I love my husband who drives me nuts

[moonmosaic]

Here is my story. I got married to this wonderful guy after dating him for only 4 months - call it brazen - because he was absolutely everything I loved in a man; he was attentive, affectionate, passionate and unselfishly loving.

I totally overlooked his weaknesses, the odd restrictive criticism of others, his controlling attitude and angry outbursts because they were not directed at me and they were rare. At the time I was living with one of my best friends and my husband and I didn't move in together until 2 months passed the wedding. However things started to go wrong when his son from his previous marriage came over to stay with us for 8 weeks during summer break just about a month after moving in together. His temper started to shorten, his angry outbursts became frequent and he lost interest in everybody around himself. It was almost like he resented the fact that his son was here, he hated that I wasn't working (I am a student but didn't not go to school during the summer).There were times when I thought I must have been mad marrying this stranger whose weaknesses now started to become more and more predominant and frequent.

Of course I still love my husband - for what he was and sometimes can be - but I don't understand why he is so full of anger and resentment and what caused the change. His negative attitude drives me nuts. I wonder if anyone has been in a similar relationship or situation. I can give details but i didn't want to be too long with my first post.

[manugeorge]

There was no change, you married exactly who he is- a loving, affectionate, attentive, controlling, full anger and resentment man. Like any human being, these are the traits that constitute his complex make-up. You just weren't patient enough to discover all or at least most of the different sides of him before you got married. Now these sides are being manifested.

 

First 4 months of a relationship is the honeymoon period where both parties put their best foot forward. Besides, even if both parties show certain unflattering traits during this time, you are usually too wrapped up in the newness of things to pay attention. Which is why people advocate long term dating before commitment.

 

And just because his angry outbursts and criticisms weren't directed at you when you first started dating, it still wasn't something you should have overlooked. It is important to take note of how our mates treat other people, not just how they treat us.

 

But no use crying over split milk, is there now? you are already married. The next step, I think, is to start evaluating if this man you barely knew is actually the kind of person you want to spend your life with. Are the character traits he posesses ones that you can live with? Combining all his positives and negative traits, is the kind of man you want?

 

You have to be able to love him for who he is, not what he was or what he could be. Get to know your husband and what makes him who he is and what makes him tick and decide from there if he is who you want.

[JackJack]

Have you ever asked him WHY he acts the way he does? Do you think maybe he is not aware how he comes across.? Its possible that he is aware to though. I will tell you this, until he acknowledges it and does something about it, it wont get better on its own.

[moonmosaic]

Yes, I agree that I should have seen the criticism and anger outbursts as part of his personality. I was blinded with all the great things he was giving me. I don't think he is happy with his weaknesses - he doesn't admit to having any, of course - and I want to help him overcome that. I did ask him why he behaves the way he does, i.e. why he has to snap and be rude if someone has a different opinion of something, but he doesn't know. I think he is bothered by it deep down and he feels bad about his actions. That's probably why he hid it from me early in the relationship but now he is more relaxed about it. I don't know. What makes a man a mean, angry, short temper person? Is it low self esteem or insecurity?

[JackJack]

Only HE knows for sure why he feels the way he does. It could be something from his past or anything. It is something that HE needs to deal with though, because if not, it wont get better. YOU can NOT fix him, HE has to fix himself.

[carhill]

OP, how old are you and H?

 

How long since his D or end of R which child is from?

 

Why did you have to wait to move in with your H?

 

Your answers will help but I'm pretty sure you'll want professional help with the communication part. MC helped me a lot to communicate contemporaneously, instead of internalizing and letting resentment/frustration build up. Your H may be one of those men wired up differently emotionally, like I am, and doesn't know how to handle it. He may have psych issues from his past life. He may just have a "difficult" personality, even with those loving parts. Hard to know. I know I'm a lot like that. Very complex. Drives my wife nuts Seriously, reality is the current situation is toxic to your M. Time for a serious talk about that...

[Ronni_W]

Moon,

I used to be your husband. Angry outbursts and built-up resentment/rage are generally the result of family-of-origin dynamics and unresolved childhood experiences...on top of a lack of effective anger release/management tools and positive communication skills...on top of what have become irrational/inaccurate core beliefs in adulthood.

 

It is about how your husband perceived himself and the world around him during his formative years...his siblings may have arrived and a totally different view and thus aren't necessarily also displaying the behaviours that your husband is.

 

The most effective and efficient way to start clearing and healing the old junk is cognitive talk therapy. The difficulty is that it is hellishly difficult to get an angry/resentful person to see how their old coping strategies have become self-defeating and are negatively impacting the people they love.

 

You may want to look at the 'emotional needs' and 'love busters' questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com -- when there is lots of love and relaxation going on in your household, suggest that you two complete the surveys together...with the intention and goal of strengthening your happy and loving marriage so that you can each be the best spouse possible for the other. (This may or may not help him to start seeing where things are off-track in his own ways of thinking and doing things. The hope would be for the seeds of self-awareness to be planted.)

 

Books that may help you learn how to stay assertive as well as how to possibly guide him to better behaviour:

'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner. 'Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin' by Anne Katherine.

 

If his mindset isn't ready, though, he will either just become angry or he will (internally) ignore what you tell him are the issues as you see them. It is very difficult to get through to people who are suffering in this way, is what I mean. And it is also very difficult living with them -- I know, cos I know the people who had to live with me .

 

Sending hugs and good stuff for your future.

[carhill]

Adding to Ronni_W's excellent post, part of my issues stemmed from being an only child and having a father who internalized stresses. He never got angry, never used profanity, never raised a hand. I didn't learn proper coping and communication skills. Add that to a complex and sensitive psycho/nervous system and you have a recipe for some pretty interesting shyte

 

At our last MC session, my wife was trying to convince the psych that I was bi-polar and he wasn't having any of it. I've been analyzing that facet for a long time and it was good to hear a professional's input on the specifics. Clinical dx is very different than what we armchair psych hobbyists practice I know that from getting my mom's dementia dx'd.

 

IMO, the important distinction which helped me was the separation of personality/perspective and behavior. The former are intrinsic and largely unchangeable, but the latter (behavior) can be changed. Communication style is one of those. Sounds to me like this drives a lot of your issues. As our psych says, "carhill will forever be offering his opinion; he cares about things. It's up to you as to how you perceive it; is it a sharing of his knowledge, his experience, his perspective, or is it criticism of you? Is it personal?" My work has been to change how I offer the opinion, not the content of it. This is what I didn't get as a child.

 

Hope that helps!

[Ronni_W]

Speaking only for myself, I definitely had to change a lot of my perspectives (misguided thoughts & wrong beliefs) as well. Cognitive therapy does seek to help clients do that and, if the client's desire is there, it can be done.

 

I totally see how it would also have seemingly "worked", if I'd just changed my behaviour but kept all my (inaccurate, misguided, incomplete) crap firmly planted in my head...but there's another part of my brain that is saying the only real accomplishment would have been my (superficial) 'transformation' from an angry/resentful person to a controlling/manipulative person, albeit with excellent communication and anger management skills .

 

Not sure how OP (or anyone else) will be able to detect genuine changes from superficial ones, though...and even less sure as to whether all changes need to be genuine in order for there to be sufficient external improvement to keep the other partner happy in the long-term. Don't have experience with that.

[moonmosaic]

Moon,

I used to be your husband. Angry outbursts and built-up resentment/rage are generally the result of family-of-origin dynamics and unresolved childhood experiences...on top of a lack of effective anger release/management tools and positive communication skills...on top of what have become irrational/inaccurate core beliefs in adulthood.

 

It is about how your husband perceived himself and the world around him during his formative years...his siblings may have arrived and a totally different view and thus aren't necessarily also displaying the behaviours that your husband is.

 

The most effective and efficient way to start clearing and healing the old junk is cognitive talk therapy. The difficulty is that it is hellishly difficult to get an angry/resentful person to see how their old coping strategies have become self-defeating and are negatively impacting the people they love.

 

You may want to look at the 'emotional needs' and 'love busters' questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com -- when there is lots of love and relaxation going on in your household, suggest that you two complete the surveys together...with the intention and goal of strengthening your happy and loving marriage so that you can each be the best spouse possible for the other. (This may or may not help him to start seeing where things are off-track in his own ways of thinking and doing things. The hope would be for the seeds of self-awareness to be planted.)

 

Books that may help you learn how to stay assertive as well as how to possibly guide him to better behaviour:

'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner. 'Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin' by Anne Katherine.

 

If his mindset isn't ready, though, he will either just become angry or he will (internally) ignore what you tell him are the issues as you see them. It is very difficult to get through to people who are suffering in this way, is what I mean. And it is also very difficult living with them -- I know, cos I know the people who had to live with me .

 

Sending hugs and good stuff for your future.

 

Thank you ever so much for the lovely reply.

 

I know that he was sexually abused by his brother to whom he hardly ever talks to now. I also know that his ex wife got pregnant without him knowing about it - she said she was on the pill the came off of it - so he did the right thing by marrying her even though he did not love her. Then he went bankrupt just before we got married - sadly his business failed and his home got repossessed. All this probably negatively affects emotional intelligence where he sometimes cannot manage his feelings the right way.

 

I thought about buying The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life by Les Carter; would that be any good?

[moonmosaic]

Speaking only for myself, I definitely had to change a lot of my perspectives (misguided thoughts & wrong beliefs) as well. Cognitive therapy does seek to help clients do that and, if the client's desire is there, it can be done.

 

I totally see how it would also have seemingly "worked", if I'd just changed my behaviour but kept all my (inaccurate, misguided, incomplete) crap firmly planted in my head...but there's another part of my brain that is saying the only real accomplishment would have been my (superficial) 'transformation' from an angry/resentful person to a controlling/manipulative person, albeit with excellent communication and anger management skills .

 

Not sure how OP (or anyone else) will be able to detect genuine changes from superficial ones, though...and even less sure as to whether all changes need to be genuine in order for there to be sufficient external improvement to keep the other partner happy in the long-term. Don't have experience with that.

 

Yes, this is exactly what I am trying to get him to understand. Turning his negative emotions around. His critisism can be so unfounded it's almost funny. For example when I was living with my friend my husband critisised her for not cleaning the house or buying cleaning supplies. I told him it was not important, I did the cleaning because I had more free time and she babysat for me sometimes. It was not about doing 50/50 it was about sharing. Now that we are living together he doesn't do any cleaning either. He says that this is marriage and that was a different situation. I would love him to raise above his restrictive critical thinking where only his actions are justifiable. Should I get a therapist for him?

[moonmosaic]

OP, how old are you and H?

 

How long since his D or end of R which child is from?

 

Why did you have to wait to move in with your H?

 

My husband is 43. He has been divorced for 6 years. I don't know if it means anything. The reason for not moving in together immediately after the wedding is because it took a while for us to find a place, plus my friend had to find a place for herself too. My husband also had a small 1 bedroom mobile home that we wanted to rent out so that we would not be paying two rents. We were spending every night together anyway at my place so it was just a question of reorganizing living arrangements.

[Ronni_W]

I thought about buying The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life by Les Carter; would that be any good?

(sorry for the long post -- hopefully, though, you'll find something useful.)

 

I haven't read that one and don't know other works by the author. BUT...if you intuition is whispering (or shouting) to you about it, then chances are pretty good that it is the book that you need.

Just keep in mind though, that however much you educate yourself about anger, it won't help the person with the anger issues -- it'll just help you understand them better, and perhaps give you tools to be able to stand your own ground and deal with them more effectively.

 

As the person on the other side of the anger, so to speak, it may be in BOTH your best interests for you to focus on maintaining your own self-esteem & confidence, setting healthy boundaries, communicating assertively, etc. When you do that, it'll ensure that the relationship moves away from co-dependence to inter-dependence.

 

Your husband's adult experiences will have been informed by his childhood traumas, will be added to his emotional "baggage", and will not have helped him learn how to better cope with crises and manage his expression of emotions. But they are not the source of his rage.

 

I don't know. I wouldn't suggest that you try to get into the role of his therapist ("to HELP him understand", to bring clarity to his own negative beliefs and thought patterns, etc.)

That is NOT your job even though, once you do learn more about anger, you will have the information to be able to point out to him where/how his anger started and what/how he ought to do, to work through it.

But for a spouse to do that...it likely will just add to his anger, low self-esteem, negative view of himself, poor relationship dynamics, etc. There is just too much that can go wrong between you, if you try to take that on.

 

Are you open to suggesting marital counseling on the basis that YOU feel inadequate in dealing with all the aspects of his personality, and you will appreciate (or you need) his help and you ALSO want a professional's help because you know you can't do it on your own and you want all the help you can get in order to be the happy and loving wife that you want to be and that he deserves?

 

If he asks for details, you can say that THAT is one of the reasons you also want counseling...you are just not sure of the details, and just feeling kind of lost and unable to access everything that's going on inside. And that you will really appreciate his assistance.

 

Of course, there is an element of manipulation in trying it this way. How I would reconcile that for myself is that I'm not doing it just to get what I want or to have everything my way. It is first about trying to get a survivor of sexual abuse the help that he needs and deserves, and second about creating a truly happy, loving and successful marriage.

---

I noticed that in your first post you said you don't understand why he is so angry...but you clearly did know his history. Was that just because you hadn't connected the one with the other, or is it possible that you have some denial stuff going on about it?

If the latter, then, when you are doing your reading and researching, it may also be a good idea to look for clues as to how you are or may "enable" him to stay stuck in his negative coping habits and work on changing your own role/position so that you will be supporting him to change his. (If that makes sense?)

 

The book 'Beginning to Heal: A first book for men and women who were sexually abused as children' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, may help with your own understanding. Again, it's not about forcing the book or your newfound insights onto him. You may or may not choose to to leave it on your nightstand or some other visible place...but that is about as much "forcing" as may be good for where he is, mentally and emotionally.

 

Here is a link about assertiveness: http://www.coping.org/relations/assert.htm

And handling anger: http://www.coping.org/anger/content.htm

And about enabling behaviour: http://www.coping.org/lowesteem/enable.htm#Feelings (you may first want to check the "typical statements" to see if/how that applies.)

 

Again, wishing you success...and especially, offering Positive Vibes for your husband to find healing and peace.

 

EDIT: No, you cannot "get a therapist for him". (Well, you can...but it would be you trying to control the situation instead of trying to facilitate his healing. Which he will do in his own time and way.) He needs to want that and do that for himself. You can only get a therapist for yourself, if you need help coping with your own life and relationships.

[moonmosaic]

"As the person on the other side of the anger, so to speak, it may be in BOTH your best interests for you to focus on maintaining your own self-esteem & confidence, setting healthy boundaries, communicating assertively, etc. When you do that, it'll ensure that the relationship moves away from co-dependence to inter-dependence. "

 

thank you again for the input. The problem is that not everyone is capable of communicating on different levels. I have read the page for assertiveness where it clearly states that we all have the right to an opinion that maybe different to others. My husband has a problem accepting that. LOL

 

"Are you open to suggesting marital counseling on the basis that YOU feel inadequate in dealing with all the aspects of his personality, and you will appreciate (or you need) his help and you ALSO want a professional's help because you know you can't do it on your own and you want all the help you can get in order to be the happy and loving wife that you want to be and that he deserves?"

 

I think it's always better to have 3rd party influence. I noticed that if I try to help he gets angry and it maybe because he feels insecure. On the other hand I get hurt when this happens because I love him and i want to be kissed not yelled at! I think he would be able to open up to a stranger easier, there would be no need to impress and seek respect. I don't know.

 

"I noticed that in your first post you said you don't understand why he is so angry...but you clearly did know his history. Was that just because you hadn't connected the one with the other, or is it possible that you have some denial stuff going on about it?

If the latter, then, when you are doing your reading and researching, it may also be a good idea to look for clues as to how you are or may "enable" him to stay stuck in his negative coping habits and work on changing your own role/position so that you will be supporting him to change his. (If that makes sense?)"

 

Yes, I am trying to find answers but my husband doesn't want to talk about his past or rather how it all affected him emotionally. We do have a good marriage overall but when there is a disagreement communication shifts to very different levels. It's like i am trying to compromise and reason without being defensive or critical whereas he shuts down, yells and disappears into his own world! LOL

[Ronni_W]

It's like i am trying to compromise and reason without being defensive or critical whereas he shuts down, yells and disappears into his own world!

Yup...that is exactly how things will be FOR HIM, until his own mind, heart and spirit is ready to tackle his past. If he tries to rush it, or feels as if he is being pressured into it, then that actually could be more damaging to his psyche.

 

But, FOR YOU, you can do your own thing to change some of the dynamics and patterns that are keeping in place how things are for him (if that makes sense?) A change that you facilitate in this one thing 'over here', can positively affect something 'over there'...from which you will both benefit.

 

Which is why I suggested that, for you, it is about developing and strengthening your own coping and communication skills, and perhaps also gaining a greater understanding of where he is and why he is there ~~ it'll just make it easier for your own self-confidence, esteem, etc. [because then]

When you do find yourself "in the line of fire", so to speak, you will know 100% that he is not lashing out at you but at his past. You just happen to be the unfortunate, easy and accessible "target".

 

BTW, after I suggested 'Beginning to Heal', I did another read-through. It is a very easy read, with short chapters (total 62 pages) of good info, followed by a few survivors' stories. For your own purposes, it may prove a good one.

 

Sending hugs and wishes for good outcomes.

[moonmosaic]

Thank you for all the input. I will get a few books together that I think may prove to be useful for both of us (him being a bearer of anger and me being the receiver of it) and go from there.

[Dusk]

My husband and I have been through some of the most difficult years of our marriage recently. He changed careers - had to leave on that he loved for one that he isn't fond of. We moved away from some great friends and have struggled financially. The combination of all these things has made for some anger buildup. I understand the frustration of living with someone who has a crappy attitude.

 

I have had to take a step back more than one time and realize that his anger is not personally directed at me. He is just very frustrated with where he is in life. It isn't all that he wanted for himself or our family. This hasn't been an easy process.

 

I like to fix things - unfortunately after several years of trying to fix the situation and my husband I found that this is one thing that is not mine to fix. Boy is that frustrating! I am learning to let things roll off and am becoming a stronger person.

 

It isn't your job to make your husband happy it is your job to encourage, support and confront when necessary. Nagging isn't a great option - I found this only drives the wedge in deeper. Pointing our the negative attitude doesn't really work either. Your husband is probably painfully aware of his shortcomings - which only adds to the anger.

 

Understanding your personality and his can be a lifesaver. I read this free report on understanding your mate and it really helped me figure out why his attitude bothered me so much and why I felt like I had to fix everything and why he might have had that attitude in the first place. You might want to check it out at LifetimeWithYou.com. It really put some things into perspective for me, maybe it will help you too.

 

Hang in there. We all need time to process and change.

[moonmosaic]

My husband and I have been through some of the most difficult years of our marriage recently. He changed careers - had to leave on that he loved for one that he isn't fond of. We moved away from some great friends and have struggled financially. The combination of all these things has made for some anger buildup. I understand the frustration of living with someone who has a crappy attitude.

 

I have had to take a step back more than one time and realize that his anger is not personally directed at me. He is just very frustrated with where he is in life. It isn't all that he wanted for himself or our family. This hasn't been an easy process.

 

I like to fix things - unfortunately after several years of trying to fix the situation and my husband I found that this is one thing that is not mine to fix. Boy is that frustrating! I am learning to let things roll off and am becoming a stronger person.

 

It isn't your job to make your husband happy it is your job to encourage, support and confront when necessary. Nagging isn't a great option - I found this only drives the wedge in deeper. Pointing our the negative attitude doesn't really work either. Your husband is probably painfully aware of his shortcomings - which only adds to the anger.

 

Understanding your personality and his can be a lifesaver. I read this free report on understanding your mate and it really helped me figure out why his attitude bothered me so much and why I felt like I had to fix everything and why he might have had that attitude in the first place. You might want to check it out at LifetimeWithYou.com. It really put some things into perspective for me, maybe it will help you too.

 

Hang in there. We all need time to process and change.

 

 

I agree that if the change in behavior is due to a sudden change in personal circumstance then the situation is different. You are honoring the "for worse" part of your wows until the "for better" returns. However, if it's a fundamental personality issue then you could be facing a lifetime of providing encouragement and support without having and expecting anything back. That's called unconditional love.

 

I truly want my marriage to be a mutual loving and carrying relationship so i try to tackle issues as and when they arise. I certainly have the choice to put up with my husband's occasional mean and inconsiderate attitude but I have decided not to. I believe that eventually it would lead to resentment and he would lose respect for me and vice versa. It would also damage the basic concept of humanistic approach: "I treat people the way I want to be treated."

 

We all have bad days, grumpy moments, stressful time periods but does that give us the right to treat others - especially those close to us - in ways that we would not wish to be treated either? If this make sense.

As long as those bad days are are recognized, snappy remarks and bad behaviors are apologized for, there is no problem. Recognition is the key and maturity comes with age. But my concern was that my husband's angry outbursts, restrictive criticism and hurtful remarks were not seen as anything but justifiable, given the moment. I know we got married without knowing each other and this past year has been very challenging for both of us.

 

I do appreciate your input and I know your comment was to help me get over my problems, thank you.

I am positive about us making this marriage not just work but keeping it a loving a caring one for many years to come.