gemalousieglc1 Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Hi, I hope someone can give me a little advise! Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years now. We have been living together like a married couple for 4 years. We share everything, including money. After years of talking about our furtures we both want children and i want marriage. He has always been in 2 minds about marrying. I thought, i love him and i am willing to wait a while. So over the past few months we have discussed it and i couldnt believe my luck when we set a date. We decided to get married abroad in 2 years. I told all my family and friends and they was over the moon. I am 23 and he is 22. By then i would be 25 and he just be turning 25 and been very happy for 8 years. I feel the time is right! Anyway everything was going great untill he approached me and told me he dosnt want to do it!!!!! I asked why and he gave me a million excuses! This has messed my head up bad. He says the main reason is because he feels too young. I appreciate what he is telling me but i feel let down! It has made me feel different towards him. We sat down and had a good chat about it and basically i feel he is too imature............ He said "i want to get married more than him, so it should be on his terms", "I have no intention of marrying", "If i do get married, i will do it when i am 30". This means he is expecting me to carry on as b/f and g/f for 14 years before we marry!!!! Is it me or is that just bizzare??? I told him that its not good enough, i want to do it young (25), its not as if we are 16 and been together a month!!!! He is a shy person and i feel the other issue is, he dosnt want the attention. This is why we agreed on going abroad.......but he still insist on maybe doing it when we are 30. I think he is scared. I feel different towards him for this......he has made a fool of me. I now have to tell all my family its off!!!! I can not wait another 8 years before we marry....i thought it was gonna be 2 years! How do i know for sure he wont let me down then? I think he dosnt understand why people get married!! He said i am making a big deal about it and its not worth me leaving him.....I HAVE A LIFE TOO!!!! When we did book a date its was so we could advise people to save up, he did not propose to me at all. He said he would do it a year before the wedding. I asked him how he would do this.....he said basically throw a ring at me!!!! I asked him what happened to one knee and while the sun was setting, he said "You are in lala land, get in reality, who does that nowadays".... i feel heart broken, he has spoiled my dreams. I am good looking, caring, confidant and full of life. I have men begging me to marry them and calling him an idiot!!!! I dont think he realises what he has. I do and would do anything for him, i have been with him since i was 16 after all. I told him yesterday i need a break to think about it......he said "think about what, its not happening", is he thick??? Think about calling our relationship off. Can someone help me? Thanks Gem xxx Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 "I asked him how he would do this.....he said basically throw a ring at me!!!! I asked him what happened to one knee and while the sun was setting, he said "You are in lala land, get in reality, who does that nowadays".... i feel heart broken, he has spoiled my dreams." Sounds to me like he said yes first only because he thought that was what you wanted...and then realised it wasn't what he wanted. A guy who wanted to marry you wouldn't say he'd "toss you a ring" - because he'd want the moment to be so special that you'd never ever forget about it. I had a friend who was engaged for 3 years, then the boyfriend (aged 19) broke up with her because he wanted an "open relationship" and in the end ended up sleeping with a girl she knew. Point of this story...are you his first? I think he might be wondering "is this the only relationship I'll ever have?" - and THAT scares him. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you...it just means he isn't ready at all to get married. I'm 21 - and I'm engaged and freaking out about it. It's not that I want other men...but marriaged scares me. Committment scares me. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same? If you need a piece of paper, then perhaps you should look somewhere else for it. It doesn't look like your boyfriend will marry you, it doesn't look like he wants to. You have your entire life to get married...why so soon? You will both change before you're 25 and won't be the same people...after all, marriage is just a piece of paper, and a ring that says "Hands off! She/He's mine!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemalousieglc1 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 I dont see marriage as a piece of paper.....It show love, commitment, me having his name and having the same name as my children......It shows i want this man for the rest of my dying days and visa versa!!! All i want to know is should i wait? Sould i wait for him to turn 30 and listen to his desicion after comminting myself as a girlfriend for 14 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Annacabana Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I personally would not wait. I would want a man who could not wait to marry me and who was excited that he was going to have me as a wife. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I personally would not wait. I would want a man who could not wait to marry me and who was excited that he was going to have me as a wife. I agree with above. I have what she is stating above - and unless he was truly showing me everyday (like he is) that I am the one he wants to be with...I'd move on and find someone who would. If marriage is important to you, then if you are important to him - he would marry you. My brother does not want to marry until he is 30 - but his g/f knows this already, so it's not news. Since he now says all of sudden he wants to marry at 30...it's not a very good sign for the future of you two together. My suggestion is, if this is what you want, and you feel it is that important to you - then perhaps you need to find someone who is as ready as you are to get married. (Also, if you wait for someone who isn't as sure about you as you are about them - you might be wasting precious years when you could have found someone who did want to be with you as much as you wanted them! Give him 2 weeks to make up his mind...if he still wont commit - leave.) Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Hi gemalousieglc1 -- I'm sorry to hear you're in this tough situation, but in my opinion, it is a positive turning point for you. You know what you want, which is a beautiful ideal of marriage. I applaud you for knowing that this is what you aspire to, and for respecting that marriage is a lifelong commitment that takes effort and hard work -- not just a piece of paper and a ring. The problem is, your boyfriend does not want that... at least not right now, and maybe not with you ever. I agree with the others who have stated that if he really wanted to marry you, he would make it sound more special than "tossing" a ring at you and saying he does not "intend" to marry you. I understand his reasons for wanting to wait and in all honesty I think he is smart -- you two have been too young to be living together and sharing such huge responsibilities for most of your adult years so far, and your ages are still pretty young to get married. In my opinion I think you should be patient and wait for your perfect wedding/ marriage to come, because I don't think it's with this guy. I think he is trying to tell you he's changed his mind, and he doesn't want the perfect fairy tale wedding and marriage that you have in mind. I know that hurts to hear, but the good news is that he's told you NOW, before you've invested a lot of money and time into planning a wedding that won't happen, and definitely before the two of you are married and he's unhappy in that situation. I think you should let him go. This is a good turning point because you know what you want and you can find someone, eventually, who also aspires to an ideal marriage and who is very excited and happy to propose to you and start a life with you. And your boyfriend can find his own way too... he can stay single, date other girls to see who is right for him, or live with a girlfriend and never marry her, etc. This just shows you that you two aren't right together. Marriage takes two mature people who really know that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, and who also know that they have what it takes to stay married. Since your boyfriend doesn't fit this category, I think you should very nicely part ways with him, remembering all the good times but realizing that it's time to move on to a future you want more than the future he is prepared to give you. That will also give you a little time to be independent and on your own, which I think is very important to do before you get married. Good luck, please let us know how things turn out, and don't hesitate to come back for more advice along the way! ~Nadia Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry321 Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I'm in kind of in the same situation and i'm about to walk. In my opinion if a man is not sure whether he wants to marry you or not after 6-7 years, he most likely doesn't. I guess i had to learn this the hard way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemalousieglc1 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 Hi guys, thanks for all your advise!!!! I spoke with him abit ago..... he now says....he wil get married in a few years if we do it alone. He is scared of people looking at him. He said if i want all my family and friends there it will never happen!!! He is really messing my heads up. What do you think to that? I want family and friends with me on our special day. He seems to be making it so hard! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemalousieglc1 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 I would appreciate more comments, its doing my head in! thanks xx Link to post Share on other sites
nadia_j2727 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I don't know, that doesn't make sense to me (not wanting to have people look at him at his own wedding??) Maybe he can go to counseling and find out what his big fear is of people looking at him. It's important to you to have your friends and family witness your commitment and support you on your big day. Yet it's important for him to not have all the attention on him. I think you should go to pre-marital counseling with him or couple's counseling so you can work this out. Maybe both of you should compromise a little -- a wedding is about two people either way. Are you sure he's not just saying this in a passive aggressive way so you say "never mind, I don't want to marry you then"?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Are you sure he's not just saying this in a passive aggressive way so you say "never mind, I don't want to marry you then"?? Yeah that's what I think too. This guy sounds like he doesn't know what the hell he wants. I think you honestly need to lose this guy. He's confusing you and nothing he says even makes sense! Ask him if he would be willing to go to couple's counseling, and if he isn't then lose him and find someone who will be so excited and thankful at the chance to marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 He doesn't sound like he's ready for real commitment. Why drag someone unwilling or struggling with the concept, to the altar? If I were to guess, the "don't like people staring" phobia is an excuse, not a real phobia. I also agree that you might want to reconsider staying with this guy. Why not move out, gaining freedom for yourself and allowing him to experience life without you? He really has no incentive to proceed any further, right now. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 he now says....he wil get married in a few years if we do it alone. He is scared of people looking at him. He said if i want all my family and friends there it will never happen!!!! Sounds to me like he is just trying to string you along. Usually when a guy says he doesn't want to marry it means "I DO want to get married...just not to you." A guy who wanted you would let you have your family and friends there - if that is what you truly wanted. Marriage is a compromise - even at the wedding ceremony, and I see no compromises! You have no proof he won't tell you in a few years "Oh, I'm not ready yet...let's just wait another 2 years..." - see where I'm going with this? You deserve to be with someone who wants to marry you! I think you should reconsider leaving him. Obviously, you two want differen things and he needs to comprehend that he can't string you along with empty promises. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 His original agreement to marry you was made under pressure. He did not, on his own, decide that he was ready and propose. Clearly he's not ready to marry, he's told you this, but after much talking about how much you want it, he caved in. From his point of view, he probably sees your discussions about marriage as twisting his arm. You want a man who is committed to you for life. The only way you will get this is to let him ask you when he realizes it's what he wants too. This isn't just true of your bf. It holds for pretty much any guy. When you put a man in the position of either marrying you or losing you, you're taking a risk that he's doing it for the wrong reasons and the marriage won't last. Let me ask you a question: What is your goal here? Is it marriage, or is it a life with your bf? Don't confuse these two things. They may not be the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Let me ask you a question: What is your goal here? Is it marriage, or is it a life with your bf? Don't confuse these two things. They may not be the same thing. Exactly. Excellent points MK Link to post Share on other sites
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