missjackied Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 So I have known my husband for about 10 years. We have been married almost 4. Before we were married I never saw get very angry. Then once we were married I swear he just became a rageaholic. If he couldn't get a hold on me on the phone he would literally call me 50 times and when I did answer he would scream at me. He has never tried to hurt my physically but he has punched holes in walls and doors before. He calls me names and says horrible belittling things to me when we fight. Don't get me wrong, we have had our share of good times but I feel like now the bad outways the good. I also feel like he is extememly passive aggressive and always tries to guilt trip me when I tell him I want to leave. We have a 3 year old son and I don't want him to see us fight. My husband has gotten a lot better about his outbursts and doesn't rage anymore but he still calls me names and guilt trips me. We have been going to marriage counseling for about 3 months and I think that I shouldn't even bother because I have checked out emotionally. He is a good dad and loves his child but I don't think I am in love with him anymore. He has told me he understands if I just want to be friends and just focus on raising our son but of course he would want to be with me. I guess I am just wondering if it's even worth trying but at this point I think I am done. Link to post Share on other sites
Elilmomma Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I am in a very similar situation as you, my hubby is verbally abusive to me too, and has been for several years. My hubby thinks words are just that words but I tell him they hurt me as well , then he tells me it's because I am weak. I say get out if you can , it might be better for you and your son as well. It starts with the verbal abuse then it goes to the physical stuff. If you have the resources and the strength get out now. I have been married to my hubby for almost 4 years and we have been together for almost 12 years and I am trapped . I would never want anyone to be in a relationship like me. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I think if you're already in MC, that's something to ask the MCounselor. Otherwise, maybe get yourself into IC. Or if you are a religious person, it might serve you to talk to your church leader. This isn't really a question to be asking on an online forum. Nobody here can diagnose the problems of your marriage on such limited information - it's only what YOU have told us - ONE side of the story. That's not really fair. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 It starts off emotional/head games then verbal then its a push here and there and then a wack across the skull with an object of choice! No believe me its never just verbal forever NEVER!... get out for your son if for no other reason.. To me yes its def grounds to go.. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 It doesn't matter if the verbal abuse doesn't become physical abuse. The damage is still severe, it just creeps up on you more slowly. If he's doing it to you than he most likely will do it to your child also. I've been in a simular situation and can tell you he either has to change now or you need to get out. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 OP, you don't need grounds. Just leave and file. Most states are no fault. Even if you live in a fault state, "extreme mental cruelty" would likely be easy to qualify in your case. My sympathies... Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 A husbands job is to make a woman feel protected. If you do not achieve this, get a councilor, pastor, friend as reserve speaker to your husband. Check your marriage contract! Link to post Share on other sites
Montclair0011 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 20 years and my husband finally left me for someone else. I allowed my self-esteem to be destroyed and gave up two careers to help my husband succeed. I've been in therapy since then and have learned a lot about the dynamics of that kind of relationship and how anger can destroy all feelings of love. Unlike other posters, I would recommend that you continue with the MC and see if you can work it out. You may be surprised to find out that the reason you no longer feel emotionally for your husband is because you are also raging mad at him as he was at you. It's not typical for one to be the ragaholic and the other to be just as mad but quiet and withdrawn. There needs to be more of a balance and you need to reconnect. I'm not sure if your marriage can be saved, but since you have a child, I think you should give it a try. A good MC can help you reconnect. The reason I suggest you try is because from your post it sounds like your husband is willing to try to make things better. Does he admit he has a horrible temper and that it has hurt your relationship? If so, that is a positive, and critical step. Anger management is very, very difficult to achieve, so it's critical that he be honest about that and willing to work on that, perhaps with an individual therapist as well. If he's not willing to work on the temper, than maybe you should leave, because continuing to live in a world where you walk on eggshells and spend all of your energy trying to keep someone from blowing up is exhausting and eventually kills your soul. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 20 years and my husband finally left me for someone else. I allowed my self-esteem to be destroyed and gave up two careers to help my husband succeed. I've been in therapy since then and have learned a lot about the dynamics of that kind of relationship and how anger can destroy all feelings of love. Unlike other posters, I would recommend that you continue with the MC and see if you can work it out. You may be surprised to find out that the reason you no longer feel emotionally for your husband is because you are also raging mad at him as he was at you. It's not typical for one to be the ragaholic and the other to be just as mad but quiet and withdrawn. There needs to be more of a balance and you need to reconnect. I'm not sure if your marriage can be saved, but since you have a child, I think you should give it a try. A good MC can help you reconnect. The reason I suggest you try is because from your post it sounds like your husband is willing to try to make things better. Does he admit he has a horrible temper and that it has hurt your relationship? If so, that is a positive, and critical step. Anger management is very, very difficult to achieve, so it's critical that he be honest about that and willing to work on that, perhaps with an individual therapist as well. If he's not willing to work on the temper, than maybe you should leave, because continuing to live in a world where you walk on eggshells and spend all of your energy trying to keep someone from blowing up is exhausting and eventually kills your soul. Abuses will always make it seam they want to "work things out" thats a tool in their lil bag of tricks! He more then likely wont change no marriage counselor will make him ether I'm sorry but id leave before he crosses the mental/physical abuse line and "reconnects" with her head.. Link to post Share on other sites
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