Okay I got ganged up on

[marriedandsad]

My husband is going to California for 4 days at the end of the month for business. His mother offered to babysit our 2 year old son while I was at work for those 4 days. Fine. I can go along with that. Then today my husband and I are talking about the night I work until 10 pm and I ask him if his mom is really willing to come here (they live 45 minutes away) that late and drive home around 11 pm when I got back. He all of a sudden said that they were going to take our son for the night that day. Ummm...when the heck was this going to be discussed with ME?!?!?! His mother and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of a stuff. She doesn't listen to me when I say my son can't have something. Like when he was 6 months old. The doctor said NO strawberries. We're at their house and they go to give my son some and I said "Noooo....the doctor said he can't due to a potential allergy.". What did they do, give him some anyways. Right in front of me!!!! I say he can't have dessert until he eats 1/4 of his meal...they give him cake anyways. I just got a phone call the other night from her stating that they got him his first bike for his birthday and to tell people not to get him one. Umm...I wanted to buy him his first bike. Nobody asked ME about it. Same with his first wagon. My husband's grandparents already bought him one. And my issue with the bike is that we live on the third floor of an apartment building with NO yard, just a busy street out front....WHERE is my son going to ride it? He never goes to their house anyways. Not to mention lugging it up three flights of stairs with a toddler under one arm.

 

But anyways. Back to the issue. I just don't trust them alone with my son overnight. He just had his first sleep-over at my father-in-law's and step-mother-in-law's. And I only said yes to that because it was our anniversary and they have a 3 year old daughter so everything was already baby-proofed.

 

Should I be the bad guy and say NO...or should I bend over and take the steam roll.

[Love is Tragic]

Incredible! You must have the same in-laws that i do!! lol.. My H's parents are the exact same way, they completely blow off what i say in regards to my daughter, ill say no candy, and they will give her 10 pieces right in front of me, and so on. They got her a motorized Dora vehicle for her b-day, without even asking, i really wanted to be the one to get her that, arrrggg!! You dont live in the south, do you? I do, and it seems that southern people(or rednecks for that matter) have some twisted view on how to raise children. They think you should give them anything they say they want, and do absolutely everything for them, even when they are grown. No wonder there are so many mommas boys and girls out there who cant do anything for themselves.Anyway, sorry to ramble-but if you feel uncomfortable with your kid staying with them, just say no. Trust me, they make talk crap about you, but they probably do anyway. My in-laws hate me just for the simple fact that im fromt the North and can actually speak for myself. You probably never stood a chance anyway, i never did. Its YOUR kid, so you absolutely have a say in where your kid goes. Put your foot down and dont budge. It will be difficult, especially if your H is a mommas boy.

[tanbark813]

The strawberries issue is something to be bothered about but the rest of your post seems like it's more about you than about your son. If your son having a bike is such an issue due to living in an apartment, then why did you want to buy him one anyway? As for the trip, isn't it your husband's child as well? Granted, he probably should have brought it up beforehand, but it sounds like you don't want him to have any say in how his child is raised.

[marriedandsad]

The strawberries issue is something to be bothered about but the rest of your post seems like it's more about you than about your son. If your son having a bike is such an issue due to living in an apartment, then why did you want to buy him one anyway? As for the trip, isn't it your husband's child as well? Granted, he probably should have brought it up beforehand, but it sounds like you don't want him to have any say in how his child is raised.

 

I wanted to buy him his first bike when we buy a house. He's almost 2. I'm going to be the one lugging the darn thing up and down 3 flights of stairs, not to mention storing it who-knows-where.

 

I probably would've been more open to it had it been brought up and DISCUSSED with me instead of "This is what's going to happen whether you like it or not". Whenever they come over they come over ONLY when I'm at work. They only call when my husband is home. They even bought a carseat for their car (and they NEVER drive my son around, so why they bought it I have no idea.). And the bike thing. Being called and informed that they bought it and to tell everyone else not to buy one....that too me was obnoxious. They could've asked us if we were planning on buying one instead of going out and doing it then telling us about it. I'm tempted to tell them to keep it at THEIR house.

 

Now the whole thing is that they might want my son all 4 days my husband is gone. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! It feels like I'm being steam-rolled as usual. Like for Thanksgiving. This year I want to have one at our home for once with MY side of the family. I haven't had Thanksgiving with my side for 4 years. Not to mention I get ignored at my in-laws on that holiday and I stress all month about it. So my husband tells his mom how I feel about staying home and what does she say..."I'm going to call her mom and invite her, that way she HAS to come with the baby". WHAT THE HECK!!! I already called my mom and told her what was going on...she's going to go to their house anyways!!! I am still refusing to go. I want to stay home for a change.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his parents. Where do these guys come from?

 

Do you realize how many times Ive told my dad to get lost about a GF? Let alone a wife... Jeeze!

[Woggle]

Honestly it just sounds like you don't get along with your in-laws and like to be difficult for the sake of being difficult. That is their grandchild and as long as they are not a danger to him they deserve to have a relationship.

[marriedandsad]

Honestly it just sounds like you don't get along with your in-laws and like to be difficult for the sake of being difficult. That is their grandchild and as long as they are not a danger to him they deserve to have a relationship.

 

 

Do you have kids? And after reading your other posts, I take anything you have to say with a grain of salt.

[Woggle]

Do you have kids? And after reading your other posts, I take anything you have to say with a grain of salt.

 

I don't have kids but I do know how some women can be with in-laws and thinking that their husbands are total idiots when it comes to anything with the children.

[marriedandsad]

Maybe I AM being difficult. But to me it's not right to state that you're going to take someone's child for the night without even discussing it with them...especially when you don't have the best relationship with that person to begin with.

 

I caved in when I was in labor and let my MIL in the room while I was pushing. And the entire time she was peeking down there trying to see my son's head, and all I could think was "OMG my MIL is staring at my crotch...". I kept being told it wasn't fair to have my mother and sister in the room but not my MIL since our son is her grandson too....my comfort level basically was tossed aside to make someone else happy. She has a daughter my age...she can be in the room when her children are born.

 

I was talking to my step-mother-in-law tonight and we both agree it's a problem of boundaries. There seem to be none. It's been fine up until now for them to not include me in things and family get togethers...we haven't been a package deal. But now that needs to change. They need to acknowledge I am our son's mother and that I DO have a say in who takes care of him and how they take care of him....grandparents or not.

[tanbark813]

Not being accusatory here, just out of curiosity: If your mom wanted to take your son for a night would you ask your husband first before giving her an answer?

[Woggle]

And would you be okay with your husband acting this way with your family? After all it his child as well. Something tells me you wouldn't.

[marriedandsad]

Not being accusatory here, just out of curiosity: If your mom wanted to take your son for a night would you ask your husband first before giving her an answer?

 

 

Heck yes I would ask him!!! Any decision like that I always consult him. ALWAYS.

 

And yes my husband has issues with my side as well. And we talk through them and play nice. But he doesn't go out of his way to try and get along. I go out of my way to try and get along with his side. But they don't think I'm good enough.

 

AND I would NOT be okay with my son staying the night at my mother's. She has different opinions on parenting and ignores my wishes. When my son was only a week old she put him down to nap on his belly after I EXPLICITELY told her NOT to because of the risk of SIDS. I went grocery shopping with my Step-mother-in-law and came back and he was on his tummy and she was in the other room. And no he did not roll over.

[Ladyjane14]

My in-laws hate me just for the simple fact that im fromt the North and can actually speak for myself.

 

Oh puh-leeze. I very much doubt your in-laws hate you just because you're from The North. Like you couldn't have POSSIBLY given them any other reason.

 

 

 

 

Regardless of his parenting status, Marriedandsad... I'm inclined to agree with Woggle. You've got some attitude showing.

 

You know, there are alot worse things in life than having in-laws who love their grandchildren and are willing to pitch in and help when they can. You might find them intrusive, but do you really think that's their intention? Isn't it more likely that they're just REALLY excited about being grandparents and want to be included in your family's life?

 

I had a rocky start with my in-law's as well. That was 25 years ago. But today... I love 'em like they're my own. When I had my last child, my MIL was at the birth. It was the only time she'd witnessed one of her grandchildren's entrance into the world, and I KNOW it was special for her. Me too, for that matter.

 

We didn't get there by accident though. And weirdly, we didn't have any kind of grand confrontation over it either. We just each dropped our 'tudes for the sake of the babies, and when we did we discovered that we were two women, both interested in the same things... a big healthy, happy family chief among them.

 

People aren't perfect. My MIL isn't, but then again... neither am I. If I want her to overlook my imperfections, it's only fair that I overlook hers. The big winners are the kids, that's true. But my husband and I are winners too. He feels more supported within the marriage because I care about the people he cares about, so the marriage is stronger and healthier.

And, as a side benefit... I got a pretty damn good friend out of the deal.

[marriedandsad]

Trust me...she doesn't want me as a friend, she's made that perfectly clear. We used to be friends, when my husband and I were engaged and they didn't think we'd actually get married, she was all buddy buddy with me. THEN we got married and it all changed.

 

I typically never complain about them just showing up without calling, or doing stuff I don't like...I keep my yap shut. BUT this totally threw me into a tizzy. I don't like people telling me what they are going to do with my son without consulting me. I can garauntee if I had told my mother she could take our son for the night or 4 days without telling my husband, he'd hit the roof.

 

I think a MAJOR problem with everything is my sister-in-law. She told me to my face I wasn't good enough for her brother and that I was a w**re because I got pregnant on accident while we were engaged. I missed one pill and WHOOPS. She even tried to tell my husband that the baby probably wasn't his. Mind you I have discussed this with my husband's other family members because she had told them stuff about me and they asked me about it. Turns out this is just how she is. She has this weird protectiveness about her brother that borders on obessive. I called her out on it one day because she didn't come to our wedding and lied about why. I told her it really hurt my husband's feelings that his sister couldn't set aside her differences with me to support her brother. She went and told her mom that I "attacked" her.

 

My husband and I got into an argument about it one night that put me into tears. I REALLY wanted to be friends with his sister from the get go. I was looking forward to having another female friend my age I could talk to. From the moment she met me, she hated me. And my husband said she was like that with ALL his old girlfriends. But he married me...and it compounded it.

 

Everyone who knows me calls me a doormat. I let people trample all over me to keep the peace. And this time I said NO and it's causing an uproar.

 

And yes I AM grateful my son has grandparents who love him. But the issue isn't that or the bike. It's the fact nobody asked me if it was okay they take my son for the night. They just told me it was going to happen and that it was the end of the story. THAT is the problem.

[Ladyjane14]

Trust me...she doesn't want me as a friend, she's made that perfectly clear. We used to be friends, when my husband and I were engaged and they didn't think we'd actually get married, she was all buddy buddy with me. THEN we got married and it all changed.

 

This isn't insurmountable, hon. Really, it's not. What changed before can be changed again.

 

You can't fake it though. People always know when you're just being nice for the sake of greasing the wheels. The thing to do is to honestly embrace them as family... your family. I'm sure your own natural family pisses you off now and then. These folks will too from time to time.

 

Use The Golden Rule and treat them like YOU want to be treated. It's okay to set boundaries, but make sure you're setting them gently and explaining yourself as you go. You don't need a Sherman Tank if a flyswatter will do, right.?

Refuse to hold a grudge. And always give the tie to the runner. IOW, if there's a chance that some slight could be interpreted in a more positive light.. then give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

These are people who LOVE the same people YOU love. And one day... they're gonna love you too.

It just takes time, patience, consistency, and whopping doses of understanding.

 

You'll get there. And take it from me... it's soooo worth it when you do.

[Love is Tragic]

Oh puh-leeze. I very much doubt your in-laws hate you just because you're from The North. Like you couldn't have POSSIBLY given them any other reason.

 

 

 

 

Regardless of his parenting status, Marriedandsad... I'm inclined to agree with Woggle. You've got some attitude showing.

 

You know, there are alot worse things in life than having in-laws who love their grandchildren and are willing to pitch in and help when they can. You might find them intrusive, but do you really think that's their intention? Isn't it more likely that they're just REALLY excited about being grandparents and want to be included in your family's life?

 

I had a rocky start with my in-law's as well. That was 25 years ago. But today... I love 'em like they're my own. When I had my last child, my MIL was at the birth. It was the only time she'd witnessed one of her grandchildren's entrance into the world, and I KNOW it was special for her. Me too, for that matter.

 

We didn't get there by accident though. And weirdly, we didn't have any kind of grand confrontation over it either. We just each dropped our 'tudes for the sake of the babies, and when we did we discovered that we were two women, both interested in the same things... a big healthy, happy family chief among them.

 

People aren't perfect. My MIL isn't, but then again... neither am I. If I want her to overlook my imperfections, it's only fair that I overlook hers. The big winners are the kids, that's true. But my husband and I are winners too. He feels more supported within the marriage because I care about the people he cares about, so the marriage is stronger and healthier.

And, as a side benefit... I got a pretty damn good friend out of the deal.

 

Wow, thats really a ****ty thing to say. You dont know my situation or my in-laws. People from the south are extremely set in their ways, and my MIL is the most controlling person i have ever met. Its always been her way or the highway. She hates me for the simple fact that SHE wasnt the one to pick me out for her son. Not to mention, we were raised completely different, i was raised to be more independent, he was raised to do everything momma says/wants. When we briefly separated, she had already set my H up on a blind date with someone she works with, and we were barely barely separated. Not to mention that a new relationship was the LAST thing my H wanted at the time, but she didnt care, and he was raised to never create any conflict, just go along with what she wants. I have been nothing but kind and polite with her, and i make all attempts to have pleasant conversations with the woman. Doesnt matter though.

 

So yes, people can hate other people for extremely simple facts, because some people are just that backwards in their way of thinking. Trust me..This is the most backwards, messed up, redneck place i have ever lived-in a million years i could never imagine people to be the way they are here.

[Ladyjane14]

Wow, thats really a ****ty thing to say. You dont know my situation or my in-laws.

 

I don't need to. Unless you're Jesus, descended from on high... chances are you aren't above giving offense. And after reading through your previous posts... I think it's fairly safe to assume you aren't Jesus.

 

People from the south are extremely set in their ways, and my MIL is the most controlling person i have ever met....

 

...So yes, people can hate other people for extremely simple facts, because some people are just that backwards in their way of thinking. Trust me..This is the most backwards, messed up, redneck place i have ever lived-in a million years i could never imagine people to be the way they are here.

 

Hmmm... there's just no way they could be picking up a negative vibe from you, huh?

[Woggle]

I am not fond of southerners myself but her dislike could have to do with the fact that you cheated on her son. My wife doesn't like going to my old neighborhood but she doesn't whine about my friends.

[luvstarved]

I am sympathetic to this because I live with an EXTREME case.

 

I have tried to be diplomatic, deferential, and all of that. But I too have been steamrolled and ignored time and again. And been accused of being jealous and ungrateful to boot.

 

Violating clearly stated boundaries is disrespectful at best. Being portrayed as the "one with a problem" for wanting to establish any boundaries is maddening.

 

My case is extreme, yes, my H lived with Mom and Dad til we got married and what they do for the grandkids PALES in comparison to how they still treat him. His whole chunk of the responsibility gets delegated to them, how did they become an integral part of my MARRIAGE?

 

Yes, buying things, making decisions without my consent, all of that and more - disagreeing with me in front of the kids about my parenting decisions, answering when the kids call for "Mom", rearranging my closets and cabinets after I have just organized them, going "exploring" in my bedroom, telling my H he is right even if he is dead wrong, telling my daughter she is "the boss" and jumping whenever she says jump to the point that she now has hissy fits just like my H when they don't get full cheerful and immediate compliance, saying "oh it's okay" when I am trying to discipline, lying to me about breaking, losing things or doing things in house that I have asked them not to...oh fill in more blanks...

 

The bottom line is that it is DISRESPECTFUL and ACTIVELY UNDERMINES my position as the wife and mother. I know my MIL loves my children, but that does not give her the right to overstep her boundaries.

 

To a point, you do have to be understanding and give people the benefit of the doubt and not sweat the small stuff. But at another point, you have to refuse to just take it. There is a further point at which it all gets resolved one way or another, but I haven't gotten to that one yet.

 

Anyway, I think you should look at the big picture, do you really think they are malicious or misguided, and could you possibly work on conveying your message in a kinder manner...I know that might be hard to do especially if this is pervasive behavior but there is value and correctness in striving to be the functional adult in these situations, is it really a frequently occurring thing to the point that it interferes with the nuclear family dynamic as a whole...every situation is different...but I do sympathize and wish you luck with it.

[corazoncito]

Should I be the bad guy and say NO...or should I bend over and take the steam roll.

 

Bringing this back around the original question, do you have alternate arrangements for your son during those four days while you are at work, if you don't rely on your IL's?

 

If so, then I guess you need to discuss those options with your husband.

 

If not, what's so bad about considering your MIL's offer? It seems practical and the one overnight stay is reasonable. That way neither of you need to be driving a long distance at night while tired. One night of "spoiling" by the grandparents isn't going to ruin a 2 year-old.

[marriedandsad]

Bringing this back around the original question, do you have alternate arrangements for your son during those four days while you are at work, if you don't rely on your IL's?

 

If so, then I guess you need to discuss those options with your husband.

 

If not, what's so bad about considering your MIL's offer? It seems practical and the one overnight stay is reasonable. That way neither of you need to be driving a long distance at night while tired. One night of "spoiling" by the grandparents isn't going to ruin a 2 year-old.

 

 

It isn't spoiling that's the issue. It's the fact that whenever I tell them my son can't have something due to an allergy or our preference for him to NOT have it, they give it to him anyways. And letting him do stuff we say he can't do, like jumping on the couch or just taking stuff off your plate during a meal. Then he comes home and wants to do it here and throws tantrums because we say NO.

 

Our son is currently going through a stage where he has zero respect for me. If I yell at him, he laughs, if I smack his butt, he laughs harder. If my husband yells at him, he cries. I don't want to be underminded anymore than I already am. It's bad enough that my husband doesn't back me up when it comes to discipline. He just says "Listen to your mother...". Um he's TWO!!! For awhile we had a problem where I would say our son could have something, and my husband would instantly say "No." and that would be the end of the discussion. If I suggested trying something he would say no and there would be no argument. I finally called him out on it and told him that it wasn't fair how his opinion on the matter was the only one that counted. Even the pediatrician noticed it at the office and asked if this was how it was at home. My husband didn't even see it until someone else pointed it out. I had said I was going to give our son a bottle because he seemed hungry and H (husband) instantly said "I don't think he needs one" and took the bottle out of my hands and put it away. I was the primary care giver, so I stayed home and knew our son's signals. I was so angry!!! His parents do the same thing to me.

 

And I have gotten other arrangements....but now I am getting phone calls about how "hurt" they are that I said no. We don't rely on our in-laws for any type of childcare. In fact our son doesn't even go to daycare. I work on my husband's days off and I work when he gets home. So our son has never really even had a babysitter.

[Ladyjane14]

Kids will test you when they're two. And even more so when they're three.

 

It's not a matter of disrespect, at least not on the part of the child. He's too young to understand respect as a concept. Sometimes kids test their limits with Mom because they're more comfortable with Mom. In actuality, a toddler who acts up with you but not so much with others trusts you more than he trusts anybody else.

 

Certainly you don't want your child to become a bone of contention between you and your husband though. Keeping your marriage healthy and strong is something that benefits your son directly and for many, many years to come. If you've not had counseling before, maybe it's time to get some. It seems fairly clear that you're feeling unheard in the communications process. A good marriage counselor can help you feel more supported by lending more weight to your opinions and concerns.

 

Meanwhile, I agree with Corazoncito. I just don't see how you can go wrong when you're doing the most practical thing. When the in-laws encroach on your boundaries, it's okay to let them know you don't appreciate it, but you don't cut your nose off to spite your face in order to get the job done.

 

How would you have handled this situation if it were your Mom who overstepped herself?

If it was mine... sure, I'd have straightened her out, but I wouldn't let it come between us in the long term.

 

Isn't there a way that you can find some middle ground on this? ...some solution you can BOTH feel excited about? That woman is part of your family-life now, and probably always will be in one capacity or another. It seems to me that you have an opportunity here to redefine the parameters of the relationship. So... how will you use this opportunity?

[marriedandsad]

Kids will test you when they're two. And even more so when they're three.

 

It's not a matter of disrespect, at least not on the part of the child. He's too young to understand respect as a concept. Sometimes kids test their limits with Mom because they're more comfortable with Mom. In actuality, a toddler who acts up with you but not so much with others trusts you more than he trusts anybody else.

 

Certainly you don't want your child to become a bone of contention between you and your husband though. Keeping your marriage healthy and strong is something that benefits your son directly and for many, many years to come. If you've not had counseling before, maybe it's time to get some. It seems fairly clear that you're feeling unheard in the communications process. A good marriage counselor can help you feel more supported by lending more weight to your opinions and concerns.

 

Meanwhile, I agree with Corazoncito. I just don't see how you can go wrong when you're doing the most practical thing. When the in-laws encroach on your boundaries, it's okay to let them know you don't appreciate it, but you don't cut your nose off to spite your face in order to get the job done.

 

How would you have handled this situation if it were your Mom who overstepped herself?

If it was mine... sure, I'd have straightened her out, but I wouldn't let it come between us in the long term.

 

Isn't there a way that you can find some middle ground on this? ...some solution you can BOTH feel excited about? That woman is part of your family-life now, and probably always will be in one capacity or another. It seems to me that you have an opportunity here to redefine the parameters of the relationship. So... how will you use this opportunity?

 

 

I have been thinking about it...and I guess I can let them take him for ONE night...but not all four. A major problem is that I just don't want to be alone that night. My husband will be in California, my child will be at my in-laws...I don't deal well with alone. All of our friends have other plans. I told my husband I want a dog So now we're looking to adopt a canine. He's beginning to travel a lot and I feel better having a dog around. Not to mention I LOVE dogs!!

 

I still don't trust them. They've talked about me behind my back to other family members and to my husband. I tend to ignore it. Hopefully they will listen to me however and realize I am our son's mother...not them. They already had their chance with raising their kids.

 

As for my mom. She over-steps the boundaries all the time. Same as my in-laws...and I usually just keep my mouth shut and get walked all over...same with my in-laws. I am the keeper of the peace. Lately however I have started putting my foot down more and more. I think it puts them off that I am growing a back-bone.

[Ladyjane14]

I told my husband I want a dog So now we're looking to adopt a canine. He's beginning to travel a lot and I feel better having a dog around. Not to mention I LOVE dogs!!

 

I love dogs... cats too.

Even a little dog will let you know if someone's messing around your house. And if you come in from being gone all day and find your cat lounging, there's nothing much that's been disturbed. Good stuff.

 

They've talked about me behind my back to other family members and to my husband. I tend to ignore it.

 

That goes on in all families though. You know how it is. People talk, and they do it if you're a blood relative or if you're an in-law. The trick is... to be utterly boring!

 

Lately however I have started putting my foot down more and more. I think it puts them off that I am growing a back-bone.

 

Good for you.

You don't have to be bitchy to be assertive, right.? Pleasant but firm is all you need. And if other people take it wrong, well... that's on them. It's their prerogative to misinterpret information if they like. As long as YOU know your heart is in the right place and you're innocent of any pot-stirring, nobody can make an allegations that stick.

[New_Wife]

The allergy thing is a problem. What did your husband say about that? Because the child is his too, and if the parents put his child in danger, he needs to make them understand that, the same way you would with yours.

 

As to the spoiling, that is what grandparents do. To some extent, you're fighting a losing battle if you think that won't happen. I would suggest you choose your batttles very carefully there. What I haven't seen you mention at all is how your son relates to these people. Does he love his grandparents? Do they take good care of him (other than the berries)? Are there nearby cousins he can play with at the Grandparents house?

 

On a different scope, what sort of things could you do for yourself during those few days? Had a pedicure in awhile? maybe a massage? get your hair done? see a movie? Mother's of young children rarely have alone time for their own interests - so this could be a nice time for yourself - if you let it.