I would like to kill him right now

[overseas2004]

I got married five months ago at the age of 39. I waited a long time because I just couldnt find someone who I loved that wasnt a jerk. Finally I met someone I love and care for who for the most part is really nice. But then, there is that day once every month where he absolutely drives me insane. It comes every month without a doubt and this month...its today.

 

I am writing in hopes that someone can help me calm down because I would like to throw this computer right through the window. It started this morning when I tried to make love to him. We are trying to have a baby and its ovulation time. He said he didnt feel like it and I got upset. I didnt feel like it either but today is the day you know. Anyway he walks away from me making some nasty comment about how I smell like onion and I better watch what I am eating. I got really mad and we started yelling at each other. At some point he grabbed me by my arm and pushed me down on the bed.

 

That really upset me and I decided I was going to leave. So I packed my bags and went out the door. He came after me and told me to go back in the house and calm down a bit. I went into my room and started crying. After a while he came in and hugged me and I guess we made up.

 

Fast forward to tonight. We were watching a movie and he started getting frisky with me. We paused the movie and went to make love in the bed. When we finished he got up and went into the TV room. I cant get up because the doctor told me that I shouldnt for at least 2-3 hours. I asked my husband to carry me to the TV room and he refused. I thought he was kidding so I was like come on stop funning with me and come over here. He continued to refuse and just shut the door and left me here in the room.

 

I just dont understand what happens to the nice and considerate person I know the other 29 days of every month. I also dont know how to deal with it.

I am afraid that if I stay here and continue this way it will get worse.

 

Help...

[Touche]

Does he want to have a child as much as you do?

 

As far as the pushing you down on the bed, that is completely unacceptable..or it should be to you. You need to put a stop to that. Don't tolerate it. Have you asked him why he's like this once a month? What does he say? This is really tough..who knows why he's like that? Manic depression maybe?

 

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will NOT put up with his abusive and mean behavior..even if it is only once a month. That's once a month too often. Did he display this kind of behavior before you married him? Could it be fear of fatherhood? Does it happen around the time you "have" to make love?

 

I'm stumped. Not enough information here to really say what's making him act this way. But I wouldn't tolerate it for one more day.

[overseas2004]

I dont think it is possible to want a child as much as I do but the answer to the question is not that he is afraid. He has a child already from another marriage. So he isnt afraid of having another and he has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants one. I do know that sometimes he dislikes when we have to make love.... but that is not my fault and I certainly dont think that I should put up with it.

 

Now here is the question for you that I cant figure out. How do I stop it?

 

Answer to your third question no, he did not display this behavior before we got married, that is the behavior of grabbing me by my arm and pushing me down on the bed.

 

Last month, he threw a glass of water in my face when we were over at a friends house. I tried to leave then too but he held me back.

 

I dont know if leaving is the way to work it out, but I am afraid that if I stay, I may end up acquiesing to this kind of behavior and I am definately not ready to do that.

 

Please help

[directx]

You know, he might need some anger management or something is REALLY bothering him that he is not telling you about.

 

I do not, in any way, excuse his behavior. To put it mildly, he is VIOLENT.

And he is not only violent, but MEAN. I don't want to turn this into a pile on session on him, but I find it disturbing.

[overseas2004]

I thought I might clarify some more. My husband moved here from Europe to live with me. He gave up a huge job offer when we decided to live here and get married. I have a really high powered job and I make a ton of money. He was just not there yet in his career but that was his decision to move here since we felt we would have a better life in the U.S.

 

I know that he has frustrations with learning English, not being able to work yet, not having control over the money etc... And I can tell you that some of our fights occur because of that. In fact, the water in my face fight occurred because he started talking about how he was going to be making 10,000 a month within five years. I told him that he shouldnt set goals like that. That making that much money is hard to do unless you have a business. Well that set him off and we started arguing and boom, I got a glass of water thrown in my face.

 

I am trying really hard to do the right thing. I really love him and to be totally fair the other days we have spent together except for the five fights we have had (one each month) he is hugging and kissing and loving and supportive and pretty much the kind of guy a girl could only dream of having. He even helps around the house. Drives me to meetings and waits for me. I mean evrything.

 

Still... I think that what happens here from time to time is a dangerous slope.

 

I think its funny as I sit here by myeself (he is sleeping on the couch tonight) All my life I dreamt of getting married and how wonderful it would be. Well its not that I was wrong but man sometimes it sucks.

[whichwayisup]

I got married five months ago at the age of 39.

 

And how long did you know him before you two dated and got married?

 

Honestly, it seems you may not know ALL about your husband...And, with stresses of getting pregnant, and other things, it's getting to him and he's handling it the wrong way. An unhealthy way...

 

He has anger problems and what he has done, the way he's treated you, alone AND in the company of friends IS abusive.. He has issues and needs to deal with them by going to therapy. Anger and control issues!

 

I hate to say this, but you need to hear it. Think about not getting pregnant by him... BE sure 100% that he can BE a husband to you, let alone a good and loving father. Right now the behaviour he's displaying should show he isn't ready to have more kids. His words may tell you he is, but his actions certainly don't.

[overseas2004]

Well I think I am going to have a child with him if I can no matter what. I am going to be forty in five days and this is probably my last chance. Lots of kids grow up with single parents and they turn out fine. SO I hope you dont mind if I dont take that peice of advice.

 

I dont come from a culture where you go to therapy. It doesnt mean that I wouldnt but I am sure he would not. I can tell from the way he acts after these fights that he doesnt think he did anything wrong.

 

Now to move on to your next thought, I agree. I do think that even though we have a good marriage on most levels, this is very bad. I am very afraid of where it will lead. However I am very very far from throwing the towel in. I just have to think of a strategy of how to deal with this.

[overseas2004]

Oh you asked me how long I knew him. we dated for a year before I married him. I am sure I dont know everything about him. We did have fights when we dated but they never got physical. I would have left them if they did.

 

But again those fights were never huge. Most of the time we got along.

 

Our fights do not always co-incide with me trying to get pregnant. So I am not sure that it is because he doesnt want kids. It sure does not seem like that. He talks about having another one all the time. He suggested we go get tested at the clinic to make sure that everything is all right since we have been trying for a long time. And when we first got married I was pregnant and he was estatic. when I lost the pregnancy he was depressed for days. He was worse than me.

 

I dont think it is about having a kid. I think though that he does resent having sex when we have to. I dont like it either frankly but I accept it as a necessary part of our life right now.

[Touche]

Two things I wanted to add. One is that this might be tied into the fact that he's making less money than you are now. I think your remark to him wasn't so nice. His self-esteem isn't at his highest now probably. In many cases, men really tie their masculinity in with their incomes. You should be encouraging him and not putting him down by telling him that his expectations are unrealistic. That was wrong.

 

The fact that you make more money than he does, coupled with the fact that he can't get you pregnant (whether it's his fault or not) might make him feel like he's less of a man. So I would not say anything that would encourage that kind of thinking on his part. Right now, you need to pump him up, not tear him down.

 

Now with all of that said, I don't want you to think that I'm saying that his behavior is acceptable. Throwing a glass of water in your face? NO! VERY wrong. Pushing? Absolutely shouldn't be tolerated. I think the poster who said he has trouble managing his anger is right. And I'm afraid, these things only get worse. You have to tell him that you'll leave him if it continues...and MEAN it. Because I swear to you, these types of things only escalate. Next time he gets angry he might hit you.

[VIP]

I think he might be missing his country and getting bored without work, feeling worthless. Does he really want to live in the US or is he doing this just to please you?