Hurting - re: Strip Clubs

[snowcat]

A little background info: DH and I have been happily married 8 years with three little children. Our marriage is healthy and strong.

The trouble is that my H went on a fishing trip to Canada with his brother and some friends last week - this is something his brother does every year and this year offered to take my H - brother paid. I was glad for him to have a little time away from the busy life of raising three kids.

 

When H came home he told me that they had a great time, but on the way up to their destination, they did stop at a strip club. They had stopped for dinner/drinks and then pulled in at the club. Apparently this is something that happens every year. My H did not know about the tradition and felt uncomfortable but went in with the other guys. He said they stayed for about an hour, had a beer with his brother, sat in the back while the other guys went in private rooms with strippers - then they left.

 

I am really hurt because we have specifically talked about strip clubs in the past and seemed to have an agreement that they are not the place to be, especially after marriage(we are both christians). My husband felt too pressured because his brother was paying for the trip and all.

 

We have talked about it and why it hurt me so much. He has apologized sincerely and feels really bad because I am so upset. My trouble is that I don't want to have sex with him. I feel hurt,used and dirty, and that maybe in his head, no matter what he says, I am being compared in some way. (I've had three kids - my skin is stretched out, I have no boobs left after breastfeeding). We were snuggling last night while watching a movie and I was feeling better just being held and loved, when he wanted me to give him oral. It just made me feel like a stripper and I was back at square one. I feel sad about all of this, and I just want to get over it but I am struggling.

 

My husband is frustrated because he wants to be with me and he loves me but also feels hurt because he is the only one of the guys who didn't get a private room and screw around. He came home, told me what happened and he feels like he is being "punished".

 

Any advice on the situation would be appreciated!

[Krytellan]

I would recommend searching LoveShack for threads with "strip club" in the title. There are plenty and I thing 1 or 2 were VERY similar to your situation.

[Lynna]

Snowcat, I know you are feeling uncomfortable right now. But, it sounds like your husband is trying to be completely open and honest with you, which is the hallmark of a strong marriage. He told you right away what happened and everything that he and they did. It does not sound like he is hiding anything. He probably was uncomfortable there. Remember, he did not know that they were going to stop there, so it is the brother that was at fault in not telling him. The brother should have been aware that he would not be comfortable with the stop. Your H really did not have a lot of choice at that point. Everyone would have given him a really hard time for the rest of the trip if he had stayed out in the car. You know how people pick on the odd one out. Your H would also have been uncomfortable sitting out in the car as other people were going in and out of the club. He should have been told they were going to stop there ahead of time, then he could have stayed at the restaurant or something else, then they could have come back for him. They would still have given him a hard time, but at least he would have been prepared for it and they all would have know that he was not going to join them from the beginning.

 

I know it is a blow to our self-esteem when we think that our husband might be fantasizing about someone else when he is with us. The problem is, we can NEVER know what is going on in someone else's mind. So that is something that could always happen no matter what the situation. That could happen even if he had not gone with them. I know that is hard to hear and I hope it does not make the situation worse for you. But I say it in hopes that it will help you move on. Don't back away from your husband physically over this. He has remained faithful to you, he has remained honest with you, he has come home to you and wants to be with you still and always, the woman he loves. He does not want to be with any other woman. Count yourself VERY blessed in that. Be with your husband, love him and let him love you.

 

Heck, if you are feeling very daring, get some music and some sexy lingerie and give him your OWN strip show. That will turn him on more than ANY of those women and it would kick them out of his head RIGHT away!!! All because he loves and desires only you!

[Lizzie60]

What did you expect your husband to do... sit in the car by himself, while the others went to the club... come on... they would have make fun of him. He felt pressured for sure.

 

You need to relax...

 

He told you about it... he could have chosen not to...at least he was honest with you... plus he has apologized.

 

Your problem is your self-esteem... you think he will compare you to those girls... I think he's smarter than that...

 

Your husband has every right to be frustrated because you are in fact punishing him... and if you don't get over this, you will push him away.

 

You need to get a grip and stop thinking about this incident...

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes I use role reversal to try and figure out things..

I simply put myself in the other persons shoes and most times I see the light..

 

How would you have handled it if you were in your husbands shoes ?

Would you have sat in the car ?

Would you have done what he did and go in.. but not really participate ?

 

Your husband was put in a position that he had to make a decision to go or look really bad and sit in a car all by himself for a couple of hours.

Would have done that ?

 

Your Hubby sounds like an upfront honest and loving guy to me.. He told you about it.. he shows his frustration with his brother for not informing him of the club stop before..

 

It sounds like you need more reassurance of his love for you from him.. Talk with him more.. hopefully you will get that reassurance from him.

[Missy27]

A little background info: DH and I have been happily married 8 years with three little children. Our marriage is healthy and strong.

The trouble is that my H went on a fishing trip to Canada with his brother and some friends last week - this is something his brother does every year and this year offered to take my H - brother paid. I was glad for him to have a little time away from the busy life of raising three kids.

 

When H came home he told me that they had a great time, but on the way up to their destination, they did stop at a strip club. They had stopped for dinner/drinks and then pulled in at the club. Apparently this is something that happens every year. My H did not know about the tradition and felt uncomfortable but went in with the other guys. He said they stayed for about an hour, had a beer with his brother, sat in the back while the other guys went in private rooms with strippers - then they left.

 

I am really hurt because we have specifically talked about strip clubs in the past and seemed to have an agreement that they are not the place to be, especially after marriage(we are both christians). My husband felt too pressured because his brother was paying for the trip and all.

 

We have talked about it and why it hurt me so much. He has apologized sincerely and feels really bad because I am so upset. My trouble is that I don't want to have sex with him. I feel hurt,used and dirty, and that maybe in his head, no matter what he says, I am being compared in some way. (I've had three kids - my skin is stretched out, I have no boobs left after breastfeeding). We were snuggling last night while watching a movie and I was feeling better just being held and loved, when he wanted me to give him oral. It just made me feel like a stripper and I was back at square one. I feel sad about all of this, and I just want to get over it but I am struggling.

 

My husband is frustrated because he wants to be with me and he loves me but also feels hurt because he is the only one of the guys who didn't get a private room and screw around. He came home, told me what happened and he feels like he is being "punished".

 

Any advice on the situation would be appreciated!

 

Thoughts ~ ? - Chill Out, you are over-reacting to say the least.

 

I can kind of understand where you are coming from, but believe me, the last thing on your husbands mind when he's having sex with you is strippers.

 

My Fiance has been on 2 bachelor nights in the last 2 months. BOTH of which involved Weekends away and the Saturday night at a strip club. I didn't mind ~~ at all ~~ Why~? ~~~ TRUST. He probably did quite enjoy seeing some attractive girls parading around with nothing on, but it's not as if either my F or your Husband for that matter is not fully aware of what an attractive naked body of another woman looks like is it ~?!

 

The men at strip clubs are not allowed to touch the strippers where I come from. They touch them once they get warned, touch them twice they get thrown out.

 

Dont let this bother you. Its pointless. He's YOUR husband, the father of YOUR children ~~ he's not the husband and father of Lola Lopside, queen stripper is he ~ ? :laugh:. Just forget it, we're all human and we're all part of this little thing called life and sometimes life throws us into some situations/locations beyond our daily norm. It's how you deal with these little life traps that matters and as far as I can see, your Husband has scored a neat 100% ~ !

[Topper]

Sounds like you have a low opinion of yourself. You even have a lower opinion of your marriage and husband. think about this. Your reaction is going to make him think twice about telling you, the next time something happens that he feels you may not approve of. You want your husband to be honest with you yet your punishing him for being honest.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is frustrated because he wants to be with me and he loves me but also feels hurt because he is the only one of the guys who didn't get a private room and screw around. He came home, told me what happened and he feels like he is being "punished".

But isn't he being punished? For telling you the truth ? Real intimacy is based on mutual trust. One way you build trust is to not get angry at your partner just because he's telling you something you don't want to hear. You're open about the fact that you want your H to love you despite any faults you might have - is it wrong for him to expect the same thing?

 

Even if you don't agree with his decision to go in the club (and that's certainly your right), your willingness to let this undermine the most important parts of your marriage is counterproductive and destructive. I hope you reconsider what you're donig...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jasmine8719]

I think you are punishing him...Okay i do see your concerns you too both had the understanding that he should'nt do strip clubs and your both christians..obviously everybodys understanding of being a christian and values and morals are diffrent...Im christian and i personally would'nt act like that with my husband, there was no infidelity. It sounds like you have low self esteem about yourself and you should'nt..It sounds like your husband loves you very much and you two have great relationship...and you know what...he told you the TRUTH which is key in a strong marriage. I think your overreacting...If it was my husband i would show up those strippers and get a super sexy lingerie and do a lil strip tease for him...Your husband told you the truth and nothing happen ..Go out and get a lil confidence booster get your hair done or buy a new outfit...It will all work out and i would maybe also apologize to your husband...Its okay to be a lil upset but dont punish him. Good Luck..and sorry if i sound a lil harsh

[snowcat]

Thanks for the responses and the reality check - I appreciate your honesty. I am feeling better this evening - I only first found out about all of this 24 hours ago and I am doing much better today. I will talk to him about appreciating his honesty!

 

I really am not trying to punish him, I just think I was feeling to hurt to have sex last night (it was yesterday that he told me all of this). I think I can move on now! Thanks again!

[Carbine]

My husband is frustrated because he wants to be with me and he loves me but also feels hurt because he is the only one of the guys who didn't get a private room and screw around. He came home, told me what happened and he feels like he is being "punished".

 

Well what does he expect?? Trophies, cups and gold boullion in reward for his heroic efforts? He's the one who punished himself in the end, not anyone else.

 

See, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I say strip clubs are BAD NEWS. They distort the male perception of how females should look and behave. Therefore it's harder for the non-strippers amongst us to satisfy our partners because we're trying to live up to this unobtainable fantasy. So in the end everyone ends up feeling disatisfied and punished.

 

Oh well, I won't say any more because you seem to think that the problem has been solved in a sufficient manner.

[Lizzie60]

Well what does he expect?? Trophies, cups and gold boullion in reward for his heroic efforts? He's the one who punished himself in the end, not anyone else.

 

See, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I say strip clubs are BAD NEWS. They distort the male perception of how females should look and behave. Therefore it's harder for the non-strippers amongst us to satisfy our partners because we're trying to live up to this unobtainable fantasy. So in the end everyone ends up feeling disatisfied and punished.

 

Oh well, I won't say any more because you seem to think that the problem has been solved in a sufficient manner.

 

if you say strip clubs are bad new because they distort male perspective... then porn must be verrrry bad news in your book... LOL

[Babybird]

Well what does he expect?? Trophies, cups and gold boullion in reward for his heroic efforts? He's the one who punished himself in the end, not anyone else.

 

See, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I say strip clubs are BAD NEWS. They distort the male perception of how females should look and behave. Therefore it's harder for the non-strippers amongst us to satisfy our partners because we're trying to live up to this unobtainable fantasy. So in the end everyone ends up feeling disatisfied and punished.

 

Oh well, I won't say any more because you seem to think that the problem has been solved in a sufficient manner.

 

Oh come on!! If that were the case not only porn but magazines, TV, movies, comic books, video games....shall I continue...would distort the male perception. Most women that have bodies nice enough to work in places like that work hard at keeping them in shape. I don't look like them nor do I work at it. They have every reason to be proud of their bodies.

 

Snowcat: Get over it. Its a strip club for gods sake, he didn't want to go and he told you about it. Why on earth would you feel dirty? It isn't like you were up on the stage dancing and he didn't have sex with anyone.

[Mr. Lucky]

Therefore it's harder for the non-strippers amongst us to satisfy our partners because we're trying to live up to this unobtainable fantasy. So in the end everyone ends up feeling disatisfied and punished.

The non-strippers amongst us? You mean the other 99.99999% of us non pole dancers on the planet are doomed to a life of unrealized expectations and diminished returns because we can't (male or female) satisfy our partners?

 

If your point of view wasn't so silly, it would be really sad

 

Mr. Lucky

[burning 4 revenge]

Most female strippers aren't that good looking. That's a misconception. I'd say on average they are uglier than the normal population that's between 18-35.

[taiko]

Most female strippers aren't that good looking. That's a misconception. I'd say on average they are uglier than the normal population that's between 18-35.

Its not what they look like, its the fact that for $100 on average you can get a girl to grind you like Elizabeth Berkley did in ShowGirls. Where local political activism bans the practice of private dancing and tipping strip clubs begin to disappear.

[StayClose]

See, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I say strip clubs are BAD NEWS. They distort the male perception of how females should look and behave. Therefore it's harder for the non-strippers amongst us to satisfy our partners because we're trying to live up to this unobtainable fantasy. So in the end everyone ends up feeling disatisfied and punished.

 

Who says you're suppose8d to live up to an unobtainable fantasy? Snowcat's husband didn't say that.

 

While there may be a few selfish immature husbands out there who can't be satisfied with their wifes because they foolishly expect them to maintain a stripper's body, I doubt there's really that many of them.

 

This hysteria over strip clubs & porn is more about women's insecurities than men's expectations.

[Carbine]

Oh come on!! If that were the case not only porn but magazines, TV, movies, comic books, video games....shall I continue...would distort the male perception.

Well, you're roping it all into one category when in reality strip clubs/porn are at a different level to things live tv and magazines. But if you want argue about it, then maybe you should go check out a magazine like Sports Illustrated, or a Tomb Raider comic, or the Playboy video game, or basically anything playing on the tv or at the cinema, before attempting to support the ridiculous claim that these things have no bearing upon the male perception.

 

Most women that have bodies nice enough to work in places like that work hard at keeping them in shape. I don't look like them nor do I work at it. They have every reason to be proud of their bodies.

Agreed. Neither do I. Neither do I. Agreed...what's your point??

 

The non-strippers amongst us? You mean the other 99.99999% of us non pole dancers on the planet are doomed to a life of unrealized expectations and diminished returns because we can't (male or female) satisfy our partners?

 

Refresh my memory please Mr. Lucky...what gender are you?

 

Who says you're suppose8d to live up to an unobtainable fantasy? Snowcat's husband didn't say that.

 

I think his actions said it for him.

 

While there may be a few selfish immature husbands out there who can't be satisfied with their wifes because they foolishly expect them to maintain a stripper's body, I doubt there's really that many of them.This hysteria over strip clubs & porn is more about women's insecurities than men's expectations.

 

I didn't actually say that her husband felt punished over her physical appearance. I agree with the OP in that he probably did mentally compare her appearance with the strippers. However, as we can't mind read, i don't think it's worth going into any further. Besides, i dont think it's really all that relevant to the discussion.

 

The unobtainable expectations I'm referring to are his expectations of how she should behave. He treated her this way more or less immediately after his visit to the club. What does that tell you? Moreover, it sounds like he doesn't actually feel sorry for what he did, or to be able to understand why it caused problems.

[StayClose]

What expectation of behavoir are you talking about? She mention that he wanted her to give him oral. Now speaking personally, I've never had oral from a stripper, but I have from my wife many times. So I would say that oral sex is more spouse behavoir than stripper behavor.

 

When H came home he told me that they had a great time, but on the way up to their destination, they did stop at a strip club. They had stopped for dinner/drinks and then pulled in at the club. Apparently this is something that happens every year. My H did not know about the tradition and felt uncomfortable but went in with the other guys. He said they stayed for about an hour, had a beer with his brother, sat in the back while the other guys went in private rooms with strippers - then they left.

 

Let's see. He felt uncomfortable going in. He had a beer with his brother. He did not participate in whatever was happening in the private rooms. And he was honest & open enough tell tell her about it instead of saying they stopped for lunch at Denny's.

 

What part of his behavoir was objectionable? Where is the expetation from him that she look or act like a stripper?

[rainfall]

Oh come on!! If that were the case not only porn but magazines, TV, movies, comic books, video games....shall I continue...would distort the male perception. Most women that have bodies nice enough to work in places like that work hard at keeping them in shape. I don't look like them nor do I work at it. They have every reason to be proud of their bodies.

 

Snowcat: Get over it. Its a strip club for gods sake, he didn't want to go and he told you about it. Why on earth would you feel dirty? It isn't like you were up on the stage dancing and he didn't have sex with anyone.

 

 

I think the difference is in video games is its just a game. You aren't really killing people, stealing cars, or killing a big demon at the top of a tower.Just like whatever is going on in the movie isn't really happening. At strip clubs the women are real and can easily be more then just looking involved with them.

 

However as much as I personally hate strip clubs I think in this case the OP needs to forgive her husband. He told her the truth and as long as he doesn't go to anymore strip clubs I think he needs to be forgiven.

[bish]

My husband is frustrated because he wants to be with me and he loves me but also feels hurt because he is the only one of the guys who didn't get a private room and screw around. He came home, told me what happened and he feels like he is being "punished".

 

Any advice on the situation would be appreciated!

 

I was going to say if this was just a spur of the moment thing and he doesn't go to strip clubs alot, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

But for him to feel "punished" because he couldn't get cooch in his face like the other guys....well what the hell is he married for?

 

Either he respects his wife, or he doesn't. If I love someone and she is hurt by me going to a strip club....then you'd better believe I wouldn't do it. Because her feelings mean more to me than seeing a stripper wag her boobs in my face.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the difference is in video games is its just a game. You aren't really killing people, stealing cars, or killing a big demon at the top of a tower.Just like whatever is going on in the movie isn't really happening. At strip clubs the women are real and can easily be more then just looking involved with them.

I think you inadvertently hit the nail on the head - at least for me, a strip club is like a video game (although I should qualify my thoughts by admitting the I haven't been in one in 10+ years ). It has the same unreal, "disconnected from life" feeling that one gets playing Halo 3 and the girls don't seem any more real than those on TV or in the movies. Maybe that's why my wife never perceived the occasional batchelor party visit as a threat...

 

Mr. Lucky

[woodsfield]

on a trip to New Orleans, my wife told me she wanted to go to a strip club with me! I had not had near enough to drink for that one!!! You wanna talk 'bout incomfortable!! This was shortly after halloween in which i went a costume party (she stayed at home that night), and at some point around 130AM while out on the town...someone said let's go to the strip club...next morning, when she asked how the night was, i said "well we ended up at toppers, if that tells you anything." she was livid. then months later, she wants to go to a strip club...she finds out that all but one or two of the strippers in there aren't good looking AT ALL (it was dark and i was sober so it could have been less---and depends greatly on the joint you go into). point is, i think you are overreacting. my wife knows i've gone to strip clubs on bachelor party nights and what not, but i've always told her (and it seriously is the truth), she is twice as hot and sexy as any one of the girls at those clubs.

woods

ps---i always do want to "wipe" myself off when i come out of them...just makes me feel slimey

[rtHawk]

ps---i always do want to "wipe" myself off when i come out of them...just makes me feel slimey

 

Please Please explain then the reason for even bothering or going????????

[Carbine]

What expectation of behavoir are you talking about? She mention that he wanted her to give him oral. Now speaking personally, I've never had oral from a stripper, but I have from my wife many times. So I would say that oral sex is more spouse behavoir than stripper behavor.

 

Let's see. He felt uncomfortable going in. He had a beer with his brother. He did not participate in whatever was happening in the private rooms. And he was honest & open enough tell tell her about it instead of saying they stopped for lunch at Denny's.

 

What part of his behavoir was objectionable? Where is the expetation from him that she look or act like a stripper?

 

I know that I tend to comment on how the physical differences between strippers and regular women can cause problems, but for once this is not actually the case.

 

There is a lot about the OP's post that is implied and I'm just going off of that...so I maybe wrong but can you see where I'm coming from? He admitted what he did, obviously it upset and angered her to a noticeable degree...they obviously reconciled to an extent but no doubt there was still a fair bit of tension...next thing he's pressuring her for oral sex?! How does that work?? Yes, fair enough you expect that sort of sexual favour from your SO, but not to an extent that it makes you that unhappy. The OP said this made her feel like a stripper which makes me think her husband probably treated her in a way that was out of character when requesting this sort of thing. My bet is that he had some sort of residual sexual tension and/or resentment built up from denying himself the private dance at the strip club and as a result, acted out his fantasies on his wife. If my boyfriend went to a strip club and even THOUGHT about laying a finger on me for the next month or so, he'd be ambulanced off to the emergency, quicker than you can say "lapdance".

 

Another thing, sure you haven't received oral from a stripper but does that necessarily mean you wouldn't want it, or aren't turned on by the idea?

 

Anyway, in a nut shell, I think the OP's husband was being extremely insensitive, selfish and objectifying her in a situation where he should've been making every attempt to avoid this.