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Hello All! This is my first time posting here, I just found these forums today. I have been dealing with an issue with my husband and would like to know if I am being fair in this situation...

 

My inlaws are last minute planners, no doubt about it. And that frustrates me to NO end. Needless to say it seems as though my husband expects us to change or cancel our existing plans to accommodate them at the last minute. His reasoning is that they are his family and he loves them and we already know they are not the planning type. I feel that is enabling them. I cannot tell you how many times we have left a weekend open, or turned down other opportunities, because they *might* be doing something, only for them to back out. I understand that family is important, so I have found some ways that allow their flexibility and my desire to have plans set to be accommodated.

 

 

 

This upcoming weekend is our Alma Matters Homecoming. We have some friends that we haven't seen in a few months coming into town, and made plans to go to dinner and have them over to our place on Saturday night. We also had plans to go to the festivities on Friday night for just a bit as well.

 

 

My husband told me last week that his family would be having a birthday party for 3 of his younger siblings this coming Thursday.

Now they may be changing their minds about this birthday party and are considering having it Friday or Saturday, and my husband says that family should come first. Like I said earlier, I understand this sentiment, but I feel that we should let them know that we have plans, and will attend the "party" as well, but may be a little late, may have to leave a little early, etc. I do not see these events as being mutually exclusive. What IS upsetting is him indicating that we should cancel our plans according to whatever they nonchalantly decide.

 

 

To complicate the issue further, his parents can be very manipulative. A year or two ago his parents decided to have a "party" for one of the children very last minute, like they decided at 5 pm to have a party that evening. These kids are school aged(pre-k-middle school) and are not allowed to have playmates over, so a birthday party consists of family cutting cake and singing happy birthday, taking a few pics, etc. I was in undergrad at the time and DH (then bf) was at work that night. They called to see if I could drive across town to attend at about 8 pm that night. I told them that I was studying for a major exam the next morning and that I would not be able to make it. I then got repeated calls from DH's father, his sister, his mother asking me to come over. At the direction of his father, his mother called me like 3 times. I repeatedly told them no. Finally his father called and told me that the kids were waiting on me to cut the cake and he would not allow them to cut it until I got there, by this point it was 10:30 pm on a school night. I have never been so angry, and called DH at work and asked him to deal with it. He did, and his Mom tried to act like she didn't remember calling me...argh.

 

 

I guess I would like some advice on dealing with these types of situations if you have any to offer. I desire to be accomodating, but not a pushover. I understand his family is not really good at making plans and sticking to them and I try to stay ahead of the game...thanks for reading my rambles and vents if you made it through...lol

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Just politely decline - once. Then put your phone on voicemail.

 

Agree to see the siblings some other time.

 

I come from a family of 11 kids with numerous small kids of these 11 kids. Impossible to go to every event.

 

A FIL insisting on delaying the cake cutting for a small kid until you arrive? Seriously?

 

I have the impression that possibly a different story was told to them by your husband than the one you were telling them.

 

Then again, they could be plain nuts.

 

In any event, use your voicemail A LOT.

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I understand your frustration, and guessing it is double-edged -- at them, for lacking consideration and at yourself, for lacking assertiveness(?)

 

There are no quick fixes when there isn't a single healthy boundary in sight, and a whole bunch of 'adults' involved.

Perhaps "Boundaries: "Where You End And I Begin" by Anne Katherine will be helpful for you. And/or "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day", also by her.

 

If it works for you, perhaps you can negotiate a bulk discount and purchase Christmas copies for everyone else involved (including those poor kids who aren't learning anything positive about personal boundaries, in this household.)

 

Best of luck -- since you can't change any of their habits, it really is about developing stronger "resistance skills" (aka assertiveness) so that you can properly stand up for your own needs, desires, routines and schedules.

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I have indeed learned that voice mail is my friend! I am not really a timid person...at all, but nobody speaks out against his family...especially not his father, who is like the King of his family. He is a Doctor and just decided that he will not allow the youngest children to wear deodorant because of aluminum. Ok...that is fine, but please provide them some sort of alternative, the two oldest girls are building a reputation for themselves as the stinky girls in school because of his ignorance.

 

In the cake cutting situation, my husband had no contact with his family until after the incident, they contacted me directly and when my husband got wind of it he was really pissed at them.

 

I guess to narrow the focus, regarding this weekend, the issue is not only with my IL's but also with my husband who thinks that plans with friends that we have not seen in quite some time should be dropped or rearranged because of his family's indecisiveness. It is currently Wed. and they STILL don't have a plan in place for this weekend or whenever...I don't think it's fair to rearrange around them. I have stood my ground on this one saying that we can do both, but our prior commitment needs to be the priority...am I being selfish, uncompromising, etc. here?

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I understand your frustration, and guessing it is double-edged -- at them, for lacking consideration and at yourself, for lacking assertiveness(?)

 

There are no quick fixes when there isn't a single healthy boundary in sight, and a whole bunch of 'adults' involved.

Perhaps "Boundaries: "Where You End And I Begin" by Anne Katherine will be helpful for you. And/or "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day", also by her.

 

If it works for you, perhaps you can negotiate a bulk discount and purchase Christmas copies for everyone else involved (including those poor kids who aren't learning anything positive about personal boundaries, in this household.)

 

Best of luck -- since you can't change any of their habits, it really is about developing stronger "resistance skills" (aka assertiveness) so that you can properly stand up for your own needs, desires, routines and schedules.

 

Thank you for the book suggestion, I have heard about that book and it is definitely high time to get down to reading it.

 

I guess the problem is, in this specific situation, who do I assert myself to? My husband? I've already done that by telling him that I will not be canceling the plans that we have made, and that we will still attend the birthday parties, just would be late, leave early, etc....

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Regarding this weekend, in that position, I would tell my husband that I am going to see my friends but he is, of course, free to do something (anything) else. I would end with, "Hon, what I'm gonna be doing this weekend isn't negotiable." And I would not engage in any further discussion about it.

 

Regarding your "stinky nieces" (sisters-in-law?), possibly you can whisper to them to try baking soda as an alternative. That is tooo sad that your in-law family has given that old coot, er, I mean, that 'highly respectable doctor, king-of-a-man' :mad: so much power and control over other family members.

 

NO!!! You are not at all acting in a "selfish" or "uncompromising" manner...it is your FiL that has influenced your husband to act like that. IMO.

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Regarding this weekend, in that position, I would tell my husband that I am going to see my friends but he is, of course, free to do something (anything) else. I would end with, "Hon, what I'm gonna be doing this weekend isn't negotiable." And I would not engage in any further discussion about it.

 

Regarding your "stinky nieces" (sisters-in-law?), possibly you can whisper to them to try baking soda as an alternative. That is tooo sad that your in-law family has given that old coot, er, I mean, that 'highly respectable doctor, king-of-a-man' :mad: so much power and control over other family members.

 

NO!!! You are not at all acting in a "selfish" or "uncompromising" manner...it is your FiL that has influenced your husband to act like that. IMO.

 

They are my Sister-in-Laws. He is so controlling there would be absolutely no way for them to get a hold of baking soda. I even thought of bringing them little things of baby powder, but if he found it he would be pissed.

 

IL's have an incedibly awkward, and I think horrible situation. DH is the youngest of 8 children. After he was born his mother was no longer able to have children, but his Dad still wanted more. So he got MIL's permission to have another child with another woman. He had another. Then he met another woman and had 5 children with her. I don't think 5 was part of this terrible agreement. MIL & FIL still are married and live together, but the mother of the 5 children, and the 5 youngest children live with them as well. He barks at MIL & "mistress" and they obey. What he says regarding the kids goes...no questions asked...so sad.

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I even thought of bringing them little things of baby powder, but if he found it he would be pissed.

 

So what if he DOES get pissed? I'd *bleeping* start throwing those things of powder at his 'nads (maybe you better buy some more of them...and hunking big canisters if you can find 'em :laugh:.)

But at least the girls will know that there is one adult who is willing to go bat for them.

 

Yep, it's a horrible situation for the rest of them. But "awkward" is an understatement...the family dynamic is totally dysfunctional.

 

Hopefully you can persuade your husband to learn how to set and patrol his own boundaries, too. Otherwise his and your happiness, and the healthy needs of your own marital relationship is likely to always take a backseat to the whims and wishes of that Patriarchal Bully. What a piece of work he is!!! :sick: :sick:

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Yeah, what could he do..yell at me? It's just that I do not feel comfortable ruffling feathers in my husband's family. If someone outright does something to me...I will respond, but I feel that it is my husbands place to go out on a limb. Actually his phrase is, "they are my Dad's children and he decides how to raise them", which is understandable, but at the same time, there are some ridiculous things going on in that household that someone should stand up for.

 

I am just so bothered that my husband took this one situation and now has the mindset that I am and will always put friends before family. The thing is, most of our friends are young marrieds as well, so we are content to see each other just a few times a year. Other girlfriends I meet occasionally for lunch.

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I am just so bothered that my husband took this one situation and now has the mindset that I am and will always put friends before family.

 

Yeah. I guess all you can do is tell him that you are putting YOU first, not friends or family -- that YOU enjoy the company of these people who have uplifted, supported and encouraged you in the past; that YOU want to do the same for them, from time to time; that YOU get something out of hanging with them and therefore are willing to make certain sacrifices to get together with them when it's possible to do so.

 

Not that he is gonna understand any of that. But it is all that you can do...let him know YOUR truth and not be over-invested in whether or not he "gets" it. (Easier said than done, I know. It's just that you need to also be caring for and protecting your own mindset so that you stay positive and optimistic as possible.)

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Can I put you in my pocket and carry you around with me...? Lol!

As long as you promise to feed me from time to time :).

 

 

Thing is, your husband and his siblings (and mom) don't appear to have been allowed to have their own needs, so the concept will be foreign to him -- not only that you have them, but that you are willing to take the steps (read: that you'd be crazy/stupid enough to defy his father) in order to meet them.

 

In his mind, his needs, wants and goals are to ensure that his father's needs are met. And you ought to feel the same way. His programming is that anything else is "against the family". It is inaccurate and misguided, as you well know. But that's what you're dealing with. Your husband's totally wrong, learned beliefs about his dad, himself, and life in general.

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Why did you leave out the hugely pertinent factoid that the FIL has himself a harem and tries to control every aspect of the extended family?

 

The issue is not about the short-term nature of their planning. It is planned, the planning is whatever is his whim. Your input is not wanted in the "planning" process.

 

Again, use voicemail screening.

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Grrrr. I think we must be related somehow because my IL's are just like this. And my H has pretty much the same attitude about it as yours. I dont know how long you have been married, for me it has been three years and I can tell you what I have done. When I hear something may be in the works, I call them. I have to call them because they always call my husband (on his cell no less) even though he has absolutely no idea where he is supposed to be on any given day. So, I call like Im interested, and what can I bring,etc. During the call I explain what days and times HE is available. This usually results in a time slot I can at least work with. In fact, surprise surprise - they sometimes accomodate our schedule, which I always just assumed they wouldnt.

 

Another thing I have had to do: I dont go to every single family event. This caused some conflict initially - with both the IL's and my H , with me being the bad guy. I started slowly, until every once in awhile when I didnt go it was no longer a problem. Turns out H did not enjoy the gatherings as much without me. So..he started not going unless I did. Turns out : He realized the world did not end if we were not on hand for every little impromptu get together. Better yet - they seem to realize it too.

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