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Gaslighting, I think I have my answer?


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ok, I have been looking up gaslighting and I swear it is my H to a "T". He is every description they have on it. My question is, does anyone know about this and how to get away from it? Now I know what he has been doing and WHY I feel so drawn to his a--- !

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I had to do a search on what "gaslighting" was. I had never heard of it.

 

My question to you is, if you feel your h is this way, and you now know its psychological abuse, why do you stay? And why would feel drawn to this kind of thing?

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ok, I have been looking up gaslighting and I swear it is my H to a "T". He is every description they have on it. My question is, does anyone know about this and how to get away from it? Now I know what he has been doing and WHY I feel so drawn to his a--- !

 

I don't know much about this (I googled it and read some stuff) and it doesn't look like there is heaps of info to support its being an actual bona-fide condition... I looked up passive-aggressive and found that defines me quite well. BTW I'm still reading your posts and will answer your question from my thread as soon as I can.

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Hello CAT, so passive aggressive sounds like you? That is what I looked up as well and it sounds like my H as well. I just want answers and if he will not give them to me you may be the next best thing. Since D-DAY almost a year ago our sex life has changed dramatically. He was always the one that wanted me all the time, could not be near me in the bed without getting hard, sometimes just sitting near me. Now, we do it when I start and sometimes I have to ask over and over again. It is like he is not attracted to me anymore unless he is drinking and avoids sex like I use to a long time ago. He tells me there is nothing wrong and I am being pushy. THis is what he wanted all these years and now that he has it, he does not want it, what is that? He does not talk to HER anymore, she has a new toy, his best friends soon to be EXW. Strange huh? She is a manipulating B---- and plays on everyone that will listen and she can be the MARTAR for... We have moments when he is really sweet and the other he is just there. After we do have sex, he holds me so tight and so loving I think I he is going to break me in half.

 

I just want to know what happened those months after I accused him of the A. He drank all the time, cried and was so depressed and said it was because I took everything he believed in, marriage, love and trust away when I went as far as to accuse him....BUT, he has 12 pics of her in his truck, one in a BIKINI when she was 19, now 41.....some of her in the 80's and the rest are at OUR wedding. Now, he had NO pics of me at all, his W. After he told me he wanted out 12-16-06, he cut me off emotionally, physically in every way imaginable for 5 months. Watch me fall apart and did not care. When he came home drunk in the first few months, I would try and talk to him and he would say it was too late and cry. When we did have sex a few times in those months, he would cry like a baby after and would not tell me why......what was it, guilt, her shame?

 

He still called her everyday up until around August, he has not talked to her in 3 weeks that I know of now and he is getting better.

 

So, tell me was he in love with her and if you think so, do you think it could have been just emotional and not physical? Supposedly he would cry to her (she told me this) and say he did not understand WHY I did not want him intimately as much as he did and on and on.....she said he shows his love through intimacy SEX, so how could he have talked to her like he did on that tape and call he 10 times a day all day and ignore if they had not SLEPT together? He told me just this weekend that he has no conscience, that he would not feel bad or guilty about cheating BECAUSE he would never be in that situation to begin with. I know he has never cheated before, not his style. He said WHY in the world would I ever put myself in that situation knowing how it feels when you hurt me? He looks me in the eye and says all this, but is still not as loving, emotional etc......I do not know what to believe and have to make the HARDEST decision in my life in the next 2 weeks. I do believe he loves me, but how does he love me now, in what way? He told me that he is here for the long haul and that I am the only one doubting us......how could I not? Tell me CAT, is this you?

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No my BF treats me well.

 

I apologize. I was insensitive for trying to bust a joke when your life is a mess.

 

I read some of your story. I think it's a very screwed up situation. And I also think that your H is using you as a cover-up for his sick relationship with his sister.

 

I think it's strange that he has all those pictures of her. Did you ever confront him about it? And tell him he's a sick guy?

 

One thing you have to keep in mind is this is not about you. If he is sexually attracted to his sister he'd be that way no matter who his wife was, ya know?

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Thanks, yes it is a mess. I have confronted him about it all and he says I am crazy that is his sister and he has a bond with her he cannot explain, but it is not sexual. He said he loves her very much, but not in the way he loves me and I should have known that no matter what. He said I am insecure and that I have now made something out of nothing and a big mess in front of his new family ! Ok,if that is true then why have a pic of her in the bikini (your sister) and a bunch of pics and be obessed in the way he was? They were getting to know each other he said, no more than with his new brother ( they hung out a lot too) but he never called him all day and talked to him on tape like a lover " My sweet sweet baby, I love you sooo much baby" etc......but I am the crazy one, maybe for staying.

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cj, you KNOW this is messed up, you KNOW your H has an inappropriate relationship with his half-sister, you KNOW he's lying, you KNOW he's being an ass, and you KNOW that your marriage will not get better unless he admits he has a problem and seriously wants to repair things.

 

He may be gaslighting, but you do not have to buy into it. YOU have the power to free yourself of this mess, but you have to be willing to look at your H and your marriage with open eyes. He is not going to change, so either you accept his crap or you walk away from it.

 

YOU have the power to make that decision - you don't need him to come out and tell you that he's got a sexual interest in his sister and that he can't make this marriage work because he's too caught up in himself and that he's been lying to you and gaslighting. Accept that he is lying, and go from there, however you want to handle it. Put yourself first, because HE isn't putting you first. Make the decisions that are best for YOU.

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Yes, they had never met before, I found them....(father, 2 sisters and brother) So, they met as adults !

 

Jane, I know what you are saying, but what if I am wrong and they just feel a bond like he said, that is the only reason I am still here........

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If they just met then yes they are discovering each other. And it doesn't mean in a sexual way. I would be overjoyed to know my sibling if I had never met them before.

 

Honestly I think that would be so cool.

 

What makes you think it's more than just a sibling relationship? Are you sure that you aren't just feeling snubbed by the lack of attention he's giving you now because he has others to pay attention to?

 

Are you somehow jealous because he isn't giving you the affections he did before they came into his life? His life is more busy which leaves less time for you?

 

Was he always treating you wrong...or has it just been since they've met?

 

I'm not trying to Gaslight you either...just asking very real questions.

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Amaysngrace, do me a favor and read my threads, it has all the details of WHY I feel this way. I found STAMAX in his truck, he called her all day 12 times a day or more, stopped calling me. Pulled away from me little by little in every way, then I caught them on tape talking like lovers. It was very emotional and very UGLY about me. She was telling him he better where protection with me because WE (like they were a couple) were not going to have that. He told her in a more loving and sensual voice 7 times in 5 minutes how much he loved her, we JUST got married. Lived together 11 years finally got married and he starts up with this s--- 1 month later.

 

He would leave work early, lie and tell me he was at our lake house, he was with her hanging out and I busted him on that too....she lied for him so many times it is not funny. He was obessed with her, but not the other 2 siblings, why?

 

He was writing down love songs off the station SHE listened to at that time, he hates love songs.....need I go on....oh yeah the tape.....she calls him baby over and over again as he did her, HE WILL NOT CALL ME THAT AT ALL WHEN I SAY IT TO HIM NOW, tells me I am acting like a teenager and to grow up, but he can talk like an idiot to her????

 

After I accused them in December, he was furious and went through a major depression for months....still called her all the time, she started ignoring his calls.....he ignored me for 5 months, wanted a divorce, now he does not....they do not talk either. What happened to that STRONG BOND????? What happened to wonderful SISSY?????

 

Now, to top it off, he treats me weird now after a year, not into me but says it is all in my head !

 

On the tape the last thing she said was , call me tomorrow ok baby, he said YOU BET I WILL BABY, she said in her sexy voice " I will anxiously await your call" HMMMMMMM baby ! Now tell me what you think !

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Yes, they had never met before, I found them....(father, 2 sisters and brother) So, they met as adults !

 

Jane, I know what you are saying, but what if I am wrong and they just feel a bond like he said, that is the only reason I am still here........

 

YOU ARE NOT WRONG. But his lies are making you think you are. It's been a year, and how do you feel? Are you married to a warm, loving husband and are happy? Or are you wracked with anxiety, doubt, and questioning your sanity?

 

Get out of this while you still have a shred of sanity left. Regardless of what exactly is going on, you are miserable. It's not worth it!! LIVE your life instead of crying through it every day.

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God only knows Iwished I could RUN like the wind and never look back. Some days I have the strength to stand up and do it and the next I dont. It is really not about what he has done, it is what he is doing now. I am a smart, attractive woman and feel so ashamed I cannot leave him RIGHT NOW. What is wrong with people like me? Why do we stay knowing we should leave. I use to be strong and pretty much in charge so to speak, now I am a weak TIRED coward afraid to upset the beast !

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What is wrong with people like me? Why do we stay knowing we should leave. I use to be strong and pretty much in charge so to speak, now I am a weak TIRED coward afraid to upset the beast !

 

 

I wanted to leave my marriage for years before I finally got up the nerve to actually do it. I don't think that there's anything wrong with being torn on major life decisions.

 

Even the day I left I woke up and had false hope in the back of my head hoping my marriage would work. But then he left for work and I really woke up and started packing.

 

You only have one thing you know for sure. How your marriage is. How it's been. How it makes you feel.

 

The unknown might be a better option for you now.

 

Because when you know what you have and it ain't good enough then whatever else that's out there would just have to be better, wouldn't it?

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Thank you, I am really confused and need to make a decision soon, we are moving and nwo is the time. I love him, but I am a nervous wreck after a year and it is not getting much better. I am not like I was, crying all the time etc....I can function now, but it is hard. It is still on my mind most of the time.

 

I do not know why he cannot be sweet to me like that and love me as he did before all this? When I address it with him, he tells me to relax and let it happen and stop pushing the issue. He said that I am controlling and need to take a breather and just let it be. He does not want a divorce, but avoids conversation, sex and my compnay alot ! When I get upset, he said WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH THIS OR AROUND THIS? All I will be asking him is why he is like this NICELY and he blows up....so I guess it is over and I do not want to admit he is not in love with me like he seems to think or believe himself ! If he really wanted me and our M he would try or he just thinks I will not leave, I have no f---- idea anymore !

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he just thinks I will not leave

 

My exH thought that. He thought I'd never leave. Just sit there and take whatever crap he threw my way.

 

But one day while he was working I rented a house, rented a storage unit, rented a cargo van, notified the school to change the kids' bus, he went to work and came home to us gone.

 

Oh, but I left a letter from my attorney with a complaint for divorce.

 

It took me months to execute my plan. Literally months. I came into money in August and didn't leave until March.

 

These things take time. Don't think that somethings wrong with you for wanting your marriage to be different. Marriage brings a lot of hope and expectations. It's hard to give those hopes up. It's hard not to feel like you failed.

 

Take whatever time you need. It's your time afterall. And you can do with it whatever you'd like.

 

XO

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Did you have a chance to read my threads. Does it sound innocent to you now?

 

Yes I did and it sounds pretty creepy to me.

 

But all that aside, it's really now only about you. Because it's you who is living your life.

 

For me deciding to leave was easy. I did the breathing test. Was it harder for me to breathe when he's away from me or harder for me when he's near?

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I got a call today from our cell phone company telling me a cheaper way to pay for text. He HATES texting and will not answer mine, but has raked up 15 in 2 days. So, I am going home look and see if he has erased them and if he has I will tell him they called and ask who it is ! You see I am a paranoid freak. He will turn it around and call me a liar !

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Well, he lied again. He told me it was his friends he was sending pics to, it was HER. He got caught when I called the phone company. He said he erased them on purpose because he knew I checked the records and did it on purpose and turned it around on me. We had a bad fight and he said he wants a divorce. I said fine and cried all night long while he slept. That was after he cut me to the bone and I did the same back. I guess that is it ! How it got this bad I will never know, i just hope she was worth it !

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