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Wife doesn't understand my friendship


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My wife and I are having some issues right now. You have all heard about my friend who is trying to get me to divorce my wife. Well my wife knows of his intentions and she was sort of getting mad at me because I hang out with him nearly every other night. He lives across the street and my wife can't understand why I would be buddy buddy with a guy that is trying to destroy my marriage. I understand why she feels this way because many good relationships have been destroyed because of a woman's manhating friends but I know my friend is hurting and I take it with a grain of salt. Besides this he is a good guy and I enjoy hanging out with him. What can I do to make my wife understand that he is not endangering our marriage?

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OMG the guy is totally disrespecting your wife and your M......

 

You chose this woman as your partner and he is stating that you are a dumbass for doing so. (in so many words)

 

Make new friends.

 

Imagine how you would feel if your wife was hanging out with a woman like this all the time.

 

I cannot believe you would allow such disrespect.... really, I thought you were a loyal guy.

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I would sit the two of them down and let them duke it out. Why get trapped in the middle of this? You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't and not only from your wife but also from your friend.

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OMG the guy is totally disrespecting your wife and your M......

 

You chose this woman as your partner and he is stating that you are a dumbass for doing so. (in so many words)

 

Make new friends.

 

Imagine how you would feel if your wife was hanging out with a woman like this all the time.

 

I cannot believe you would allow such disrespect.... really, I thought you were a loyal guy.

 

His wife who he thought loved him cheated on him and threw him out to dry so I understand where his bitterness is coming from. As skewed as it is he is being a true friend because he doesn't want to see me get hurt like he was.

His heart is in the right place even if he is not being logical.

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His wife who he thought loved him cheated on him and threw him out to dry so I understand where his bitterness is coming from. As skewed as it is he is being a true friend because he doesn't want to see me get hurt like he was.

His heart is in the right place even if he is not being logical.

 

Well perhaps you should convey that his disrespect for you choice in partners is noted but to please stop.

 

Honestly a good friend would not try to tear you down regardless of how much they might have been hurt.

 

Your M is not his. Each is unique.

You have a great person Woggle..... your wife.... if she is hurting you need to deal with it. Does she deserve this sort of "treatment" from your friend? What did she do to him?

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My wife did nothing to him but it is not personal. Put any woman in her place and he would feel the same.

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My wife did nothing to him but it is not personal. Put any woman in her place and he would feel the same.

 

Obviously this is hurting your wife...... not just any woman.

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Look woggle, both people are pressuring you to do something you don't want to do. Your friend is a friend, your wife is your wife. You owe them both loyalty but not at the expense of getting rid of the other.

 

Just suggest that if your friend wants to talk to your wife and get it off his chest he is welcome to do so. Say the same thing to your wife, if she wants to say something, she can say it to his face.

 

Stop being the booby prize in the middle of the power struggle.

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Guessing if he called the W a fatass ugly whore a man might stand up to his friend vs. a less obvious attack on her character as a person.

 

Woggle I think your friend makes you feel safe by bolstering your "evil women" beliefs.

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It's not that he makes me feel safe but I believe in helping a man in need. I don't agree with his views but that doesn't mean that I let a friend down. I havbeen there for friends going through drug addiction but I have never wanted to to do drugs myself so why would I be influenced by a man who still has fresh wounds from being betrayed? My wife so far has never nagged me about my friends or going out or any of that and I am afraid that it is starting already and there is going to be some friction if she starts trying to tell me what to do and who I can and can't be friends with.

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Damn it woggle, you're not looking for a solution. You're looking for a way to vent about your wife and how she wants to control you because she's a woman.

 

How did I know it would end up this way?

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Damn it woggle, you're not looking for a solution. You're looking for a way to vent about your wife and how she wants to control you because she's a woman.

 

How did I know it would end up this way?

 

I am looking for a solution and this is a real fear of mine. I am looking for a way to respectfully assure her that she can trust me and she has nothing to worry about because abandoning my friend is not an option.

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It's not that he makes me feel safe but I believe in helping a man in need. I don't agree with his views but that doesn't mean that I let a friend down. I havbeen there for friends going through drug addiction but I have never wanted to to do drugs myself so why would I be influenced by a man who still has fresh wounds from being betrayed? My wife so far has never nagged me about my friends or going out or any of that and I am afraid that it is starting already and there is going to be some friction if she starts trying to tell me what to do and who I can and can't be friends with.

 

Woggle this isn't all about you!

Your wife is being hurt by a guy that you are friends with.

I am not sure what she is or is not aware of.

Did she tell that its her or him or did she tell you that she is not happy with his words and actions towards her and your M?

 

Who is a better asset to you the friend or the wife?

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I am looking for a solution and this is a real fear of mine. I am looking for a way to respectfully assure her that she can trust me and she has nothing to worry about because abandoning my friend is not an option.

 

and having a "friend" that attempts to railroad your M should not be an option either.

 

Do what you want..... your M will end once your W figures out how deep your issues are. Not by her hand but your own.

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She didn't give me an ultimatum but she keeps getting on my case about hanging out with him. She knows that he wants me to leave her so we can be players together but I tell her it's just crazy talk from him and I tae it with a grain of salt. I see the look in her eyes whenever I go to his place and I know she doesn't like it. I understand why she is worried but she has nothing to worry about.

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She didn't give me an ultimatum but she keeps getting on my case about hanging out with him. She knows that he wants me to leave her so we can be players together but I tell her it's just crazy talk from him and I tae it with a grain of salt. I see the look in her eyes whenever I go to his place and I know she doesn't like it. I understand why she is worried but she has nothing to worry about.

 

Keep it up...... she will leave you. Your wish will be granted.

 

keep hanging with people that disrespect her and your M..... fine way to show a person that you care about them. Fine way to show how much your R with her matters to you.

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I am looking for a solution and this is a real fear of mine. I am looking for a way to respectfully assure her that she can trust me and she has nothing to worry about because abandoning my friend is not an option.

If you recall, a few months ago, he was a threat to your marriage and could still well be, if your mindset reverts backwards.

 

This is exactly why I suggested the two get together and find some kind of compromise or at minimum, guarded respect.

 

You need to find a permanent solution to this problem. All the reassurance you give her, will only last until the next time she sees some form of behaviour of yours, that can be attributed to hanging out with your friend.

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My wife did nothing to him but it is not personal. Put any woman in her place and he would feel the same.

And Woggle, put any spouse - man or woman - in her place and that spouse would feel the same as she does.

 

Her primary fear isn't that it she is suffering some personal insult, it's a fear of his effect and potential influence on you.

 

My wife so far has never nagged me about my friends or going out or any of that and I am afraid that it is starting already and there is going to be some friction if she starts trying to tell me what to do and who I can and can't be friends with.

And yet, you accept, excuse, and even defend the same treatment towards you from your friend? He's nagging you about your wife and he's trying to tell you what to do and who you shouldn't be married to. And you defend it, claiming his heart is in the right place, and that he just doesn't want to see you get hurt. Man friend: good guy. Wife and life partner: nagger.

 

...why would I be influenced by a man who still has fresh wounds from being betrayed?

Do I really need to do this?

 

If I don't look for trouble right now then eventually it will sneak up on me. A couple of friends and I were at Olive Garden last night and this couple at another table were fighting horribly. A friend of mine who is going through a divorce told me that is the future of my marriage and the other guy seemed to agree.

Now let's check in with Woggle on the very next day:

The fact is that I do love her and no matter how strong I think I am I will be very hurt if she did walk out so I figure might as well just end it right now before she can hurt me. The walkaway wife thing is an epidemic these days and the women that don't walk seem to despise their husbands so why would I be naive enough to somehow think my marriage will beat the odds? That is why I am thinking of doing a preemptive divorce before she leaves me.

This was a little crisis you went through, less than 3 months ago. I know you managed to peel yourself off the ceiling, and you've sounded generally more grounded since then, but don't you think she might be just a little bit skittish, waiting for the next storm? And yes, I know you've hidden some amount of this from her, but you think she doesn't know? And whatever amount remains hidden is probably just a further source of uncertainty for her - "what else is he still not telling me?"

 

I am looking for a way to respectfully assure her that she can trust me and she has nothing to worry about because abandoning my friend is not an option.

Given your past crises, how could you possibly say any one thing to convince her she has nothing to worry about? She needs your actions, and time, and she needs to see that she is a priority in your life, and that you have the will and strength to protect yourself and your marriage, both day-to-day, and in the long run.

 

Here's the thing I'm worried about, and if your wife knows of your history and feelings about marriage, no matter how much you've tried to hide them from her, she probably has at least an inkling of the same fear:

 

Even if he is a disrespecting drag on your energy, you take it as a firm stance - almost a universal imperative - that abandoning your friend is not an option. Period. However, leaving your wife has always been an option, hasn't it? One that you insist upon reserving for yourself, one that you jump back to whenever things get tense or when "your mindset reverts backwards" as TBF put it.

 

You think she doesn't get this?

 

I have been there for friends going through drug addiction but I have never wanted to to do drugs myself so why would I be influenced by a man who still has fresh wounds from being betrayed?

Because you do still have unhealed wounds from being betrayed - you have suffered, and still bear some of the scars from that very nasty drug, Woggle - which makes the drug addiction analogy a very different one. Jeez, Woggle, if you had done crack and were clean but still struggling to stay that way, I sure as heck wouldn't want you hanging out with an addict friend who was in trouble and was trying to convince you to use again. Wouldn't that be just crazy? I'd suggest you get him help as a friend, yes, but decide where your priorities lie, and keep your distance for your own safety. There's your drug addiction analogy.

 

Maybe he is a man in need, maybe he is the devil whispering in your ear. How come he gets a pass for not wanting to see you get hurt (while encouraging you to do something you don't want to do) and she is a "nag" for the same thing (while fighting a proven threat, to maintain what could be a healthy marriage; see the Oct, 2007 comments above.) Why does he merit your loyalty and she doesn't?

 

If the situation were reversed, if your wife had been badly hurt before you knew her, was still suffering the effects from it, and was "being a friend" to a woman going through a similarly rough time who was feeding her "feminist" drivel about how she should be leaving you now, how she could get out clean and live the good bachelorette life, what the heck would you think? Would you think there was nothing to worry about? Would you accept that your wife would absolutely not distance herself from another woman in need, no matter what the threat to your marriage or your feelings about it? Would you not feel any uncertainty, discomfort, or threat? Would you not feel you were second priority? Really?

Edited by Trimmer
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SpanksTheMonkey

Ok I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe the W should be more trusting of there M and him a bit no? I mean I can honestly see it from bouth sides of the fence kinda. Not that I've ever been M but I have been in relashionships were the bf dident care for cirtin friends. If its that simple then they need to deal with the fact there your friend and let it end there. But not if they are openly disrespectfull that is something compleatly diffrent. I personaly wouldent tollrate that from eather side. Sounds like your friend is bitter maybe but he wantes you to leave her so you guys can go be players?? dosen't sound like hes all that broken up inside honestly sorry. Are you happy with your W and M? dose he know that and say these things anyways? If so then hes not as great a friend as you think but just a jilted jelous guy who wantes his buddy back reguardless of how it may afect your life. Hope I havent offended you at all.. Look you can still be friends maybe but I would sit him down and tell him stright that talking about your M or even more so your W in that way is not excatable to you. Maybe even do that in front of your W let them get there issues out in the open. Unless it is ok with you of course how he disrespects your W and M then in that case you need to start rethinking a few things! But I agree if you keep going the exact way you are your M will be history in a few monthes no sane women wantes a man who won't try to stand up for her on some level!

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And Woggle, put any spouse - man or woman - in her place and that spouse would feel the same as she does.

 

Her primary fear isn't that it she is suffering some personal insult, it's a fear of his effect and potential influence on you.

 

 

And yet, you accept, excuse, and even defend the same treatment towards you from your friend? He's nagging you about your wife and he's trying to tell you what to do and who you shouldn't be married to. And you defend it, claiming his heart is in the right place, and that he just doesn't want to see you get hurt. Man friend: good guy. Wife and life partner: nagger.

 

This is some of the wisest most personalize advice you're going to get Woggle. How can you say this friend of your's is harmless? I've seen you get revved up up by an inexperienced 20 year old running on fear. You didn't even need to know the guy.

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I broke off a friendship once because this person used to ask me probing questions that were quite offensive. She was looking for the "chink in the armor" of my marriage. I didn't appreciate it. I didn't feel that her best interests were with me. Your friend's sure as hell aren't.

 

I mean, you're happy with your wife, right? He's trying to bust that up. How is this guy a friend? Anyone who is not a friend of your MARRIAGE, isn't really a friend.

 

And maybe you know by now that I'm no man-hater. I'm one of the "good women" like your wife. I love and respect my H. I'm not perfect by any means but I love my H and I'm always striving to treat him the way he deserves to be.

 

That said, if he ever was a good friend to someone who was not a friend of the marriage, I'd damn well have a problem with it. But that's something he'd never do. He sure as hell would see that friendship as being disrespectful and disloyal to me.

 

Why would you treat your wife this way? She's done nothing but treat you well yet you continue to go over there, knowing how she feels. Good marriages sometimes call for sacrifices. Are you willing to make this sacrifice? Doesn't she ever make sacrifices for you? Doesn't she ever compromise?

 

Grow up, Wog. She deserves your loyalty and respect.

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Dude, I can understand that you want to be there for your friends who ever they are BUT, it makes me wonder if you go over there and he feeds your fire.

 

You've made it darn well clear how you feel about women and marriages. I'd be worried myself if I was married to you.

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He used to fuel my fire but not anymore. The man just had everything he believed in and everything he thought was true stomped on and thrown in the trash. He just got his niceguy wakeup call so of course he is bitter but I think he will eventually move on. Too many men in his situation are alone and have nobody to turn to so I want him to know that he does have somebody. He will eventually come out the other end a stronger person but in the meantime I listen to his rants and take them with a grain of salt. Most women here would be there for a friend who was recently betrayed and was bitter towards men as a result. They would also resent their husband trying to come in between it as well.

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He used to fuel my fire but not anymore. The man just had everything he believed in and everything he thought was true stomped on and thrown in the trash. He just got his niceguy wakeup call so of course he is bitter but I think he will eventually move on. Too many men in his situation are alone and have nobody to turn to so I want him to know that he does have somebody. He will eventually come out the other end a stronger person but in the meantime I listen to his rants and take them with a grain of salt. Most women here would be there for a friend who was recently betrayed and was bitter towards men as a result. They would also resent their husband trying to come in between it as well.

 

This friend isn't just ranting about women in general. He is directing his anger at your wife and your marriage. He wants you to be as angry and scared as he is. He WANTS you in the same boat sinking with him. He is a hater. I would not resent my partner if they felt disrespected by this. I would show my partner solidarity and tell my friend to stop or I won't be around much. What your friend is doing is not simply venting about women. If he were, I don't think your wife would be as upset. You are always on here talking about women loyal or honest. How are you showing that you are loyal as a husband by sticking by your disrespectful friend. And how does your wife even know the things your friend says about her? It just seems like he talks a mess about her and gets you so worried that you have to bring it to her. If what he says has no effect on you, why did she need to know these hurtful things were being said about her? Did he ever say them to her face?

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This is a no brainer...

 

Step 1 : Dump the friend.. he isn't acting like your friend..

 

Step 2 : Continue your good marriage with your wife.

 

Step 3 : Find more friends that consider you a friend as well as respect your wife.

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