Is this verbal abuse?

[Rover]

I can't seem to find any resources that address the women who verbally abuse husbands, so I'm wondering if my situation falls in that category or not.

 

• My wife seems to find fault with nearly everything I do.
  
• If I make lunch or dinner, she complains about the mess I'm making.
  
• When I clean up the kitchen, she complains about the kind of soap I'm using or the amount of water I'm running.
  
• If I sit down to read a book, she complains about me "sitting around"
  
• etc.

She gets angry at me to where she's yelling at me at least 2 times a day. Then she gets cold for some time after that.

 

If she gets home before I do, I dread it because I know she's going to be angry at me about something. I just don't know what. I get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm home and she comes home.

 

If she really came down on me hard the day before, she then tries to make up for it by being extra nice the next morning. In those times, I tend to forget how bad it was the day before. But with that day oir the next, she'll find something to get mad about and we're back.

 

I've talked to death about it. Sometimes she promises to stop, but doesn't. Other times, she tries to minimize it ot blames me.

 

Is this verbal abuse or am I just dealing with a difficult person?

[whichwayisup]

If she is making you feel bad and it's affecting you - Then it is abusive behaviour. She IS a nit picker and has some control issues too.

 

IF she doesn't stop this behaviour it will ruin your marriage, let alone ruin any love and affection you feel for her.

 

You need to stand tough with her and take control. Next time she acts pissy with you, yells at you or nit picks at you, confront her as it's happening and TELL her enough! That you are sick and tired of it and it's time to think about either marriage counselling (to learn how to communicate with eachother properly) or separate, possibly divorce.

 

Do you two have children? Or is she the only "child" so to speak in the house?

[blind_otter]

There is no set definition of what constitutes verbal abuse...if you feel that it is, I would recommend marriage counseling. If she won't agree to marriage counseling, seek out individual counseling.

 

In her book Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery, Patricia Evans explores the mental anguish caused by unrelieved verbal aggression.

 

In her books, Evans defines 15 types of verbal abuse:

 

•Withholding (refusing to talk to or acknowledge the victim)

•Countering (always telling the victim that he or she is wrong)

•Discounting (not taking into account the victim's perceptions)

•Verbal abuse disguised as a joke

•Blocking and diverting (thwarting the victim's attempts at communication)

•Accusing and blaming

•Judging and criticizing

•Trivializing (telling the victim his or her concerns are inconsequential)

•Undermining (eroding the victim's confidence)

•Threatening (implying physical harm through a fit of rage or though an unspoken threat, like punching the wall)

•Name calling

•Forgetting (regularly "forgetting" appointments, agreements, or incidents)

•Ordering and demanding

•Denial (denying all abusive behavior)

•Abusive anger (frightening the victim with repeated angry outbursts)

[ElvenPriestess]

I'd more classify this as emotional abuse if anything. But this pattern is just that, a pattern and can be a vicious cycle. Trust me, you don't want that.

 

You guys are obviously arguing alot, she's upset a good part of the time you're around her, always something is wrong. You need a marriage counselor. Seriously, I speak from experience that these exact things will escalate if you don't have a third party. MC is my advice here. Before it gets more out of hand.

[Tripper]

Rover, whether it's abuse or just a "difficult" person isn't the issue. She's got you walking on eggshells and that's not right.

It sounds like she's got some unhappiness or issues that she needs to resolve. She may not even know what's bothering her.

Have you spoken to her about this?? Made her aware of how you are feeling?? I think it has to start there, with the question about what's causing this behaviour.

She may have to go to therapy to get to the heart of this behaviour.

 

How you handle it is also something that will impact your happiness. You can go along with it (peace at any price), you can ignore it (head in the sand), you can fight (go to war) it but you won't resolve anything until you and especially she deals with it.

[Rover]

There is no set definition of what constitutes verbal abuse...if you feel that it is, I would recommend marriage counseling. If she won't agree to marriage counseling, seek out individual counseling.

 

In her book Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery, Patricia Evans explores the mental anguish caused by unrelieved verbal aggression.

 

In her books, Evans defines 15 types of verbal abuse:

 

•Withholding (refusing to talk to or acknowledge the victim)

•Countering (always telling the victim that he or she is wrong)

•Discounting (not taking into account the victim's perceptions)

•Verbal abuse disguised as a joke

•Blocking and diverting (thwarting the victim's attempts at communication)

•Accusing and blaming

•Judging and criticizing

•Trivializing (telling the victim his or her concerns are inconsequential)

•Undermining (eroding the victim's confidence)

•Threatening (implying physical harm through a fit of rage or though an unspoken threat, like punching the wall)

•Name calling

•Forgetting (regularly "forgetting" appointments, agreements, or incidents)

•Ordering and demanding

•Denial (denying all abusive behavior)

•Abusive anger (frightening the victim with repeated angry outbursts)

 

I read that book, but it was very much oriented towards men vs. women. I get the feeling the abuse may be different when it comes from the wife.

 

She definitely does do a few things on that list :

 

- Withholding (refusing to talk to or acknowledge the victim)

- Verbal abuse disguised as a joke

- Accusing and blaming

- Judging and criticizing

- Trivializing (telling the victim his or her concerns are inconsequential)

- Undermining (eroding the victim's confidence)

- Ordering and demanding

- Denial (denying all abusive behavior)

[Rover]

Rover, whether it's abuse or just a "difficult" person isn't the issue. She's got you walking on eggshells and that's not right.

It sounds like she's got some unhappiness or issues that she needs to resolve. She may not even know what's bothering her.

Have you spoken to her about this?? Made her aware of how you are feeling?? I think it has to start there, with the question about what's causing this behaviour.

She may have to go to therapy to get to the heart of this behaviour.

 

How you handle it is also something that will impact your happiness. You can go along with it (peace at any price), you can ignore it (head in the sand), you can fight (go to war) it but you won't resolve anything until you and especially she deals with it.

 

Yes, I've spoken to her repeatedly about it. It's a pattern. I'll discuss it with her, she'll feel bad and accuse me of "coming down on her again". And then she tries to play the victim by saying "I guess I can't do anyting right". But I remind her that this is the only issue I bring up to her and none other. Then she says "Oh, so you think you're right all the time?".

 

Even when she admits she's going overboard, she'll seem to understand and promise not to do it anymore, but she then does it again no later than the next day.

[cj1988]

Yes, she is abusing you ! She is NOT happy with herself and will keep doing this until YOU make it stop. Maybe she needs help, some child hood issues causing her to be so negative. Talk to her and let her know how she is making you feel and that this is not acceptable. As long as you let her do this, she will continue.

 

My H was the same way, NOW we do not even speak because of it, MY CHOICE. He could not seem to want to be nice even civil, so I do not deal with him at all. We will be D soon, but that is all on hin now, not me !

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I've spoken to her repeatedly about it. It's a pattern. I'll discuss it with her, she'll feel bad and accuse me of "coming down on her again". And then she tries to play the victim by saying "I guess I can't do anyting right". But I remind her that this is the only issue I bring up to her and none other. Then she says "Oh, so you think you're right all the time?".

 

This is completely manipulative on her part. She plays the victim and you become the bad guy because she can't do anything right. She needs help, and this isn't just about the marriage, it's her coping skills and how she relates, speaks to you and how she is in the marriage.

She's not acting like your partner! She's supposed to be your wife but her actions and what she says prove otherwise.

 

Can I ask? Do you two have sex or does she take issue with that as well?

[Rover]

This is completely manipulative on her part. She plays the victim and you become the bad guy because she can't do anything right. She needs help, and this isn't just about the marriage, it's her coping skills and how she relates, speaks to you and how she is in the marriage.

She's not acting like your partner! She's supposed to be your wife but her actions and what she says prove otherwise.

 

Can I ask? Do you two have sex or does she take issue with that as well?

 

Yeah we have a problem there also. She likes sex no more than once a month for the past few years. I've discussed that with her too, but I finally gave up.

[serial muse]

I read that book, but it was very much oriented towards men vs. women. I get the feeling the abuse may be different when it comes from the wife.

 

She definitely does do a few things on that list :

 

- Withholding (refusing to talk to or acknowledge the victim)

- Verbal abuse disguised as a joke

- Accusing and blaming

- Judging and criticizing

- Trivializing (telling the victim his or her concerns are inconsequential)

- Undermining (eroding the victim's confidence)

- Ordering and demanding

- Denial (denying all abusive behavior)

 

I don't think these abusive behaviors are gender-specific - as you yourself say, your wife indulges in them. I know it might be difficult for you to fully identify with the victims of abuse in the book if they are generally referred to as women, but the behaviors themselves are the thing to focus on.

 

Clearly, you feel abused, and as Tripper said, that's the important thing here. I'd also advise you to consider marriage counseling.

[Zolie]

It kills me to read stories like yours. I cringe when I hear of a woman treating her man this way. But, I also cringe knowing that women who do this need help and I don't think many of them get the help they need to stop it.

 

It's a subject that has always bothered me when witnessing a wife berating her husband for something he didn't deserve. I've seen it in my own relatives, friends and even strangers. Sometimes I will think the wife is just a royal witch, and other times I figure the husband is just plain annoying to live with, and the wife strikes out in exasperation.

 

Recently, though, I have witnessed my son's girlfriend berating him for no apparent reason other than she is in a bitchy mood. He always calmly takes it, until she pushes too far, and then he tells her to chill already. She does, but then she sulks.

 

And I've witnessed it in my daughter towards her boyfriend. Each time, I think these girls in my family are being way too intolerant and critical of their boyfriends. And I see the bewilderment in the boys' eyes - they can't understand how they evoked such ire from the girls who love them.

 

(And most painful of all, I realize I was probably guilty of some of this towards my ex husband. <cringe> But, day-um, it was things like him refusing to wash his hands after anything, such as grilling outside and then handling the door knob with his greasy hands when coming back inside, and not bothering to clean it off, causing me to grasp the greasy doorknob myself.<shudder> Oh, and his end of the couch? Yeah, well, the arm on that end was a hardened, blackened, greasy, crusty area the entire length of the arm - because he never washed his hands after anything. Oh, did I say that already...)

 

<Blink> Wow, that was a surreal - I really digressed there for a minute. Sorry for the almost threadjack, Rover.

 

Back to you. Your wife obviously realizes she is being mean to you, and that it is generally unjustified, which causes her to try to make it up the next day. But, at the time she is complaining and berating you, she genuinely thinks her annoyance is justified. She can't help herself then. However, I think YOU can help her and thus yourself.

 

You must be Firm and Strong and tell her to cease this castigation. She needs to know it bewilders you, hurts you, and angers you. She needs to know you will not tolerate it.

 

She'll either get the picture and get help to stop, or she won't. Then it's your call whether you want to continue to live with it or not.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Tripper]

Yes, I've spoken to her repeatedly about it. It's a pattern. I'll discuss it with her, she'll feel bad and accuse me of "coming down on her again". And then she tries to play the victim by saying "I guess I can't do anyting right". But I remind her that this is the only issue I bring up to her and none other. Then she says "Oh, so you think you're right all the time?".

 

Even when she admits she's going overboard, she'll seem to understand and promise not to do it anymore, but she then does it again no later than the next day.

 

Rover, you may have to discuss this within the context or marriage counseling. You need a professional to referee the discussion so that she can't play the victim. They would call her on it. If she refuses to go then maybe you need to go alone to learn how to cope it. That, or you will be on the road to a divorce. You can't live like that.

[simplegirl]

Rover - I have actually done a little research on this exact subject for a friend of mine. Most of what I found was men abusing women but I did find a website called www.batteredmen.com that gave me some information.

 

I think sometimes (at least in my friend's case) men know they are being treated badly and are unhappy but they are too "macho" to admit they are being abused. My concern is the pattern that develops. If the man does not do anything to stop it directly and just covers it up, ignores it whatever, then what does that teach any children that are members of that family? My friend has 3 young sons (2 with her and 1 with his exW that the new W verbally abuses too) and I am so scared they will think it is normal to be treated this way and end up with women that do the exact same thing to them.

[HisLove]

Yes it is abusive. Unfortunately, it is not likely that she will reform. There is a problem in herself and abusers never think they have a problem.

 

Verbal and other abuse is a form of control that is ironic because it is exerted by those who feel less in control than you do. I have learned the hard way that the only thing you can usually do is save yourself and leave them and their abuse behind. They will double, quadruple their efforts to suck you back in if they feel they are losing control over you and then you'll hear the sound of hoovering in the background.

 

Another great site is drirene.com

 

After tolerating if for a few years, you become numb to it and don't think it's a problem really. It's just another ****ty day in paradise where things aren't really bad but they aren't really good either.

 

Rover, she has worn you down. A healthy person in your situation would say "who cares?" to the things she throws at you. The smell of the detergent, sitting to read a book. (does she read a book while she's driving?). You're a grown man who is capable of making a meal and cleaning up. You're an adult who can decide if he wants to take half an hour in his life today to read a book.

 

I have a solution for control freaks who don't like things being done any way except theirs...I let them do it. Repeat after me Rover..."I will do this MY way. If you don't like it, then you can do it while I go and do something else (like read my book). Otherwise STFU."

Edited January 30, 2008 by HisLove

[Rover]

Yes it is abusive. Unfortunately, it is not likely that she will reform. There is a problem in herself and abusers never think they have a problem.

 

Verbal and other abuse is a form of control that is ironic because it is exerted by those who feel less in control than you do. I have learned the hard way that the only thing you can usually do is save yourself and leave them and their abuse behind. They will double, quadruple their efforts to suck you back in if they feel they are losing control over you and then you'll hear the sound of hoovering in the background.

 

Another great site is drirene.com

 

After tolerating if for a few years, you become numb to it and don't think it's a problem really. It's just another ****ty day in paradise where things aren't really bad but they aren't really good either.

 

Rover, she has worn you down. A healthy person in your situation would say "who cares?" to the things she throws at you. The smell of the detergent, sitting to read a book. (does she read a book while she's driving?). You're a grown man who is capable of making a meal and cleaning up. You're an adult who can decide if he wants to take half an hour in his life today to read a book.

 

I have a solution for control freaks who don't like things being done any way except theirs...I let them do it. Repeat after me Rover..."I will do this MY way. If you don't like it, then you can do it while I go and do something else (like read my book). Otherwise STFU."

 

You pretty much described the situation exactly as it is! About things not being that good, but not being terribly bad either. It's more like having a constant dull headache. It's not excruciating, but it keeps things from ever being fun.

 

Thanks for the understanding and for the information.

[Rover]

Ok here's an example of what I'm talking about ..

 

Just a few minutes ago she came back home from her part-time job. She didn't say hello or anything. I come over and say "Hi! How are ya?" and she rolls her eyes and says "Fine, fine, ok?"

 

I go to approach her and she waves me off and says "Hey listen, I'm tired. I know you're going to say I'm bitchy and then we're going to have a fight and blah blah blah. So I'm going to take a shower, ok?" And she walks off.

 

This is typical. This isn't a direct attack on me, but I find it hard not to resent her for that. It's something I'd normally let slide and try to forget about.

 

Is this screwed up or is it my perception of it?

[HisLove]

No it's screwed up.

 

A rational person would say hello to you, and then tell you why they've had a crappy day and aren't in the best of moods, and then say they are going to have a shower and chill out for a while.

 

You have every right to say she is bitchy because she IS BITCHY.

 

Somehow she's in a bad mood for something but inferring that it's your fault somehow. Maybe it is your fault, but an adult would tell you why.

 

What would she have said or done if you had said this "Yes you are acting in a Class A Bitch Way. Stay in the shower and don't come out till you've recovered your sense of humour because I'm not bearing the brunt of your bad mood!"

[Scrivdog]

That's blatant verbal abuse pure and simple. Plus you don't get any sex? Are you some kind of masochist?

 

I bet you lost all sense of objectivity - which I get from your last question. The fact that you even wonder if that's abuse shows how beat down you've become. You're no different than wives who get backhanded by their husbands and then wonder if maybe they didn't "deserve" it.

 

Get a grip. I hate to even suggest this - but maybe you do need to book a few sessions with a counselor so he/she can help you see the light.

[hippyvic]

Whatever the name for it, it is seriously soul-destroying! To be told you are wrong for everything and you don't know why or for what is confusing. Give her an ultimatum, tell her exactly how you feel, what you see the problem is and tell her you love her and want to make it work but you need this to stop. Tell her you are seeing how things go for the next 1,2,3,4,5 etc months and if not, you will think about ending the relationship. Maybe it will make her think its unacceptable.....?