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Husband spent rent money on strippers


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southernbell85

ok..... My husband (of 1 year) is in the Navy and before he shipped out last we started to really fight about "normal" first year marriage things.... He's gone 6 months out of the year...and when he's home we have to get used to living with each other all over again. After being on the ship for only a week the ship stopped in Florida for a port call... Normally when he's at a port call he will call me and his family through out the time he's there (since he can only use email on the ship) but this time was different.... he called for 5 mintues on the first day, no phone call the second day, but then he called at 2am on the thrid day..... he was drunk off his ass....he told me that we were vicitms of ID theft and that our bank account was wipped out and that i was on my own to pay all the bills for that month including rent (the military GIVES him money just for rent....but it went "missing" out of his account). I was very upset, stressing over where i was going to get all of that money, but i still loved him and trusted him.

 

A few weeks went by and we have been talking a few times a day via email.... i asked him if he's contacted the bank about the ID theft... he then came clean...."i spent the money on beer"..... we had over 2,000 in the account and he said he spent it all one night on beer at that port call. I was pissed!!! I'm fine with him drinking, no problem with it what so ever BUT i'm not fine with him lying to me AND spending our living money just so he can have fun. He admitted that he was upset about our relationship and he wanted to drink his problems away. I sent him an email saying that i couldn't be with someone that would do that. So, a week went by and i found out i was pregnant (yes, it's the hubbys). So i emailed him telling him that we would have to at least try our marriage again..... during the week of "silence" he said that he was reading a marriage help book that his command gave him and he had plans to visit marriage counseling when he returned home. A few weeks go by....during those few weeks he treated (threw email and phone) me like a queen. He really changed....he was excited about the baby, excited about starting over with me, just excited...... then yesterday happened..... He admitted that he didn't only spend money on beer that one night....it was also at strip clubs..... not too much of a big deal since it was in the past BUT he lied again AND we both promised each other before he left that we would NOT step foot inside ANY TYPE OF CLUB while he was away...that way the we wouldn't have to worry as much about what the other one is doing......so he lied on several account.....

 

my question to you guys is...... How should i react to this? I'm not upset about him drinking and all but i am upset about him lying and spending all of our money! During that month i barely had food to eat and gas in my car because i had to take care of all of our bills and my college. He's never been a real drinker, or a clubbin kinda guy, but it worries me that he reacted that way because he THOUGHT that our marriage was over.... even though when i saw him off at the pier he looked into my eyes and said "we're going to be ok, i promise".

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He admitted that he didn't only spend money on beer that one night....it was also at strip clubs..... not too much of a big deal since it was in the past BUT he lied again AND we both promised each other before he left that we would NOT step foot inside ANY TYPE OF CLUB while he was away...that way the we wouldn't have to worry as much about what the other one is doing......so he lied on several account.....

Did you really think initially that he'd spent the whole $2000 on beer :eek: ? That's either some very expensive brew or he bought a round for the entire 6th Fleet :eek: !!!

 

He screwed up big time but it does seem like just a one-time big mis-step. And he probably got scared and lied to you to cover his tracks. If he does seem sincerely remorseful (and since baby will make three :)) I'd hope you would forgive him and work together on your marriage. You're getting the worse half of "for better or worse" out of the way early on...

 

Mr. Lucky

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curiousnycgirl

Wow that is fairly huge. I would say he has proven to you that he cannot be trusted as a provider - and I would take steps to secure that this cannot happen again. Perhaps set up a separate account for his spending money - keeping the rest away from his ATM card?

 

I assume you work too. You might have to consider upping your hours or finding something that will pay more. Frankly you need to be able to support yourself - without his income/rent money from the Navy.

 

I'm not saying ditch him, I'm saying you need a fall back position, just in case he "gets upset" again.

 

I agree with you lying is reprehensible - however telling he can't go to strip clubs might not be a reasonable expectation. It might just be what all his mates were doing on their shore leave. By telling a guy he CAN'T do something, you are setting him up to lie in the event he does it. If you trust him, you trust him - regardless of where he goes.

 

The fact that he spent soooo much money at that club goes back to what I said above. Clearly he has proven he can't be a provider - and until he proves otherwise, you need to have a fall back position.

 

Good luck to you guys.

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Go get checked for STD's..

 

Your husband is a jerk.. not because he spent drank or went to a stip club but he spent the money you need to pay the rent and stuff...

 

:sick:

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southernbell85

No, i didn't think that he spent $2,000 on beer....lol... I am blonde, but i'm not THAT blonde. I knew that there was something else going on that he wasn't telling......but i knew the truth would come out before he got home. I should also say that i'm not against strip clubs... i was a stripper in my early years of college....but now i'm a manager for a historical plantation. I'm just upset that he lied about it...and i'm not sure how to trust him like i did before.

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curiousnycgirl

I think he is going to have to win your trust back - which can only happen over time, it is not something that can be rushed. The fact that he is treating you like a queen while away at sea is also sort of meaningless - as it is easy to do.

 

If you want to try to make this work - I suggest putting this behind you, but remaining cautious. I wouldn't throw it in his face, or anything. Perhaps explain to him that the lying has really broken your trust in him, and that it has to stop. You can further say that you are committed to fixing the marriage, but trust takes time to (re) build - so it will take time.

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southernbell85

in response to Curiousnygirl...... HE was the one that made ME promise i wouldn't go to any clubs, I said that's fine as long as he does the same thing. But you are 100% right..... no one should tell thier spouse what they can or can't do.

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I think he should not be allowed to have a debit card for the time being.

 

He's proven that he's not trustworthy and puts his own self-indulgence before the welfare of his family.

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$2000 ? I would be very interested to know exactly what he was getting for that. From my own experience with my h, who also lied about going to a sc, I (unfortunately) know (I think, I got this from my h, who lies) that a table dance costs about $20 for one song. I would imagine that VIP rooms, lap dances, etc. are a bit more than that. But still, that's a lot of dances to add up to 2 grand.

What a weiner! You're skimping on the groceries, scraping to pay rent, so he can have a night of being mister deep wallet? And the ridiculous lie about identity theft? If he was my h, he would be lucky to be going off to battle, rather than having to come home anytime soon to me. Pregnant or not.

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When my husband was being deployed I got him a separate checking account and we agreed on a limit of like $300 a month for his spending since I had to take care of all the bills. Maybe you should try something like that. Good luck, my husband likes to spend too much too lol.

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Open up a second "household" account in your name only.

 

Tell "Swabie' Boy" the per Department of Defense and Department of Navy regulations, you're entitled to up to 80% of his basic pay, and that he's to make out a military dependent allotment out of his pay in that amount (or more) and give him an allowance.

 

If he balks, tell him you'll be speaking with his section chief and CO.

 

The above is true for all branches of the military, and even applies if your separated. The military doesn't recognize "legal sepearations" either "you is married ~ or youse isn't" The military doesn't want a bunch of bad press about homeless and starving wives out on the streets, bauces their service members are out blowing $2000 in strip clubs ~ not meeting their financial obligations to their spouses and children? :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

DOD (Dept of Defense) gets really pissed off when they get phone calls from Congressmen and Senator's office about this kind of thing ~ by the time it gets down the chain of command? Its not fun and its not pretty ~ as a matter of fact? It gets down right ugly.

 

Keep in mind? If this every happens again? As a military dependent you could have gone down and gotten help from the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society at his base. They would have loaned you the money, (no interest) to get you through the month ~ (The Army/Air Force has a similar non-profit organization). The money would come out of his check each month.

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Lookingforward

was just formulating a reply somewhat along those lines but you got there first (and said it better) LOL

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