married to an irresponsible kid that I call my husband

[superheroWife]

I think I finally have figured out this relationship thing.

 

I've been married for a year and a half now. the landmarks upon that time: wedding anniversary in January and my birthday in March. for my 20th birthday (that brings into the situation that, yes, we were dumb dumb dumb dumb to be so young... we were just oh so in love) I was sad/unhappy with our lives/relationship... I have felt the same way for our one year wedding anniversary and then my 21st birthday.

 

Throughout all of those Landmarks, my husband has never held a full-time job.

 

He didn't used to be a piece of sh*t until after we got married (oh yeah we also only knew each other for half a year, but we were living together and working together and spending every day together for that entire time).

 

Our LOVE is real. its very rare that people can find what we have found. And, so thats why the type of person I am to fight for that love with everything I've got..

but it has come to the point where his bad behavior (well his lack of action in working at all, in household chores & a job) has forced me to choose "Me over him? or do i keep on putting him before me?"

 

obviously, here are some of the problems and how we have let them get this way. We dont have an authentic real live every moment life. yah ok, so most people dont, but I am a rare person and I liked living my life to its fullest and now we are just stuck in entry-level jobs and cant save any money because I'm married to an eternal irresponsible child.. but yeah, I have allowed myself, my person to get erased in the process of marriage. I have been working so d*mn hard to get us to where we are going::: starting our lives and enjoying our love and go to work and come back and play with our animals and just all that normal happy bull.

 

Ok, Ok, yes I am a submissive woman to his dominant male.. We are both eldest children of our clans and are independent and feisty and wants our way--- but he won not me.... And yes, i technically let him be with me while he wasn't employed. But I was seriously trying to fix the situation, encouraging him to do it, help him look for jobs and with his resume, but overall I wanted HIM to ultimately choose himself so get off his arse and start being productive...... problem is, you can leave that up to a responsible adult but not a child. because then they will just coast along and only react and do something when you raise a rucus.

 

And get this, he FINALLY has gotten a job. like a month and a half a go, he got a job that told him it was a full time position and it ended up being a part time. he has not been on one interview for any other job in the meantime,

 

He always acts like hes the tired one. oh poor me. because oh he works 2-3 hours less than me every single workday. when i get to lunchtime he's already off work and I have to grimace through my next 3-4 hours of work (he starts one hour before my work). But I am the person who was sick for 5 WEEKs. oh yeah, after only calling in for ONE of the days out of the 5 weeks, and taking one week sick leave off, and multiple doctors (finally went to a real one after the free clinics ones are stupid),.... they told me I was

*Immune system was too low to operate

*way too stressed out

*need to get more sleep

*need to eat better (i dropped from my normal 110lbs to 96lbs while being sick -im only 5')

*need to exercise

*need to fix my muscles that are now super tense not super strong

*need to overall REST to get any of those done...

 

I used to be a succssful massage therapist [yeah im young but we both jammed as lot of life into our short lives, both living and working on our own by age 16, us both highschool drop outs (even though i am the honors student who came back and graduated and he is the california rockstar who plays at the keyclub and the roxy and why would he go back to finsih ged or school...)]... so yeah, so now I am left with a ruined arm and I cant massage anymore, which is financially stressing but I need to take care of my arm. Its a slew of problems from tendinitis in my wrist to my elbow and my carpals are all crunchy as well (lack of cushion/cartilage)

 

in addition to my wrist, I have my two ankles which I will occasionally roll and it will swell up... because I recently injured them BOTH in the last year. I fell down my stairs in my apartment tearing two ligaments and the other was at work, where a coworker ran into me stepping down from a ladder and hurt my other ankle..

 

so basically I am a mess. I am barely making it day by day=---- well, wait, my energy levels go up and down and overall I have recovered from my sickness (it ended up being just LITERALLY a sore throat that held on forever because my immune system was so low).

 

 

So The reason why I am still here? that LOVE thing. because its still there... in between all the mess.... when its there it feels genuine.. I have also made a lifelong committment to someone, and I am not a person to just back down on something like that...

 

the thing wouldnt be so bad if he wasnt such a horrible person. He loves me so why should he be so horrible to me in the meantime, in the 'real world' where I am struggling for US where I am being torn apart my sickness and overworking and hatred.... the 'in between time' the time in between us loving each other and being inour little world... well he makes the 'in between time' so unbearable I CANT EVEN ENJOY the simple loving times because I hate him so much.

 

I have had multiple different types of relationships with people before my husband, but never in a serious relationship where I was committing to be with them for a long time. I only had a previous sorta serious thing. but i always had my INDEPENDENCE and i was always my own person, a brilliant feminist who did what she pleased... So this is my FIRST RELATIONSHIP that deals with the what I call "relationship-specific psychological mind-trap". where you put LOVE before everything else-- even before yourself (which is where I went wrong) and make sacrifices and sort things out and justify it with love. I also have never felt this strong psychology between two people where its like you DONT have your independence you have to compromise and do all these things.. but overall--- LOVE blinds us fools. it sure has done the trick on me.

 

 

A few months ago after we fought and then we made up him crying and realizing he was a complete failure for our first year and so of marriage.. he apologized and said he didnt know why he did all those things and why he cant get a job and why he just didnt do anything. before in the fight he looked at me with his sad youngster eyes of a 12 year old and said 'your leaving me, aren't you?'... and so during this whole talking episode we both uttered and agreed on the fact that If I was any other normal person, in this very situation ANY normal person would have left (him) but I stayed.--------------------------------there was my exit.. i didnt take it.

 

I have not gained a partner, but I have adopted a child.

 

I guess the advice I am looking for isnt "should I or shouldn't I?", because thats kinda obvious... but I am asking in how far do you go for love and when do you just have to NOT be with someone when you arent working out and they just ARENT going to change.

 

I'm young, and one of the youngest and inexperienced areas is relationships for me. so I am looking to hear from yous with more experience than me, who have been through this loop before and knows when to say: "girl your just crazy?" or "yes, I gave up my entire life for love and it turned out I gave it for nothing..."

 

just anything. I've tried literally anything I can think of. Thanks.

[Mr. Lucky]

(that brings into the situation that, yes, we were dumb dumb dumb dumb to be so young... we were just oh so in love) (oh yeah we also only knew each other for half a year, but we were living together and working together and spending every day together for that entire time).

Well, as you mentioned in your post, you married very young to someone you'd only known a short period of time. So why the hurry to get it all figured out so quickly? Get hitched at 20 means you're going to be together during those transition years from teenager to adulthood, by definition a time of stops, starts and changes. Dang - you guys are only 3 years out of high school! I'd back off on the pressure and just relax, enjoy each others company and have some fun. You seem a little obsessive in your desire to figure it all out by age 21 ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

I didn't get married until I was 41, so I'm likely a bad example of good advice, but I will comment that things would seem more satisfying to you if you backed off the gas a bit. Your life has just begun and enjoying each day is so important.

 

You sound like a type A personality.... I don't know if there's a therapy for that. I certainly haven't found one, except perhaps solitude

[Dark-N-Romantic]

If your love is so rare... Why is what he is doing a big issue? Why is it you find yourself here complaining and asking for advice? The first think to getting good advice is being humble and admitting that something is not right.

 

Welcome to the world of true love Superherowife... The thing you think is love is not. It is an illusion cooked up by mortals to make them happy and go for the whole marriage and creation of other mortal things. It is a love based upon dreams and hopes and lust and passion. And that fades away eventually, for you it took 1-1/2 years. You want to know what real love is about??? It is about being able to do right by someone when they are not living up to our dreams. Love is cooking for someone when all they did was play video games all day without complaining and with a genuine smile on your face. Love is having sex with one's spouse because they want to when you know you are too mad to let them touch you right now. Love pushes away your pride and anger and envy, when by all human accounts, you should be reacting to those feelings. So, you have no entered the realm of true love and looked into the ugly sided of your beautiful husband.

 

You from here on out have to decide if you are going to fight this part of him because you love the man, or are you going to bow out and seek the man you desire elsewhere?

 

If your going to fight for him because you love your husband, you have to be prepared to accept that you are relearning your husband. Your going to have to relearn his dreams and goals in order to help guide and work with him along that path. This might mean kicking his butt to get a job. This might mean you getting a job or changing your spending habits to prepare for his new job search, especially if he needs an education for it.

 

You are going to have to NOT be submissive. I can understand submitting once in a while, we ALL have to do that in a relationship. But, you letting him run all over you is not befitting of a true wife. Being submissive is for a lot more enjoyable parts of a marriage, but not the main part. You need to put your foot down and hold him to the fire. He can only get away with that which you let him get away with. You have to let him know you, he, yall are there and that you, he, yall are in pain, angry, sad, jealous, etc. and that this is not helping you to want to stay.

 

You may want to really think about some time to act like a dating couple again for a bit. I mean keep the rings around your necks. And go through some pre-marriage courses. Take some couples therapy. Find fun and interesting exercises to do to build that strong foundation. Try it for at least 6 months and then reevaluate your situation. And then, if it is working out, put the rings back on. What you need it looks like is relearning who he is and let him be real this time and you be real.

 

 

DNR

I hope that made sense and will help.

[Desperado620]

Well, let's see. You've already told us he's a piece of sh*t, a horrible person, and that you hate him. Have I got this right? He didn't have a full time job when you dated/married him, but now that you're feeling overworked, you want him to have one. I'm sure you're both guilty of playing the poor-pitiful-me game, where you sit and compare how hard you worked today and whose back hurts worse. I find it very difficult to believe that you were a "successful massage therapist" before the age of 20, especially since you dropped out of school at 16. You describe yourself as a "brilliant feminist" but are unable to use correct punctuation and capitalization throughout your post. Your five week "sickness" was "literally" a sore throat, but you make it seem like a long battle with a terrible disease. You also went Doctor Shopping; you weren't satisfied with what the first doctor said, you kept going to different ones until you heard something you like. That's a hypochodriac trait if ever there was one. You continually tell us what a child your husband is, how immature, but you never give any reasons why you think this about him. What has he done, besides not work, to make you feel like he's immature and irresponsible?

 

Y'all, I don't usually snap at people, but this sounds EXACTLY like somebody I know well, and if superhero here is ANYTHING like this person, her poor husband has probably been emotionally bashed for some time. The thing that REALLY sucks about this board is that we only get one side of the story. Most of the time we take people at their word and give them advice and encouragement, but this girl just strikes me as probably being the one in the wrong, for all the reasons I listed above, and the tone of her message. Nobody else I've ever seen on this board has struck me this way. I don't think this girl is looking for actual help, I think she's looking for someone to make her feel validated.

[Elyssa]

I actually happen to agree with Desperado620.

 

The way she speaks about her husband and seeing how vocal she is about all of her complaints of him, I honestly believe that she may very well be the one causing the issue in the first place. Her husband may be lazy and uneducated, but this woman is likely telling him the very same things that she has posted here. He is likely being emotionally abused and has little or no self-esteem left to get back on his feet.

 

 

-E

[Desperado620]

Exactly. There are a lot of people here whose spouses and SO's have done horrible things to them. Yet none of these people will talk about their SO with such disrespect and blatant hate. Not cool.

[quankanne]

she doesn't have to worry about being cool, guys, she's ranting over relationship problems and griping is allowed. Lord knows I've done that enough times with my knuckle-dragging, booger-eating husband when he's pissed me off! JK, he can be a handful at times, but he's not devolved to THAT level. Yet.

 

how far do you go for love and when do you just have to NOT be with someone when you arent working out and they just ARENT going to change.

 

SHW – love is primary in a relationship, but it's got to manifest itself in different ways for that relationship to be successful. In y'alls case, your husband needs to get off his butt and be responsible, instead of forcing it all on you. You're NOT his mama, nor should you be expected to fulfill that role.

 

if he's not willing to change (i.e., mature) because you're at a point where you seriously need his support (the health issues), maybe it IS time to go. Because a relationship cannot grow in a healthy way if one person is expected to be the mature one while the other indulges in a belated childhood.

 

from what you've posted, it sounds like he's aware of the problem, but in the way a small child is aware of displeasing an adult. Because by now that boy should have gotten himself off his •ss and started taking responsibility, not shuffle it off after a childlike apology (sorry, I'm not meaning to be cruel here, but it steams me that he thinks a few words and eyes full of crocodile tears are going to make things better). Unless he does put his butt into gear and start being responsible, your life is never going to get any better than what it is right now.

 

and with the health problems you're facing (stress and depression don't help matters, I've seen what it's done to a certain family member, it's not pretty), you don't need a grown child adding to your stress.

 

Dear Abby said it best: Ask yourself if you're better or worse off without this person in your life. Me: Not the love part, because that doesn't change, but really and truly if your situation could be bettered with him or without him.

[Drakakhan]

Just stop complaining. My wife left me because I am supposedly irresponsible and childish as well. The only difference is that I worked all the time and even worked a weekend job for a while so that she could spend all the money. She only did the household. Now she has left me because I have some annoying habits. I am not talking about any serious things like physical or verbal abuse. When I am talking about annoying habits I am referring to the fact that I forgot to use deodorant now and then and used to close doors loudly....

[Drakakhan]

I agree with Allyee. All I did was work all the time and my wife has never said anything supportive to me in the last year we were married. The only thing she did all the time was complain about my childish behaviour. Now she left me because according to her I am never going to change.

[Shuffty]

You want to know what real love is about??? It is about being able to do right by someone when they are not living up to our dreams. Love is cooking for someone when all they did was play video games all day without complaining and with a genuine smile on your face. Love is having sex with one's spouse because they want to when you know you are too mad to let them touch you right now. Love pushes away your pride and anger and envy, when by all human accounts, you should be reacting to those feelings.

 

Are you serious? I only ask because for most of that post you made sense.

 

'Love pushes away your pride, anger and envy?' Since when? So, how long are we supposed to stay in these one sided relationships, cooking for these lazy video gamers and pretending we're ok with that? Having sex when we really don't want to, never complaining about anything and covering it all with a 'genuine' smile? None of that sounds like love to me, it sounds like being a doormat. Ok, so you'd do anything for the person you love, but aren't they supposed to give a little back, like, i don't know, respect, support, effort, consideration...?