angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Much of what I've read or studied about relationships tends to point to the fact that a healthy sex life is a good indicator of a healthy marriage/relationship. So.... if that is the case, I'm curious to find out how often people in this forum can HONESTLY say that they have "mutually gratifying sex" with their SO. As for me, I'll start since I'm penning this post, I've been with my W since I was 19 (now 37) have never cheated, and on average it's been less than 20 times per year (3 times since Christmas). And NO, I have NOT been happy for the better part of the last 17 years. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Not happy in what way? Just sexually? Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 why what's wrong?? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Much of what I've read or studied about relationships tends to point to the fact that a healthy sex life is a good indicator of a healthy marriage/relationship. So.... if that is the case, I'm curious to find out how often people in this forum can HONESTLY say that they have "mutually gratifying sex" with their SO. As for me, I'll start since I'm penning this post, I've been with my W since I was 19 (now 37) have never cheated, and on average it's been less than 20 times per year (3 times since Christmas). And NO, I have NOT been happy for the better part of the last 17 years. I've only been with my SO a little over 2 1/2 years (3 years in June). We have sex daily. Sometimes he gets on my nerves but overall we get along great. I have noticed that when we don't have sex for 1 or 2 days I get really bitchy with him and he can get snappy with me. We chalk it up to sexual tension, do it, and go on with our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 Not happy in what way? Just sexually? Sexually and emotionally. My wife is very different from me in many ways. I am a Carpe Diem kind of guy, and she tends to quash any lively spirt in me. The lack of sex started after we were first together for a few months. I was out of town working for a couple of weeks, got back into town, booked a hotel room, took her out for a nice dinner, hit the pool afterwards, and when we got back to our room, I wanted to "be with her" and she told me that she did not want to be regarded as "a piece of meat". I was angry that she would take that stance, she retalliated by rejecting my advances 80% of the time. I eventually stopped trying to initiate (because guys typically don't enjoy being constantly rejected by our SO's) Our sex life has been dismal ever since. She also does next to nothing to try and fulfil my emotional needs. She never tells me that she loves me (unless I say it first), she never trys to make me feel special (on B-days, valentine's ect) and always leaves it up to my to set up date-nights, time together sans kids, and the like. In the past, I used to bust my balls trying to impress her, cater to her, and try to make her feel special and wanted. A few years ago I finally gave up, after feeling like I was the one member of our partnership that was doing all the work. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Have you talked to her about this? What was her reaction? Have you looked into possible marriage counseling? Sounds like she has gotten so comfortable with you that she's taken you for granted, whether she's known it or not. Sounds like your communication between each other is off. Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 i think jmargel is right to suggest counselling... also you and your wife seem like chalk and cheese, and your unhappiness sounds like it is eating you up. have you ever tried a trial separation, and spent time on your own, with space to think and make some real, concrete decisions? Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) When I was married our sex life was great the whole time.Emotionally I felt neglected,same as you no I love you's , no compliments,no kissing,hugging But oddly enough we always had a good sex life,I just knew in my mind if it's this great now imagine how it would be if we would show more love and affection towards each other. What I regret never doing is sitting my wife down to have a serious talk with her about our marriage and feeling neglected emotionally not feeling loved lack of communication. Have a serious talk with your wife, a marriage can not survive like that ,maybe she is also not happy,but can't find a way to tell you,someone needs to give in and bring this subject up,before it's to late. Edited March 25, 2008 by John Who Link to post Share on other sites
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) We've been to two different MC's. Last fall, we took a 12 week "communication building" program as well. It was disclosed by one MC that because of her upbringing, no matter how hard I try to be a good husband and father, she will constantly be raising the bar, and thus will never be satisfied with my efforts (her dad was always working when she was a child, and was never there for her). She says that she does not want to "be with me" because she always senses that I'm depressed. We just had this conversation, and I stated quite clearly that I have not been depressed, I have been angry. This came about as a result of me trying to pull out of a planned family ski weekend. A few days before, she was grilling me about money, and accused me of taking $60 out of our joint account without asking her first. I corrected her and stated that she had taken the money out to give to our kids for allowance. Regardless, I was angry at her for accusing me (money is a touchy issue) and felt as though I did not want to be on a leash all weekend while trying to enjoy myslelf with the family. I told her this, and she told me that I now HAVE TO go to a doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants. Or, she will leave me and take the house, kids, cars, ect, ect. Ok, so I'm not happy with my marriage, career, and some choices I have made. Does this warrent antidepressants? ...oh, and this thread was supposed to be about sex Edited March 25, 2008 by angryyoungman70 Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Ok, so I'm not happy with my marriage, career, and some choices I have made. Does this warrent antidepressants? ...oh, and this thread was supposed to be about sex Personally I think that antidepressants should never be used for situational depression. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Much of what I've read or studied about relationships tends to point to the fact that a healthy sex life is a good indicator of a healthy marriage/relationship. Yes, that and good communication. One can have a fantastic sex life and have a not so good relationship outside of the bedroom. Personally I think that antidepressants should never be used for situational depression Definately agreeing with you on this one! Talk therapy and daily exercise can help with this type of depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 Okay, so situaltional depression caused by a lousy marriage and lack of sex. I have been to a therapist and until recently, was engaged in the Body for life lifestyle (excercise 6X a week). I was in the best shape I've ever been in, and generally things slid off me more easily. Did this improve my sex life, relationship?? Not one single bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 maybe spend some time apart. can you do that?? Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 And so it starts .. I have been there and done that. The prognosis ain't good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 I would, if it were economically feasible. She works 3 nights a week, and I need to be there for my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Sorry Angry...but no MC, IC will do it.. it's over with her... sexually. It won't get better no matter how many therapists, gym, diets, antidepressants, etc. etc... btdt. Once the 'desire' is gone.. it's gone.. only a deep friendship remains.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 So basically, I've wasted the last 17 years of my life hoping that things might turn around right? That's comforting. I haven't even gotten into her need to control my every move, which of my friends I can see, what to do with my time away from work, and that she is angry about 75% of the time. I also did not mention that I have not been attracted to her for several years....just in it for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 aaahhh...i see. can i ask you, why now?? why after all this time? do you think you can't take much more?? if i'm being nosy, remember to tell me to bog off, ok?? xx Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I disagree, Lizzie. It CAN come back. The question is...what caused it to be there in the first place? WHY did it fade? What was it about you that attracted her to you in the first place...that made her 'want' you in the first place? And how do you get back there? It CAN be done...but it means that SHE has to put as much effort into figuring out the why and helping to fix the problem as he does. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Sorry Angry...but no MC, IC will do it.. it's over with her... sexually. It won't get better no matter how many therapists, gym, diets, antidepressants, etc. etc... btdt. Once the 'desire' is gone.. it's gone.. only a deep friendship remains.. IMO that's the furthest from the truth. Think of this like a weed.. The sex, the anger, etc.. are the leaves of this weed. What you need to do is pull this weed out by the root so these leaves won't come back. You need to find the 'root' of these problems. I believe she is going to need IC. She is taking her problems out on you and there is only so much you can take. Has she been diagnosed with any mental problems or depression? Sounds like she might have some. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 So basically, I've wasted the last 17 years of my life hoping that things might turn around right? That's comforting. I haven't even gotten into her need to control my every move, which of my friends I can see, what to do with my time away from work, and that she is angry about 75% of the time. I also did not mention that I have not been attracted to her for several years....just in it for the kids. Basically... yes... but you can always get out of the marriage, if you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I disagree, Lizzie. It CAN come back. The question is...what caused it to be there in the first place? WHY did it fade? What was it about you that attracted her to you in the first place...that made her 'want' you in the first place? And how do you get back there? It CAN be done...but it means that SHE has to put as much effort into figuring out the why and helping to fix the problem as he does. In La-La Land it can come back.. but in real life.. it doesn't. She won't put the effort.. why? because she just don't want to.. period. I've been in that situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Lizzie not everyone is like you or has a situation like you. The poster needs to gain some confidence within' himself and not let her affect his own self-worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 In La-La Land it can come back.. but in real life.. it doesn't. She won't put the effort.. why? because she just don't want to.. period. I've been in that situation.. You know I love you Lizzie--but that's your experience. It can come back, I am walking proof of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 I've been in this situation before, going back to just before I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child. I was ready to pull the pin, found out that she was preganant, and decided to suck it up. I've been here many, many other times before as well since having kids, but have remained absolute in my resolve to be there for my kids, since I was raised by a single parent. I go through stages where my confidence and self-esteem improves, and it ususally brings out my dissention. My confidence and self-esteem are generall quite low - attributed I think to the constant rejection and denial of emotional fulfilment. Your take? Link to post Share on other sites
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