Sue Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 I'm married, have twins (boys) still living at home, but they are out most of the time and busy. The problem is that I feel lonely in my marriage and with the twins grown up, I feel such an emptiness in my life. Before the boys started school, we spent a lot time together, as a family and there was such a closenss, it was wonderful. But then, through the years, my husband became too busy with coaching sports, being the top scout leader, night classes, computer, starting a business (lost money and had to let it go) etc., etc. It didn't matter what he did - he would be consumed by it. A while ago, he bought a big screen TV and satellite, that he put in the basement, so, he spends most of his time in the basement watching it. The remainder of his time he devotes to his other interests. Usually, I see him only when he comes upstairs for a drink/snack or mealtimes. In the past year, the only time I did something with him, was to go to a restaurant, for the twins' birthday. I used to do all the painting inside and outside of our house, but I can't handle it on my own anymore. So the house has gotten neglected and if I ask when it'll be done, he gets impatient or angry. So many times I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he either explodes or has an answer like: 1. You're not going to stand in the way of my doing what I want to do. 2. Amuse yourself. You don't expect me to sit there and entertain you. 3. Can't stand to see me have a good time, eh? 4. It's not my problem that you don't watch TV and movies like I do. 5. I was in a good mood, but you just had to start something. He says I'm complaining for nothing and I wouldn't have it any better with any other man. He says they would pay attention to me at first, but, after they wouldn't. I have a lot of anger and sadness in my heart. Is there something wrong with me, or do I have reason to feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Donna Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 It sounds to me as though you have put in a lot of energy and centered your life around the family, and soon it will be just you and the husband again...You guys need to find your way back to each other, to enjoy each other as people again, not just someone who lives with each other... You MUST make this clear to him, that you are not so happy with how things are, and things need to get better...Try to do some romantic things with him, a candlelit dinner for two, etc... He clearly has taken you for granted, but don't become a nag or a schrew, if the painting needs doing, then tell him it needs to be done and you heard of a really good painter that you are thinking of hiring to do it... You are not crazy, this happens to a lot of people who raise families, and this is why it is crucial for mom and dad to do romantic things while the kids are growing up, never put the relationship on the back burner for the sake of the kids, because the situation you are experiencing now will inevitably happen... Good luck, it isn't going to be easy, but the effort could be worth it, and hopefully he will respond well... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 you may also seriously want to consider marriage counselling. if he balks, go alone. These folks will give you tools to help improve your relationship while at the same time listen to you concerns. another good resource is a Marriage Encounter weekend. they're pretty intense, but they remind you why you chose your marriage partner and teach you how to communicate with each other. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
BeReal Posted August 10, 2002 Share Posted August 10, 2002 I think you are missing two things. Interests of your own and quality time with your husband and family. Your husband shouldn't need to entertain you all the time but he does need to spend some time with you. Why don't you ask him out to dinner or something you enjoy? Compromise on things. Watch a movie with him and then he can do something that you enjoy. Give him a few chances to say yes without nagging and complaining. Have a back up activity planned with a friend or solo so that you aren't disappointed if he turns you down. If he continues to neglect your needs, then look into counseling like quankanne suggested. What do you enjoy? You put so much energy into your family that I think you have neglected your own interests. Find some friends, take classes, rekindle old hobbies. You need some personal interests and activities so you can entertain yourself and make friends so you won't feel so lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
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