freckles3131 Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I'm a 40 yr.old woman. I'm very comfortable in my skin and with myself. When single, I don't mind being alone. I "prefer" to be in a relationship, but I'm not a relationship junkie..and "okay" being single... That being said, I am currently in a almost 2 yr. relationship. At first he was worth giving up some of my freedom, independence etc..for. He would call to see if I needed anything, (i.e. milk, cat food) Offer to go shopping with me, mow the lawn, send me an occasional random loving txt message, showed me he missed me when we didn't see each other, little random acts of kindness, plan "date nights" etc.....it felt natural, wonderful, like I was getting treated well. (and visa versa)........Fast forward to the past 6 months....less attention, less "thoughtfulness", less of everything. I approached him about this and he attributed it to the "honeymoon period" and now we are "comfortable" I said, I would like at least half of the guy I signed up for...I don't need much, give him his space, have my own life, am not needy, only ask for one date night a week(we live together) the rest of the week is open for him to do what he needs to (2 jobs, truck pull hobbies etc...) I only also ask for once in a while love note, thoughtful gesture etc....on top of all of this...I have also asked for the occasional oral sex(which he says he "doesn't like to do" even though I tell him how good it makes me feel and it's one of the few ways I can orgasm.) I keep trying to keep the enthusiasm in this relationship, call him randomly, little thoughtful sometimes sexy text messages, love notes, pack his lunch, attempts at date night...but feel like it's 60% 40% or sometimes less.... He has a woman who: is caring, honest, faithful, loved by all his friends and family, isn't materialistic, is fun/funny, has a great job and is self-sufficient, keeps busy golfing with friends and gives him his space to do almost whatever he wants..... The Pros: He is: someone I can trust, someone I can be up-front with, someone with the same morals/values, gets along with my friends/family/is liked by them, makes a decent living/is intelligent/can be considerate at times/can be affectionate at times/can be thoughtful on occasion The Cons: He is in debt, He doesn't actively keep up with what is going on in my 12 yr old son's life (we all live together) nor does he go out of his way to do stuff with him (he will go watch his baseball games etc...) he isn't spontanious, can't make a plan hardly ever,relies on me to make plans, doesn't like to travel even for a short get-a-way, doesn't hardly offer to help out around the house unless I remind him, never calls to say "do we need anything", sex (2 mins. of "it", forplay yes, but no oral), The dilema.........does one end a relationship with someone one can trust, can have intellegent conversations with, laugh with to go it alone because the "cons" are not leveling things out? I really don't know what to do........I have tried talking to him and see slight improvement, but feel myself getting bitter.....not who I want to be...I'd rather be single, than be bitter. I try to put on my happy face, but feel like I could do better, but am scared I'm being too picky.... Thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Welcome to A Close Relationship With Another Human Being. Some parts are good, some parts are bad. I'm not sure what specific advice you're looking for here. If you want a relationship that is always romantic, sexy, fulfilling, entertaining, sensational, memorable and super hot, then you should end every relationship at about 3 months. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeLoveNoWar Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 well, I cannot agree with Cad Rake, I think and beleive you shouldn't compromise, it's hard to say that, because we don't know all the "details", including the small ones, but from my prespective and point of view, you know what you want, you say it, you feel it, so stick with it, It seems that the format of getting toghether 1, 2 or even 3 times a week can be good, so why living toghether? You know how to get orgasm, so why live without it? it's way too important, Hope it can help in some way... All The Best Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 In a relationship, you should be able to be completely happy with everything, not just part. Never settle for less than 110%. It will end up that all of the things you don't like about him and the relationship will cause resentment later on. If you really love this one though, counceling before you make commitment might be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 If you really love this one though, counceling before you make commitment might be helpful. Already seems more than a little committed - she and her son are living with him! Freckles, you don't say anything about his background. If he made to his 40's unmarried and childless, he may simply be set in his ways (there may also be a reason no other woman grabbed him ). If you put enough pressure on him, he could probably "pretend" for a short period of time but, like Popeye, he is what he is. The next move is yours... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 In a relationship, you should be able to be completely happy with everything, not just part. Never settle for less than 110%. You're living in a dream world. No relationship is "perfect," because nobody is willing or able to give you EXACTLY what you need. Another word for wanting "110%" from another person is "GREED." People who get greedy wind up with nothing at all. If you're reasonably compatible with your mate and don't fight a whole lot, consider yourself lucky. Shoot for perfection and you will spend your life hopping from one person to the next and will never find anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 I really don't know what to do........I have tried talking to him and see slight improvement, but feel myself getting bitter.....not who I want to be...I'd rather be single, than be bitter. I try to put on my happy face, but feel like I could do better, but am scared I'm being too picky.... Your gut is telling you something, freckles. Listen to it. In the right relationship, your man would be doing everything he could to make sure you have no doubts about him. The behavior of the guy you're with is indicating that he doesn't care enough. It's just not that important to him. You can either accept it the way it is, or end the relationship. But I think you're wasting your time asking him to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 Your gut is telling you something, freckles. Listen to it. In the right relationship, your man would be doing everything he could to make sure you have no doubts about him. The behavior of the guy you're with is indicating that he doesn't care enough. It's just not that important to him. You can either accept it the way it is, or end the relationship. But I think you're wasting your time asking him to change. Rinse and repeat ... Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 In the right relationship, your man would be doing everything he could to make sure you have no doubts about him. What intelligent man would make sure his woman has no doubts about him? That kind of thing doesn't keep a woman interested. Would "The Rules" recommend a woman do this for her man? No, pretty much all collective wisdom on the topic recommends that women keep the man guessing.. that increases his desire for her. Wouldn't a man want to do that to a woman as well? Once a woman has no doubts about you, she also has no interest in you. Women want the guys they can't have. Giving her "no doubts" is a sure way to make her uninterested and bored. Therefore, it becomes clear than any man who leaves you "no doubt" that he interested... is a dolt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 My mom had surgery, so I've not been online much.... I think whoever said,"go with your gut" might be on to something. I've heard people also say about relationships, "If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't " It's just such a hard decision. When in the grand scheme of things, he's a decent guy. When I do openly discuss my needs (and encourage him to do the same) I do see him trying alot...I guess now I just need to wait and see if he "gets it" or is just trying to pacify me and see if he will eventually slip back into the sometimes selfish person I've seen.... Things have improved and I've decided to not bring it up and let his actions speak. I think if he falls back into the "old him" I just won't have another talk about it, rather it will be time to make a mature decision and part ways. Cad Rake: This isn't about me, me, me....I give ALOT! I love with all of my being, I respect him, am considerate, open minded, honest,loving etc...I just expect the same in return...and feel I'm not getting as much as I'm giving. That's all.....and in a happy healthy relationship, one should feel that peaceful, easy feeling and be free to just "be" with one another without keeping count or keeping track, but if it's one sided alot, then one starts to do just that and says to oneself, "wait a minute" this is lopsided. It's just that I'm nervous about the what if. I also know there are alot of women that would probably say, I've got it good.....what am I complaining about, he is honest, trustworthy, a decent guy, BUT......is that enough and can I do better.....or do I "settle" and remain 75% happy? OR.......end up alone if I don't find someone else down the road. How high do we set the bar? I guess that is my original point. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 freckles your post seems to have changed from your having a lot of discontent into confusion about what is the bar for discontent. If you are expecting a perfect relationship, rest assured you're going to be unhappy and/or lonely for a long, long time to come. If you feel you have a good man, though he has some problems in his behaviour towards you or your son, and if he is willing to work on them, and to respect your needs, then you shouldn't let it go. It is better to work on your marriage and to go for counseling or to just communicate more with him about what you need and how he can address that, while at the same time, being more sensitive to his needs and his issues also and finding a work-around for that, rather than just insisting that everything should be your way ... Bottom line, is he willing to work on your marriage and to try to become perfect and to be there and do things for you, and similarly can you in the same way work on your marriage and accept him as being imperfect and to be there and do things for him ? If the answer is yes, then hang on to him. If the answer is that you both don't give a damm, well, there you have your own answer. Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 My mom had surgery, so I've not been online much.... I think whoever said,"go with your gut" might be on to something. I've heard people also say about relationships, "If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't " It's just such a hard decision. When in the grand scheme of things, he's a decent guy. When I do openly discuss my needs (and encourage him to do the same) I do see him trying alot...I guess now I just need to wait and see if he "gets it" or is just trying to pacify me and see if he will eventually slip back into the sometimes selfish person I've seen.... Things have improved and I've decided to not bring it up and let his actions speak. I think if he falls back into the "old him" I just won't have another talk about it, rather it will be time to make a mature decision and part ways. Cad Rake: This isn't about me, me, me....I give ALOT! I love with all of my being, I respect him, am considerate, open minded, honest,loving etc...I just expect the same in return...and feel I'm not getting as much as I'm giving. That's all.....and in a happy healthy relationship, one should feel that peaceful, easy feeling and be free to just "be" with one another without keeping count or keeping track, but if it's one sided alot, then one starts to do just that and says to oneself, "wait a minute" this is lopsided. It's just that I'm nervous about the what if. I also know there are alot of women that would probably say, I've got it good.....what am I complaining about, he is honest, trustworthy, a decent guy, BUT......is that enough and can I do better.....or do I "settle" and remain 75% happy? OR.......end up alone if I don't find someone else down the road. How high do we set the bar? I guess that is my original point. Hi Freckles, I hope your Mom is doing well after her surgery and is briskly on the mend. Oh how well I know what a hard decision this is! I do think it's significant that he is trying. (I got the impression from your first post that he wasn't.) But you're right, they can so easily slip back into their old ways. I think you're right not to bring it up, and to let his actions prove themselves. And as for how high to set that bar... I think it should be set to exactly the same setting as our personal, internal Happy Barometer - which has nothing to do with other people. Bottom Line: Life is too short to be unhappy. If he is making you unhappy, it is time to move on. Quickly. But if there is something about him that tugs on your heartstrings, then stick around for awhile and see what happens. It's OK to play it by ear. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 What intelligent man would make sure his woman has no doubts about him? That kind of thing doesn't keep a woman interested. Would "The Rules" recommend a woman do this for her man? No, pretty much all collective wisdom on the topic recommends that women keep the man guessing.. that increases his desire for her. Wouldn't a man want to do that to a woman as well? Once a woman has no doubts about you, she also has no interest in you. Women want the guys they can't have. Giving her "no doubts" is a sure way to make her uninterested and bored. Therefore, it becomes clear than any man who leaves you "no doubt" that he interested... is a dolt. Cad Rake, my Momma warned me about boys like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 Hello all, thanks for writing in. I don't have much time, but wanted to let you all know that we aren't married....it's a life partnership (7 yrs) does that make a difference in your outlook? I'll write more later....he is in the next room.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Well, if you both feel like you're married, if there's that level of commitment between you, then yes, you are married and no, it wouldn't make a difference really. But if you don't feel that kind of commitment to each other, ofc, it makes a difference in your whole outlook to everything ... I'd of said 7 years is as good as marriage. If you feel that even after all this time you're just not a couple, there's a whole new lot of issues in there that need thinking about heh Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 That being said, I am currently in a almost 2 yr. relationship. ....it's a life partnership (7 yrs) does that make a difference in your outlook? Which is it? 2 years or 7 years? Whether married or not doesn't make any real difference. If you expect perfection you will be a very unhappy person who is never satisfied. Somebody said expect 110% Uhmmmm, no. Expect to be happy more often than unhappy, though. You know your internal happy meter. Is it more often on the happy side or more often on the unhappy side? When you talk to your guy about the unhappiness, is he responsive? What do you truly expect from a relationship? If you expect that every single one of your needs is met, then do you also expect that you meet every single on of your SO's needs? Are you expecting to play with a deck that's stacked in your favor, or are you expecting fairness for both? No one here can answer your question, all we can do is pose more for you to answer for yourself. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Don't just go with your gut... use your brain! Your gut is just there to tell you when and where to start thinking! Emotions change like the wind... instead make a decision based on truth and logic. The only part that really makes me worry is his lack of attention to your child! You need to evaluate the triangle relationship between you three. Are you hampering them from building a relationship? Or is he just not interested? Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 Which is it? 2 years or 7 years? If you expect perfection you will be a very unhappy person who is never satisfied. Somebody said expect 110% Uhmmmm, no. Expect to be happy more often than unhappy, though. You know your internal happy meter. Is it more often on the happy side or more often on the unhappy side? When you talk to your guy about the unhappiness, is he responsive? What do you truly expect from a relationship? If you expect that every single one of your needs is met, then do you also expect that you meet every single on of your SO's needs? Are you expecting to play with a deck that's stacked in your favor, or are you expecting fairness for both It is 7 years total. 2 years on the second chance/this time around..... I don't expect perfection....I'm not asking for perfection. That is unrealistic. I know that and know that I am not perfect either. I'm trying to figure out how much "should" I expect??? What things are worth overlooking due to other things being good between us and what things I "shouldn't" overlook..... When I talk to him about things, he does try but I feel that he slides back into the same old routine after a while. (i.e does what he needs to do to pacify me and then it starts to slip again....) I don't want a "deck that is stacked in my favor" but I want one that is more evenly stacked.....and it isn't. When things aren't evenly stacked you start to look at what is missing on his stack...and you say to yourself, "Can I live without these things?" or...am I just expecting too much?" That is where this was going....NOT, that I'm needing or have to have 110%. But if I'm not getting at least 75%, is the good worth overlooking that things that are missing? Or is it just me and I'm being to judgemental and asking for too much... That is what I was trying to figure out....The pros vs. the cons and are the cons not that big of a deal....OR.......SHOULD I be making a big deal out of them as they should be dealbreakers for most folks... Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 I'd say if you're over 50% it's not bad, and if you're over 67% it's good, over 75% would be excellent imho, and 100% does not exist as you know Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
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