hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 My wife isn't working (layed off) so her friend asked her to baby sit her dogs for a week while she is on vacation in the UK. Well naturally, because her friend is not going to be there, she now wants to take another two days. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if she visits her friends. But yesterday morning I find out I have two torn and ruptured discs in my back that are causing a lot of pain and numbness going down my leg (it really hurts). So do I get the cursory offer "Honey, I think I should cancel going to socal for 9 days. I don't think you should be alone. You may need my help". Nope, not even the offer (I would tell her to go anyway). She is going to see my mom while she is there, and I was fishing for some sympathy. So I ask if we should call my mom and let her know about my back and that I am going to need surgery. She says. "I guess we better". Then I say "Maybe we shouldn't tell her. She might ask you "why didn't you stay home so you could help my son? he must be in a lot of pain." I even said it with just a little attitude. So she says "yeah we probably shouldn't tell her". Great now I can't even cry on moms shoulder. Damn, I wonder if the mailman has a couple of minutes to spare? This sucks, not even an f-ing offer. I hope she isn't expecting a ***** load of conversation when she calls. If she starts talking to me about what her and her friends are doing there, she will hear the silence from 400 miles away. I'm pretty forgiving, but this really bugs me. And now I'll have 9 days to chew on this. I'll bet she didn't even tell her friend about my back, because I know her, and she would say "stay with him, I'll just kennel the dogs". Well honey, you just wrote a major frigging check on your love account. I hope you have fun. Thanks for listening to my rant. Link to post Share on other sites
Squirtal Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Haven't got anything to say that would be productive, so I just want to say I hope it feels better soon. Try and enjoy a bit of slob time to you, and don't do any dishes so she can do them on her return. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Newsflash...it doesn't get better, unlike your back, hopefully. Is she normally emotionally distant, or is this new for her? Some people just don't have the psychological ability to be caring. She might be one of them. Or, you're just a tool to her. I'll assume that you've been giving what you want (caring, empathy, etc), yes? It's not about the friend's dogs, but I guess you know that Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 My wife isn't working (layed off) so her friend asked her to baby sit her dogs for a week while she is on vacation in the UK. Well naturally, because her friend is not going to be there, she now wants to take another two days. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if she visits her friends. But yesterday morning I find out I have two torn and ruptured discs in my back that are causing a lot of pain and numbness going down my leg (it really hurts). So do I get the cursory offer "Honey, I think I should cancel going to socal for 9 days. I don't think you should be alone. You may need my help". Nope, not even the offer (I would tell her to go anyway). She is going to see my mom while she is there, and I was fishing for some sympathy. So I ask if we should call my mom and let her know about my back and that I am going to need surgery. She says. "I guess we better". Then I say "Maybe we shouldn't tell her. She might ask you "why didn't you stay home so you could help my son? he must be in a lot of pain." I even said it with just a little attitude. So she says "yeah we probably shouldn't tell her". Great now I can't even cry on moms shoulder. Damn, I wonder if the mailman has a couple of minutes to spare? This sucks, not even an f-ing offer. I hope she isn't expecting a ***** load of conversation when she calls. If she starts talking to me about what her and her friends are doing there, she will hear the silence from 400 miles away. I'm pretty forgiving, but this really bugs me. And now I'll have 9 days to chew on this. I'll bet she didn't even tell her friend about my back, because I know her, and she would say "stay with him, I'll just kennel the dogs". Well honey, you just wrote a major frigging check on your love account. I hope you have fun. Thanks for listening to my rant. What you are engaging in is passive-aggressive behavior and you're pissed because your wife isn't buying into it. If you want or need something from people you need to ASK them directly for it !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Thanks for the thoughts squirtal Carhill: No, she generally is a very compassionate person. But she can be a little dense. She has absolutely no sense of humor.....NONE. My kids and I look at her with astonishment sometimes. We will tell a joke, or a story, or a comeback that is hilarious. She just stares? I'll tell her a joke like this,.... There were these to cannibals sitting around a fire eating a clown. One looks to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?" Now if you told this to your average person, he would imagine the picture of this in his mind, with the cannibal chewing on the severed leg of the clown with it's big ol' clown shoe on. But my wife just gets the puzzled look on her face. It makes marriage just a little more difficult if you can't get your spouse to laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Newsflash...it doesn't get better, unlike your back, hopefully. Is she normally emotionally distant, or is this new for her? Some people just don't have the psychological ability to be caring. She might be one of them. Or, you're just a tool to her. I'll assume that you've been giving what you want (caring, empathy, etc), yes? It's not about the friend's dogs, but I guess you know that My ex had back issues.. a chronic pain thing that got thrown in my face constantly, he couldn't take a job because of his back, he couldn't do this because of his back,he couldn't do that because of his back.. I got to do all the working and earning and I also used to get bouts of 3 months at a wack of him literally doing nothing at all. I had to not only work and run the house I had to wait on him hand and foot,console, comfort and baby him. During all this,none of my life concerns or issues mattered. Any problem,illness or pain I might have was dismissed with a wave of his hand and the statement "You have a strong back" I had to fight with him to get him to the doctors,I had to fight with him to get MRI's, I had to fight with him to get him to physical therapy, I had to fight with him to get him to enroll in pain management. Vacations? evenings out? activities as a couple? All seemed to be magically cancelled as his back would generally start acting up within hours of any planned activity. He'd tell me to go without him but would do so while wearing his pained,christ on a cross face.. and I'd know if I went I'd be paid back with a nice crisis upon my return. Chronic pain is a medical issue most certainly but it's an issue that must be addressed head on with supports for the entire family. The patient needs help in reducing pain but also in trying to manage and function so as to not impact their lives and relationships. The piece of all this that I haven't mentioned yet? I deal with pretty severe arthritis. I've been thru PT and pain management courses. I've learned to tolerate a pretty high degree of pain and still function. I've learned how to directly ask for help when I need it and not let my pain dominate my life and ruin my relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 So balance "normal" vs what you're experiencing right now. How do you reconcile that? Is she depressed from being laid off? I ask this, because even at the lowest moments, an intrinsic personality characteristic like empathy or compassion doesn't disappear. I don't even like my wife much right now but, if she had an injury/condition develop like you describe, I'd be right there for her. It's not about her; it's about me and how I feel about myself. If your wife is normally caring and compassionate, there's something going on, and it's likely serious.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 soserious. So let me understand this. I should ask her directly for a little compassion and that she should at least offer to cancel her trip? Not wanting her to though. Just offering to show that she is willing to sacrifice something she wants to do for the one she loves. You may call it passive aggressive. I might call it consideration. I look at your advice, and I compare it to going up to her and saying "tell me you love me". Kind of defeats the purpose if she doesn't say it without asking for it. Don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 So balance "normal" vs what you're experiencing right now. How do you reconcile that? Is she depressed from being laid off? I ask this, because even at the lowest moments, an intrinsic personality characteristic like empathy or compassion doesn't disappear. I don't even like my wife much right now but, if she had an injury/condition develop like you describe, I'd be right there for her. It's not about her; it's about me and how I feel about myself. If your wife is normally caring and compassionate, there's something going on, and it's likely serious.... He said his wife is a fairly concrete person.. these blessed people assume that others say what they mean,ask for what they want when they want it. She is most like thinking her husband is an adult and if he wanted her to stay home and caretake for him that he would ask. Hunk,what you're doing now is gunny sacking.. you're sitting there setting up a test for her only she doesn't know about the test, you're planning on sulking and punishing her for going away to boot. This isn't healthy for either of you. You need to communicate directly how you feel and what it is that you need from her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 OP, I understand your conundrum and I've lived and and gone through MC regarding it. What I'm having trouble with is why your wife, being a compassionate person, would not display that in her care of you. Any thoughts on that? Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 soserious. So let me understand this. I should ask her directly for a little compassion and that she should at least offer to cancel her trip? Not wanting her to though. Just offering to show that she is willing to sacrifice something she wants to do for the one she loves. You may call it passive aggressive. I might call it consideration. I look at your advice, and I compare it to going up to her and saying "tell me you love me". Kind of defeats the purpose if she doesn't say it without asking for it. Don't you think? You are setting up an unfair test here.. you're saying that if she offered you'd tell her to go anyway.. but since she hasn't you're going to sit around hinting and getting more resentful by the minute,you're also going to make sure to punish her with sulking and silience when she calls. Hunk,if I need something from someone, I find the best way to get it is to ask directly for it, not to play games and to hint and setup tests and such. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Carhill, No she is definitely not depressed about being laid off. With her unemployment, canceling a couple of services, her not eating lunch out, changing my deductions, and stopping the 401k. We make the same amount. Its not that she is void of caring or compassion. She did give the doctor her cell phone #, so she could be reached about any insurance issues. Like I said, I was just looking for some consideration. Maybe I'm feeling a little sorry for myself too. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 soserious, I can tell you with authority that, when a person has little emotional content, the only things they understand are smacks in the face, like "I want a divorce". If the OP's wife is like that, he can tell her directly how he feels, e.g. "I'm in pain and want you to cancel your trip" and she'll just redirect it or, worse, ignore him, like my wife ignored me. "I want you out of my house" works much better Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Carhill, No she is definitely not depressed about being laid off. With her unemployment, canceling a couple of services, her not eating lunch out, changing my deductions, and stopping the 401k. We make the same amount. Its not that she is void of caring or compassion. She did give the doctor her cell phone #, so she could be reached about any insurance issues. Like I said, I was just looking for some consideration. Maybe I'm feeling a little sorry for myself too. Hunk, think about this,you're saying that if she offered to cancel you'd tell her to go anyway..the fact that you're looking here to see if she'll make a big self-sacrifice as proof of her love for you..tells me that either you're feeling overwhelming needy as result of your condition or that there are deeper issues and problems in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Hey, well at least I got you to stick up for her. All is not lost Interesting how psychology works. Order in some pizza and beer. Works great with the Vicodin Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 soserious, I can tell you with authority that, when a person has little emotional content, the only things they understand are smacks in the face, like "I want a divorce". If the OP's wife is like that, he can tell her directly how he feels, e.g. "I'm in pain and want you to cancel your trip" and she'll just redirect it or, worse, ignore him, like my wife ignored me. "I want you out of my house" works much better I'm a pretty practical,direct woman and I don't get all emotional over anything. I'm also a massively supportive,helpful person to have in your corner when the chips are down. I have no trouble with giving people I love what they need. I do have problems with hints,indirectness and hidden tests. If you need something big from me,you need to ask me for it. I'm an adult,function as an adult. I give other adults the respect of assuming that they too function as adults and are able to comminucate their needs clearly and without game playing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Soserious, Carhill I have been married to this woman for 29 years. I know her real well. Her not offering is out of character for her. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I also know if I come out and say anything, she will say that I am trying to make her feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I'm an adult,function as an adult. I give other adults the respect of assuming that they too function as adults and are able to comminucate their needs clearly and without game playing. Just so you know, there's a big world out there that works much differently than you do. If it were all the same, marriage counseling would be a dead industry. Psychology delineates between caring and empathy. You, like my wife, care, but have little empathy. Empathy is feeling those hints, reading between the lines. People who hurt and try to contain it within with hope of selfless empathy and caring from a spouse are not junvenile, although, to you, they may appear to be that way. To them, you're insensitive and self-involved. See how that works I'll bet the OP's wife didn't even ask him about his condition or the surgery. Right, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 I think carhill sums it up pretty well. Soserious (very descriptive name), we definitely wouldn't mesh. I'll give you an example. My wife had a real hard week at work a couple of months ago. She didn't ask for any consideration, but I was able to sense that she was stressed and down about things (she worked for an architect, they are now down to the owner and his wife. From a dozen employees). So I bought her flowers, bought her a love card, lit the candles, ran a bath, cooked her dinner and DID THE DISHES! Not because she asked for it like an adult. But because I could sense she needed it. And guess what, she did. With you, I wouldn't know what to do. Maybe have some cerebral conversation about how we need to suck it up and white knuckle through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Squirtal Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 That was a lovely thing to do. I think if I'm right..correct me if I am not..but its really an issue of just having a little bit of consideration offered. Just a thought from your SO. I also believe it was just a vent..and exhalation of hot air and a Grrrr... I think everyone would like for a thoughtful action or word when they are feeling low and/or in pain. Its just knowing someone is willing to be there is more than enough to make you feel a little better. Even you you refuse, its nice to know... It doesn't have to mean you are testing someone. Its nice when my partner offers to do the washing up when I get in from work..I always say no, but its nice that he offered....does that make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 OP, you're a mature man in a long marriage (nearly as long as my parent's was when my dad died). Trust your instincts. My emotional style is often combative, but I do think this is one instance where it's time for that "adult" conversation soserious mentions to take place. The other option is rants here and resentment, a feeling I know well. Even though I agree with you regarding daily care and sensitivity, what you're going through is a big deal and bears a complete sharing with your wife. I mean, if you get surgery, you could end up paralyzed (it's possible). Big deal; really big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Another point soserious is that you may be projecting how you would deal with it on to my wife. She is very empathetic. If she were like you (not that that is a bad thing) I would probably approach the situation differently. I have been a successful salesman for a quarter of a century. Like a cop, Its my job to read people. The first ten years of our marriage she had horrible depression issues. I literally stayed at the end of the bed every other weekend while she cried. She did finally get on prozac and it has been wonderful ever since. So we have developed our relationship being empathetic and knowing/feeling when something isn't right. That's why I'm bugged. I hear you carhill. I will probably say something before she leaves. Something to the effect of "Honey, I'm a little bugged that you didn't offer to cancel your trip after you found out about my back and see the pain I am in" Not that I would have wanted you to cancel, but the offer would have been nice." Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 When was her last physical? I'm assuming you are in your 50's. Lots of changes going on with our bodies. I'm just starting and my wife is in early menopause. You've now established for us that this is abnormal behavior for her, so let's get to the bottom of it. The words and phrases you ascribed to her in your OP sound disconnected. Would you agree? Almost like her mind is elsewhere and she is answering on autopilot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Well guys, I took your advice and brought the subject up to my wife. And I was right she knew that I was hinting around about it. But she didn't offer because she was afraid that I would take her up on it. Which still kind of bugs me, but I guess I'll have to suck it up. So I gave her a refund regarding her love account. Say about 90%. But she owes me one. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 And I know the perfect day for her to pay up Seriously, hope all goes well with the surgery... Link to post Share on other sites
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