10 Keys To Maintaining A Relationship

[Mr. Lucky]

"Borrowed" from Yahoo, I thought this was pretty good in that it addresses specific ways long-term couples can relate to each other...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

1. Act Out of Character. Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time.

2. Get in Touch a Lot. No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level.

3. Take Turns Talking. To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks.

4. Find the Intersection. When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami?

5. Be More Positive Than Negative. There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time."

6. Echo Each Other. When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood.

7. Take a Time-Out. Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room.

8. Have His Back. You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what.

9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other. You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color.

10. Be a Good Date. Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat.

[LovieDove24]

There should be a disclaimer with this though. Some people get so caught up in trying so hard that they lose sight of the fact that relationships are two fold. Its all fine and dandy if you want to make up vacation lists, or pet his arm during tv, but if these things are rarely, if ever reciprocated it won't matter how hard you try because most likely your relationship will fail. Both partners have to want to pull out these stops or really theres no point. Thats the disclaimer. But overall, I do like the post. You need to give love to get love is basically what I perceive this to be.

[carhill]

Yes, if one partner is passive, the other ends up, purely by default, taking responsibility for the relationship dynamic.

 

Where both partners are proactive and involved, the OP has some great tools, which echo a good deal of what we learned in MC. The key is "want"; wanting to do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Both partners have to want to pull out these stops or really theres no point. Thats the disclaimer. But overall, I do like the post. You need to give love to get love is basically what I perceive this to be.

I agree with what you say. I was looking at this more as relationship maintenance during the "down" part of the up and down cycle that every relationship goes through. If your partner can be there for you emotionally in some of the ways described during a time when you're struggling with family, job, health, etc., issues, that means a lot. And while one partner gives a little (or a lot) more during those times, I agree that continuing that dynamic long-term isn't good for either person...

 

Mr. Lucky