often has lunch or breakfast with her. A few months ago (when I decided I didn't like their relationship) she has suggested their whole squad (police officer) go on a no family or friend Vegas trip for a weekend. The trip never happened because they couldn't organize anything. Needless to say I was pissed about this because she has no right inviting her male co-workers to Vegas for a weekend with out the wives being invited. Of course this was more my husbands fault for discussing the trip with her like it would actually happen.

 

Anyways, after this I told him I didn't like their being "friends" but that I would never tell him who he couldn't be friends with. A few weeks later he tells me their is a rumor at work that they are sleeping together. Someone actually came up and asked him "if he was hitting that." I told him he needed to check their relationship because its starting to disrespect me and our relationship.

 

Well, nothing has changed. Then last week he called me and while he was waiting for me to answer I caught the end of their conversation in which he said: "Well, I offered to take you home safely and you abandonded me." He told me later that she has made a comment about how nice it is to have someone at home worrying about them. The context of his comment came from a night he hung out with some co-workers (including her) and they rode together (with one other person), she decided to stay late to flirt with another officer. So he just took the other guy home.

 

I told him I don't like him flirting with her and he insist he isn't and get's bad that I am always "ragging" on him about it. But I told him he's acting like an idiot.

 

I told him this also explains why there are these rumors about him and he said only two people said anything about it to him. I told him if two people would have the balls to ask him if he is sleeping with her then of course they are talking to other people about it too.

 

He is just acting very disrespectful, stupid, and trying to seem naive. Which just makes me feel like he thinks I am stupid.

 

Any suggestions? I doubt they have slept together but its still rude and I would like it to stop. How am I suppose to go to work events and not feel like a complete idiot. And how am I suppose to respect him when he doesn't respect our relationship. I know he loves me and is otherwise very good to me.

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signedin2008
A few weeks later he tells me their is a rumor at work that they are sleeping together. Someone actually came up and asked him "if he was hitting that."

 

Based on that alone, I think they have slept together already.

 

It seems to me that they did it and some of his co-workers know about it. His telling you about the "rumor" is to protect himself, in case that if that rumor ever gets to you, you won't be surprised.

 

Right now, you just hope that she hasn't slept around and that your H used protection and is not emotionally involved.

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I hope nothing is going on, too, and I am not one to say.

 

But....a number of years ago, I had an employee who was married (I was the manager) come to me because she said "there are rumors going around about me and these two guys and the rumors are not true."

 

Funny thing is...I hadn't heard the rumors. And I don't think the rumors had happened yet.

 

Eventually I did get the scoop about her night with two guys, and the stories sounded pretty convincing to say the least.

 

So there are a few possibilities...

 

He is telling you because there are rumors, and he is afraid you will hear them...and they are not true.

 

Or the rumors are true.

 

Or there are not rumors yet, but he thinks there may be.

 

What it boils down to is...he is still wanting to keep his relationship with a woman that supposedly does not mean much to him.

 

The question is why?

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Yes, we wants to stay friends with her because he said they get along really well. They became friends on his last squad and when shift change came in Jan. they both went to the same new squad (this wasn't her first pick). He isn't like most guys which is why I think they get along so well. I want him to have friends at work, but I would also like him to act professionally. Both for him, me, and her. It's not easy being a female officer and the less drama the better (although she causes some drama herself).

 

We have hung out all together and she seems nice and tells him that she likes me...but a friend that was with us the first time I met her told me she didn't much like the way she acted with my H.

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I haven't had time to re-read your old post (I'm sorry if I'm confussing you with another poster), and am trying to remember if you had children or not.

 

Anyways, it sounds like something is up. I would go to a doctor and get checked just to be on the safe side. Then, I would try to get to the bottem of what is going on between your husband and his friend. If your gut is telling you she is more than a friend, I would start making decisions on rather you want to keep this relationship or not. Good luck.

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I remember that post, and I remember telling you that to anyone who works in law enforcement, it's pretty glaring obvious what's going on. I'm sorry, but this is not uncommon in policing and I haven't ever heard a rumor like that between watches (or squads, as they are also called) that wasn't true. Even if you choose not to believe that, there is still the issue that nothing has changed since you have told him that it is disrespectful.

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You seem to really want to believe he isnt having a PA with this woman, so OK, you may have your own reasons and lets go with that.

 

When MM flirt openly with OW....it puts HIM, and his FAMILY in a bad light. It makes you an object of pity or even possibly scorn. It makes him look like an as* for either being married to such a woman or for treating his family with such blatant disrespect.

 

The rumors alone which he mentioned (probably in an attempt to say :look! I'm telling you this so it must not be true!) are enough to cause you great discomfort and rightfully so.

 

You either have to leave or put up with it I guess. You should however make sure he understands how all of this makes HIM look. He is obviously more concerned with that than he is about you.

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whichwayisup
You either have to leave or put up with it I guess

 

My thoughts exactly. Either figure out a way to deal with this and let it go or tell him that you want him to get a new partner so they are on opposite shifts. Or, tell him you've had enough, that you don't trust him, that you think there IS something going on between them and separate or divorce. To live like you are in constant worry/fear is going to kill not only you, but the marriage itself. Compound all the other issues in your marriage, this situation might be the one to break it all.

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whichwayisup

I would also stand up to him and more or less lay it all out nicely for him:

 

You go to Vegas, you suffer the consquences..I won't be here when you come back. If going to Sin City with her is more important than me and our marriage, then let's just do us a favour NOW and divorce. (As long as you're willing to follow through on this.)

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Redfathom,

 

I am sorry to say that but firefighters and policemen are notorious cheaters... but you probably have heard that before.

 

If your husband is telling you to be prepared to hear the "rumors"... it means that they have already "crossed the line of professional conduct".

 

If you want to try to save your marriage... telling him "how disrespectful his behavior is" will get you absolutely nowhere. Keep in mind that it is very likely that he is having a full blown affair right now. You need to wake him up... either serve him divorce papers or start showing interest in other men. Don't tell him anything... he is not listening anyway... he has to recognise on his own that he is about to lose you. Nothing else will do it.

 

Good luck.

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Firefighters are also notorious cheaters? I knew about policemen. I've known a lot of them that have cheated. I always thought of firefighters as the good guys, and not just because of their line of work.

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whichwayisup
or start showing interest in other men.

 

No, this will just make things worse and make her husband feel even MORE justified in pursuing his co-worker more.

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whichwayisup
Firefighters are also notorious cheaters? I knew about policemen

 

Cops can go out and about in their cruisers..FF's only go out on the truck on calls with their crew. The opportunity to cheat isn't there like it for cops.

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signedin2008
Firefighters are also notorious cheaters? I knew about policemen. I've known a lot of them that have cheated. I always thought of firefighters as the good guys, and not just because of their line of work.

 

In this case, the two of them could have easily cheated. The are police officers, they don't have to be at the office in front of a desk from say 9-5. In other words, both of them can be out of the station for an hour or two to be spent at a local motel. If they only do it once or twice a week during "work" hours, his wife is not going to know.

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No, firefighters are just as bad. It's not the professiona itself (hey, a grocery cashier talks with more people during the day!), it has something to do with an alpha mentality. You don't know how bad it is until you actually are into it (yet still excluded of course, as I am female) but I guess that it is what it is. A lot of my coworkers wives are either ignorant to what goes on or turn the other cheek.

 

In any regular office, people would be horrified that their married coworkers were having an open affair. It's not like that in this world. It is openly accepted by many. Not all of course. But you'd be suprised. I don't have any coworkers over 40 that are still with their first wife. Literally none that I know of!

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Cops can go out and about in their cruisers..FF's only go out on the truck on calls with their crew. The opportunity to cheat isn't there like it for cops.

 

 

Guys... I am quoting my female friend who has been working for about two decades at Chicago Fire Dept. Infidelity flies really high among firefighters.

 

According to her what contributes to this situation is a combination of their "hero" attitude and the fact that people tend to put them on the pedestal. And there is no question that women find firefighters attractive.

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No, this will just make things worse and make her husband feel even MORE justified in pursuing his co-worker more.

 

 

Whichwayisup... you are right to some degree but what she is supposed to do? Sit and wait?

 

Conventional wisdom of this forum will sugesst MC... which will be just a waste of time and money at this point even if she somehow manage to persuade her husband to go.

 

Let's be realistic... the guy is already having a full blown affair and I doubt he is willing to give it up at this point. He needs a wake up call and he needs to feel the consequences of his behavior. He also needs to feel a sense of urgency... and she must create it.

 

Filling for a divorce will not create a sence of urgency by itself. It will go on for months... maybe even years. Her husband will agonizing over himself... how he is torn between two women... how he has to chose between two of them... the BS ( in this case it stands for bull ..... ) will go on and on. He is such a poor boy with a so many responsibilities. But if there is a possibility of another man entering the picture... it will be a completely different ball game. I can assure you... he will sober up immediately.

 

The damage to her marriage is already done... she hasn't done it but she pays the price. And her husband... a modern day cowboy... is having his cake.

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CaliforniaGirl
CaliforniaGirl... most of them are just a bunch of arrogant losers.

 

Well, I don't know that they're losers per se. After all, they do perform a dangerous service that most of us would be unwilling to do. And they do put their lives on the line.

 

I dated a firefighter once. He definitely was arrogant. He was sexy, but...I ended up breaking up with him. I got a little tired of the constant "stroke me" (ego-wise, I mean) stuff. That doesn't mean he wasn't sexy! It just means that sexy isn't always enough to keep a person interested. It wasn't enough for me. ;) No thanks.

 

So I can see the attraction...and I can also see a smart person not going for it. I do see your point, though...it's probably frustrating to guys that women often see a man in uniform as sexy even though he may be a schmuck, just like it's frustrating to women that guys often see a "hot looking" woman as worthy of the chase even if she's a real beeyotch. You know? So I get ya...but I wouldn't go so far as to say that most firefighters and cops are losers.

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i am so sorry you are having to deal with this. it looks like you are getting some very good advice.

 

you are right to not try to control who he creates friendships with or how he handles his friendships. the hard truth is there is no way to control another person so all you would do is make your life more miserable. his choices are his though, unfortunately, his choices have consequences for many people, most importantly, his innocent family...you.

 

i hope that he will snap out of it on his own...realize that this woman is likely trying to flirt and get something going due to her own insecurities (ie: trying to weed in on a man who is taken just to see if she can) which may be a nice infation to his ego but which is very dangerous. most of us know it simply isn't worth it. i know this firsthand from a co-worker flirting very heavily with me (i'm not married but engaged...this co-worker was beyond hot, very successful bachelor everyone wanted...it was great for my ego BUT i avoided him like the plague! no way i would allow even a rumor to get going) even if there is no physical affair...its very dangerous and usually, the one trying to flirt so hard doesn't care about anyone else involved. so, its a double whammy for him if he lets this carry on. not only is he chancing hurting you but hurting himself in the process.

again, even if nothing is going on...the rumors alone will hurt people in the long run. see what it is doing to you already? and he's clearly jumpy about it too.

 

i say, kill 'em with kindness. carry on in your marriage as usual...do things with your husband you'd usually do and if it is some function that includes this woman then smile and chat and show all the best of you at all times. be the bigger person...the better woman. if, like most relationships, your marriage is going through one of those ebbing rather than flowing phases...attempt to spice things up in the romance/sex department and like i said...just in general with activities together, hanging out, talking, planning, being best friends and playmates which i'm sure is what brought you together to start with. try with all your might to not let all this get into your head...keep the green eyed monster at bay and take time to yourself so you can relax and be at your best. also, its good to do more things for yourself. while i advise time with your husband, take time for you too. DO NOT go flirting with other men or try the playing fire with fire because that's (pardon my candor) stupid and immature. all you get is burned. do not betray yourself or him like that. however, the more time you take for yourself and don't bring up this OW or his behavior while not discussing everything you are doing with your time...he's likely to start wondering if he's losing you the more independent you become. the more you love yourself and take care of yourself, the more he's going to remember that woman he married and why he married her and start kicking himself for being such a juvenile bozo. (at least this is what i think should happen...otherwise...i say, he's a self involved schmuck!)

 

at the same time, i have to note that you are 100% right that respecting himself, behaving in a mature and respectful manner will reflect well on your marriage. when he doesn't behave respectfully or maturly...well, it reflects badly on you both and your marriage. definitely try again (after a cooling off period) to discuss this again and how it makes you feel and how it looks to others. ask him if this "friendship" is really worth it? give him something to think about. i mean, he himself said there are rumors so even if nothing is going on...its sure looking like it to others so he may need to tone things down and be more aware. at that...i'd leave it alone. she is going to behave however she wants to behave and that is on her...NOT YOU. though you can be on your best behavior and do all you can to keep your marriage on track and maybe guide your husband to a better way of handling things...you can't control him either and it will drive you crazy trying to control him.

 

so, in short...i believe no spouse should have to worry about such things...i believe you should not be in this position so screw 'em! if he wants to behave like a fool then so be it. you take care of you...do what you can for the marriage and give it some time. if he continues with this behavior or it goes places none of us want it to go...then move on. after a good long attempt at giving him a chance at making better decisions...if he doesn't...its ultimatum time because at the end of the day, it's you breathing in and out your lungs...its your body, your life, your happiness, your present and your future. take hold of it and let no one have power over you but you.

 

my best to you...good luck.

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So far I have been killing her with kidness...and telling hubby he needs to act more professional at work that if people are asking him if they are sleeping together then it must look like it to them.

 

Tonight we (me, him, and his whole squad) are supposed to go out to a bar and hang out. I have only met her, so I will be meeting everyone else. I plan to be super nice and fun and just chill.

 

I talked to some friends yesterday and they said in no way would he ever cheat on me...and I don't think he has, but I still hate feeling like a fool because he is acting stupid. Like our marriage is a joke or something to him that he can just play the fool at work.

 

As for the comments about cop vs firefighters cheating, I find it interesting that firefighters wouldn't cheat because the work they do is so noble. Like police work isn't? So because he's a cop and he writes tickets he is a bad guy and thus a cheater...

 

Our marriage otherwise is great, he always all over me, we have fun just hanging out. I do have lots of hobbies which get me out of the house twice a week...

 

His co-worker liked his brother, she said he was hot, he dissed her for being too fat...So if he cheated on me with her, his brothers would never forgive him, because they really like me.

 

I guess we shall see how things go tonight...thanks all for the replies.

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As for the comments about cop vs firefighters cheating, I find it interesting that firefighters wouldn't cheat because the work they do is so noble. Like police work isn't? So because he's a cop and he writes tickets he is a bad guy and thus a cheater...

 

No one ever said that, the reality is that a lot (most) police officers cheat and the same is with firefighters. This is an unfortunate reality for their women (hey, mine is a police officer too!). It IS acceptable to cheat on your wife in law enforcement.

 

Oh well, I've tried to tell you from the perspective of a woman who works alongside your husband but you don't want to hear it, so I'll bow out. I'll have to admit, I've always wondered what went through the wives' heads of the men that I worked with, I guess I have seen it now!

 

One last piece of advice: those rumours never EVER start with good, respectable men in law enforcement. Never. Don't only hear what you want to hear.

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I am not only hearing what I want to hear but I also don't like gernerlizations. I am sure a lot of men and women cheat in all professions. What 50% of marriages end in divorce mostly due to affairs. But hey some people think all black people commit crimes, should I also live my life by that nonesense and not trust a black person?

 

Also, you don't work alongside my husband, you work alongside people who have the same career. I guess its stupid of me not to think the worst of everyone.

 

But I can't leave my H because other cops cheat, I can't hold him accountable for their actions. Sure his actions aren't commendable right now and I want to address that. But I don't want to assume he will cheat just because of his career choice. Which by the way I respect. Serving the public and getting bad people off the street is an honorable job.

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I work w/ all men & am not attracted to any of them. Just ask your H how attracted he is to her and go from there. Make sure you're always around socially when she's there. You have no idea how hurtful it might be to her to have the wives all hate her because she's one of the only females. I'm best friends for 10 yrs w/ the guys I work with & none of their wives have had anything to do w/ me. I stood over one of my best friends, open casket funeral & his wife wouldn't turn around to greet me. She's probably hurt by the rumor too. Some of the flirting is just wok banter. Just another POV.

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