Fiance Wants a Break?

[1waiting]

Hi All, I'm really confused and having a hard time accepting this. My fiance told me over the weekend that she needed a break to make sure this is what she wanted. I'm not really concerned about another person because I know for a fact that there is nobody else on the scene. I am concerned that I will loose her. I think NC is the way to go to give her the space she needs. She text me seven times today and tried to call me three times. I only text her back to let her know that I'm at work and will call her later when I'm out. We do need to speak because we need to go to the tax office and sort out our tax bill with the tax assesor. We own a condo together. I know before people start bashing me for owning a place together and not being married, but that is besides the point. So I will have to see her at least one time during our break. The thing is I can not bring myself to call her, and tell her I'm off tomorrow and we can go and get this taken care of. Has anybody been engaged and been told that the other person needs space? I do apologize for rambling but I'm not thinking the best right now. Thank You in Advance!

1Waiting

[whichwayisup]

Give her that space, but don't cut her out of your life with NC.

 

Suggest that maybe she seek some counselling to help her with her worries/fears about getting married, and also when she's ready, maybe the two of you can do pre-marriage counselling..

 

She is scared, do you know why? Something from her past, childhood or a bad relationship experience? Has she opened up to you about what she is feeling and why?

[1waiting]

Well she is in counseling and has been for about a year. The reason for the counseling is the fact that she was married and her husband was killed in an accident. She did pressure me to get engaged and I acted on it. If she did not I would have "dated" her for the rest of my life. We were engaged at the end of October, then this came about. We have dated a little over three years and for the most part everything is good. In all honesty something is lacking but we have no clue what it is. We are best friends and we really do love each other. She is still wearing the engagement ring because she does not want people asking her about what is going on. She did say that she waited till after the holidays to do this so that tells me this has been on her mind. I am a little caught off guard by all of this. I should add that I did go with her to see the counselor and the counselor was very supportive of the engagement and felt the timing was right. Thank You for the Reply. If anybody else can add to this please feel free to post. Thanks Again!

[jwi71]

Have you two considered going to couples counseling? Talking jointly about her loss and her fears with a trained professional may help you both.

 

What do you think is lacking?

[Lauriebell82]

Something jumped out at me about your post.

 

If she needs "space" why did she text you 7 times and call you? What kind of space does she need? I think couples counseling is a good idea as well, to sort out her fears and concerns about marriage.

 

It sounds to me like she is scared that she may end up losing you like she lost her husband to a car accident.

[1waiting]

Thank You for the replies. So now you know why I'm confused with the phone calls and texts. Today there have been no calls or texts. Well as far as the accident happening I wish I could say it was a car accident but what really happened was her Husbands best friend accidently shot him. This happened a week before her first anniversary, about 4 1/2 years ago. I went to the counsellor a few times with her and it went well. So now I'm at my parents house because thats where I mainly stay due to the fact that I look after them. My Father had a stroke and my Mother has alzheimers. I stayed about two nights a week at the condo that we own together and the rest of the time I stayed at my parents. But we saw each other pretty much everyday. So do I just wait for her to initiate contact. She does have an appointment on Saturday morning and she asked if I would like to go. I think I will but what about the space thing? I have no idea what is going through her head. Thanks Again for everybody's thoughts and comments.

[Zapbasket]

Sorry you're going through a tough time. It's always confusing and frightening when your partner asks for space for whatever reason--the moreso when you're engaged and trying to plan a wedding.

 

It sounds like your fiance might have had some old feelings stirred up as she prepares to marry someone new. Perhaps she feels like she's betraying the memory of her husband. Perhaps she associates marriage with loss as a result of her husband's accident and is scared that somehow marrying you will cause her to lose you.

 

In any event, the best thing you can do is give her the space she asks for for the next little while. For now I'd suggest you do return her texts and phone calls, just don't initiate anything or attempt any serious conversations about your relationship, what she's feeling, etc. Just be easy-going. If this period goes on and on for weeks, maybe THEN it's time to go to a Plan B for for now I think this is the best tactic.

 

Sometimes I've needed time away from my relationships, nothing major, but I think it's true that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." As I write I'm in the midst of enjoying time alone in my home city; my partner left here on Friday after we spent the holidays together with my family and I was supposed to go back with him, but I decided to extend my trip so I could have some time on my own. Yes, I'm reflecting on our relationship while I'm here, but it's not with thoughts of breaking up with him. Rather, I'm using this space to think about the direction my life is taking right now, where I want it to go and how my partner fits into that and how it seems I'm fitting in with what he says he wants. I'm imagining that my partner is doing the same. My expectation is that when I return to him on Friday, I'll feel renewed and clearer-headed about our relationship, as will he. We live together also so I think in such situations having pockets of time away from each other here and there is important. It's important because it gives each partner time to CHOOSE the other person and their life together all over again.

 

Of course, the risk in "space" situations is that they'll choose NOT to be with you...but that's a possibility whether or not someone takes time on their own in a relationship. One things is for sure, though: that the more license and trust you grant your partner, the more likely it is that they will want to stay with you...because they could never accuse you of intruding on their freedom which is everyone's right.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted on what happens.

[1waiting]

Wow there really are some great replies here. Greencove you really put me at ease. Well we sat down and talked last night and it was really a great talk. She said what I was kind of thinking. She said she is relating marriage with death. She is nervous because my job is dangerous and she could not go on if she had to bury another husband. She is a very decisive person and can make up her mind quickly due to the pressure of her job. She told me that she can not even decide what shoes to wear anymore. The meeting was positive and we both remained calm and I told her that I will be going to therapy with her on Saturday. After I left last night the texts starting coming in saying things like "I'm so sorry that you picked an unstable girl but I really did not know". Well I will keep it friendly and simple as suggested and wait for two weeks. If things do not turn then I will go NC. Thanks Again and I will keep it posted on how its going.

[1waiting]

Well she called me yesterday and asked me out to dinner. I accepted and we went to a new place and had a great time. We then went to the condo and things happened and I ended up staying over. To be honest it was one of the best nights we had in while. Well we went to the therapist today. She decided that she needs her space and the therapist said that would be a good thing. The therapist agreed with me for the most part but said time will be best for her to get her head and thoughts straight. I took the engagement ring back and she really just had a break down when I did that. Well after the meeting we went to the dinner because we were both hungry and she was trying to talk to me but I was not into it. We then went to her place/our condo and I grabbed the paperwork for the ring. I agreed to hold it for awhile and not do anything drastic like sell it. We then fell asleep on the couch for about an hour and then I left. Well I have gotten three text messages in the last two hours and did respond one time. I guess I'm going no contact for here on out. I actually feel pretty good today and it kind of helps to write on here. During the week it was very hard and I felt terrible. Jesus she is trying to call me now as I'm writing this. Well she just left me a voice mail sobbing saying I'm probably not supposed to call you but I wanted to let you know that I love you and miss you but I just need time and if I needed anything to just call her. Again any thoughts or comments please feel free to let me know.

[Adri Ana]

There are moments sometimes which happen in couples sometimes when one of them just needs some space sometimes

Not always,not all ,not everyone,but sometimes its taking place.

So you did really good that did not break up withher ,but gave what she asked ..

Now you are happy and so she is ,

am wishing you both happiness in further life:) !