Jump to content

Prenup! At what point do you reveal prenuptial interest?


Recommended Posts

Going to keep this post short.. then elaborate later.

 

Started out broke. Got married. Got "rich." Got divorced. Her sorry cheating a$$ is now walking around with all my money. Got "poor" from the divorce. Picked myself up. Now that I'm single, got "rich" again. Now dating. At what point is best to discuss a prenup with a woman? For you women who answer "never" - I would need you to elaborate as to why. I'm not considering whether or not to do it because I have an attorney doing up one now. I would just like to hear opinions as to what you think about it (both guys and girls). Your approximate age would be a HUGE help as well.

 

Thank you. --Trust.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I would discuss it at the point when you are discussing marriage.

 

<the elaborating part>

 

...............and if you were at that point with some hypothetical guy...would you agree in signing it? Why or why not?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am getting married in 24 days and yes I did sign a prenup. HE is older and his father died young and has an inheriatance. He was concerned about that. Plus we already co own a house and it clearly spells out how the house is divided if there was a divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter
I would discuss it at the point when you are discussing marriage.

 

Agreed. (I'm 28, btw). It would be rather odd to be on a 4th or 5th date with some guy who randomly says, "if we ever got married I would want a pre-nup." I would be like, "uh...ok. Are you asking me to marry you?"

 

I don't have any problems with pre-nups. If you have a lot of assets, you're just covering your ass.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I am getting married in 24 days and yes I did sign a prenup. HE is older and his father died young and has an inheriatance. He was concerned about that. Plus we already co own a house and it clearly spells out how the house is divided if there was a divorce.

 

Wow. What a coincidence. Perfect. Glad to have the privilege of your attention on the matter.

 

Can you tell me how he approached it with you? And then what was your thought process? How did you feel? Were you bothered by it? Did he have to do a lot of convincing? Was he previously divorced? Were you previously divorced? The previously married status usually has some bearing.

 

If he told you about it only at the point of discussing marriage (which I assume was waaaaay down the road) then wasn't it a big shock since it came out of nowhere? He had never mentioned it before?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh and.. congratulations on your marriage in 24 days.:)

 

___________________________

the doodle could have been undid had I hit the save button before hotgurl hit the post button, cornbread. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

wow lots of questions.

 

First both of us have never been married before.

 

We are both children of divorce. His dad's divorce was pretty bad. His mom got a good settlement. But the kicker was after the dad got remarried and the new wife got almost everything after he died even part of the kids inhertance. So what he has now is a fraction of what he should have.

 

He never really brought it up so the speak. We talk about a lot and have known each other for a long time so about three years or so into the relationship we started talking about marriage as an abstract. And I already knew about his dad problems so I think I asked and he said yes he would like a pre nup if we ever got married.

 

No I wasn't upset by it at all but I knew that is what he would want before we even offically discussed it so it wasn't a surprise or anything. As for the house that was layed out before we bought it.

 

Maybe we are weird because we've been together 7 years in OCt. I personally feel it is just sensible to have one.

 

not everyone agrees with me. For instance I can't tell my parents.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I don't have any problems with pre-nups. If you have a lot of assets, you're just covering your ass.

 

Same here. I am 30 and am getting married at the end of the year. We don't have one because our assets are already combined (and amount to bugger all really).

I assume things will get split 50:50 in the event of a split. Hopefully we don't have to have that conversation, but seeing as I have good earning power I would like to think that I wouldn't be a complete thieving b*tch about it.

 

Any inheritance I am due is already protected by a clause my dad had written into his will that no spouse/ partner of his children has any claim on his land/money in the event of one if his children dying. That reminds me I need to check that with him. Its mainly to protect my brother as his partner has four daughters who are the spawn of satan and my dad has locked his will in so none of them can try to get their mitts on anything.

 

Pre-nups are a bit of a romance killer, but I can appreciate the once bitten twice shy situation you are in, and if I was in a R with someone like you, I wouldn't hold that against you.

 

I would feel a bit odd if you brought it up while we were only dating though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Agreed. (I'm 28, btw). It would be rather odd to be on a 4th or 5th date with some guy who randomly says, "if we ever got married I would want a pre-nup." I would be like, "uh...ok. Are you asking me to marry you?"

 

I don't have any problems with pre-nups. If you have a lot of assets, you're just covering your ass.

 

You have no idea how valuable this information is to me. Especially since you seem to be adults with very interesting views. Thank you for that.

 

As for the 4th or 5th date thing.... That approach is not one I would take. I would never make the association with *her*. I'm more creative than that. I would say something like, "While I was helping raise money for underprivileged children while on the internet the other day, I happened upon a forum where they were discussing some hot topics. This one guy had an inheritance and was dating this much younger girl. He thought it appropriate that he ask her for a prenup and she agreed. So...what do you think about all that craziness?"

 

With the above approach, it should be safe to say that I'm not proposing to her. See what I mean?

Link to post
Share on other sites

That kind of approach could work, but proceed with caution, lots of women would see through that and see it as some kind of "test", and may not answer 100% honestly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

PS it sucks that she cheated and then got all your money- I have heard too many stories like that lately. The laws need serious reviewing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
wow lots of questions.

 

First both of us have never been married before.

 

We are both children of divorce. His dad's divorce was pretty bad. His mom got a good settlement. But the kicker was after the dad got remarried and the new wife got almost everything after he died even part of the kids inhertance. So what he has now is a fraction of what he should have.

 

He never really brought it up so the speak. We talk about a lot and have known each other for a long time so about three years or so into the relationship we started talking about marriage as an abstract. And I already knew about his dad problems so I think I asked and he said yes he would like a pre nup if we ever got married.

 

No I wasn't upset by it at all but I knew that is what he would want before we even offically discussed it so it wasn't a surprise or anything. As for the house that was layed out before we bought it.

 

Maybe we are weird because we've been together 7 years in OCt. I personally feel it is just sensible to have one.

 

not everyone agrees with me. For instance I can't tell my parents.

 

Wow. Lots of answers. Just what I needed! Thanks.

 

Neither of you are divorced.. I would not have guessed that because it's usually the ones who have been bitten who are in favor of it. Ok.

 

Both childern of divorce. Ok. That was my next guess. Either you've been burned or someone close has been burned. Now it's making sense. Ah! Hate to hear about the double whammy on the dad! See that's just what I'm trying to prevent. I don't want to be that guy. And I especially don't want my future kids getting screwed by it.

 

Soooo...sounds like what convinced you was 1. he's a heck of a guy :), and 2. you are pretty understanding of where he's coming from because of the "dad burn"??? Ok. This is great useful information. Keep it coming.

 

LOL!!! Haven't told the parents! That was my next question. Oh, man. Girl, how are you going to do that? See.. that's what I would like to know too....because after I take care of "future" girls objections...next are the parents. The toughest critics!!! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

PS it sucks that she cheated and then got all your money- I have heard too many stories like that lately. The laws need serious reviewing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter

As for the 4th or 5th date thing.... That approach is not one I would take. I would never make the association with *her*. I'm more creative than that. I would say something like, "While I was helping raise money for underprivileged children while on the internet the other day, I happened upon a forum where they were discussing some hot topics. This one guy had an inheritance and was dating this much younger girl. He thought it appropriate that he ask her for a prenup and she agreed. So...what do you think about all that craziness?"

 

With the above approach, it should be safe to say that I'm not proposing to her. See what I mean?

 

That kind of approach could work, but proceed with caution, lots of women would see through that and see it as some kind of "test", and may not answer 100% honestly.

 

I'm with sb129 on this one - your scenario sounds so forced, like you are fishing for an answer that has a deeper significance than you want to reveal.

 

I dunno, I'm not at all marriage minded. Been there, done that, have the divorce papers to prove it. So - this would not be a loaded question for me, since marriage is not my ultimate goal with any romantic relationship.

 

But just from what I've read on LS - apparently there is a goodly portion of females out there who are chomping at the bit to walk down the aisle. With those types, I would think that they are much more likely to say what they think you want to hear in this regard, rather than exposing their true feelings on the matter.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Same here. I am 30 and am getting married at the end of the year. We don't have one because our assets are already .

 

Wanted to say congratulations to you too! Wow..lots of engaged women on this forum...Good for me. Maybe I'll get something valuable from this post.

 

Don't understand what you mean by not having one because assets already combined... are you in a "fault" or "no fault State?" I'm in a no fault State and they don't care who cheats here. So cheaters end up getting rewarded with a big fat check when they divorce. No court necessary.

 

Haven't had that conversation yet? Wouldn't you rather call you insurance company to insure your car before a wreck instead of after?

 

Your inheritance. Ok. Glad it sounds like you have that one covered. But how about what you gain during the marriage? For me, I have a business that makes lots of money and is increasing dramatically every year. That is a point to be covered in the prenup. If you have assets, and if they are real estate, they most likely are appreciated as well.

 

Assume? Oooh....I cringe when I hear that word. I only assume about things that are out of my circle of influence. Finding out about what happens to all of your hard work in the *likely* event of a split, is very well something you could easily find out. It would be wise on your part to find out now (pre-marriage status).

 

Romance killer. Great comment. That's the great thing about anonymous posts. I'm more likely to get an honest answer here than anywhere else. I suppose it is a romance killer but I suppose it's on in your approach on the subject. See my previous post?

 

So, are either of you previously married?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm with sb129 on this one - your scenario sounds so forced, like you are fishing for an answer that has a deeper significance than you want to reveal.

 

I dunno, I'm not at all marriage minded. Been there, done that, have the divorce papers to prove it. So - this would not be a loaded question for me, since marriage is not my ultimate goal with any romantic relationship.

 

But just from what I've read on LS - apparently there is a goodly portion of females out there who are chomping at the bit to walk down the aisle. With those types, I would think that they are much more likely to say what they think you want to hear in this regard, rather than exposing their true feelings on the matter.

 

Well said. Sorry to hear about your divorce. Not getting married again? I'm not "marriage focussed" or anything (more relationship focused). Just trying to get this prenup thing behind me. My plan is to have this thing done and tucked away so that when I'm asked "Did you do this prenup before or after you met me?" I can honestly say "before." As I'm sure that will play in to how she may feel about it.

 

Any idea of how to uncover how a woman truly feels about that topic without asking directly or indirectly? I knew this was going to be tough. I haven't even gotten to the part about talking about it yet. Finding the right attorney to do the prenup was hard enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I live in the UK and we are getting married in New Zealand, where we are both from. we are moving there in a couple of months.

I am not entirely sure of divorce law in NZ, however, I know that Family Law there is generally considered to be quite fair and doesn't always favour the woman. Its a 50/50 split unless you can prove extenuating circumstances. Not even sure if prenups are recognised.

 

I know for SURE that if i cheat on my fiance, he will fight me every step of the way if i then try to take the p*ss even further by trying to win more financially. That is his absolute dealbreaker.

 

He has been married before but it was for student loan reasons and his ex is a solicitor who handled the divorce- ironically she cheated, but they split the profits of the house they owned 50/50.

 

We are talking about it as I write this- its not a taboo subject.

 

We have also discussed what would happen if one of us starts a business (which is likely to happen) and we have agreed that we will review it then- we plan to set up a family trust together and buy any property through this which protects assets esp if there are kids involved.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The other thing to note about NZ is that if you co-habit there for 2 years or more, you have similar legal status as a married couple, esp if you have kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Me and mine will have an agreement written up despite neither of us having much in the way of personal holdings. The subject of it came up as an abstract I guess because both of us were still in that "never getting married" (never again for me) mindset. His views on pre-nupts are more about him being the son of a lawyer than any concerns he might have about me personally. He got the benefit of seeing me go through my divorce. It took me six years to get it! Despite my ex thoroughly deserving me to stick it to him any way I could, I waived thousands in back child support and was fair about visitation. So my fiance knows I'm not vindictive.

We both stand to inherit property down the road. Him more so because his dad has his own law firm and is very well off, but I would imagine that his dad would have a protection clause on it. And it wouldn't surprise me if he gives nothing to his son and daughter; he is that much of a jerk and has done things like that in the past.

My concerns are that I've heard that pre-nupts don't hold up very well in court when dealing with less traditional situations. The only things I want enforced is 6 months of counseling before any calls get made to lawyers and then an equal split if things don't work out. I also don't want us to work our butts off for a house and what not and then have to split things up if it ever came down to him wanting to run off with someone else. If he ever wanted to do that, by all means do it, but take what you can carry on your back! It would really suck to put your all into something and then, by no choice or doing of your own watch that life get completely changed on a whim - they better want that other person or life enough to leave it all behind with the person who was satisfied with it. How to word that well enough to hold up in court is what I'm wondering about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I live in the UK and we are getting married in New Zealand, where we are both from. we are moving there in a couple of months.

I am not entirely sure of divorce law in NZ, however, I know that Family Law there is generally considered to be quite fair and doesn't always favour the woman. Its a 50/50 split unless you can prove extenuating circumstances. Not even sure if prenups are recognised.

 

I know for SURE that if i cheat on my fiance, he will fight me every step of the way if i then try to take the p*ss even further by trying to win more financially. That is his absolute dealbreaker.

 

He has been married before but it was for student loan reasons and his ex is a solicitor who handled the divorce- ironically she cheated, but they split the profits of the house they owned 50/50.

 

We are talking about it as I write this- its not a taboo subject.

 

We have also discussed what would happen if one of us starts a business (which is likely to happen) and we have agreed that we will review it then- we plan to set up a family trust together and buy any property through this which protects assets esp if there are kids involved.

 

I live in the US and there really is no option to fight it every step of the way where I live... those are really just words of intimidation. In my no fault State, you can cheat, then cash out and get MORE than 50%, especially if you are the woman. My ex even got away with stealing things from the house...I didn't know about the gift rule. Since I'm such a big gift giver, she took me for all that stuff too (cars mind you, and very expensive jewelry). Since they were gifts, there was no "divide by two" until she proudly amassed a small fortune on her side. In my mind, that stuff was OUR stuff. Not in the mind of the courts though. That skank even took the skymiles off of my credit card. The closing attorney on our primary residence even cut a huge equity check in both of our names (which was a mistake to allow him to put both of our names on the check when the decree distributed ALL of that money to her as part of the settlement) because she ran right out, filed her taxes, and I ended up even paying the capital gains tax on the money she took from me because correcting it would have flagged an audit. And who wants an IRS tax audit? After that, I coached all of my soon-to-be divorced friends on what NOT to do. Poor me. I had no clue.

 

Attention Gold Diggers: If you don't already live there, move to a no fault State! Then marry an unsuspecting schmuck who's never been divorced. :) I despise Gold Diggers.

 

Fella's: Read this thread and learn something. If you are in a no fault state, you better cover your ass (prenup). There's really no other option now-a-days. I've heard some guys say, "but I don't have any money". Yeah, you don't have any money NOW but you will LATER. You don't plan on being broke for the rest of your life do you? I can see it now...some guy finds out his wife is cheating or just wants out. Next day he wins the lottery. Guess what? Her new boyfriend is spending half your money. How do you feel about that?:) Can't do anything about it now because you didn't plan ahead. And guess who's fault that is?

 

I know this is a tough topic for you ladies to talk about with your men. That's why I'm trying to get it all out of the way now so I can just say, "hey, read this, get an attorney or waive your right to one, and sign." I'd hate to do what you are doing now and actually talk to the person I was going to marry about all of the details. Yeah, that is a romance killer.

 

So sb129, when is a good time to bring it up? And how?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Me and mine will have an agreement written up despite neither of us having much in the way of personal holdings. The subject of it came up as an abstract I guess because both of us were still in that "never getting married" (never again for me) mindset. His views on pre-nupts are more about him being the son of a lawyer than any concerns he might have about me personally. He got the benefit of seeing me go through my divorce. It took me six years to get it! Despite my ex thoroughly deserving me to stick it to him any way I could, I waived thousands in back child support and was fair about visitation. So my fiance knows I'm not vindictive.

We both stand to inherit property down the road. Him more so because his dad has his own law firm and is very well off, but I would imagine that his dad would have a protection clause on it. And it wouldn't surprise me if he gives nothing to his son and daughter; he is that much of a jerk and has done things like that in the past.

My concerns are that I've heard that pre-nupts don't hold up very well in court when dealing with less traditional situations. The only things I want enforced is 6 months of counseling before any calls get made to lawyers and then an equal split if things don't work out. I also don't want us to work our butts off for a house and what not and then have to split things up if it ever came down to him wanting to run off with someone else. If he ever wanted to do that, by all means do it, but take what you can carry on your back! It would really suck to put your all into something and then, by no choice or doing of your own watch that life get completely changed on a whim - they better want that other person or life enough to leave it all behind with the person who was satisfied with it. How to word that well enough to hold up in court is what I'm wondering about.

 

Hmmm...son of a lawyer. That was convenient. I would do the same thing... just blame it on my Dad. :) 6 years!!?? Wow! I just helped a friend though a divorce and took him 3! I thought he had the record. I can't imagine 6. You're still sane enough to type? Amazing.

 

The myth that prenups don't hold up to well in courts - better a not so good prenup than no prenup! A lot of that has to do with the experience level and how much time the attorney put into it. Also where you live.

 

My thoughts exactly on the "run off on a whim". My marriage was just fine. So I thought. She "fell in love" with this married man, and in 30 days, my world ended. I'm thinking the same thing about the person who leaves gets nothing.. but you've got to be careful with that. There are ways around it. You've got to think it through. I'll help you with that. And any outside help would be much appreciated. After I dish out maybe two thousand dollars (maybe more?) on this prenup...I'd be happy to share it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl
But just from what I've read on LS - apparently there is a goodly portion of females out there who are chomping at the bit to walk down the aisle. With those types, I would think that they are much more likely to say what they think you want to hear in this regard, rather than exposing their true feelings on the matter.

 

I am one of those chomping at the bit, and I have no issue with a prenup. In fact my b/f (who I concede is unlikely to ever propose, so no clue how much longer we'll be together) has not income, has been living off his savings while I make mid 6 figures.

 

However he has a son and is likely to reap the rewards of the business he has been building, so I have suggested that if and when he ever gets off the pot - we will need a prenup to protect his son.

 

Yup call me an idiot - but I am perfectly capable of earning my own living tyvm - I don't need anyone else's.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have a good lawyer write it with you and make her sign it before she has a ring. Any man that doesn't get a pre-nup these days is a fool because women are known to change their feelings at the drop of a dime and they have the courts on their side so to go into marriage without protection is just idiotic.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...