Jump to content

In laws and marriage Issues


Recommended Posts

First off let me say WOW. After reading some of these posts, my marriage doesn't seem so bad... (Just Kidding)

 

I am a 40 year old male, married for just over 3 1/2 years with a 2 1/2 year old little girl (Sydney) and one on the way. Thanks for having me.

 

MY wife and I have been having financial and stress related arguments, usually about time or, lack there of, along with some minor misunderstandings as a newly married couple with kids. Maybe I'm crazy but I think these things are all fairly common these days with duel working parents?

 

Recently, I noticed my In Laws had begun acting suspicious in behavior towards me. They've been dropping subtle little hints in an effort to display they dissatisfaction with me making little comments and shortness when I'm around.

 

Up until this morning, I just dismissed them as irritability due to old age and associated the shortness to discomfort (they're in their 60's, not that that's old or anything )

 

I digress...

 

This morning, a typical Saturday (so I thought)MY wife and I had our usual cup of coffee and commenced to playing with our daughter and weekend chores. At one point, I decided I needed to make a trip to the hardware store. I asked my wife if she would mind that I go and offered to take Sydney with me. I could tell, as the morning progressed my wife was a little irritable because of her pregnancy and thought she might enjoy a break.

 

Instead... The whole thing blew up in my face with my wifes control issues and planning. She decided she needed to make suggestions were I needed to go, suggested another store other than the one I wanted to go to. She followed that up with, "well, why don't I just get ready, pack everything up and we'll all go. It will only take 20 minutes?" This was the last thing I wanted to hear. Sometimes, a man just needs to spontaneously get up and do something. Maybe that's just me? Here think was she could get ready, go to the store and go "shopping" until the time we had planned to go swimming later that morning. A couple hours of shopping was not in my plans for my day off.

 

At this point... I sighed and I felt my blood pressure begin to boil as I slowly lost my little spontaneous fun morning weekend trip to the store with my daughter to planning and "by the minute calculations" from my wife. There are times for planning, I agree... we have to all week long, not the weekend too !

 

Long story short... I got very upset and used a few curse words in a display of my emotions. I will be the first to admit I'm not exactly the best communicator but we all have our short comings. My intentions are always good. I love my family with all that I am.

 

My wife proceeds to run in the kitchen pointing her finger and tell me " if I use curse words in front of my daughter again. she's packing her bags." She also said, " I don't like it when you do that " and " neither do my parents! "

 

All of a sudden, like a lead balloon it hit me. " My wife has been running to her parents when we have an arguments? " I thought " so that's why they have been giving me the cold shoulder " I was infuriated at that point were I thought I might raise my voice and use more curse words. Without hesitating, I got in my car and left, I was so aggravated with that idea, I could hardly contain my emotions.

 

I will also be the first one to admit, I have a little temper at times, although I have NEVER physically hit a women nor would I ever remotely even consider that as an option. I will however, just leave the scene until I can pull it together. Maybe this needs addressed as well...

 

My question is... Should I be that upset my wife is running to her parents with "OUR" issues? Or is this something that's normal? The reason I ask these question are:

 

1. I feel betrayed my wife needs to confide in her parents instead of talking to me. (or argue with me)

 

2. I lost my mother and father when I was young. I have pretty much taken care of myself as a child and an adult. I think to myself "even if they were still alive, I don't think I would involve my parents in my marriage.

 

3. Should this upset me?

 

Any suggestions?

Link to post
Share on other sites
cheesydippindoodle

I think you'll probably find it's her mum she talking to & she's passing it on too dad i expect she having a moan on the phone to her while your out at work lots of daughters but not all tend to confide in their mom especially if there close, but no i personally agree, your dirty laundry shouldn't be aired anywhere other than your own home.

Maybe you should try sitting her down & explaing that you really don't like your private life being discussed & you'd prefer it if she told you where your going wrong in order for you to try & change that.

You could also approach the parents but that i'd say is a very sticky area there just hearing her side & looking out for their daughter after all. Maybe though you could (very politely) point out to them that both not just you are involved it these debates/agruements or fallings out whichever you choose to call them

Link to post
Share on other sites
My question is... Should I be that upset my wife is running to her parents with "OUR" issues? Or is this something that's normal? The reason I ask these question are:

 

I'd be upset to if that happend to me. Your marriage is no one's business but your own.

 

Maybe you should try sitting her down & explaing that you really don't like your private life being discussed & you'd prefer it if she told you where your going wrong in order for you to try & change that.

 

I agree and yes it's probably her mom she's talking with.

 

My wife has been running to her parents when we have an arguments?

 

That's why her parents are getting a bad vibe about you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think we are guilty of that to some degree, airing our problems with those whom we're closest to, only to have those folks give our spouses funny looks, or worse, be angry with them on our behalf. And someone needs to put their foot down because it only makes things worse for the relationship.

 

I was one of those. My mother and I were very close, so when I first married, I'd tell her that I was mad at DH because he did such and such. Wise lady that she is, she finally put her foot down and said I needed to stop telling her my problems because she loved my husband as much as she loved me, and it wasn't fair to her or to him when I complained to her about our marriage. And that helped me grow up some ...

 

it's not unusual that your wife does this, but I don't think that she realizes that she's making things worse for herself (because it reinforces in her parents' mind that she's incapable of making healthy decisions for herself if she can't pick a "good" husband) and for them (by forcing the issue of divided loyalty; they're going to always side with her because she's their child), and for you (it just makes it harder for you to do anything right in their eyes). Maybe it's time to get y'all to marriage counselling so that you learn how to effectively communicate AND establish boundaries of what stays inside a marriage, between the two of you.

 

it IS an upsetting situation to be in, but until your wife is willing to learn how to truly communicate with you, it's not going to get any better.

 

for the record, I thought that was really sweet of you to offer to take your toddler to the store to give your wife some time to herself, and I'm sorry she didn't see it as such. Maybe a simple "I thought I'd give you a bit of a break and I figured a quick dash to the store would be manageable for me and the kiddo" would suffice ... though if your wife's mind was set on going, it wouldn't have done any good.

 

chin up, mob – it'll get better, but you two really need to work on communication skills and some ground rules about who gets to hear what about the marriage and/or problems

Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife proceeds to run in the kitchen pointing her finger and tell me " if I use curse words in front of my daughter again. she's packing her bags." She also said, " I don't like it when you do that " and " neither do my parents! "

 

Why didn't you tell her to pack her bags and go to her parents, since that's what she wants to do anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Her parents have absolutely or should have absolutely no place in the personal aspects of your marriage and if she is pulling them into it, I think she has bigger issues than she's been saying.

This needs to be nipped in the bud RIGHT NOW as if it isn't, there are going to be worse problems with them later on. And it can be one destroying factor in your marriage.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not married but my brothers are and when they argue with their wives, I know they keep to themselves but.. one of my SIL, she will complain to my mother...

 

As for me personally... I wouldn't want to go to my parents if I had an argument with my husband (if I was married) because my mother says what happens in a marriage, stays in a marriage.. people will only at you funny...

Link to post
Share on other sites

All that talking and conspiring behind your back must make you feel very betrayed and nervous. Tell your wife that sharing information with her mother has made you uncomfortable to be around your in-laws, and you will not be able to face them since you don't know what other secrets have been divulged.

 

Take it from me. I am hated by my in-laws, and nothing good can come from their meddling in my life. I told my wife that I have "divorced" from my in-laws.

It was easy for me since I do not have any children to tie me to the in-laws.

Link to post
Share on other sites
All that talking and conspiring behind your back must make you feel very betrayed and nervous. Tell your wife that sharing information with her mother has made you uncomfortable to be around your in-laws, and you will not be able to face them since you don't know what other secrets have been divulged.

 

Take it from me. I am hated by my in-laws, and nothing good can come from their meddling in my life. I told my wife that I have "divorced" from my in-laws.

It was easy for me since I do not have any children to tie me to the in-laws.

 

Oh wow Piggsy...you divorced yourself from them. :laugh: Trust me I know all about pain in the a** in-laws and interfering.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're both at fault here. There are two different issues that have been brought up.

 

Your wife has no business bringing up your problems with her parents. And yes, I made that big mistake in my first marriage. I learned my lesson.

 

But on the other hand, you need to get a grip on the cursing. It's completely not acceptable when arguing with your spouse..especially in front of kids.

 

You need to sit down with her and negotiate. Tell her you'll calm down (no more cursing) if she stops going to her parents with any issues with you.

 

And for the record, I think she's being overly controlling. I thought it was very sweet of you to offer to take the child and let her have some time to herself. The hormones from the pregnancy must really be doing a number on her moods!

 

Hang in there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you, in all seriousness, for getting in your car and leaving when you were that angry. Your temper and potty mouth have already been addressed, so I won't even touch those topics.

 

But leaving the situation in the heat of anger - before it could escalate into something truly horrible - that's a gift to yourself, your wife, your daughter and your arriving little one. I've no doubt you'll be able to curb the cursing with that sort of will.

 

Oh, and as to the parents - that is miserable. I've been on the receiving end of an over-informed MIL, and guilty of giving too much info to my own mother - and it's just one of those things that really bite.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sorry for you. I've been on BOTH sides of that coin. When we lived with HER mom, she would go and get her mother to tag team in a disagreement against me. The solution there was to move out.

 

Then on the flip side, W would call MY parents and air our dirty laundry behind my back so that when I dropped in on my parents, I'd have to rehash the whole argument all over again. That resulted in a HUGE blow to my trust with W and disappointment with my parents for sticking their nose in. The solution there was to tell my parents that they already raised me and to leave my to my own devices.

 

I have a 4 year old and only swore in front of her once when she was very small. I do what you do and jump in the car and just drive (30-40 miles if I have to) until I've diffused myself and then return and try to relieve the situation.

 

Good luck to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...