How to be more Spontaneous?

[Marine_Wife87]

I've been married to my husband for a year, we dated for two years before we tied the knot and it just seems like we are having less and less sex. And I am a sexaholic, anytime any where. He just doens't seem to be up for it. He tells me to be more spontaneous, but I am out of ideas. I wear sexy lingerie, I have plenty of sex toys, we've done the anal thing. I am up to trying anything once. Any ideas????????

[whichwayisup]

Try backing off abit and let him come to you. Focus more on romancing him, making him feel special - Cook his favourite meal, buy him some of his favourite treats, or magazines he enjoys reading. Just do nice little things for him for no reason.

 

Is it possible he just feels pressured? Like how often do you two have sex?

[Marine_Wife87]

We have sex maybe once or twice a week, but it just isn't enough for me. I am the only woman he has ever had sex with, could that have something to do with it.

[Keridan]

Hello, Marine_Wife. I replied on your post in another thread as well, but your question is a little different here, so I wanted to respond here, too.

 

I think the guy is feeling pressured and that is never good for a guy's libido. I think the spontaneous thing is his way of saying "Don't let me know it's coming so I don't feel pressured" tho I'm not sure.

 

Try sitting with him and letting him know that you aren't trying to get sex right now, but want to talk to him about it. Let him know that you really enjoy the physical intimacy (and it never hurts to tell him it's cuz he's soooo good at it But you don't want it to become a forced thing. Let him know you are happy with any affection you get.

 

My guess is he's feeling pretty insecure right now. It's confusing for a guy (especially if they aren't that experienced) to have a lower sex drive than the woman he is with. Let him build up to breaking the pattern.

 

Also, let him know it's okay for it to be all about him sometimes too. I used to worry that if i needed a quicky, she was going to be disappointed if I didn't make it wonderful for her, too. Honestly, I never got over that, but I'm with someone else now. Tell him the next fantasy that pops into his head is okay ... anytime, anywhere, no matter if you get off or not. It's all about him and what he needs. He just gets to repay the favor sometime

 

Hope it helps at all. It's a tough problem.

[Quiet Requiem]

I get so frustrated when I read this. My wife is such a prude and our half year marriage is going to end in divorce.

 

It boggles my mind to think there are these sex starved wives out there, but I forgot men can be prudes just like women. Honestly, it is hard to say what is wrong. It could be something simple as he is going thru a rough time and is stressed out, or it could be he has some psychological disorder associated with sex.

 

I am almost in tears from frustration my wife puts me thru while I read these kinds of posts. Spontaneous sex is great except when your wife has a list of rules that crush the idea alltogether, for example:

 

1. No sex during the day because she is ashamed of her body even though she looks wonderful and have reassured her hundreds of times.

2. Sex is usually restricted to late at night after she gives in from watching TV all evening and I'm so f***ing tired I can't enjoy it.

3. Sex is restricted to only the bed in our bedroom.

4. No anal, no oral(my cum tastes bad she said), Handjobs make her feel dirty.

5. Most of the time she lays lifeless like a manequin while we have sex.

6. She bought lingerie for our honeymoon but I didn't see it until a couple months after, and only one time. She put a towel around herself until she crawled into bed so I really couldn't even see it. Then she got pissed when I asked her to pull down the upper part so I could see her breasts.

7. It is usually pitch black when we have sex and she gets pissy when I light ONE candle.

8. Blah Blah etc etc

 

OMG all you sex starved women come see me, I have so much hot, kinky, fun sex to give. I am so lonely.

[SunnySideUp]

marine_wife I feel you! I also have a higher sex drive than my husband, it's just the way we're wired. But also we've struggled because I have put pressure on him and he hates that, and doesn't want to have sex even more when he feels it's expected or I'm trying to coerce him. It's been a rough ride trying to figure out that's the problem, but after counseling and lots of talks I decided to try stepping back for a while and waiting for him to make the move, and it's worked for the most part. Sometimes I still am left unsatisfied and horny when he isn't up for it, but I've learned to not hold a grudge and to have some alone time so the horniness doesn't linger.

 

Requiem I'm so sorry your wife is like that! If only she could let go and realize how amazing sex is when you're comfortable with it and with herself. Have you considered asking her to see a sex counselor or marriage counselor? It sounds like she has some MAJOR issues when it comes to sex and her body. Did you know she was like this before you two were married?

[Walk]

My H has a lower sex drive then I do (medication related). It used to be a big issue for us because if I pressured him to perform, he'd get stressed, and it make him feel like less of a man.

 

We talked in depth about it several times.. Mostly me just tossing out ideas and alternatives. Anyway, we decided that if I'm horny and he's not in the mood then he'll give me oral. Usually getting him naked and in that setting is enough to flip the switch for him, but to relieve the pressure he was feeling from performance anxiety we agreed that oral wouldn't lead to sex unless he initiated it. Like I said though, getting him to the bedroom and naked is usually enough to get him over his performance anxiety and in the mood.

 

Maybe it would help the both of you to have an agreed upon way where he could still help satisfy your needs (even if its not the way you would ideally have it all the time), and yet he wouldn't be required to perform if he isn't feeling up to it?