freckles3131 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Situation: Living w/my boyfriend together 3 yrs. A year and a half ago we decided this year would be the year we would start seriously saving for a house. Last year I gave him "carte blanche" you could say, to spend money on his trucks (he does truck pulling etc..and it's his "passion/hobby") he told me he would be putting about $5,000 into them. It's a passion of his and I wanted to be supportive as I knew THIS year we would be saving like mad for a house and he would have minimal money for his "hobby" I found out that he jacked up his credit card to $16,000 meaning he spent about 10,000 on his trucks. On top of that he has 3 other credit cards at about $3 to $5,000 each, plus a newish truck that is $850.00+ per month for the payments. Plus, college loans. All told he owes over $30,000 in credit card debts plus his truck payment and another loan for his trailer. On my end...I owe about $4,000 in debt total and with my tax refund will be debt free in about 3 months. He told me he didn't realize he would need to spend as much as he did on the credit cards and with his tax refund will pay down 3 of the debts. (the interest rates on them are 18-20%. I suggested months ago at the very least he CALL the credit card companies and see if they will lower the rate. He hasn't done this as of yet. I also know he has been on a truck website talking shop and considering buying more engine stuff (about 5,000 more) He said he is willing match whatever I tell him to put in the bank for our house fund...BUT...how on earth can he do this AND pay down this debt. He makes very, very good money and Yes, has 2 trucks and a trailer to show for it, but that's it. This truck stuff is like an addiction. It makes him happy. It seems to be more important than a house at this point. He has a CD worth 10,000 but doesn't want to touch it because that is his emergency money. And will use that towards a house if need be. I have worked very, very hard to pay off/down my debt and to finally be debt free is an honor to me. I could potentially go out and buy my own house within a year.... Part of me want to just break up with him and be a proud homeowner on my own and without his baggage and without him in my life... The other part of me wants to work this out. Do I give him a year and see how far he can get/hope he can pull it together....or is this a losing battle? Thoughts? P.S. This truck hobby is not going away....ever. I know this for certain as we have talked about it. He tells me he is only needing to do "a few more things" to the trucks...I feel that he will never be satiated and will always want the newest, biggest, better a, b or c for them and will always be needing some big ticket item or another.... Do I give him the benefit of the doubt for one more year and watch and see as action speaks louder than words. Or cut my losses now? Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectLee Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I can tell you from past experience, I'm a former bank manager, that a future marriage with this guy cannot work until you both agree on the financial situations. Everyone has hobbies, some people have addictions too, but you can't spend the next few years balancing your checkbook & memorizing whether he can/cannot pay his debts. $4k in personal debt? Not bad. The average person owns 3 Credit Cards & is $8-9k in debt. I'm no marriage expert, but I know that most marriages end because of financial problems. From past experience, I can tell you that it doesn't matter how much a person makes. I can guarantee you that the more money a person makes, if they don't respect the dollar, they tend to spend more, resulting in more debt because they "think" they're money will take care of them. In actuality, you must take care of your money. I don't know what state you live in, and from all the news lately, I hear it's a good time to buy a home depending. If you're ready, go for it. Maybe after you purchase it, he'll realize you were dead serious. Life isn't a game, emotionally or financially, this isn't a game of Monopoly where you can purchase property & sell it, trade it and a few hours later you tally up your money to see who wins. Hobbies are exactly that. A hobby. It should never become an obsession where you hide or deny how much money you've spent. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Or cut my losses now? Having seen friends that were not on the same page as their spouse when it comes to hobby/passion/addiction (golf, electronics, car and truck racing, etc.), I know the friction it can cause. And that leads to the obvious question - why would you want to commit to someone whose priorities are so different from yours? It will only get worse as kids and other financial demands enter the picture so I'd think long and hard before you went any further. He should have the right to do what he wants - it's his money, right? - but so should you. Doesn't sound like you can do that together... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 All told he owes over $30,000 in credit card debts plus his truck payment and another loan for his trailer. On my end...I owe about $4,000 in debt total and with my tax refund will be debt free in about 3 months. He sounds irresponsible, and worse than that: he seems to be indifferent to his financial plight. What makes you think he's going to change??? By your own admission he's always going to have the truck addiction. Yuck. I'd get out of that situation, for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 It's a catch 22. I understand his passion. It would be like if he asked me to give up golf or volleyball, I would have a very difficult time with that request and he would never expect me to give those things up. The thing is...golf and volleyball don't cost me thousands of dollars. I even ask for gift cards for when I need new golf gear. His truck hobbies are such a huge part of who he is and everyone that is involved in this sport/hobby is always talking about adding this or that and upping the power etc...adding whatever new fangled thing to them It's like he "needs" to keep up with the big boys (insecurities?) and it makes him feel respected/cool/good about himself to have the baddest truck and win all the truck events. Big ego boost. Maybe he is just one of those guys that will never "grow up" per se. He is so mature and smart in so many ways, has a very good college education and high paying white collar job, but the other side of him is all trucks/mud/engines= Big $$. Thing is where I live there are alot of first time homebuyer programs esp. for single parents. (I have a child from my ex). I could qualify for a house and get one, and he could move in to "my" house, but wouldn't that kind of be "enabling" him and his addiction and essentially letting him "get off easy" I mean, if I get down to zero debt, get a house and he still owes 25,000 plus his 40,000 truck payment(850+a month) how is that fair? I don't know...he IS working overtime as we speak, maybe he is trying....I just don't know how he can do it as he is paying $200+ just in interest on one of the credit cards...I spoke to him about taking the CD and paying it down, or calling the cc. companies/lower the interest or possibly transfering to a 0% interest rate/new card. But...nothing as of yet. (aside from working overtime) Things are good in other areas of our relationship....but, this feels like I am being "held back" for lack of a better word. I do love him, but this is a BIG and difficult pill to swallow....esp. since I was told initially another $5-6,000 this year on the trucks and it was double that... Link to post Share on other sites
Trecherized Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 have a really good sit down discussion with him. my ex and i had the same problem. her addiction was buying thousand dollar purses. i gave her a year and it just got worse. now im glad that her name is not on the house. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 If you marry this guy, buy a house with him etc, his debt becomes your debt. This must be sorted out before you buy anything. Before you even start looking. This is not some normal hobby which is harmless. This can have a direct impact on your future together, and it hasn't even occured to him to straighten it out. It will not be a nice feeling to see your house taken away when he can no longer keep up with the payments for his debt. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 His truck hobbies are such a huge part of who he is and everyone that is involved in this sport/hobby is always talking about adding this or that and upping the power etc...adding whatever new fangled thing to them It's like he "needs" to keep up with the big boys (insecurities?) and it makes him feel respected/cool/good about himself to have the baddest truck and win all the truck events. Big ego boost. Maybe he is just one of those guys that will never "grow up" per se. He is so mature and smart in so many ways, has a very good college education and high paying white collar job, but the other side of him is all trucks/mud/engines= Big $$. He should be free to pursue his interests. He's a grown man, spending his own money, making his own choices. And if you somehow force him to give all that up, he'll only end up resenting you. You two simply aren't at the same place in life. It's not a question of right and wrong, there's simply not much overlap in what you both want. I know it's hard, but it would be foolish (and probably dangerous to your financial health and future) to include him in your plans. At least that's the way it looks from here ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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