Falling for another man

[Kislette]

I have met a man on the internet that I'm very attracted to. He's incredibly intelligent, very funny, and kindhearted. I know that I can't possibly know everything about him yet, but I'm not to the point yet that I need to. He and I are just friends, although he did start indicating his interest in me went beyond friendship. As soon as I told him we could only be friends (because I'm married) he backed off completely and has not said or done anything inappropriate. However, I just can't stop thinking about him. I don't think I can be just friends with him. I am having problems with my marriage, but I am not going to drag this other guy into the middle of it. IF my marriage doesn't work out THEN I will pursue this guy.

 

So here's the problem: I know I need to make my decision about whether or not I'm going to stay married without regard to this other guy. There's no way for me to know an actual relationship with him would work out. How do I make myself stop having feelings for this guy? I only contact him once a week now and my feelings of infatuation seem to be lessening, but I still think about him every day and feel like I'm in love with him. I haven't told him how I feel about him for two reasons. One is that I think it would be inconsiderate of me - I think if he is falling for me it would only cause him grief to know I feel the same way but can't be with him. The other is that I'm afraid that telling him about my feelings will make it harder for me to keep them under control. Should I cut off contact with this guy altogether for now? And if I do, should I tell him why? It's hard for me to figure out what the right thing to do is when a part of me wants to ask him to wait for me in case I end up being available (which I think would be totally selfish of me).

[JackJack]

It might be helpful if you could share with us some things that are lacking in your marriage and why it is you may want to end your marriage, that has caused you to have this "friendship" with this guy to begin with.

 

Do you want to try and salvage your marriage? Have the both of you been to MC, (marriage counseling?)

[Kislette]

I only recently figured out that there was a problem in my marriage. I realized that my huband was being too emotionally dependent on me. If I don't spend ALL of my time with him he complains. We started dating when we were both barely adults, and I think what's going on is that I want a more mature relationship now. I tried to talk to him about it a little but he got even more insecure, so I made an appointment to see a marriage counselor next week.

 

There is some other history that probably explains his insecurity. I had an online affair last year. At the time I thought it was due only to my own personal problems rather than any trouble with the marriage. I was stressed out at work, having problems with depression (a chemical imbalance I have even without psychological issues), and I was working a different shift from my husband and only got to see him a few hours a week. Now I am stronger and have the willpower to not give into temptation.

 

Anyway, right now I am leaning toward having a trial separation with my husband, but I can't tell him that until I have a counselor to help him deal with the emotional impact that hearing that is going to have on him. I have never lived on my own and I'm starting to think I need to do so for a little while.

 

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. One of the reasons his clingyness hasn't been a problem until a few years ago was that I used to be the clingy one. So, when I started feeling smothered at first I felt that I didn't have any room to complain. But now I see it's an issue that could tear my marriage apart.

 

I hope that's enough info to give advice on my original question.

 

Edit: I go back and forth on whether or not I truly want to salvage the marriage, but mostly because I think I might really need some time to grow on my own and because I think living without me will help him learn how to not be so dependent on me emotionally.

[PandorasBox]

I had an online affair last year.

 

Yes, this might contribute to him feeling the way he does. Did you all enter into marriage counseling for this issue when it happened? Or was it not delt with?

 

 

I only recently figured out that there was a problem in my marriage. I realized that my huband was being too emotionally dependent on me.

 

If you recently found this out, then what was the reason for the online affair last year?

 

 

Now I am stronger and have the willpower to not give into temptation.

 

If you have been chatting with another man, and you feel you are falling for him, it doesn't sound like you have more will power.

 

 

 

One of the reasons his clingyness hasn't been a problem until a few years ago was that I used to be the clingy one. So, when I started feeling smothered at first I felt that I didn't have any room to complain. But now I see it's an issue that could tear my marriage apart.

 

 

So, since you used to be the clingy one, now that he is, you want to maybe bail on the marriage or have a trial seperation? Did he do that when you were the clingy one?

 

 

If you truly want to work on your marriage, you will probably have to do more than just cutting back on talking to this other man, you need to cut all ties with him. When you're trying to work on a marriage, there is no room for the 3rd party such as another man, he will only cloud your judgement on things and make it hardr for you to work on things with your husband.

[Cobra_X30]

What do you expect when you beat this guys self esteem down. Yes he is going to be clingy and insecure. If you seperate he is going to be devestated at first... once he rebuilds himself its going to be game-over for you. So, you need to think real hard about what you like and dont like about your H.

 

Seriously, throwing 10 yrs away for such a frivolous reason may say more about you than your M.

[Kislette]

 

 

I had an online affair last year.

 

Yes, this might contribute to him feeling the way he does. Did you all enter into marriage counseling for this issue when it happened? Or was it not delt with?

 

We did enter marriage counseling and it seemed like the issues were dealt with. I didn't realize at the time that there were other problems.

 

I only recently figured out that there was a problem in my marriage. I realized that my huband was being too emotionally dependent on me.

 

If you recently found this out, then what was the reason for the online affair last year?

 

see above

 

 

Now I am stronger and have the willpower to not give into temptation.

 

If you have been chatting with another man, and you feel you are falling for him, it doesn't sound like you have more will power.

 

The willpower lies in not giving into the temptation to even just flirt with him.

 

One of the reasons his clingyness hasn't been a problem until a few years ago was that I used to be the clingy one. So, when I started feeling smothered at first I felt that I didn't have any room to complain. But now I see it's an issue that could tear my marriage apart.

 

 

So, since you used to be the clingy one, now that he is, you want to maybe bail on the marriage or have a trial seperation? Did he do that when you were the clingy one?

 

There are a lot more issues than just that. That's what the marriage counseling is for.

 

 

If you truly want to work on your marriage, you will probably have to do more than just cutting back on talking to this other man, you need to cut all ties with him. When you're trying to work on a marriage, there is no room for the 3rd party such as another man, he will only cloud your judgement on things and make it hardr for you to work on things with your husband.

 

You're right about that - and that's what I want further advice on. If I cut off all contact with this guy will my feelings just go away? I just wonder about whether or not my feelings for this other guy indicate I'm not really in love with my husband anymore. Even so, I think I know the best thing to do is to at least not have contact with him while I work on my marriage. I think I'm looking to have other people confirm that feeling. So, is it best to just cut off contact without telling him why?

[PandorasBox]

So, is it best to just cut off contact without telling him why?

 

I think that has to be up to you. Do you feel if you told him "Why", you were cutting contact he would deal you a pity card and try to suck you back in, the "friendship" with him?

[Topper]

OK you had an on line affair, You are now talking to another man online. your developing feeling for this other guy that you have never met.

I take it your husband has no idea your talking to someone else.

Your only complaint is that your h is to clingy.

I'm going to be blunt. Your a selfish woman. you havea good man that loves you. yet you want more. You want some fantasy man. Your little online games are just that games. i will tell you right now if you met Mr Wonderful from the Internet one or both of you will be very disappointed.

You need to work on yourself on why you are so insecure you need to go to the Internet for validation.

You say your going to MC so that your husband can get emotional support for when you tell him you want to separate how noble of you. why don't you try giving him some support? Why don't you try to be a wife. You want a more mature relationship ? Then grow up!

[Kislette]

So, is it best to just cut off contact without telling him why?

 

I think that has to be up to you. Do you feel if you told him "Why", you were cutting contact he would deal you a pity card and try to suck you back in, the "friendship" with him?

 

No, I am certain he would completely respect my wishes. I just wonder if it would make him feel bad to know I feel the same way about him and then be told it can never be.

 

Topper, you are being extremely hostile. You don't know all the details of what's going on in my marriage - it would take 100 pages or more worth of text to give all the details of any of the relationships here. I'm just going to say that I am NOT turning to the internet for validation. This is merely one of the avenues I'm exploring to try to get myself back on track. You obviously don't give a damn about helping, so that's all I'm saying to you.

 

Edit: I will say only one other thing: My husband knows all about my relationship with this other guy, including my feelings for him. So take your judgements based on ignorance somewhere else.

[Cobra_X30]

Good point Topper. The reason she isnt clingy right now, is probably because she is simply clinging on to other men via the internet.

 

Kislette, The fact that you cant let this internet guy go doesnt mean that you dont love your H. I'm not really sure you understand what love is. I think once you figure that out then things will be better for you. Any other relationship you have will run into the same issues, including this new guy.

[Trialbyfire]

You are bridging by using internet relationships until you finally gain enough emotional support so you can leap off your marriage. Not very healthy. Why not work on yourself so you become strong enough to go it alone? You're too reliant on others to create your happiness for you.

[Kislette]

 

Kislette, The fact that you cant let this internet guy go doesnt mean that you dont love your H. I'm not really sure you understand what love is. I think once you figure that out then things will be better for you. Any other relationship you have will run into the same issues, including this new guy.

 

I understand your point about other relationships. I don't think that a new relationship is the answer. The real reason I'm thinking of separation is because I want to work on being able to be emotionally healthy and independent on my own. Maybe the therapist can help me do that without having to live apart from my husband.

 

I just want to point out that my husband's clingyness is NOT what makes me want to have a trial separation. Like I pointed out in my response to PandorasBox, there ARE other issues. I just realized this was the issue that might have been what was subconsciously driving me to another man.

 

I guess I'm just scared because I've never felt before like I didn't love my husband, and I feel that way a lot these days. And I know he wouldn't want me to stay with him if I didn't want to - he's told me that several times. But I'm not to the point where I DON'T want to be with him, I'm just unsure. This would be a lot easier if I just didn't want to be with him.

[Kislette]

You are bridging by using internet relationships until you finally gain enough emotional support so you can leap off your marriage. Not very healthy. Why not work on yourself so you become strong enough to go it alone? You're too reliant on others to create your happiness for you.

 

I think I was typing something pretty similar to that as you wrote your post Your'e right about me being too reliant on others to create my happiness for me. I've figured out that my husband and I are both too emotionally dependent on each other - I think that comes from us getting together at such a young age. We essentially grew up together, but in a lot of ways I think our relationship is still immature. I think we're both afraid that if our relationship "grows up" we might end up having grown apart. But that doesn't matter, because our relationship obviously won't last if it continues this way.

[Trialbyfire]

I think I was typing something pretty similar to that as you wrote your post Your'e right about me being too reliant on others to create my happiness for me. I've figured out that my husband and I are both too emotionally dependent on each other - I think that comes from us getting together at such a young age. We essentially grew up together, but in a lot of ways I think our relationship is still immature. I think we're both afraid that if our relationship "grows up" we might end up having grown apart. But that doesn't matter, because our relationship obviously won't last if it continues this way.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that you have to develop healthy relationships. Is levying off dysfunctional relationships because your marriage is unhappy, good for either you or your spouse? If you get caught again or for the first time, is it worth the grief? If anything, it can only hurt you worse and wreak havoc with your spouse.

[Kislette]

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that you have to develop healthy relationships. Is levying off dysfunctional relationships because your marriage is unhappy, good for either you or your spouse? If you get caught again or for the first time, is it worth the grief? If anything, it can only hurt you worse and wreak havoc with your spouse.

 

I'm not doing anything to get "caught" doing. And my husband knows everything about this guy and my feelings for him.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not doing anything to get "caught" doing. And my husband knows everything about this guy and my feelings for him.

How does your husband feel about this?

[Kislette]

He's worried it means I don't really love him but is willing to work it out in therapy.

 

Edit: He also doesn't want to tell me I can't be friends with this guy anymore and trusts me when I tell him our conversations with each other have never been inappropriate (which is true).

[Trialbyfire]

Then you know the direction to take for your opening post. The online affair isn't the problem. The continuity in all this is yourself. Fix yourself before entering into more unhealthy relationships or for the balance of your life, you will always be seeking someone new to make up for the emptiness inside you.

[Cobra_X30]

Kislette, time never stops. You and your H will always be growing and maturing. The two of you will CHOOSE to either grow apart or grow together, its not something that you cant control or change. Love is the same way, you wake up every single day and CHOOSE to love your H. Love is not some biochemical rush that pushes you in one direction or another like they show in the movies. Some days your going to feel it, some days you wont. Love is when you choose that person above all else even when you dont feel it.

 

I realize that there are probably a bunch of other issues in your marriage. Honestly, every single marriage in the history of the world has had some issues. Success is in how the two of you tackle those issues.

[Kislette]

Fix yourself before entering into more unhealthy relationships or for the balance of your life, you will always be seeking someone new to make up for the emptiness inside you.

 

I guess that is what it really comes down to. I suppose the therapist will help me figure out if I need to have a trial separation in order to accomplish this - no matter how selfish a certain jerk on this forum might think wanting a separation would be I just don't see how I can feel that I am achieving that balance without trying life on my own for a while.

 

I understand now that even being just friends with the internet guy would be harmful to the process. I would still like opinons on if I should just give him no explanation, make something up, or tell him why I can't be friends with him anymore, even if that's not the most important issue here. He's actually a very emotionally well-adjusted guy, so maybe he could handle the truth.

[Kislette]

Cobra, your advice is just what I need to hear right now and it is very helpful. Thank you Actually, this is just the kind of validation I was "turning to the internet" to receive. Maybe I've been spoiled by the fact that my marriage went so well for over a decade and we haven't really had problems with the marriage before these last few years.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have met a man on the internet that I'm very attracted to. He's incredibly intelligent, very funny, and kindhearted. I know that I can't possibly know everything about him yet, but I'm not to the point yet that I need to. He and I are just friends, although he did start indicating his interest in me went beyond friendship. As soon as I told him we could only be friends (because I'm married) he backed off completely and has not said or done anything inappropriate. However, I just can't stop thinking about him. I don't think I can be just friends with him. I am having problems with my marriage, but I am not going to drag this other guy into the middle of it. IF my marriage doesn't work out THEN I will pursue this guy.

Kislette, in order to put this into some perspective, can you be more specific about the interaction you've had with your cyber-friend? Have you met in person?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lonelybird]

Kislette, time never stops. You and your H will always be growing and maturing. The two of you will CHOOSE to either grow apart or grow together, its not something that you cant control or change. Love is the same way, you wake up every single day and CHOOSE to love your H. Love is not some biochemical rush that pushes you in one direction or another like they show in the movies. Some days your going to feel it, some days you wont. Love is when you choose that person above all else even when you dont feel it.

 

I realize that there are probably a bunch of other issues in your marriage. Honestly, every single marriage in the history of the world has had some issues. Success is in how the two of you tackle those issues.

maybe you told your husband the online flirting made him insecure about your love?

 

If love is just biochemical rush, then every 10 years you have to divoice?

 

Love is choice, patience, dedication, GIVE, willing to work out even during tough times,

 

think about opposite position, how would you like to be treated if you were your husband???? what would you feel if your husband do the things you are doing?

 

and I agree with another poster, do you have some sorlid source for your happiness deep down inside of you? not men, not flirting for validation. actually you can do deep soul search without leaving your husband. maybe you can advice your husband do the soul searching as well.

 

It will reward you back later if you don't give up

[Kislette]

Kislette, in order to put this into some perspective, can you be more specific about the interaction you've had with your cyber-friend? Have you met in person?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I haven't met him in person and we've never even really flirted. We just joke around together and explore the online world in Second Life together sometimes. We have not met in person at all. I decided last night to go ahead and end our friendship. I told him I needed to in order to keep it from interfering with working on my marriage. He was very sweet and understanding. He said it would be hard to stop chatting with me but he admires my commitment to my marriage.

 

I don't know what's going on with me right now. Sometimes I think I just don't want to be married and I want to be on my own. I don't want to end my marriage because of feelings for other guys but my husband and I both wonder if the fact that I have been falling for other guys means that maybe I don't love him the way I used to. Hopefully the therapist will be able to give me some insight into what really motivated that behavior.

 

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses. This has really helped me get some perspective on at least a couple of the issues I'm having.

[Mr. Lucky]

I haven't met him in person and we've never even really flirted. We just joke around together and explore the online world in Second Life together sometimes. We have not met in person at all.

Well, I certainly applaud your decision to end the online relationship. It's unfair to your H to compare him, warts and all, to a fantasy image from cyberspace. I hope your efforts in therapy yeild the results you seek - seems like you're headed in the right direction...

 

Mr. Lucky