Our joy, their Dissapointment

[Sobri821]

Hey guys

 

My boyfriend and I found out that I was pregnant a few weeks ago. Since then we have been very excited about the baby, this if the first for both of us. Though it was not planned and we are not 100% ready, we feel blessed and are making the changes necessary to be somewhat ready for baby in February. We told close friends and my parents, everyone has been happy and supportive. Just this past weekend after being very nervous we decided to tell his mother. We wanted to tell both his parents but since his dad was away on business we decided to at least tell one of them face to face and not on the phone.

Some history

 

My boyfriend is a few years younger than me. We come from different backgrounds. I am from Jersey, he is from NC. I’m black he is white, I am Catholic and his parents are Presbyterian. To top it all off we met online. Regardless of how we met and differences we have been going strong in a serious relationship for two years. We never talk about (if) we want to marry we talk more about (when).

 

I have met his family plenty of time and have established a decent relationship with them. They seem to have accepted me. Anyway when we told his mother, the look on her face was worth a thousand words. It was as if we told her my Boyfriend was volunteering to take the Aids vaccine. She could not get any words out and kept saying “You guys threw me a big one.” She kept shaking her head, and asked him how he was going to finish his last year in college. She was upset to the point where she was flustered. She asked if we had marriage plans we said yes but not until after he was done with school. She said “Great at least you’re not marrying just because of a baby”. No maybe I am emotional, but I did not like what she said. For someone so Christian, I expected her to be more concerned about us not marrying, but she was relieved to hear that we were not. I emailed this week, just to let her know that we are not bringing a baby into the world without knowing things will change. I already have my BA and am starting my MA program this fall. My BF and I decided that he needs to finish his BA. I will pursue my MA but at a slower rate. It may take me 3 years instead of the two. I told her that we have began saving since finding out have made lifestyle changes that will benefits us when the baby comes.

 

She wrote me back telling me that she is very disappointed because now her son will be distracted while finishing his last year of college. FYI he would have completed his last year this past may, but they decided that he should pay his own college if he was going to live with me. So he worked a year saved up and can start school again in August. I know a baby is hard work, but many people have children and are able to provide for them. I am blessed with a supportive family, and have been working since I received my BA. She told me that she hope before the baby is born that they can come to accept this change.

 

I want to scream to her that we did not tell her in hopes to seek her approval, we told her because we are proud expected parents and would like to give the opportunity to be involved in our lives. She comes off as though the baby is a problem that will break her son, and screw up his life. If he and I are sure we can do it, I believe they both need to accept that this is happening and try to be excited about the new life that is just as much part of them. I t hurts me that the child I am carrying is viewed as a disappointment and shame in their eyes. We her that we are sorry she is not happy, but we are, and that the door will be open if they ever decided to use it.

[Ladyjane14]

She comes off as though the baby is a problem that will break her son, and screw up his life.

 

How does she know it won't???

How does she know he won't drop out of school? How does she know you two will make it together? How does she know he won't become estranged from this child at some point?

 

Seriously, if you look at the state of families these days, with so many children raised in single parent homes and so many men relegated to an every other weekend presence in their children's lives, I think you can probably see at least some legitimacy in her concern.

 

My in-law's didn't like me when my husband and I married although they love me now.

Like you though, at the time, I couldn't understand why they weren't knee-slappin' happy for us. But.. today, with children of my own, I understand a parent's underlying sense of anxiety. You will too when that little one gets here and even more so as s/he matures.

 

Try not to take it all personally.

They're just nervous for their son. Just because a kid is grown, doesn't mean said kid isn't still your baby.

[whichwayisup]

Let her cool down and whatever you do, don't get into it with her. Be kind and open minded...

 

You do have every right to feel upset and hurt, but don't let it show too much.

 

Give it time, and she'll come around. Don't worry! Plus, it sounds like you have a loving and supportive family, and some good friends, so you have help if you need it...Your BF's mom will have no choice but to accept you and the baby into their family, it just may take abit of time.

[Sobri821]

How does she know it won't???

How does she know he won't drop out of school? How does she know you two will make it together? How does she know he won't become estranged from this child at some point?

 

Seriously, if you look at the state of families these days, with so many children raised in single parent homes and so many men relegated to an every other weekend presence in their children's lives, I think you can probably see at least some legitimacy in her concern.

 

My in-law's didn't like me when my husband and I married although they love me now.

Like you though, at the time, I couldn't understand why they weren't knee-slappin' happy for us. But.. today, with children of my own, I understand a parent's underlying sense of anxiety. You will too when that little one gets here and even more so as s/he matures.

 

Try not to take it all personally.

They're just nervous for their son. Just because a kid is grown, doesn't mean said kid isn't still your baby.

 

 

Their son is not 16 or even 20, he is 24 and have been on his own for a while. If she is worried that he will not be a good father or will become estranged from his child, thats ridicioulous. I think that I should be more worried about that even he should be worried that the same happens to me. Just because men do it more does not mean that women cannot experience and do those same things. The fact is we live together and have been. We are having a child and are both happy. We want them to one day be happy and I can understand she is not throwing a baby shower just yet. I have every right to feel sadden that they are taking this harder than we are. Some times, instead of waisting time being dissapointed that your childs life did not turn out how you mapped it, mamybe they should try and accept it.

[Sobri821]

Let her cool down and whatever you do, don't get into it with her. Be kind and open minded...

 

You do have every right to feel upset and hurt, but don't let it show too much.

 

Give it time, and she'll come around. Don't worry! Plus, it sounds like you have a loving and supportive family, and some good friends, so you have help if you need it...Your BF's mom will have no choice but to accept you and the baby into their family, it just may take abit of time.

 

 

You are so right, I will not get into it with her. Not every family is the same, and though I wish they were as joyous as mine I have to give it time. It is their choice if they want to be involved. The door will always be open. Since I cannot vent to them, i need to vent someway. I just never imagined my first child would be a depressing occasion for anyone. But I too will get over that.

[whichwayisup]

Trust me, once that baby is born, things will be different. And don't let her negative reaction/feelings ruin your bright moment!! Congrats btw!

 

Keep venting here, and we'll help you through this.

[Ladyjane14]

Their son is not 16 or even 20, he is 24 and have been on his own for a while.

 

That's my point. It doesn't matter if he's 24, 44, or 64. She's his mama and she's always going to worry about him. You'll understand more about that as you progress into motherhood.

 

Don't make the relationship between your S/O and his parents about YOU. If you make a rule of that, you'll avoid ALOT of heartache and problems.

 

As my mother-in-law and I developed our OWN separate relationship, we were able to put all that earlier stuff behind us and form a true friendship which stands on it's own.

[mockeryjones]

well not too sure about what to say to future MIL but i wanted to say congrats. babies rock and the first one is always the best (even if it is the most terrifying)

[luvstarved]

Your boyfriend is 24 and you have been together about 2 years. That might sound like deep adulthood and long-term relationship to you, but to a parent, it's a blip. Even the 22 years before you showed up seems briefer than it was, most likely. I have a daughter turning 18 next year, and it really does seem like only yesterday I was changing her diapers!

 

ladyjane is right, and you probably won't really understand that until you are also a parent. It is one of the realities of life...parents seem to be gods when you are small, then in adolescence they become clueless idiots, then when you have your own kids, you finally see them as they are - flawed but honorable people who always did their best for you, and you come to respect how difficult a task that actually was.

 

I know that it hurts your feelings that she is not able to jump for joy but her mind is filled with the uncertainty that life's experiences have taught her to have. People's lives changes DRAMATICALLY when a child comes along, it really does change everything. Of course, she worries how this will affect his future.

 

With all of the other differences you have, you are lucky that his family has accepted you thus far. I am not saying they SHOULD NOT HAVE, but that kind of petty crap happens all the time. My older two daughters are biracial and my parents would not even let my ex come into their house! When I told them I was pregnant with the first one, my Mom's actual words were "Oh, NO!!!!" I did not talk to them for years but finally patched things up (after the breakup) because I wanted my kids to know their grandparents and because, whatever whatever, they were my parents and I was not going to go the whole rest of my life without them. They finally outgrew at least most of their racism and my Mom loves my daughters and treats them like her other grandchildren as far as I can tell and that will have to do!! (she lives 600 miles away so they don't see each other much)

 

So, you're kind of ahead of the game with the "different backgrounds" not being an issue.

 

His Mom is just concerned. If I were you, I would appreciate her honesty because my current MIL tells everyone that everything is fabulous to their face and then complains and gets all passive aggressive in the background and that's no treat either!!

 

Everybody is different, but with time, the VAST MAJORITY of parents will eventually come around and start to get excited for you long before the baby actually arrives and probably try to spoil that little one rotten when they do arrive.

 

She HAS been thrown for a loop. Give her time. What she wants is for her son to be secure and happy and in a long term loving relationship. If that is where he is indeed heading, everything else will fall into place.

 

Believe me, once she feels confident that her son is happy, she will be, too.

[luvstarved]

OOOPS!!! I did mean to also add my congratulations and best wishes!!

[quankanne]

Sobri – I'm sorry that your BF's mom wasn't as excited as you hoped, but I imagine that she was honest in her shock about your happy news. Not because she's against you or a baby or what the future holds, but because a baby at this point is WAY different than what she imagined would be going on in her son's life. If anything, she's going to do her best to adjust to this unexpected surprise, and I wouldn't doubt that she'll warm to the idea even more quickly when she sees how well prepared and mature the two of you are at embracing this new path in life. Meanwhile she's going to do the mom thing and worry for y'all.

 

but I guarantee you that once your baby arrives, she is going to be so in love with that child that she'll wonder how she let herself worry the way she did about things – your baby will most likely be a bond that makes both families even stronger. So don't let your disappointment fester because her response didn't mirror your own family's ... just give her time to adjust to the news, to try it on, so to speak.

 

meanwhile, her comment about "at least you’re not marrying just because of a baby" might have deeper meaning than you realize.

 

you, being Catholic, know about the sanctity of life, as well as the sanctity of marriage. If you and he marry in the church, one of the things you're going to have to face is whether you're marrying of free will, or because there's an existing condition, like the fact that you're pregnant. If you marry for that baby's sake alone, that can be the basis of an unsacramental marriage because there was something "forcing" you into marriage. I know it's something the marriage tribunal looks at when they review petitions for anullment ...

 

coming from that viewpoint, it might not be such a huge leap to say that your BF's mom wants the assurance of knowing that you two will marry because you are able to of free will, and not because you feel you must. She may know of couples who rushed into marriage because of pregnancy and who were completely mis-matched, and eventually that marriage broke up. And she may not wish that on you or her boy, and especially on the innocent little life the two of you created.

 

congratulations on your new arrival ...

[Mr. Lucky]

I t hurts me that the child I am carrying is viewed as a disappointment and shame in their eyes.

One sign of your relative youth is that you're not willing to give to her the consideration and tolerance you're asking to get back. You're somewhat critical of her because her reaction isn't what you wanted or expected. And yet I'm fairly sure that your big news wasn't what she wanted or expected:

 

- You and your boyfriend are different races

- You are different religions

- You are living together unmarried

- You are having a child while unmarried

- He hasn't finished school

 

That could be a lot for some people to process and ponder. Give her the same room (and time) to deal with this that you're asking for in return. As other have said, I'm sure things will change the first time she sees her grandchild. Hope all goes well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Seen_It_All]

And yet I'm fairly sure that your big news wasn't what she wanted or expected:

 

- You and your boyfriend are different races

- You are different religions

- You are living together unmarried

- You are having a child while unmarried

- He hasn't finished school

Mr. Lucky's right. My son is 23 and my biggest fear was him screwing up his college plans and life by getting a girl pregnant. I lectured him continuously and consider myself extremely lucky that this didn't happen. If he wants kids one day he can have them down the road. There's no need to rush it.

 

You're young. You need to understand that not everyone finds an unexpected pregnancy a sheer and utter delight.

[Sobri821]

Mr. Lucky's right. My son is 23 and my biggest fear was him screwing up his college plans and life by getting a girl pregnant. I lectured him continuously and consider myself extremely lucky that this didn't happen. If he wants kids one day he can have them down the road. There's no need to rush it.

 

You're young. You need to understand that not everyone finds an unexpected pregnancy a sheer and utter delight.

 

 

 

I was just using this bored to vent. Please do not chastise me or try to pick me apart because this is not what loveshack is about. I never once in any of my post said anything about not giving them time. I also did not say that I am in anyway being combative with his parents.

 

I have every right to feel how I feel. I know I do not have children as some of you do but I will be a mother soon. I am not writing as a mother with a 20-something, I am writing as a woman expreincing her first child and wishing the people she love can enjoy it too. I am simply uspet and yes, in a perfect world I wish she would jump for joy with me and my BF. What is wrong with that? Remeber your first child? Didnt you want everyone to be happy with you? Did you not find you talked your friends to death about baby? Well I am happy and I am not ashamed of my situation. So what if I want family happy with me? When she accept it and I know she will things will be fine. BUT for right now I can vent and wish she felt how I do.

 

Also, I may be young at 27 years old. I may not be 40ish or mother or 4, but I have been on my own for a decade, working and living. I understand the concept that not everyone celebrates unplanned pregnancies. Maybe to you I am some young girl crying boohoo that someone is not happy about her illegitimate preganacy. I can assure you I am not. Once again, the thread was to vent about how I felt. Not to have the fact that I don't have children and dont understand her view thrown at me.

 

 

 

For all of you who congratulated me, Thanks so much.

[luvstarved]

Hmmmm...I missed the part where you were picked apart. I reread the thread and all I got was people trying to help you to understand the other point of view and trying to reassure you that things would change in time. We also said that we understood how you felt and wished you well. I am not sure why that brought out a defensive reaction from you or what you were expecting.

 

If you just want to vent, and did not intend to solicit honest, heartfelt feedback, then you probably should have done a blog instead of an interactive advice board. loveshack should be about people calling them like they see them. I'll take honesty over insincere agreement any day.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was just using this bored to vent. Please do not chastise me or try to pick me apart because this is not what loveshack is about. I never once in any of my post said anything about not giving them time. I also did not say that I am in anyway being combative with his parents.

 

I have every right to feel how I feel. I know I do not have children as some of you do but I will be a mother soon. I am not writing as a mother with a 20-something, I am writing as a woman expreincing her first child and wishing the people she love can enjoy it too. I am simply uspet and yes, in a perfect world I wish she would jump for joy with me and my BF. What is wrong with that? Remeber your first child? Didnt you want everyone to be happy with you? Did you not find you talked your friends to death about baby? Well I am happy and I am not ashamed of my situation. So what if I want family happy with me? When she accept it and I know she will things will be fine. BUT for right now I can vent and wish she felt how I do.

 

Also, I may be young at 27 years old. I may not be 40ish or mother or 4, but I have been on my own for a decade, working and living. I understand the concept that not everyone celebrates unplanned pregnancies. Maybe to you I am some young girl crying boohoo that someone is not happy about her illegitimate preganacy. I can assure you I am not. Once again, the thread was to vent about how I felt. Not to have the fact that I don't have children and dont understand her view thrown at me.

 

 

 

For all of you who congratulated me, Thanks so much.

I'm starting to think that your potential Mother-Inlaw's concern wasn't just about the pregnancy. You seem to have difficulty seeing any point-of-view other than your own. I'm assumming you already knew your opinion - if you don't want feedback from others, why post on a public forum ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sobri821]

Thanks for all the congrats and reponses. I have had alot of good feedback! Have a good day everyone.