laurie1027 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hi there...I was married last October- about to be separated and divorced. My husband is a Marine- not very good at showing affection or expressing emotion- seeing anger management counselor right now. Long story short- I am hoping that someone might be able to offer a little perspective- I can never get too much perspective We had a really stressful year last year- our first year living together- full of deployment, desperate job searches on my part, a DUI (on his part), moving, buying a house, etc. I was completely in love with him and told him often- very supportive- took him to work when he lost his license- always supported him in decisions, etc. ADORED him. I did, however, try to explain to him that I needed more as far as him paying attention to detail and doing little things to show me he loved me- expressing himself more to me, etc. We had a bad series of holidays and when Christmas came we were supposed to go to his parents house for a few days- his sister called and we spoke- she said something about him being selfish- when I came home and tried to talk to him about it he became quite defensive and it all went down hill from there- I said I didn't want to go anymore- he punched a few holes in the wall- I said divorce many times and got REALLY angry and he left...for 12 days. I went to a marriage counselor after he left and the counselor instructed me to give him 3 days (72 hours) and if he didn't come back then he wasn't committed to the relationship- he came back 12 days later, after skiing in Colorado with his sisters. His family, I am quite certain has played a really negative role in this as well (not that he's not a big boy). His mom hung up on me when I called there (he excused as an accident after not believing it!) and his sister has said some HORRIBLE things about me- including claiming I am a "broken woman" who needs years of counsel and that I am probably "trying to get pregnant to keep him" and that "he needs to be running to a divorce lawyer and not a marriage counselor". I know that I got too angry- always thought that I needed to fix stuff here and now- but since have really learned to walk away for a bit and calm down. I have grown a great deal from this experience and working with the counselor. But was saying "divorce" and getting too angry really something that unforgivable? If every other day I am telling him how thankful I am to have him in my life and how much I love him. To me, his not doing anything for Xmas and getting defensive was showing me that he didn't care and I was REALLY hurt. Thanks for reading Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Sounds like a lifetime of drama if you stay. Sorry to say it but your fella sounds like a teenager and not a marine. On the other hand throwing out the D word so quickly doesn't sound to healthy either. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 With all due respect I really don't blame him for leaving. You guys are married less than a year and you are already nagging him and showing resentment plus you are threatening divorce. He is probably getting out while he still has the chance and running for his life. He has seen the future of this marriage and he wants no part of it. I am sorry if I sound harsh but this is what he is probably thinking. Try and put yourself in his shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 y'all have a terrible communication style to start with ... is he going to counseling with you? that said, threatening divorce is a low blow, IMO. That kind of terroristic behavior doesn't belong in a marriage, because once it's there, it starts sowing seeds of doubt. While I don't condone your husband's behavior, I can see how what you said about divorcing him has caused even more distance between you. being angry is a whole other thing than being cruel; surely there was a better way to approach the situation than threatening divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Chat Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 My husband left me 1 year after we were married for the girl he had been in love with since college - the betrayal was bad - but the being married for 1 year felt like a failure..... But it was for the best - I am young (almost 28) and I found what I consider to be the true love of my life (true meaning it surpasses all other experiences) and I moved to France to be with my little Frog..... Red flags are being raised here and probably for the best - - - 1) Violence - er yeah run 2) Inability to communicate - the life force of a marriage 3) Threats - whether from your mouth or his disregard by leaving for 12 days - er you are both holding your marriage hostage 4) You went to a marriage counsellor who gave you advise, yet your here asking more advise, from all said he is off with the family skiing 5) Lack of family support - his family clearly dont respect nor support your marriage and most likely based on things he is saying.... Let go - do yourself a favour - invite him to counselling if he refuses - let it go - the D word sucks - but so does a lifetime of dysfunctional misery Link to post Share on other sites
Author laurie1027 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Thanks I guess the thing is that saying "I'm out" (which translated into "divorce")is my defense- but I feel like its something that I can (and have now) worked on- one bad habit among my otherwise very loving, nurturing demeanor. I was just really disappointed that instead of him wanting to help me grow in that way and build our marriage (I finally got a full time great job that would allow me to relax a bit- finances, etc)- he just cut me off. Explaining to him WHY I said divorce (hurt and too upset to think well, not communicating my real feelings, just anger) and apologizing a LOT- I was 1000% dedicated to change - but I feel like he needed to understand that he needed to do some changing too. I looked at it like we BOTH needed to understand how to be married better (real new at it!) -how to give more and take less, how to fight productively and how to respect more- but he jumped off the train there (I think with much guidance from his family) I don't really understand though- because no matter what he said to me if I knew he was in a lot of pain and I could help- I would have been there--not skiing and ignoring my phone calls-I wouldn't have taken a lifetime of abuse- but I would have been there to try and help him understand it better and I would have looked for every avenue for change before just calling it quits. Thanks to everyone for the insight- woggles- your words are pretty rough-but again, appreciated-I do not think in my estimation if you love someone and see many good things in them- you necessarily walk away when you present one bad thing. We had trouble throughout the year, but I really feel like we BOTH got us there- it's not as if I woke up that day saying "I can't wait to freak out at my new husband this afternoon and yell divorce"- it was supposed to be our relationship and I agree that I think our communication STUNK! And thanks for the advice of moving on (my marriage counselors advice as well)-that is exactly what I am doing- here's to 2009! Thanks again you guys! Shannon Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 y'all have a terrible communication style to start with ... Amen. Once someone throws out the "D" word, the other partner really has very few available responses. You have to learn how to fight fair, say your piece but still leave the relationship intact. If one has a temper, not always the easiest thing to do... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Ok, I feel compelled to respond to this. Sometimes things are said or done that give you no recourse but to warn them that whatever they are doing is unacceptable. I said this to my husband (well, told him to leave as he had his own house) when he called me a slut, whore and that I was 'doing' things to guys. That and he intended to ruin my career. And, no, I never cheated. He just opted to say the things that hurt me. And this was a month into our marriage. Not to threadjack, but perhaps OP saw things and heard things that scared her enough for her to see that if these things continued that it would make her not want to be married to him. Her attempt to let him know that punching a wall wasn't appropriate. Some things do warrant the threat of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Some things do warrant the threat of divorce. I agree, but it's like they tell you in the Police Academy - don't draw your weapon unless you plan on using it. It doesn't sound like, at least in hindsight, that's what the OP wanted... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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