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Need guidance with my situation....


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I do apologize right now, this is going to be a long post. Here goes: about 3 months ago my husband and I got into a big fight. My husband had mentioned that he felt like he was becomming depressed and that he was not sure of what was wrong. He just turned 40 in March. I will take my blame and say I crossed boundaries as to the fact that I told him he needed to get help and telling him why I thought he did. Just to fill you in I had noticed that he was starting to become distant and I asked him (jumped him) about it.I do want to emphasize that I jumped him instead of asking him what was wrong. The very next day he became this person I did not know. He was not affectionate anymore, he looked at me like there was contempt in his eyes. We did not speak to eachother for a few days and I thought it would be a typical fight we would have and everything would go back to being the same. ( We did not fight all the time but when we did they would be doozies)Things did not. They have gotten a little worse and then a little better back to a little worse.. I found an email that was adressed to another man and in it it stated that they were suppose to meet. It did say that there were no strings attached, just to meet and talk. Now to be honest he did tell me he was with a man before we got married but assured me that he was not going to feel like that again. This is the part that is starting to worry me. He has been very distant and unaffectionate as to touching me just to touch me. When we go out to the store ect, I have caught him looking at younger men and it is just younger men. When I ask him what he is thinking he tells me nothing or he says he is looking at something out the window. We hardly talk in the car when we go to the store or anywhere. I do have to say that I have asked him if he loves me or if he is IN love with me. He told me both. I will say I have been insecure as to why he is no longer affectionate toward me so I tell him everyday sometimes 2-3 times a day that I love him and hug him. He will tell me that he loves me and give me a kiss when I go to work and tell me to have a good night and he will give me a kiss when he goes somewhere, but he is not the way he used to be. I have tried to show him that I love him and he keeps pushing me away. I sent him a cute ten reasons why I love him on email and the response I got back was Thanks. I told him that to be honest I was a little hurt as to his reply from my email and he looked at me and said okay....and. I have been told that he sounds as if he is going through mid life. I sense that he still loves me because of the things he does. However when I tried to tell him what I was feeling he said that he found it offensive that I was questioning his love for me. He said yes things are not the same and he is giving what he can, he has a lot on his plate with health issues (which he does). One day he is his old normal self (minus the affection, but is joking around and teasing) and the next he is this distant person. I have looked up everything I can to help me figure this out and I have had no luck with this. I sense that he loves me but at the same time I sense he does not. I do not know if this means anything but I will throw it in the mix. I catch him every once in a while looking at me and when he realizes that I have seen him he will look away real quick, and when he talks to me he keeps his eyes on me and smiles and that sort of thing. I can tell he goes into a distant state and when i ask him whats wrong he reponds that its something he needs to figure out. He has stated on a couple of occassions he is not sure where this will end up and I tell him I am in this for the long haul, he will tell me things like you say that now or he will tell me he does not expect me to stay around and wait for him. He says it is not fair to me and he would understand if I went an opposite direction, it would not be easy for him but for the kids sake he hopes we can be friends. We have 3 children together and have been married for 12 years. I want what we had but I don't know how to get there. I really would appreciate any insight you can give me.

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(quick note - paragraphs are a HUGE help in reading longer notes...)

 

 

 

Well, I think you know this already, but sure sounds like your husband is gay/bisexual/questioning.

 

He's probably having a mighty tough time with that - from your brief description, it sounds like he gave it the 'old college try' and for whatever reason turned towards women (or at least you). Pretty common - it's a huge thing to decide/declare that you're gay, and lots of men who are 'on the fence' suppress that preference, and go and start families, etc.

 

It's also not a huge surprise that at ~40, he's struggling a bit. We all go through a period of self-evaluation at that time of life, and it's pretty common for men and women both to decide that they're done living with something they're not really satisfied with. They leave their marriages, sometimes for younger men/women, sometimes for a homosexual relationship, etc. He's probably been struggling with some aspect of this for many years, and it's just really coming to the surface now.

 

The fight isn't a cause, it's just a symptom of what's going on with him. The fight probably did polarize things a bit, and give him something to 'push back against', and in that sense moved things along a bit.

 

All the "you say that now; not fair to you; let's be friends" seems like an attempt to break up with you, or at least to get your permission to leave or explore.

 

Your options are pretty simple - keep hanging on, and hope he's going through a phase which will pass, and he'll 'settle back in' to a quiet married life (counseling might help?); come to an agreement with him about how the two of you are going to handle his turn to homosexuality in your marriage (some kind of polyamorous agreement? Increasingly common, but complex at best); or let him go (super hard on everyone).

 

None of that would be simple and straightforward even if you are socially very liberal, and live in an open-minded place like San Francisco, Seattle or Boston. If you're socially conservative, or live in a conservative location, it's going to be really really hard.

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Thanks for responding. I do have to say I have my doubts and I have been sitting back and watching and feel that he is going through some kind of emotional, physical, and mental thing right now. Like I said before he has some major health issues going on right now. It seems like when he gets one step forward he is thrown two steps back. Not making any kind of excuses for him. I can say that he is in pain. He is pretty much laid up except for when he pushes himself and makes his situation worse, but he does go places with me, does not show that I am his like he used to, but is seen with me in public.

 

Here in the past week he has started coming out of his depression "funk". When I say this I can honestly say he is acting more himself-minus the affection- but joking around and cutting up. Although he did do something he hadnt done in months which felt really good. He showed a sign of affection, not much but it is a start. I am not complaining in any way.

 

After I read your response I decided that I would calmly go to where he was at and ask him if there was a possibility that he was going through an identity crisis. He looked me square in the face and said no...I could tell he wasnt lying or trying to be sneaky he was his real self. I also told him that he would be amazed at what I could or could not handle, he could come to me with whatever it was, and left it there.

 

I can say that this is the first time I have ever reached out to a group of people. So I think my next question is if he is not showing any other signs of being "on the fence" other than looking at other younger men than how do I find out what is going on with him?? I have tried every thing I can think of. Is it possible that he is really going through MLC and his pain tolerance is not helping in the affection department? (but he shows affection to the children- just not me) however he brings me supper to work.

 

I am on a roller coaster and I think I am starting to get sick. I am getting to the point I want off the ride. Is it possible to let a person go and still live in the same house? I am looking at all options...cause I have tried everything to repair what I thought was broke...its his turn to reciprocate. Should I go down to what he is giving me in the affection department and see how he responds to that? How to tell if he is wanting the marriage to work and what to look for if he is not...I need alot of help and advice.

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Im sorry but I think he may be gay. I really don't have any insight to give to you but I can tell as a man we don't simply hook up with a guy out of curiosity. I really can not think of any friends I have ever had that do this. I have one friend who may have but we all think he's gay.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sooooo... look. There's roughly zero chance he'd answer you straight up with 'Yes, I'm struggling with my long-standing feelings of homosexuality, and considering leaving you for a slap-happy gay lifestyle', even if that's exactly what's going on.

 

Try to ease into it a bit. Longer non-focused discussions of who you are, what you're all about, how you've changed and grown over time, etc...

 

Finally, he's lived with you for a long time. He's not just going to 'go queer' one day, and never relate to you again... It seems like you're looking for some kind of sign he's crossed a line and never coming back home again. Not how it works.

 

That said, I don't think there's a whole lot of ambiguity in setting up 'no strings' meetings with unknown other dudes, and checking the butts of hot college dudes at the market...

 

If you're correct about those things, he's at least checking out his options. You have some stuff to work on with him.

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