mother-in-law woes

[jaz]

I moved to Canada 1.5 yrs ago, and married last December. My husbands mother lives on our land - I DID have misgivings about this arrangement and they have become all too real.

She still treats him as a child, but also depends on him for all of her needs - repairs, household tasks, some shopping etc (she is NOT in any way disabled or infirm).

I feel that my husband gives her first priority in everything - she gets her own way over things, including the control of the whole garden - growing veg etc so that she can givie it away to visiting other siblings (he has 4 sisters and one brother, all older than him). She is very bossy and domineering (passive aggressive) but can turn on the 'poor little old lady' act to suit her purpose.

Everytime I try to broach the subject with him he just calls me a selfish bitch, and to get over it.

Is he married to her or me??

Please help.

[Tony T]

I agree with your husband only because that's just the way it is...get over it. Nothing will change in this situation although it is VERY wrong for him to favor his mother.

 

In many religious marriage ceremonies, the clergy beckon the parties to leave their mother and their father and "cleave unto their spouse." What that means is when you get married, your loyalty must shift to your spouse if the marriage is to be successful.

 

You should have listened to yourself and stopped his mother from moving onto your property beforehand, if you had that option.

 

Some men never, ever cut the cord from mommy and your husband is one of them. Don't forget, he lived with her for nine months before coming into this world and for some years afterwards. She probably programmed him to be very loyal to her until the end.

 

You obviously aren't going to be able to talk to him because he cuts you off when you start to discuss this matter. If I was married to somebody who called me a bastard (in your case a bitch), I'd be filing for divorce the next day.

 

You only have two choices here. Listen to your husband and just cope with it or terminate the marriage while it is young and you are able. Depending on his mother's age, she could be around and take up your husband's heart and soul for many, many years.

 

A good counsellor may be able to give you some skills to better handle this arrangement if you want to stay with your husband.

 

I'm so sorry you didn't more clearly anticipate this prior to getting married.

[Ed]

Hi Jaz,

 

I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I don't think there is anything you can do to change his current relationship with his mother. In fact, I don't think you should even try.

 

How old is she anyway? Has her husband died or otherwise left? It may not make any difference, but I was just wondering.

 

Your best chance of diffusing this situation is to get on her good side. I don't mean put up with a bunch of crap from her, but get to know each other better and find out more about her and where she is coming from. Try to view this with a sense of humor instead of battle over loyalty. You can turn this into a better situation by working on her and your relationship with her.

 

About the only other alternative is to move out and move on. My guess is, if you try to pit yourself against his mother...you will loose. If you just really can't stand her, you can't stand the relationship they have and he won't talk to you in a civil way and try to reach some compromise with you...there is nothing left for you to do except wallow in your misery, laugh about it or leave.

[C]

I have a similar concern. I'm seeing a man who told me that "he has a very special relationship with his mother". This is after a divorce and 2 girlfriends he had. It just doesn't sound right for some reason. Is he still mommy's little boy? And if this relationship is so special, what would be his potential wife's place in this love triangle, probably #3.

[velvet]

Oh yeah! You can count on that. When I was engaged my boyfriends father moved in with us for about a year. We were in a two bedroom townhouse. It was pure heck!

 

If seen this sort of thing so many, many times. It always causes spousal spats. Half of them ending in divorce. I was a victim of it for a while, my mother was a victim to it for almost five years, couldnt handle it any longer and divorced her husband. I have a friend thats getting married this fall and her boyfriends mother comes over everyday and calls him 4 or 5 times everyday. So you see, there are many people out in this world that just cherish their parents to no end.

 

But love is love, and your husband should open his eyes, understand and respect how you feel about his mother being too involved in your lives. When he married you, it was because he loves you more than his mommy!

 

But nothing will change from here on out without some serious talking, and if he refuses to listen to you, you have no choice but to pack up and leave for awhile to let him think about what it means to listen to your partner.

[Bill]

I'd really like to teach this guy a lesson, but it's not my job to do so. I really hate hearing about how these jerks treat their "loved ones".

 

You need to make it clear to him that he needs to respect you more. He obviously gives more respect to his mother than you. Make it clear to him that he married you and not her. He can't stay like this, it's not good. It's quite sad to see a guy that would treat someone like this. I hope you set him in his place, I sure would like to.

 

Do not stand for him treating you this way!

 

Tag, You're it!

[midori]

What a tricky situation, every newlywed's nightmare (not just newlyweds for that matter). Ed gave some excellent advice above. It's too bad that your mother-in-law lacks the maturity/thoughtfulness/security to go out of her way to make YOU feel welcome in the family ... but it looks like you'll have to be the one making the effort.

 

If she is divorced or widowed (esp. recently) she's probably having to reconstruct herself, her very identity. If your husband was her youngest child, the last to make the final break from her by marrying, there's further adjustment for her to make. It's not at all unusual for women, particularly women from older generations, to define themselves through their relationships to others. It doesn't have to be a fight, does it?

 

What is she really after? Is it control of the vegetable garden? Or is it the sense that she has things to give that other people value, that she has a voice in the lives of her loved ones, that she is important to and loved by her children? There's nothing wrong with that, right? Perfectly understandable. So why not give it to her, make her feel valued and respected and loved. Invite her over for supper and ask her if she would't mind -- if she has the time, of course -- to make _____, your husband's favorite dish, which, it just so happens, you love too. Bolster her sense of belonging to her family, reassure her that you're not trying to push her out. In short, treat her the way you'd hope to one day be treated by your own children and their spouses.

 

All of this assumes that she's not just a nasty mean old crone bent on making you miserable. And what I'm advocating should not involve you allowing her unreasonable access to your home, unfettered influence or power. Just a warm and genuine welcome into your home and into your life. You may find that if she feels secure with her place in the family that she's more approachable and cooperative about things like the garden & how its produce is divided and used.

 

Regardless of how much you've complained or how difficult it is for him to negotiate between the two most important women in his life, your husband's slurs were way out of line. As you know, I'm sure. I think you ought to have a little chat with him, with two things in mind: one, to drive home the point that you are his wife and as such deserve more respect than he showed at that moment, and two, to involve him in your efforts and dialogue with his mother. He may be semi-conscious of things about his mother that he's never fully articulated or even really thought about, but if you ask him what you ought to be bearing in mind about his mom while you try to build a better relationship with her, those things might come to the surface and can be helpful for you both. I'd bet that if he thought you genuinely want to have a better relationship with his mother, rather than just getting her out of your way, he'd be happy to assist. It's in his best interest, after all, to have the two of you in harmony.

 

If it turns out that your mother-in-law really is a mean old bag who rejects all overtures of kindness and cooperation, well ... you'll have to decide what to do. I don't blame you for not wanting to live like that for long. And if your husband doesn't get with the program and get behind his wife, then perhaps you'll want to reassess your marriage. But hopefully it won't come to that.

 

Good luck!

[jaz]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice!

My husband and I had a further discussion on the subject of his mum - I printed out your replies to my question and let him read them - many points sure struck home!

Anyhow, we invited his mother in to discuss the garden issues, and my husband firmly stated that WE were deciding what and where to plant. His mother just said 'well, do what you want then, leave me out of it, I'm not interested', he replied that she was welcome to help out, but if she didn't, then, whatever.

It was the first time I'd ever seen him stand up to her conniving ways - I was SO proud of him.

No doubt the emotional blackmail will continue, and she will probably threaten to move out (but no-one else in the family will put up with her) - we've discussed this, and he said, again, if that's what she wants, then ok, but our marriage comes first now.

Thank you to everyone who replied, especially to the guys on the panel!!!

[Ed]

I am very glad to hear that things are going better. It sounds like you have steered this situation into a better direction.

 

Congratulations!

[jimthzz]

Early in our marriage my wife and I lived in my in-law's trailer court while attending college.

 

My father-in-law got into the habit of barging into our trailer (OK, he owned it, but come on!) to check on us if he didn't hear us inside. He'd be "concerned."

 

He also would stop by at, say, 6 a.m. on a Sunday to have coffee.

 

I figured since he was my wife's father she cold handle the intrusions. I mean, we were living there practically rent free, but they were invading our privacy.

 

More than once we were really going at it marital-style when they barged in the front door!

 

She could never confront her father over this intrusion. so finally I did.

 

I insisted to him that he not come barging in or to disturb us on a Sunday morning. we needed our privacy!

 

Boy did that go over like a lead balloon.

 

What finally worked was to call him after Midnight (this ex-farmewr was always up with the sun so bedded early) just to chat.

 

I started knocking on their front door about 1 a.m. to talk, borrow stuff, whatever.

 

Finally, he asked me to stop because he needed his sleep!

 

Bingo. That is when I pounced on it. I told him, his 1 a.m. was like my 6 a.m.

 

I finally saw the lightbulb light up over his head.

 

Sometimes talking doesn't work, they think of you as their kid, supposed to do what they say.