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Husband not interested in sex but watches porn all the time


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I have been with my husband for 10 years and his sex drive has been decreasing since a few years ago. Now, we are doing it like once in a few months time. Even when we do have sex, he couldn't seem to ejaculate 90% of the time. He said he was just tired but I'm really not sure, why does he feel tired so often? It's really depressing, we're not even thirty years old yet.

 

To make things worse, he doesn't want to have sex but he watches porn all the time. He doesn't know that I know and he has refused to admit everytime I try to ask.

 

I just don't get it. He loves porn so that means he does have sex drive. Then why doesn't he want to have sex with me? Does that mean that he's no longer attracted to me? I believe he truly loves me but at the rate things are going, I'm just not sure when he will "graduate" from porn into more serious stuffs like phone sex or even a real affair.

 

Somehow, I get the feeling that porn is destroying our sex live. Cause porn is always so new and exciting, as compared to having sex with the same old me. HELP!!! What should I do now???

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I'm not so sure that porn is the cause, but rather, a symptom. This has the tone of someone that isn't physically attracted to you. I'm not saying this to be mean, but if when you do have sex he doesn't finish...hmmm. That's very likely an attraction issue. Are you much different now that when you married?

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Maybe he has watched so much porn he has become desenitized to having sex with a real human person. Maybe that is no longer good enough for him, and has lost touch with what a real loving intimate realtionship is supposed to be about?

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How about a compromise?

 

Tell him he can watch porn while you have sex. I bet he goes for it. I know I would, and I did, with my stbxw.

 

I used to do whatever the actors were doing. Its exciting, and good exercise! Be prepared for a lot of position changes.

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How about a compromise?

 

Tell him he can watch porn while you have sex. I bet he goes for it. I know I would, and I did, with my stbxw.

 

I used to do whatever the actors were doing. Its exciting, and good exercise! Be prepared for a lot of position changes.

 

 

So that's how your tooth got knocked out. :p;)

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So that's how your tooth got knocked out. :p;)

 

Yes, they went from 69 to doggie style on the TV, I was rushing to catch up, tripped over the dog and smashed into my wife's fist by mistake.

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It's probably ED. JackJack is right when he says that desensitization can be causal. Although, he needs a medical work-up to be on the safe side.

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Tell him he can watch porn while you have sex. I bet he goes for it. I know I would, and I did, with my stbxw.

 

Wiser.. Your divorcing your STBXW.. so it must've not been that great of an idea :)

 

magzye,

The porn is a symptom of an under lying issue..

I think you need to discuss this thing first out in the open and if it doesn't help and you still want to work it out then you both need to be in some marriage counseling.

 

You need to find out why he does what he does.. since there could be a thousand reasons.

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Wiser.. Your divorcing your STBXW.. so it must've not been that great of an idea

 

You're making a dangerous assumption. That because I'm getting divorced, anything I say that I did with my stbxw should be discounted because the marriage crashed and burned.

 

In fact, the sex was the best part, right until the end.

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You're making a dangerous assumption. That because I'm getting divorced, anything I say that I did with my stbxw should be discounted because the marriage crashed and burned.

 

In fact, the sex was the best part, right until the end.

 

I'm not making any assumptions that aren't very visible.. they are there for me to see..

 

Did you ever think that things might have turned out differently if you had realized your watching porn might have been a symptom of another issue and that by fixing the underlying issue things would've changed ?

I mean by putting the bandaid of having her watch the porn with you just helped cover the issue up instead of bringing it out in the open..

 

Okay.. that was an assumption :).. but a good one...

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I'm not making any assumptions that aren't very visible.. they are there for me to see..

 

Did you ever think that things might have turned out differently if you had realized your watching porn might have been a symptom of another issue and that by fixing the underlying issue things would've changed

 

The problems in our marriage were not related to sex. If the sex life was bad, and watching porn was the only way to fix it then you might be right. We watched porn (on occasion), to spice it up a bit. I would think there are many happily married couples that indulge in pornography. I don't think it's a symptom of a problem with the marriage if the sex life is good.

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Krytie... it's ok, I won't be offended. It could be an attraction issue. I mean, I don't feel that he's sexually attracted to me but I could tell he really love me fore sure. Having said that, we used to be going at it like rabbits when we were first going out and no, I haven't changed much. Older, yes, but not changed much.

 

I really dunno whether he's desensitized or it's ED. To tell him that I know that he has been watching porn would mean that he'll know that I've been snooping around. That will be disastrous, he will just be more careful next time. I just don't think that he'll give up porn just because I ask.

 

If it's ED, does it mean that he should be having problem finishing it even if he's just going off by watching porn? When we have sex and he couldn't finish it, sometimes he could ejaculate by jacking off. I used to think that it was a stamina problem but it sure sound like desensitizaton now.

 

For the time being, I think I'll try to make sure he won't have the opportunity to watch porn and try to have more fun sex with him (if he allows, that's it). It's so sad that I've been rejected so many times. Cheating does cross my mind at times. I mean, if he won't do it, I'm sure many others will. This sucks.

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I really dunno whether he's desensitized or it's ED. To tell him that I know that he has been watching porn would mean that he'll know that I've been snooping around. That will be disastrous, he will just be more careful next time. I just don't think that he'll give up porn just because I ask.

 

Re read the last line in your paragraph. If he wont give it up because you ask then it goes deeper than just porn viewing. Maybe he a real addiction? If that is the case, then no amount of asking or begging will probably make him stop. You might want to think about whats more important, him knowing you snooped, or trying to help him if he does infact have a problem, and possibly helping to save your relationship.

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If it's ED, does it mean that he should be having problem finishing it even if he's just going off by watching porn?

 

There's a difference between erectile dysfunction and total impotence, so yeah, he may be successfully reach orgasm through masturbation or even occasionally by vaginal penetration and still be diagnosed with ED. A doppler study measuring blood flow is your best bet. ;)

 

It really is important to have a medical diagnosis though, because ED can be indicative of other underlying medical issues like diabetes or hypertension.

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DazedandConfused66
I have been with my husband for 10 years and his sex drive has been decreasing since a few years ago. Now, we are doing it like once in a few months time. Even when we do have sex, he couldn't seem to ejaculate 90% of the time. He said he was just tired but I'm really not sure, why does he feel tired so often? It's really depressing, we're not even thirty years old yet.

 

To make things worse, he doesn't want to have sex but he watches porn all the time. He doesn't know that I know and he has refused to admit everytime I try to ask.

 

I just don't get it. He loves porn so that means he does have sex drive. Then why doesn't he want to have sex with me? Does that mean that he's no longer attracted to me? I believe he truly loves me but at the rate things are going, I'm just not sure when he will "graduate" from porn into more serious stuffs like phone sex or even a real affair.

 

Somehow, I get the feeling that porn is destroying our sex live. Cause porn is always so new and exciting, as compared to having sex with the same old me. HELP!!! What should I do now???

 

First off, men (well MOST men anyways) don't "watch" porn. They "use" porn. And the way they "use" porn is to fuel their visual nature for sexual stimulation via watching women (and sometimes men) having sex on screen. And they don't just use porn by watching it. That would lead to an erection. And that almost always leads to sexual release. If he's not getting it with you, then he's masturbating in secret.

 

There are a lot of reasons why he would be using porn and masturbation as a means of sexual gratification rather than having sex with you. It could be physical attraction, you don't give enough information to tell there. But if he is watching porn in secret, it's to meet his sexual needs in secret as well....and without your help.

 

As a married man, it's wrong to deny your wife sex as it's part of the relationship. But if he is denying you sex by masturbating to porn (and IMO he almost assuredly is) it's almost certain to be a lack of overall intimacy with you. Emotional and physical intimacy.

 

How is your communication overall? Are you having date nights and/or spending time together other than in the bedroom? Are you "engaged" with one anothers' lives or has it become more like a couple of roommates living together? The fact that he has time to view porn in secret tends to tell me you aren't spending a lot of "quality" time OUTSIDE the bedroom (or in it for that matter).

 

My advice is to examine the overall non-sexual intimacy of the relationship first.....if you get that part fixed, great sex is a natural outcome. And you will also find the porn viewing in secret just going away on it's own. It's a symptom of a deeper issue, not the root cause of your sexless marriage.

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I would say that DazedandConfused is neither dazed nor confused...

 

I totally agree with this. I have been living with a very similar situation with my H and we are working on it but still have very far to go.

 

My H never looked at porn THAT much but definitely as a complete substitute for me. I am working very hard to get him to open up but haven't yet...we are in counseling and both like the counselor so I am still very hopeful but progress is difficult and slow.

 

One question I have is, do you have any way of knowing whether he has a history of excessive porn/masturbation behavior? If he has turned to porn because of the lack of intimacy in your relationship and the simple sexual boredom that arises from that, then I think it is an easier problem to fix than if he has some level of "porn addiction", which is also possible.

Also, what do you know about his past relationship history?

 

My H had never had a really LTR when I came along. This has not all come out into the open yet, but after much analysis, my feeling is that his lack of R experience left him unable to forge a truly intimate relationship. His history was of short-term stuff, punctuated by long periods of masturbation. When the "honeymoon" ended for us, he turned back in this direction because he did not know what else to do. This was easy and somehow comfortable for him. I am fighting like a tiger to get him to open up to me and work towards the intimate relationship we should have...and for me the question is, is the problem that he is AFRAID of it, or that he really does not want it? That's the answer I am looking for...

 

In the end, what you are going to have to do is have a talk with him. You say that he does not know you know about the porn yet that you have broached the topic with him.. How DO you know he is looking at it? Anyway, as others said, it itself is probably not the real issue, unless it is an addiction, and need not be the focus of your discussion.

 

When you try to talk with him, you should phrase things in terms of your feelings (use "I" instead of "you") and avoid accusations, judgments, blame, etc. That will just put him on the defensive. Tell him that you miss the intimacy you once shared, that it makes you feel that he no longer desires you, and that you would like to understand his feelings and whether he thinks the two of you could work together to improve this aspect of your relationship. If he gives you a pat answer like he is just tired, and he does desire you even though his actions suggest otherwise...then you probably need to accept that, at least at first, and just move on to trying to let him know what you need from him and asking if you can get it! Such requests should be made without seeming like an order or ultimatum, more like, well I would really like it if we could go out together once a week, or if we could have alone time in bed, even if we just talk and relax, or if there is some specific sex act you'd like to try, etc. and see if he would also like it. The more specific things you can say, the better...otherwise you are leaving him feeling pressured to read your mind, and believe me, he won't do that right.

 

Barring the addiction thing, it is definitely a statement on the overall intimacy of your relationship. Like my H, he is probably either terrified of intimacy, or is kinda free-wheeling and selfish and doesn't really want it. It might not be an easy question to get an answer to, but I think that is the answer you need to pursue. MC might help with that, if he is willing...

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To tell him that I know that he has been watching porn would mean that he'll know that I've been snooping around. That will be disastrous, he will just be more careful next time. I just don't think that he'll give up porn just because I ask.

 

You won't be honest about your snooping, he won't be honest about his use of porn... You two have to get things out in the open. It's okay for him to use porn (in general, not as a substitute for you), but it seems he feels ashamed and/or that you'll get upset, otherwise why would he hide it? He needs to know that the porn is okay, but he also needs to be willing to talk about and work on your sexual relationship.

 

If his problem is ED, he could still be able to achieve orgasm through masturbation, even though he can't during intercourse. I had this experience myself when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure.

 

If he doesn't have ED, then it's bad news for how he views you right now. Even if he doesn't find you attractive, he should be able to reach orgasm by visualizing something arousing in his mind. An inability to do this could mean that there is a deeper emotional issue that is getting in the way. Is there any reason he might feel negatively toward you?

 

As for this notion of desensitization, I don't buy it. I've watched TONS of porn in my life, and my wife will attest to the fact that I'm still just as much of a horndog with her as ever! Pictures can never take the place of a real woman.

 

For the time being, I think I'll try to make sure he won't have the opportunity to watch porn and try to have more fun sex with him (if he allows, that's it).
More fun sex is good, but if you don't identify and resolve the underlying problem in your marriage that brought you to this point, trying to prevent him from using porn is just going to get him aggravated.
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I pretty much agree with michaelk

I empathize with your husband because I would sometimes rather watch porn than have sex with my wife. Not because I am not attracted to her, I'm very attracted to her, but because I want to see some kinkier sex.

For a long time, I wouldn't express my sexual desires to her (to scared of her opinions of them), and so I kept to myself so to speak. Had a lot of ED issues then too. Mostly because I would be thinking about telling her about my desires during sex, would assume her reactions to them, I'd get depressed, and lose the hard-on.

Now I talk about my desires and she listens.

Of course our desires don't match up, so I use porn to fullfill fantasies that are nor being fullfilled in my relationship.

Just talking about it all helps me to seperate fantasy from my relationship, so I am no longer having ED issues (unless I'm too drunk or something). Still very rarely now.

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Thanks for all the replies, it helps me to see things more clearly. I used to think that he was just tired, and I knew he had to be masturbating somehow but when I found out that he has been watching porn, I just feel like crying. I feel really really upset.

 

There's no intimacy issue (aside from sex) in our relationship. We kiss, hug, hold hands and be together almost all the time. Then how does he able to view porn? When I take a shower, when I sleep earlier then him and early in the morning before he goes to work! I feel so angry and ashamed!!! It's like he just had to have it, even for a few minutes! If that's not addiction, I don't know what is!

 

I was away from home for 2 months a while back and when I got back, I realized that he was watching porn almost every single day during the time I was away. And it started the very night I flew off. And when I looked deeper, I found out that he had been watching porn all along without me realizing it. After I came back, the porn thing has became more serious than before. Before he used to watch it once in a while, now he has to have it even for just a mere few minutes. Last night when I said I was to take a shower, his eyes lighted up and true enough, he was watching porn when I was in the shower. I want to puke now.

 

I knew he used to view porn before we got together. I was ok with it, seriously. I even joked about his porn collection. I was ok with it but not when he's hiding from me and I really think he's addicted now!

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I really want to make it work. I even tried my best to have sex with him last night even though I felt like puking everytime I think about his porn stuffs. I practically attacked him the moment he came out of shower despite knowing that he had just viewed porn and could have been masturbating in the shower.

 

As expected, he obliged but not willing. He was just laying on the bed, eyes close, saying he was tired. I almost gave up then. It's as though he's saying we can have sex if you're going to do all the work. And that's what I did. I did all the work. He did came last nite and I think he did enjoy it. I just don't know whether this will help our problem and how long I can last doing this with all the poison in my mind.

 

I couldn't sleep well and woke up early, fearing that he would be viewing porn in the morning. He didn't get a chance. When I talk to him, I couldn't stop myself and asked him why he was watching porn and told him how I think that's affecting our sex lives. As expected, he denied. Denied and denied. I wish I could make him talk, wish I could suggest going to see a counselor but with his kind of responses, there's no way he's going to cooperate.

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You can't be afraid to meet the conflict. Conflict is an opportunity for negotiation. ;)

 

Look at it this way, without consequences, there is no impetus for your husband to reevaluate his behavior. The guy needs to know that, as a consequence of his current choices, he's causing resentment to build within the marriage.

 

Resentment is like a slow poison, which will eventually destroy your relationship if left to it's own devices. A better answer is to work together in finding a compromise that you can BOTH be excited about.

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DazedandConfused66

There's no intimacy issue (aside from sex) in our relationship. We kiss, hug, hold hands and be together almost all the time.

 

You list physical attributes of intimacy (touching) but I still see plenty of intimacy issues in the M based on your posts.

 

1) You can't talk openly with him about his porn viewing habits.

2) He feels the need to hide his porn viewing habit from you and to masturbate in private rather than make love to you.

3) You have had to leave home for 2 months...why? Work related? Family issues?

4) You are emotionally hurting inside....but you can't talk about it with him and he's not noticing it on his own.

 

Intimacy is different for everyone, but if you do not have an open and trusting M where you can discuss anything without getting defensive and sniping, then the intimacy isn't "fine" in the least.

 

At this point, I think you should consider what LJ just said. He needs to know you are hurting and needs to know there are consequences for his actions. I'd start by telling him that you know about his porn viewing (still not sure HOW you know) and it's tearing you up inside and you'd like to attend MC together and get a professional to help you work through this. He will likely freak out...which is fine, let him. At least then you both aren't throwing around the emotional landmines and waiting for it to blow up into something else. You've already mentioned having worries that his porn habit will graduate into something else...he should know that. And he should also know that, loud and clear, your needs aren't being met sexually and you married him and chose him SPECIFICALLY to meet those needs and he's abdicating his responsibility to you.

 

Really....conflict is the only way to get thru this. Ignoring it isn't going to help.

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I understand you're very upset by all this, but be careful how you think about the porn. If there mere idea of him watching porn is making you feel sick, then you're not in a place to be understanding about it, and he will continue to hide it from you. No matter how hard it is, you need to remember that the porn is not bad, so he can learn to be open about it. What's bad here is the unknown thing that's driving him away from sex with you. Talk to him and figure out what that thing is and you'll be on your way.

 

I was ok with it but not when he's hiding from me and I really think he's addicted now!

 

Also be careful before you classify this as an addiction. All healthy men are "addicted" to sexual fantasy and orgasm, and porn just feeds this. But in most cases this "addiction" is just the biological urge we naturally have. Chances are he doesn't have an actual addiction. It's more likely he just has a strong sex drive and is channeling it into porn.

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...you need to remember that the porn is not bad...

 

Not everyone would agree with you on that. And those who don't, have as much right to their belief as you do.

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I understand you're very upset by all this, but be careful how you think about the porn.

 

No matter how hard it is, you need to remember that the porn is not bad, so he can learn to be open about it. What's bad here is the unknown thing that's driving him away from sex with you. Talk to him and figure out what that thing is and you'll be on your way.

 

 

Also be careful before you classify this as an addiction. All healthy men are "addicted" to sexual fantasy and orgasm, and porn just feeds this. But in most cases this "addiction" is just the biological urge we naturally have. Chances are he doesn't have an actual addiction. It's more likely he just has a strong sex drive and is channeling it into porn.

 

Totally wrong based on years of research...not mine. I am going to go against the grain and say that...porn IS the problem and NOT the symptom. Truthfully, it makes ME mad when I hear that his addiction is being somehow made your problem. It is his problem...and I say that as a guy who has dealt with such a problem. Porn use that is done occasionally and not done as a replacement for a wife may be somehow considered okay, but porn as the only way a man can "enjoy" sex is not okay....it is the mistress.

 

It most certainly is not because he has some unusual high sex drive. If that were the case, the he would still want sex with his wife. Porn is not some biological urge we men all have. As a guy who has watched plenty of porn and know that the more you watch, the more you want, I can say that when you quit watching it, then you become more attracted to real women and less attracted to the sexually hungry gorgeous unreal women in porn. Research has shown this to be true with most men.

 

When a married man places his porn ahead of intimacy with his wife, then he has an addiction. Porn is not a substitute for his lack of attraction for his wife. It is a replacement for his wife. If he masturbates to porn when a willing woman is waiting, then his enjoyment comes from the "easy" and non-participatory sex in porn versus the interactive lovemaking with a real woman.

 

What type of porn does he watch? Is it men/men or women/women or is it just straight sex? You cannot compete with the variety that is shown in porn. This is not a failure on your part. It is simply his addiction.

 

It seems rather absurd to me that if you somehow have the proper attitude for his porn, then your marriage will be all better. And supposedly you must feel guilty for your "snooping" when it was/is only done because you knew that something was wrong with your marriage.

 

Porn which couples watch together and which enriches the marriage can be considered "not bad," but when we start calling porn which REPLACES the sex within a marriage "not bad," we are missing the mark completely.

 

Above all, when we have porn which must be kept a secret from our wives because we know that it is more important to us than sex with our wife, then there is a problem. Call it addiction, or call it simply a habit, but if it becomes the "mistress," then we as men and husbands are cheating...plain and simple. And another thing, it is also "known" that when men watch hours of porn, they have a much harder time at keeping an erection during lovemaking. They NEED the viewing of porn to keep them excited.

 

You have a right to be hurt, mad and frustrated. My best suggestion is marriage counseling and hopefully addiction counseling for him. Do not settle with the idea that somehow this is your problem and not his. Do not settle with the idea that he watches porn because he has some medical condition that he has no control over. No, from what you say in your story, he has an addiction to porn that only he can overcome.

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