Husband an ass or wife a whinger?

[bellarouge]

My HB and I have been together for 11 years. We have 2 children and the problem is that as I grow up I feel like I am growing apart from him. He seems to be such a negative person, now to the point when we go somewhere he deliberately says something nasty about someone else. I tend to see life as don’t judge until you have walked in their shoes. He says nothing nice about his friends and we are invited to less and less outings. Some of them even ask me while I am still with him, why have I put up with his BS for so long. These are supposed to be his friends. When I was pregnant, he told me to sign papers for the boat loan or I could find somewhere else to live. I was overdue and didn’t want to go to a concert and he held me by my throat against the wall and told me I was going. While he doesn’t get violent all the time, he has bruised 2 eyes, pinned me against walls, and thrown me across furniture (once in front of my child) He says that I provoke him, and then years later he tries to play it down so I question whether I am making too much out of it. When our second child was born he stated to the nurse that she should be rubbing my back as his taxes paid her wages (now he laughs when he retells the story while others shake their heads in disgust) He left me alone not coming home til 11 at night, raising 2 children because he couldn’t handle the crying of babies, and now he criticizes me for the way I have raised them they are beautiful kids with lovely manners but he thinks they are too emotional when they cry he gets angry with them.

He has forbidden me from seeing my parents as they had a fight years ago. I believe that people can change and that I want to give them ago. His parents have used me. His mother has spread rumors that I have been sleeping with his best friend and other things. I got them out of financial trouble by working for them so that they didn’t have to pay someone else to teach them computer skills. I even cleaned their house while his mother was sick. I have never said to him don’t go near your parents. When we argue he says “but without my parents we would be where we were today as they helped us get a bank loan “ which I believe is untrue, we just would have taken longer. He constantly seeks for approval in his dad, but the one person that keeps him warm at night he dismisses as nagging. But he keeps reminding me that my parents don’t love me and never have. (crappy upbringing long story)

He has not mowed the lawns in 8 years. He used to watch me from the patio clean his boat while he drank beer. He does very little around the house as it is woman’s job. He works for basic wage from 8 til 4 and comes home and says that he earns the money he will do what he pleases. He buys expensive toys(bikes, boats) that we can’t afford and then adds them to the house loan. I struggle to pay bills and he tells me to cut back on spending, even though I can’t. I have tried to show him the budget, and he tells me that it can’t possibly be right. I even consider shoplifting the things I am desperate for. He thinks that drinking 2 bottles of wine in a day is okay. He also thinks that he will enjoy his life however he likes while he is here. I think we should all enjoy our lives, as long as it is not at the expense of others. Quality time is sitting in front of the TV because he is too tired otherwise as he keep reminding me he works very hard though every time I see him at work his is talking or doing little jobs. He has had sores on his legs for 3 years, they are huge but he says that doctors know nothing. His varicose veins as well as lower back pain. I tell him that having a huge beer belly can’t help he tells me to shut up. I have tried speaking rationally to him, aggressively, tearfully and everything in between. Every time he says it’s his life he will spend his money how he wants and do what he wants. I am scared to leave, too many statistics show death and violence from ex partners and sometimes I feel that he would come after me. I have left once for a few days but he promised everything would change so I came back. He tried for a little bit but now is like nothing has changed. I take good care of my kids, I am attractive and take care of myself, my house is spotless, I do all the chores, sex is not an issue for him he still gets it about 3-4 times a week and sulks if he doesn’t. I have even run his club for him which is a full time job in itself. I also work part time. He now wants me to add a 30 hour a week job to that so that we have more money but I know he will not help me anymore than he does now.

Everything seems to come before us, if a friend asks for help he is there, I ask for help and he lets out a deep sigh. If he is late home, I am to call him if I am worried, he doesn’t think he should have to let me know he is fine. He gets his meals brought to him, has all the toys he want, his friends even envy his way of life. I could have had affairs, but the guilt would be too much and I didn’t marry for sex.

My problem is, this is not how I want to spend the rest of like this. How do I stay with someone like this? Am I being too picky, should I be grateful that I have a roof over my head like he says? I can see very little to put in the pros section of the list. Most days I now find myself cringing when I know he is coming home because I wonder what mood he will be in or what I do wrong. Are all marriages this hard? I believe marriage is forever. How do I make ends meet? How do I stop being so sensitive about everything? Why can’t I just leave him and move on? He will not see a marriage counselor. How do I fix this? My kids don't need to see mummy struggle. I am usually an upbeat person but i feel like i am being weighed down. Why do I remember most of the bad and little of the good?

[VIP]

How do I stay with someone like this?

 

There's no reason why you should waste your life like this. And if you do stay, you should set the boundaries. Respect yourself more.

 

Am I being too picky, should I be grateful that I have a roof over my head like he says?

 

There's nothing to be grateful for here.

 

Are all marriages this hard?

 

Marriage is supposed to make you happy, not miserable. Otherwise, what's the point?

 

I believe marriage is forever.

 

I don't think it's worth it, if he is not willing to change. You might want to separate and see what happens.

 

How do I stop being so sensitive about everything?

 

What do you mean by that?

 

Why can’t I just leave him and move on?

 

May be because you love him or see the potential for change? Or may be because you are afraid of the unknown and don't think you can support yourself? May be because you are afraid to be left alone with two children?

 

Why do I remember most of the bad and little of the good?

 

Probably because there's not much good happening in your marriage. And the bad outweighs the good.

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I fix this?

You take the kids, clean out the accounts and get out. Only yourself to blame if you stay as it's obvious that you see this venal, cowardly creep for what he is. If you've already been choked, bruised, thrown and battered, what the heck are you waiting for? Compound fractures? Concussion? Mortal injury?

 

Leave today!

 

Mr. Lucky

[bellarouge]

QUOTE May be because you love him or see the potential for change? Or may be because you are afraid of the unknown and don't think you can support yourself? May be because you are afraid to be left alone with two children?

 

I think you are right. It is comfortable to be here during the day when he is not here it is only the night times that i worry about. I sometimes think that no one is going to want someone with 2 kids. Am I going to find the same sort of jerk in the next relationship? Are all men that way inclined or is there men out there that don't think their wife and kids are burdens and that aren't afraid to show affection and say how they really feel I often wondered whether it is normal to be in an unhappy marriage. Alot of my friends don't seem to be happy, just comfortable with each other but they have money, so their lives are just that little bit easier.

The thought of raising 2 kids alone scares the hell out of me. I spend most hours wondering if i am doing the right thing by them with everything in their life. I am so used to second guessing myself that i dont know whether there is something wrong with me, and that i just overthink things too much.

[bellarouge]

Mr Lucky,

He hasn't done that sort of thing since the birth of our second child 3 years ago, the closest he has come lately is pinning me to a wall while screaming at me, the anger in his eyes frightens me. If this were my best friend or someone else, i would be telling them to leave, its easy to make that call, except when it is me. I have been with him since i was 17, I don't know how to be on my own. I know millions of women leave, but does it make me a coward for staying especially when my whole life has been about not wanting to rockthe boat?

[angel3]

Mr Lucky,

He hasn't done that sort of thing since the birth of our second child 3 years ago, the closest he has come lately is pinning me to a wall while screaming at me, the anger in his eyes frightens me. If this were my best friend or someone else, i would be telling them to leave, its easy to make that call, except when it is me. I have been with him since i was 17, I don't know how to be on my own. I know millions of women leave, but does it make me a coward for staying especially when my whole life has been about not wanting to rockthe boat?

 

Listen to your own advice, please, for your safety and that of your kids! You said it yourself - if it was one of your friends or someone else, you would say GO - that is your answer right there. And as far as 'all he has done lately' - reread what you wrote - is just 'pinning (you) to a wall while screaming at (you)' with anger in his eyes OK, in any way shape or form?

Don't wait - I fear for your kids if you do. This is how it starts, and if you feel frightened, then if being frightened for yourself is not enough to make you feel less cowardly, then summon your strength for your kids. They are only kids and they need you to protect them.

 

I hope you do what is best for you and your children and put your safety first.

[VIP]

You need to find a job first. Financial independence is the first step. It might not be easy to find someone if you have 2 kids. But you are not losing anything by leaving your husband. He will also have to pay child support. Life is short and it's not wise to waste it like that, you can still find love.

[MissMaris]

Wow, this guy sounds like an abuser, through and through. For your sake and your children's sake, please leave him as soon as you can.

 

His years of emotional abuse have taken their toll. You are not even sure you deserve happiness and peace, asking us if you're 'too picky' and should just be grateful for a roof over your head?

 

Hon, a DOG deserves better than that!

 

As for raising the kids yourself, sounds like you pretty much do that already. He will have to pay child support, so you don't have to shoulder the financial burden alone. Yes, it may be difficult but there is no reason to suffer further.

 

I would call a hotline for abused women and talk to someone there to see what your first step should be.

[Curmudgeon]

How do I fix this? My kids don't need to see mummy struggle. I am usually an upbeat person but i feel like i am being weighed down. Why do I remember most of the bad and little of the good?

 

He's an abuser and in a sense, you've actually sanctioned his deplorable behavior by sticking around and being his willing punching bag.

 

You mention the children. They're certainly getting a lesson they'll likely take into their own adult relationship that men have the right to abuse their wives and women are supposed to just take it. After all, children do leasrn what they live.

 

Step #1: Contact an abused women's center and find out your rights and what's available for you and the children to break away and end this cycle of abuse!

[Mr. Lucky]

You mention the children. They're certainly getting a lesson they'll likely take into their own adult relationship that men have the right to abuse their wives and women are supposed to just take it. After all, children do leasrn what they live.

Curmudgeon's point is really at the heart of your original question. The statistics are off the charts (80%+) regarding the number of abusers that grew up in the environment you describe. So the "FIX" you seek is mainly for your kids, trying to get them to a safer, more nurturing environment. Don't you want to protect them ?

 

Mr. Lucky