mgrayrps Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 My wife and I went out to a regular dance club and had plenty of drinks until we were wasted, then she started talking about wanting to go to a strip club and check it out. I said "not interested" multiple times, but she insisted. So finally I gave in. Once there she wanted to order a lapdance, I said "no" she said "quit being a damn prude." So I gave in yet again. THen when we were getting the dance she started touching and rubbing and even kissing the body (no sex). She would put my hands on the stripper and insist I do the same stuff. After awhile I just did it and after 5 dances and more drinks we left. Next morning She is pist and says I got her drunk and took advanrtage. Everytime I say "you are the one that made me" or I say "you were doing the same thing." She runs out of the house or hangs up the phone. Now she wants a divorce. Help me Folks. Link to post Share on other sites
louies77 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Where are you from??? Well just wait till she calm down then you can explain to her about what happened. Loui. Self Help Zone Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Maybe she wanted a divorce to begin with, and got you to do that in order to have an excuse to drop the divorce on you so that you look like the bad guy. I would do some digging here before you give up. Something definitely isn't right with this picture. People generally cook up drama like this when they are trying to hide a little drama of their own. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I agree with LB. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author mgrayrps Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 How do I go about diging deeper? Link to post Share on other sites
Fanny Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I think the fight is to distract everyone, including herself, from the possibility that she was turned on by the other chick. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 She's behaving very irresponsibly and hypocritically. Is this a one-off, or is she often over the top, dramatic, and two-faced with ridiculous double-standards like this? If it's the latter, then I would take her up on the divorce offer. If it's a one-off, just give her a week to calm down, then politely but firmly insist on getting to the bottom of it all. Do not accept anything less than a full apology and promise not to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 She's behaving very irresponsibly and hypocritically. Is this a one-off, or is she often over the top, dramatic, and two-faced with ridiculous double-standards like this? My first thought also. I'd wager that this is just the latest drama... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Either way, don't let her put you on the defensive. Calmly turn it around into a discussion expecting her to explain her behavior. Don't escalate the anger by adding more of yours to the discussion, but just keep directing it back to your expectation of her explaining herself. "I know what I was doing; I was responding to your requests. What were you doing, if now you're so angry about it?" Does she have other behavioral trouble while she's drunk? Unable to control herself, or refuses to take responsibility for her actions while under the influence? Or, as the others have asked, is this a first time thing? If she can't control herself while she's drunk, and that then creates marital problems, I think a "no more alcohol" policy is a good idea... I was thinking a similar thing to the others - whether it's that she was turned on by the stripper, or just generally embarrassed at what she did and how much control she lost while intoxicated, maybe her guilt is making her lash out. Anger is a great denial tool for one's own responsibility, and turning it into "it's your fault" is a pretty natural way to accomplish that. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I'm sorry i have some problems with this story. One every club i have even been in has a strict no touching policy. All the club owners know that vice cops are in their clubs all the time undercover. Who would risk a multi million dollar bussiness by letting some guy or girl step over the line and touch a dancer. Even if the story is true. Are you sure you are not the one that instead on going to the club? Has your wife ever said anything that would make you think she was bi Curious? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mgrayrps Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 She does act out, but not to this extent. Last night I sent her a phone text message saying "Stop this nonsense. Let's just say we were drunk, it was stupid, never again and we'll forget it all." Her response was "I might consider ur proposition to forget it." Today she calls and says nothing and talks about other stuff. I did not mention the issue. Responding to the post about no-touching policies. It happened South of the border. As for the strip club I insisted on NOT going. If one of my buddies wanted to go, then it might be different, but not with my own wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mgrayrps Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 in the past she said she had gave & recvd oral with one girl one time, but it did not do that much for her. That night while she was drunk at the lap dance she said she enjoyed licking the nipples, but did not want a p**** in or on her face. She said the nipples and beautiful breasts made her hot, but p**** didn't do anything for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 South of the boarder? You both should be slapped up side the head for being so stupid for getting that drunk in Mexico. Then again you can't get that drunk on watered down drinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I don't know, I still think you would be letting her off pretty easy to just 'forget it.' She "might consider" your proposition, like she is in the driver's seat here? Isn't it still a source of concern that she insisted and convinced you to do something that she later gave you grief for? I think this would create some serious responsibility and trust issues for me... I'm not saying she made you do something against your will - you are still responsibile for your own actions and choices; I don't hear you shirking that. I'm just saying she not only approved and encouraged you down a path, but also joined you on that journey, and then later turned on you. I would find that quite confusing and concerning. Agreeing to write it off as a drunken foray is a comfortable and convenient was of not dealing with whatever marital issue fueled this interaction between you. Link to post Share on other sites
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 As for the strip club I insisted on NOT going. If one of my buddies wanted to go, then it might be different, but not with my own wife. Why would you happily go with your buddies but not your wife? Did you anticipate she might act weirdly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mgrayrps Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 if I let it go like this. It seems like just moving on would leave some unresolved feelings, but she seems like she is too immature and not capable of discussing these feelings in a mature and productive manner. I am very concerned. I am thinking about sending an e-mail telling her I love her and do not want anything to change between us without directly going into detail about what happened. I feel like I should not let her off that easy for encouraging me and then turning on me. However, I can empathise and can see where she is coming from. If it were reversed (I'd never do what she did that night, drunk or not). I would have insecurities, concerns, regrets, etc. and can see she is in a difficult situation. I can be the bigger person and because I love my wife so much let her off the hook so to speak. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mgrayrps Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 someone please advise me . . . wife bringing it up again Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 someone please advise me . . . wife bringing it up again The strip club or the divorce, or both? How is she going about it? I'm still not convinced that she didn't set this whole strip club thing up as an excuse to hide something of her own going on. I would bet that the 'something of her own' is the real reason she is talking divorce, and not this whole strip club business. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Smurf, You and your stories are messed up beyond anything I can put into words. mgrayrps, 1. I would check your wifes email and cell phone records before going to much further. 2. Once reasonably certain that this is a stand alone issue I would sit her down and have a very serious discussion about WHY she did that. You may want to start by saying that you feel horrible that you were not strong enough to prevent this. By taking some blame yourself this may help her open up and keep her from bieng too defensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 I really don't think anyone can give you good advice because your wife sounds insane. Literally, I think she needs her head checked. You have done nothing wrong, she pressured you into doing it and if she remembers the strip club then she will remember bugging you about going there, everything that happened etc. She either feels jealous now she is sober, or she is ashamed of showing such a bi-curious side to you. Either that and, like said above, she is insane. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Does she have a background of feeling that sex is "dirty" despite her sexual feelings. It's not unheard of for young unmarried girls to fully participate in, if not initiate, sex with a guy and then later blame him for it. In fact, in the 1980s there were proposals to define sex with a woman who has had any alcohol as rape. By that standard, conset given while a woman is drunk would't count. (Never mind that the guy is probably drunk too. Apply the same standard to men, then he can't give consent and he was raped too.) That's a bunch of crap. Your wife acted out some bi fantasies with the stripper, and she should own up to it and not be ahsamed that something outside of man/wife/missionary position turned her on. Link to post Share on other sites
IWALH Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 What I want to know is what in the hell kind of a strip club did you go to where the stripper let you touch and rub her and LICK her NIPPLES?!?! Sounds to me like you were in a brothel rather than a regular strip club. Ew. Link to post Share on other sites
Carbine Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Holy s**t. As screwed up as the situation is, I can sort of see the method in her madness because I've possibly been in her shoes before. I think the problem is because of her jealousy. Let me explain - I'm a severely jealous person and I couldn't stand my ex even looking at another girl let alone going to a strip club. He was 'banned' from going to strip clubs. All this would consistently cause some MASSIVE rows between us. Jealousy is a weird thing though - it wants to know everything in obsessive detail, even the hurtful stuff. If my ex would look at or talk to an attractive girl I'd naturally feel jealous and hurt, but at the same time it would also give me a perverse kind of satisfaction because it gave focus to my anger. All the insecurities, low self-esteem, worries and hurt floating around inside of me could be temporarily channeled into something useful - "I knew I was right all along, he finds that sort of girl more attractive than me even though he said he didn't. Now he's just gone and proven it. Well, now I'm going to hurt him" which in turn meant that I had ammunition against him. I'd purposefully start a fight to punish him for MY self esteem issues. I often secretly thought about asking him to take me to a strip club, and even to go so far as both of us having lapdances. I'm not bi or bi-curious, I just knew that if he expressed his lust for a better looking girl in such an explicit way then the ammo I'd have against him would be absolutely f**king priceless. That would allow me to punish him for days for being attracted to other girls, and to punish myself for not looking a certain way. Being under the influence sometimes gives you the false courage to confront your issues. Sometimes if I was under it, I'd allow him to watch porn or talk to good looking girls without letting my rage boil over, sometimes I'd pretend to be happy about it or even turned on. But when it wears off the old feelings of jealousy and resentment flood back and all hell breaks loose. I'd say awful things to my then-bf, that I wanted to break up, called him cruel names, made threats etc. Back to your situation: you probably made things a lot worse by insisting that you don't go to the club because it makes it look like you're hiding something. I mean, how many men will willingly pass up the opportunity to visit a strip club without a DAMN good reason?? She'll probably use this one against you at some stage. Anyway, I honestly doubt that she'll carry through with her threats to get a divorce. She's had her insecurities freshly stirred up and is feeling hurt but deep down she's probably more pissed off at herself than she is at you. You're just an easy target and unfortunately, now you're in one of those no-win situations because at the end of the day, you WERE involved in what happened. My advice is to suck it in and allow yourself to be her emotional whipping boy for awhile. Let her insult you and criticise you for as long as she needs to get past what happened, you'll just have to grin and bear it. Dont bother defending yourself or discussing things rationally, because there's no point at the moment. Once she's satisfied with hurting you back, her anger will probably recede fairly quickly. My wife and I went out to a regular dance club and had plenty of drinks until we were wasted, then she started talking about wanting to go to a strip club and check it out. I said "not interested" multiple times, but she insisted. So finally I gave in. Once there she wanted to order a lapdance, I said "no" she said "quit being a damn prude." So I gave in yet again. THen when we were getting the dance she started touching and rubbing and even kissing the body (no sex). She would put my hands on the stripper and insist I do the same stuff. After awhile I just did it and after 5 dances and more drinks we left. Next morning She is pist and says I got her drunk and took advanrtage. Everytime I say "you are the one that made me" or I say "you were doing the same thing." She runs out of the house or hangs up the phone. Now she wants a divorce. Help me Folks. Link to post Share on other sites
Love is Tragic Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Your wife is acting extremely lame, and is sadly making 'sane' women everywhere look bad. I think she is either up to something scandalous herself and is looking for justification for her own actions. She may be using the strip club incident to take any attention off of herself. And i would guess that she will try to hold it over your head for a looooooong time if you let her. I would do a little snooping around with the phone records and such and see if you notice anything suspicious. That or she may just be ashamed that she admitted to another woman turning her on. Some women get freaked out about that and many will never admit it. If she pushes for the divorce, tell her if shes going to let something so trivial end your marriage, then let her end it. I would guess she will realize how stupid she is acting about the whole ordeal and you two can move on with your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
nylah Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Where are you from??? Well just wait till she calm down then you can explain to her about what happened. Loui. Self Help Zone I think I have finally heard it all....:lmao:... I don't mean to make lite of your problem but this is funny as hell...you're gonna have to listen to the guys on this one....I'm still laughing!! Link to post Share on other sites
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