Am i expecting too much from him?

[tripledigit]

Hello,

 

I got married a few months ago and am already feeling that my marriage is so empty.

 

My husband is a caring, loving person and many people probably think I don't have much to complain about. Objectively I can see this, but why then am I feeling so empty and lonely inside? I don't know if my feelings stem from my own insecurities or if there is something that I can do about our relationship? Please read below about my summary of the situation and any advice would be appreciated.

 

My husband loves soccer, hanging out with the boys and playing internet games. He is 30 and yet he still likes to go to internet cafes and play warcraft (an online game) until the early hours of the morning. Many of the friends he plays with are single guys. Before we got married, I said to him that I couldn't tolerate this and he promised he would change when we got married. He has stopped this a bit, but he still goes about once a week. Often he goes and plays without letting me know - he says he is going out with boys for something else and will only be a few hours - then I sit at home and don't hear from him till about midnight, at which time I would call him and then find out he's at the internet cafe. To give him credit, he usually tries to come home immediately (after he "finishes his current game") but I feel that if I hadn't called him then he would stay up till much later.

 

To give an idea of the emptiness in our relationship, here is an example of a typical week in our married lives:

 

- Monday to Friday - i work very late. He gets home earlier and starts the cooking then picks me up from the train station when I get home. We get home and cook together, then eat (normally in front of the tv, he might be playing playstation), then he plays playstation for the rest of the night (I sometimes play or watch him). I have said that we need to stop the playstation thing but he is addicted to the game.

 

- Friday night - sometimes we go out with friends, sometimes we stay home and have a quiet night and sometimes he leaves me at home alone and goes out with friends. More particularly over the last few weeks, he has left me at home and gone to the pub to watch the soccer. After that, he sometimes comes home and other times, stays out till late and I go to bed by myself.

 

- Sat - he wakes up no earlier than nearly noon, we have lunch and then usually we spend Sat together. Usually doing chores and then grocery shopping. often he plays playstation.

 

- Sunday - he wakes up no earlier than nearly noon, we have lunch, then he goes off to play soccer with the boys and then comes home after dark. Sometimes he has dinner with his friends and goes off to internet cafe so I don't see him till quite late.

 

The thing is, many of my friends have said that I should be grateful that all he is doing with his friends is soccer or computer games and there are much worse things I could be worried about. Which is very true, but why is it that i feel that my life is stuck in a rut? I need a husband who I can share things and have meaningful conversations with, not someone who turns on the tv or computer as soon as we get home. And every day, his friends call him frequently and I sometimes feel that he enjoys his time with the boys than with me.

 

Am I expecting too much? There is nothing concrete that I can complain about because he doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't drink, he helps with housework, he shows care for me. I just feel sometimes that we don't quite "share" our lives. that he is engrossed in his life of soccer and hanging out with the boys and I'm just the wife in the background that is around at home when he gets here and someone he can cuddle and kiss.

 

I have spoken to him about this emptiness but he does not understand. He feels that by spending time with me at home together is enough even if it is a night in front of the playstation! or even if we got out with friends but he spends more time talking to his friends than with me.

 

What shoudl i do?

[luvstarved]

Well, what were things like BEFORE you got married? Sounds like they were not very different...but that your H claimed "things would change" once you got married.

 

That is mutual mistake number one. Saying that marriage will change fundamental dynamics in the relationship...believing someone when they say it. Yes, people make adjustments when and because they have to, but not just because a ceremony took place.

 

And yes you are lucky that the time you are missing from him is spent playing games with the guys vs porn, drinking, cheating, etc. But that does not mean that it is healthy for the relationship to just let him do his own thing whenever and leave you alone...no matter how innocent an activity it is. Marriage is supposed to be about sharing lives...not households...

 

On the other hand, if you try to control too much and straitjacket him away from doing things he loves, then resentment will build...and will be likely exacerbated by his single friends who may chide him that he is now "whipped".

 

What to do, what to do. It is hard to know how willing to compromise you both are, but I think that the only workable solution is to talk about it and try to find a compromise. From your side, though, I would strongly recommend that when you broach the subject, you have on hand some alternate suggestions for activities that you can do together, and PLEASE present it as it really is - that you miss and crave his company, try to avoid nagging and putting down the game playing, then he will only feel pressured and insulted.

 

Most guys like to have their time with the boys and are very sensitive to the notion that they would be seen as being on a "short leash". So I would just tell him that you appreciate that he enjoys the game playing but that you do not feel you have enough time together. Maybe suggest a weekend away together, but at least have SOME type of ideas, and things that he could really enjoy...it won't work if you ask for this time together and then just expect him to hang around the house with you more. He will get restless.

 

It's okay to gently remind him that he led you to believe that this would not be so much of an issue once you got married. Find a reasonable amount of time to agree on that he can devote to this (1 hour of playstation, 1 night of going out, for example) and find other things to do together, and find things to do on your own when it is "game time". If you are really assertive, or if he really resists, then I would tell him that he is free to play games 24 hours a day, but not stay married to you at the same time! That you're willing to be reasonable and work out a compromise, but that what is going on now is not what you want out of a marriage. But I would not say anything so strong unless you were honestly prepared to back it up. First of all, it would be dishonest. But also, when you get caught bluffing, it generally only makes things worse, change becomes less likely...

 

The other thing I would suggest as the weekend approaches is to ask in advance whether he plans to play soccer on Sunday, for example...tell him that you want to be able to plan for whether you will be together or not, so that you can find something else to do while he is out with his friends. For some guys, just the notion that their wives will be going out doing something without THEM is enough to redirect their attention!! But again, this should not be a bluff. FIND something else to do, and then go enjoy it. You will feel better knowing you didn't just sit at home stewing while he had fun. Hopefully this would lead to you finding new things to do that you can bring him into later...and knowing you aren't going to just sit around and "be there" should motivate him too.

 

Best of luck...

[VIP]

I think you should develop some interests of your own. People need alone time, men and women have different hobbies and interests. He has his interests, why don't you?

[whichwayisup]

First off, he needs to not play games or watch TV while having dinner. You two use that time to talk about your day, connect with eachother. Plan time each week that you two do stuff together, a movie, dinner, go for a walk, see a play or go to sporting event. A concert or something...He's spending too much time doing the things he likes, and yes - It is okay for him to love his hobbies, but if he over does it, like he's doing now, your marriage will suffer because of it. You both need to compromise...Come up with something fair that will make you both happy.

 

I think you need to tell him how it makes you feel when he is gone all night. Personally, I wouldn't want my H going out nightly and coming home late all the time. It would piss me off and make me unneeded and neglected. And, that's not what a marriage is all about...Part of being in a marriage is giving up certain things, like all your freedom. It becomes "we" and not "me." He has another person to consider, you - His wife - not just his needs and desires...

 

I'm sure once you two talk, things will get better and you'll come to some sort of compromise that's fair.

[Mr. Lucky]

He has stopped this a bit, but he still goes about once a week.

I don't see anything wrong with going out with the guys to play a sport one night a week and would encourage you to find a similar activity or group of friends that you like. However, I agree with WWIU - the PS use at home can be a problem and you need to talk to him about it. Sounds like you two have the foundation for a successful M, just need to fine tune it a little...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Enema]

As other posters have said, you need to find your own activities.

 

Your life can't revolve around spending every second with him.

 

Also, it's all well and good to whinge about him playing too many games and wanting him to stop but you have to suggest something to replace it.

 

"After that level, take a break and let's watch a DVD", is better than:

"You shouldn't play so many video games"

[norajane]

You haven't said anything about what YOU like to do and what YOUR hobbies and interests are. Do you have any? If you are stuck in a rut, I don't see why you expect him to suddenly change anything...you haven't changed anything about yourself either.

 

If you want him to do less of what he's doing, you need to find something to replace it - something you can do together. Make dinner plans with friends, plan to go do something fun over the weekend, sign up for ballroom dancing or something you can do together. If you haven't tried to suggest anything specific you can do, then you can't fault him for doing the same old things all the time. It's not like he's turned you down when you've suggested something else - you haven't suggested anything that's fun for both of you.

[tripledigit]

Thank you for the feedback everybody.

 

To respond to some of the questions people have posed:

 

(1) Organising my own events - I do try to do it, but there are some times when that doesn't work because (a) sometimes he lets me know his plans at the last minute (which I have said he needs to improve on) so that means I don't have much time to organise something and (b) sometimes when I organise something, my girl friends already have made plans. Unlike his single guy friends, most of my girl friends are eithere partnered up and have their own couple plans or have just given birth to babies and can't do things and © even if we go out, our activities are not ones which can sustain us till the early hours of the morning - llike, we would have dinner, catch a movie, go for drinks to catch up but that doens't last till say 4am, whereas his friends are available 24/7 and can stay out all night with the things that they do.

 

i woudl love to do more things with my friends, but their life circumstances are different from his guy friends which limits the amount of time i can spend with them. Two weeks in a row, I tried to organise things for Friday night but it was really depressing when all my friends already had plans with their partners.

 

I am looking at enroling in short courses or other interests that hoopefully will keep me occupied at least for some of the time that he is out.

 

(2) Whether i suggest other things to do - yes. But we only have saturday to go for day trips and even then, it is limited because he wakes up so late and then we need to do our weekly chores. Sunday is the day he plays soccer, and i don't and won't be able to make him change it. He has said to me that that is the day he looks forward to the most and he is so excited about it. I mean, sport is a good thing so I don't think I would ask him to stop it anyway. It does mean that we get limited time to spend together cos he plays right after lunch till it gets dark.

 

(3) Yes, i do tell him to stopp playstation and that we can watch a movie or something instead. But even if we do seomthing else, I know that his mind is not on it, and I feel like I am controlling him and telling him what to do and what not to do.

 

The other thing is that his activities with his friends are not ones that I can even be brought along to, and also, it is all guys he hangs out with - so it's not like I would be welcomed. He has made it clear that the group would not appreciate me being there when they go out, it's their "boy" time. Fair enough, I wouldn't want to be the seen as the controlling wife that goes along to their boy things but it also makes me feel so unneeded.

[VIP]

Fair enough, I wouldn't want to be the seen as the controlling wife that goes along to their boy things but it also makes me feel so unneeded.

 

It's all in your head. He needs you, but that doesn't mean he should prove it by spending all the time with you. He doesn't think he has to choose between his interests and you. How did you live before you met him? What did you do in your spare time? There are so many opportunities for self-improvement and education. Besides, couples, that spend all their time together get tired of each other. I presonally gave up the idea of watching a movie together, because I don't like to watch the kind of movies he likes, and he gets bored with my movies. So we have two different TVs. I don't go fishing with him, because I don't like fishing, but never once I felt unneeded, when he spent evenings fishing. Same with the playstation, it's his hobby, who am I to take it away from him? Marriage doesn't mean that people must loose their freedom.

[Mr. Lucky]

You've got a lot of reasons, Tripledigit, why things can't work - can't do things together, can't do things alone, can't enjoy time together...

 

Problem solving is based on what you CAN do. What are your ideas for improving your life together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[bellarouge]

U should find a hobbie of your own and at first it may be hard learning to do things seperately but you will enjoy it. You never know you H may start to become jealous and realise what he is missing. Maybe once he is in your shoes knowing what is like to wait for you to come home, he may start to appreciate your company.

You cant spend the rest of your life waiting for someone else to make you happy. Find something that you enjoy. Maybe it may be something that you can both enjoy, which will solve all your troubles.

[Cobra_X30]

He needs to structure his time for playing. Honest when gaming you dont feel time the same way, so its important to set time restrictions.

 

If you got into the games a little bit he would probably appreciate you on a completely different level.

[caramba]

I dont think people are listening to the poster.

 

Yes, she can find a hobby to do a couple of times a week, but like with most hobbies or sports it will be over after 2-3 hours and bring you home at a decent hour at night.

 

Her H can easily stay out till 4 am and play videogames! So the chances of him waiting at home for her and being "jealous" are veeeery slim.

 

I don't think he should be out that late and leave his wife alone half the night. It's not like hes being paid to do it. I'm with the poster here. This is more about him being selfish and childish than her needing a hobby of her own.

[Enema]

I dont think people are listening to the poster.

 

Yes, she can find a hobby to do a couple of times a week, but like with most hobbies or sports it will be over after 2-3 hours and bring you home at a decent hour at night.

 

Her H can easily stay out till 4 am and play videogames! So the chances of him waiting at home for her and being "jealous" are veeeery slim.

 

I don't think he should be out that late and leave his wife alone half the night. It's not like hes being paid to do it. I'm with the poster here. This is more about him being selfish and childish than her needing a hobby of her own.

 

He does this once a week on Sunday after he plays sport.

They spend most every Monday-Friday night together at home.

They spend Saturday together.

 

The OP is too needy and is trying to monopolize his time.