physical or emotional intimacy?

[sanjay5410]

I would like to know that in a marriage, what works physical intimacy or emotional intimacy?

I think physical intimacy should be given priority over emotional cause if you are physically involved than the emotional intimacy follows?

 

Me and my wife have a lot of fight over this and this is causing a lot of problems.

She feels the other way round !

 

So want to know what makes a marriage run physical or emotional intimacy?

[McFadden]

I don't know anything but it looks to me like the only way you can compromise in your situation is to go 50/50.

[angel3]

aren't they equally important? A healthy balance of both?

 

Then again, I'm not the expert I thought I was - I only just found out that my H cheated on me, and we had (have?) a tremendous amount of emotional intimacy. I agree with the above - I guess what's important is that both partners agree on the correct answer to this question for them as a couple, or work to find a compromise. I think communication is key.

 

Good luck with this, truly. I'm interested in what replies may come.

[EnigmaXOXO]

FEMALE: Love me, than I’ll want to have sex with you.

 

MALE: Have sex with me, than I’ll want to love you.

 

Grade school 101 when it comes to male/female relationships.

 

So want to know what makes a marriage run physical or emotional intimacy?

 

The combination of BOTH. One without the other will leave you with neither.

 

Haven’t you learned that yet?

[luvstarved]

Enigma is absolutely right. Men and women are just wired differently, and this is a silly argument. There isn't any "right" answer, it's just a viewpoint that tends to follow gender lines. Of course, you need both, and it should be thought of as a good design that women are more inclined to focus on one and men the other - that's teamwork!! Doesn't always work that way...but in healthy respectful relationships these differences are accepted, and even cherished.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll also expand on the gender differences. If you as a man can't emotionally connect with your mate, in many cases, you won't get physically connected.

[luvstarved]

I'll also expand on the gender differences. If you as a man can't emotionally connect with your mate, in many cases, you won't get physically connected.

 

And vice versa.

[Trialbyfire]

And vice versa.

Disputable... Many men can live by physical alone.

[luvstarved]

Disputable... Many men can live by physical alone.

 

I meant that if you as a woman cannot physically connect with your mate then you may not get emotionally connected either.

 

And I don't think "Many" is a good estimate. I doubt that there are any more heartless snatch hounds out there than there are women who withhold sex to manipulate.

 

I think most people want both and just have a hard time knowing how to go about getting it.

[Trialbyfire]

I meant that if you as a woman cannot physically connect with your mate then you may not get emotionally connected either.

 

And I don't think "Many" is a good estimate. I doubt that there are any more heartless snatch hounds out there than there are women who withhold sex to manipulate.

 

I think most people want both and just have a hard time knowing how to go about getting it.

Go to either the Infidelity or the OW/OM forum, if you're wondering why men feel entitled to cheat. Is it a power princess situation or is it that some men can't emotionally connect with their spouses, thus don't get any?

[Touche]

Go to either the Infidelity or the OW/OM forum, if you're wondering why men feel entitled to cheat. Is it a power princess situation or is it that some men can't emotionally connect with their spouses, thus don't get any?[/QUOTE]

 

Power princess situation? I don't think so. Men who can't emotionally connect with their spouses? No, that's not it either.

 

Men who "don't get any?" Nope.

 

The men who feel entitled to cheat are the men who have no morals. They have no values. They have no integrity. They're not real men.

 

It's that simple.

[Trialbyfire]

The men who feel entitled to cheat are the men who have no morals. They have no values. They have no integrity. They're not real men.

 

So I've noticed...

[Touche]

I would like to know that in a marriage, what works physical intimacy or emotional intimacy?

I think physical intimacy should be given priority over emotional cause if you are physically involved than the emotional intimacy follows?

 

Me and my wife have a lot of fight over this and this is causing a lot of problems.

She feels the other way round !

 

So want to know what makes a marriage run physical or emotional intimacy?

 

I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ignore the question. You must have BOTH. It's that simple. My H and I have been married 12 years. We have both. We need both. You really can't have one without the other and expect to have a successful marriage.

[Touche]

So I've noticed...

 

And for your sake, I hope you don't stop noticing.

[Trialbyfire]

And for your sake, I hope you don't stop noticing.

I'll keep your advice in mind. Thanks.

[sanjay5410]

I understand both is important but which governs?

PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL !

 

The man wants to get physical and the woman emotional so means they both give into each others desire to stay. But i dont think that is healthy and will work out.

 

But down the years i think it becomes natural and you tend to adjust with what u get?

[Trialbyfire]

I understand both is important but which governs?

PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL !

 

The man wants to get physical and the woman emotional so means they both give into each others desire to stay. But i dont think that is healthy and will work out.

 

But down the years i think it becomes natural and you tend to adjust with what u get?

Neither governs. Successful relationships work if both parties are happy.

 

Is an emotional connection impossible for men? I highly doubt it.

Is a physical connection impossible for women? I highly doubt it.

 

So why can't both be of equal importance?

[Ladyjane14]

I understand both is important but which governs?

PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL !

 

The man wants to get physical and the woman emotional so means they both give into each others desire to stay. But i dont think that is healthy and will work out.

 

But down the years i think it becomes natural and you tend to adjust with what u get?

 

Huh???

 

What you're saying isn't really pertinent to achieving your goal. Look at it this way, if each person had on a gender-specific set of eyeglasses that they looked through and wore every minute of every day, it would be easy to see that both men and women perceive things in different ways, each looking through their own lens. The inner workings of our brains are different.

 

Now, both men and women learn alot over the course of time about the opposite sex, so we mimic and adapt at different rates, but none of us will ever feel what it is to BE the opposite sex and look through that other lens... unless we undergo a gender reassignment procedure, that is.

 

You can't get a dog and then treat it like a cat, right? It's not going to be a happy dog if you do. And you can't get a woman and treat her like a dude. She won't be a happy woman.

 

Unhappy/Tired Woman = No Sex.

 

A woman's drive is affected by her emotions and general health. She doesn't have the testosterone you do. Your level of testosterone overcomes many things that would otherwise sink a woman's libido. Fatigue, anger, resentment, frustration, etc... these are things that alot of men will handily overcome with their sex drive intact. But for women, it's difficult to 'get in the mood' when under stress. We just don't have the same physical make-up as men do.

 

The COIN for achieving physical intimacy with a woman is consistent EMOTIONAL INTIMACY coupled with good performance. You gotta 'pay to play' for everything else in life, and just because you're married doesn't mean you get a pass on that. If you were a single man, you bet your ass you'd be out there putting in the effort to 'get some'. Why should your wife receive less than whatever random woman out in the world would receive if you were single?

 

So... if you just HAVE to know who's wrong here, it's you. Your wife is willing to have relations with you twice a week. That's twice a week you have an opportunity to 'rock her world' and make her a happy woman. If you're not getting the job done, fella.... that's on you. All I can say is that there's alot of guys posting here at LS who would envy you the opportunities you're squandering.

[Trialbyfire]

If you think about it sanjay, you are saying my needs supercede her needs...

[mockeryjones]

If you think about it sanjay, you are saying my needs supercede her needs...

 

 

isn't that kinda what you have to do in life? no one else is responsible for fufilling your needs, so if you don't put them first they will never get met.

[Trialbyfire]

isn't that kinda what you have to do in life? no one else is responsible for fufilling your needs, so if you don't put them first they will never get met.

Touché...

 

By that same token, no one is responsible for fulfilling your needs so isn't the man responsible for fulfilling his own physical needs by himself? I hear that if you do this too often, you could go blind.

[mockeryjones]

Touché...

 

By that same token, no one is responsible for fulfilling your needs so isn't the man responsible for fulfilling his own physical needs by himself? I hear that if you do this too often, you could go blind.

 

 

he is responsible for getting his needs met. this doesn't exactly mean the same thing as fufilling his own needs......it's a choice he has to make.

[Trialbyfire]

he is responsible for getting his needs met. this doesn't exactly mean the same thing as fufilling his own needs......it's a choice he has to make.

Expand on this. I'm curious to know where this is going.

[mockeryjones]

Expand on this. I'm curious to know where this is going.

 

 

well he has at least five choices that i can see.

 

1. he can take care of it himself. (risking blindness but at least temporarlily satisfiying the need )

 

2. he can put more effort into responding to her emotional needs in the hope she will reciprocate (which has been recommended but which is ultimately a losing strategy since it depends on her changing and implies that he has some sort of power to change her behavior/attitude. he does not, she will not change without effort on her part, no amount of work from him can change that)

 

3 he can resign himself to not getting his needs met (painful but doable strategy, at least for awhile. to me this is akin to maintaining the status quo and solves nothing)

 

4 he can divorce her and find someone more suited to him (an unfortunate option but one that is avilable to him)

 

5 he can go out and find it somewhere else either by starting an affair, having random one night stands, or paying for it. (not the best way to handle it from the relationship sense but it defintely will handle the physical needs problem, at least until she finds out , boots him and takes all his money in a divorce)

 

ultimately though the one thing he cannot do is change his wife. until he accepts that fact then he is not going to be operating from a valid set of choices. until he takes responsibility for getting his needs met nothing will change for him.

[Trialbyfire]

well he has at least five choices that i can see.

 

1. he can take care of it himself. (risking blindness but at least temporarlily satisfiying the need )

 

2. he can put more effort into responding to her emotional needs in the hope she will reciprocate (which has been recommended but which is ultimately a losing strategy since it depends on her changing and implies that he has some sort of power to change her behavior/attitude. he does not, she will not change without effort on her part, no amount of work from him can change that)

 

3 he can resign himself to not getting his needs met (painful but doable strategy, at least for awhile. to me this is akin to maintaining the status quo and solves nothing)

 

4 he can divorce her and find someone more suited to him (an unfortunate option but one that is avilable to him)

 

5 he can go out and find it somewhere else either by starting an affair, having random one night stands, or paying for it. (not the best way to handle it from the relationship sense but it defintely will handle the physical needs problem, at least until she finds out , boots him and takes all his money in a divorce)

 

ultimately though the one thing he cannot do is change his wife. until he accepts that fact then he is not going to be operating from a valid set of choices. until he takes responsibility for getting his needs met nothing will change for him.

Perhaps you can go into why his wife needs to change her requirement for emotional needs?