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dante's furnace

I'm 45, married for 14 years. We have one child who is 6. I am miserable in this marriage and miserable in life. I don't know if one thing is affecting the other but probably. My child brings me joy but there are serious problems in the marriage. Me with her and her with me.

 

Nothing really turned out the way I expected it to, my life is a complete mess. Almost everyday I have bouts of sadness. My wife "Jill" tells me she runs to the washroom at work and cries sometimes. I cry too.

 

We have talked divorce etc. But I am petrified of losing everything and being poor. I feel I have a responsiblilty towards my child (and of course I do) to not break up a family. I feel that I should just "suck it up".

 

I am no longer in love with my wife. I don't know what happened or how but it's been like this for several years. We haven't had sex in 4 years. There is very little affection between us. We used to argue ALOT - major screaming fights and throwing things and slamming doors etc. but that seems to have died off. It's just too exhausting for both of us and our child is upset by this.

 

We went to marriage counselling a few years ago but it did nothing.

 

I feel so sick and disappointed and I don't know what to do. No-one in our family knows anything about this and they all think things are OK. I have no one to talk to. (though I do see a counsellor).

 

I want to be happy more than anything in the world. I feel trapped and badgered and sick.

 

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

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Dante,

Just stop being so unhappy , change your mind and your outlook and decide to be happy . If your life is unhappy find some small things that are fulfilling and do them and then move onto something more fullfilling. Go home tonight and say or do something sweet for your wife, make a list of nice inexpensive things and check them all off . You'll see , before long the niceties will be reciprocated , and your M will spice back up , as well as your life . If your wife takes a while to come around just be patient , it will happen.

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I like TTs suggestion! Okay, you are not happy and you don't want to keep being like that, so now it is time for positive action. Yes, do nice things for your wife that is a good idea. Doing nice things for a person makes you feel good, and since that person is your wife, you should get an extra boost out of it. Keep doing nice things. Stick to your determination to be happy.

 

Examine the things that are problems between you. Have you talked about these to your current counselor? You said you tried MC several years ago. How long did you try? Why did you stop? Sometimes you may get unlucky with the counselor, maybe try again with someone else.

 

Get some books that you and your wife could work through together to examine where your problems are. Sit down and talk to each other about what is wrong and why it is wrong. Communicate with each other. Sometimes we allow ourselves to get into a rut and then we get so unhappy that we think we have fallen out of love with someone, but that is not necessarily the case. You two have been together for a very long time, even before your child came, so maybe that love can be rekindled if you give it some tender loving care. Right now it is a weak and feeble flame, but if you both think back on what brought you together in the first place and try and rededicate to that you might be able to reinvigorate it.

 

If none of that works or if you really don't feel like you want to even bother trying anymore, then you should probably get a divorce. You don't want your child to grow up seeing two parents who are miserable with their lives and with each other. You want your child to grow up with happy and healthy parents. You want your child to see what two people who love each other are like. What a healthy relationship is like. Yes, change is scary, but all three of you deserve the right to be happy and healthy.

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True unhappiness in a relationship often comes from the stress of "hiding", of being afraid to show your partner what and how you really are socially, sexually, emotionally and personally. Have you really opened up to your wife and shared you wants, needs, dreams, goals and emotions with her? Do you understand hers? I would second the recommendation to continue counselling (IC or MC) because it sounds like very little real communication is going on here. As down as you sound, you don't have much to lose...

 

Mr. Lucky

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amaysngrace

I think it's the lack of sex. You guys need to get laid. Tonight.

 

Four years??? How can you go four years without sex???

 

No wonder you're unhappy and she cries too.

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You are afraid of being poor, but I think you should be more afraid of wasting your life. You are not happy, she is not happy - end the misery, divorce, take a chance to be happy again.

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I was afraid of being poor. It stifled me.

 

The divorce took place anyway.

 

Now, 13 years later, she's poor and I'm better than merely comfortable.

 

All my family was dead so I was going it alone. I'm much better off without her than I ever was with her.

 

If you want to be happy and nothing else has worked, take the chance and leave.

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I think it's the lack of sex. You guys need to get laid. Tonight.

 

Gotta agree with that !!

 

In addition- do you exercise? It's summer so are you getting outside and biking/running/skating/whatever until your shirt is soaked in sweat? If not I can guarantee you will feel like an entirely different person afterwards. Try it for a few days and report back to us.

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