Dont wanna make the same mistake

[Guest]

The only time I've lived with someone in a romantic way was when I got married. We stayed married a year and a half, and I left him basically bc he ended up being a completely different person once we signed the papers and lived together. We NEVER lived together not even a week before the ceremony. There were things about being married that I miss...having someone come home, to do things for, and just to talk to. I'm seeing a guy, he's 15 years older than me...but I like it bc he's kinda got women figured out for the most part. He's responsible, incredibly affectionate and worships the ground I walk on. He is truly the greatest man I've ever met and I'm in love with him....he is in love with me too. We are completely sync'ed up in every aspect...family, children, religion, money, all the important things. We've talked about getting married to each other, and its something we both want to do. But we wanna live together first to make sure we can co-habitate. (He was married before when he was about my age for 3 years, no children) We are both scared, but have agreed to not let our frear get in the way of our relationship. He's given me a key and asked me to move in. I want to. I've moved some of my things over, and will hopefully get things together by the end of the week. We've even talked about getting a joint checking account. I think we're gonna try living together for 3 months to make sure we still get along so well, and then probably get married. I'm just terrified. I love being there, I love having a place and all those things, I'm just afraid that we'll drive each other crazy. He has his certain ways of doing things, and I like the fact that he is that way, and when I start thinking he's silly, I realize that's just how he is, and I love him for that. He's exactly what I need. Can anyone give me any tips on living together? I'm lost, I have no idea what to do. It sounds silly, but I have forgotten how to be a wife. Is there anything I should keep in mind or be aware of in terms of me moving in with him? I need tips and encouragment. I love him, adore him, he's incredible. LOL Doesn't help that my parents are less than enthusiastic about me dating a man 15 years older than me, and when I move out of their house totally to be with him, they'll freak. I guess I'm worried about that too, but I have learned that life is too short, and I'm not living my life for them, they have theirs to live and I have mine. <sigh>

[Tony T]

Move in with him as soon as possible. Don't put a time limit on living together, that sets a period in which one or both of you can be on your best behavior. You want both of you to be yourselves, totally, in order to see if this will work. Just live together until both of you feel really good about it.

 

As I've gotten older, I've seen just how important living together can be. There's a whole lot you can learn by doing that. Some people's religious beliefs conflict with the practice but I can't imagine people being cast into hell for living together.

 

As far as what to do, just communicate. Learn how each other likes to do things...times to eat, times to watch TV, sleep, etc. The very best thing you can do is have no demands or expectations of the situation and go with the flow.

 

Right now, you are way too uptight for your living together experience to be meaningful. When you calm down, relax and just know that through talking and doing you can work each thing out one item at a time, you'll be fine.

 

Yours isn't the first time male and female have cohabitated.

 

As far as the age difference, your biggest concern should be that when he's 100, you'll be 85 and he'll be looking for some 30 year old chick to take up with. Otherwise, the age difference is totally insignificant and none of your parents' business.

[Debster]

Normally I agree with all of Tony's advice, except for this time. Sorry Tony, but I don't think they should move in together as soon as possible as I think there are some issues that need exploring.

 

You mentioned that you are currently living at your parent's home? Have you ever lived by yourself? I just want to make sure you didn't jump from your parent's house to your ex husbands, back to your parents and now with this new guy.

 

How long have you two been together?

 

You mentioned a 15 year age gap but didn't mention the ages. After a certain age, I don't think a large age gap matters, but I think if you're in your twenties or early thirties, it might be a big problem down the road - especially if you are thinking of having kids.

 

Plus some of the words you use have me a little concerned, but that could just be a cultural thing. But generally I wouldn't refer to the man I'm thinking of living with as 'seeing someone'. To me, seeing someone is pretty casual and at the beginning of a relationship. Plus you saying 'there were things about being married that I miss' and the things you mention should be things that you are already doing with your significant other. I don't currently live with my boyfriend, but we do all those things you mention (mind you not the 'come home to' thing). As for 'I have forgotten how to be a wife' - what is that? He should want you just the way you are and you should stay just the way you are. Don't go changing.

 

As for the joint checking account, I'd wait until he passes the test of time and you decide to get married.

[velvet]

Every individual is individual and I cant say that if you do move in with him all his little things will or will not erk you. Like the way he laughs when your watching a TV program or the way he chews his food. After time, lets say years down the road everything could end up driving you up the wall and you could be asking yourself why your there.

 

So be completely sure about what your getting yourself into before getting married and allowing your money to be his and his yours.

 

Living together is basically the test to find out if your compatible enough to marry, have a family and etc.

 

There really is no secret or step by step book on how to live with somebody. In this day and age their might be a book but it's all common sense.

 

First thing that should have been done is sleep over. Sleep over nightly. Don't go home to your parents house except for the basic needs like clothing. Start eating, living and breathing as much as possible at his house. In two months if you find that you haven't been home to sleep in your bed and your just wasting gas on the drive to your parents home you know its time to move in.

 

Don't even tell your b/f when you do. You have a key. One day while he is away go home throw your cloths in a suit case and than go back to his place and make your closet space. At that time the only difference is your saving gas money! I did that!

 

Your not supposed to break a into a sweat when performing the daily functions of a "wife". It's supposed to come natural. Thats because you enjoy doing things for him and it comes from the kindness of your heart. Living together is allot like running a business. Except this work is love. Its becoming one person. He does for you as you do for him.

 

One thing I feel strongly about is to never go to bed angry. Every couple will have their disagreements. Its best to keep them out of the bedroom. Everything unpleasant, stressful, work related etc should stay out of the bedroom. Its a sacred room. Don't put office desk in it. Don't discuss bills while in it. Don't go to bed angry. Mention it and have him agree to it.