For people "not into" their spouses...

[luvstarved]

I haven't seen too many of this type on the boards...are they all too busy masturbating or looking at porn or cheating on their spouses to come here and try to figure out how to exist in a marriage in which their mates are so sexually frustrated??

 

It just seems that there is a disproportionate number of posts here about women especially not getting enough sex and God knows I am one of the loudest!!!

 

It has just been pointed out to me that my approach has been too intimidating and demanding and I am now supposed to hold out hope that with a softer gentler approach I will get what I want. My H, like most of the others I read about, says he DOES want me...but again like most, fails to show it in any discernible way...

 

So I am wondering..., have you ever felt intimidated/pressured by a partner for sex? I can easily see NOW that it could be a turn off. But, can it be TURNED AROUND?

 

I am asking because in my personal experience, once I "lost that feeling" for a guy, I was never successful in getting it back. Anyone else been able to, once the pressure was off and the "right" approach/demeanor was used?

[Tony T]

Anything can happen. It's all in the brain. If somebody loses interest in sex totally, the only way it will return is if their brain and accompanying thoughts and chemistry return to the point in time when there was passionate interest. Human beings are far too complex to be studied superficially. There is no magic pill. No magic therapy. It's there or it's not. After marriage, there are some who retain sexual interest until one dies...but I would say the average is two or three years. What happens after that depends on so many factors and how nice the stuff the lady buys at Victoria's Secret.

 

It sux really bad but it's just a human thing. Sexual interest peaks but there are so very many other factors involved, including stress, children, fatigue, diet, blood sugar, etc. that can affect the intensity of sex as the years move on. I do think if the partners have patience, talk it over as adults, help each other find the source of the problem, etc., it can work. There are some cases in which no matter what the unhappy partner does, it simply won't work. There is no one answer the this problem...and it is NOT an unusual problem.

 

Make sure you breath smells nice, for sure!

[Zona76]

I deffinatley wasn't into my 1st H and my 2nd H has made up for the 1st 1000 times over.

[Curmudgeon]

I haven't seen too many of this type on the boards...are they all too busy masturbating or looking at porn or cheating on their spouses to come here and try to figure out how to exist in a marriage in which their mates are so sexually frustrated??

 

You must be frustrated to come up with that.

 

There are as many reasons for diminished sex drive as there are people, men and women, who experience it. It can't be encapsulated into a "one-size-fits-all" explanation, nor is there a magic pill to make it all better.

 

I would likely react badly to undue pressure and censure and not want to be active with the person who nagged, hounded, demeaned, demanded, compared, etc.

 

I think there are two "first steps" that are essential -- a complete physical to rule out any medical issues and some counseling to rule out any psychological and emotional issues. Mostly, I think, in many cases, it has to do with communication skills, or lack thereof. Approach is everything and a bruised ego does not perform well, if at all.

[luvstarved]

You must be frustrated to come up with that.

 

There are as many reasons for diminished sex drive as there are people, men and women, who experience it. It can't be encapsulated into a "one-size-fits-all" explanation, nor is there a magic pill to make it all better.

 

I would likely react badly to undue pressure and censure and not want to be active with the person who nagged, hounded, demeaned, demanded, compared, etc.

 

I think there are two "first steps" that are essential -- a complete physical to rule out any medical issues and some counseling to rule out any psychological and emotional issues. Mostly, I think, in many cases, it has to do with communication skills, or lack thereof. Approach is everything and a bruised ego does not perform well, if at all.

 

Curmudgeon, first of all I appreciate your advice because from your posts it sounds like you are really grounded and have an excellent marriage. You're right, the reasons can be all over. My H never had a diminished sex drive, just directed it toward himself, porn, thinking of other women, etc. He has been told by counselors he is emotionally abusive, narcissistic...the story is long and told elsewhere on LS. I do agree that pressure has not served me well, but I have to disagree with the "undue" part

 

But, I really do not want to be "right", I DO want to be happy and am trying to own my own crap and do everything in my power to fix things. I have put a LOT of effort into it already and am looking I suppose for answers that only time will give me...but that doesn't stop me from coming on here and trying to hear things that will make me more hopeful!!

 

Thanks again.

[Curmudgeon]

You deserve to be happy and content. I guess I shoudl read more and get a better handle on others' stories or be more aware.

 

If he's "wasting" his efforts in his own pleasure while fantasizing about others then the problems in your marriage run deep. That doesn't necessarily say anything about you and might well say everything about him.

 

I wish I had a better answer for you.

[RecordProducer]

Luvstarved, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing and persuading yourself that this is about you and thus you can change something. You can't. While the possible solution might be in your power partially, the cause is not. Hint: think medical.

[shadowofman]

I agree. Think medical, but beyond diagnosis and medication. Think sociobiologically. How are men's brains built to behave? Why are men designed by natural selection to be invasive penetrators of women? Why are men designed to have the ability to impregnate multiple women and for all the evidence, are drive beyond reason to do so, by controlling, manipulating, and lying? Why do men have to become arosed before any sex is even possible.

Some want to chase. Some want it on a platter wrapped in lace (or leather). Some maybe have lost the attraction, but more often are just looking for variety (the spice of life as they say).

Ask these questions as applied to you particular situation. Look at his porn for common themes (if he has a large enough sample for an accurate analysis). Talk about your fantasies. That's all I've got besides my own problems.

[RecordProducer]

I agree. Think medical, but beyond diagnosis and medication. Think sociobiologically. How are men's brains built to behave? Why are men designed by natural selection to be invasive penetrators of women? Why are men designed to have the ability to impregnate multiple women and for all the evidence, are drive beyond reason to do so, by controlling, manipulating, and lying? Why do men have to become arosed before any sex is even possible.

Some want to chase. Some want it on a platter wrapped in lace (or leather). Some maybe have lost the attraction, but more often are just looking for variety (the spice of life as they say).

Ask these questions as applied to you particular situation. Look at his porn for common themes (if he has a large enough sample for an accurate analysis). Talk about your fantasies. That's all I've got besides my own problems.

This reminds me of this quasi-joke: a woman tries hard to bake a bread and the husband goes and buys one in the store. But in this case, she can buy outside what she is desperately trying to bake.

 

Who cares about seducing your husband? When you stop trying and wanting to seduce him, he just might come around. In the meanwhile, look outside the cage. Life's too short.

[tommyr]

It has just been pointed out to me that my approach has been too intimidating and demanding and I am now supposed to hold out hope that with a softer gentler approach I will get what I want. My H, like most of the others I read about, says he DOES want me...but again like most, fails to show it in any discernible way...

 

Boy do I share your dilemma! My wife has very low libido - if it were left up to her, we would have sex once every 2 months. I am more a twice per week guy, so do I wait patiently for the stars to align and my wife gets in the mood? HELL NO!!!!

 

I tried the "be patient and she will come to me" approach, and guess what? I was so frustrated and cranky that even when her 60 day horny cycle arrived, the tension between us made sex totally impossible.

 

After countless arguments and near divorce, we both agreed to work on our marriage. In particular I forced the sex issue. She agreed to "try" for sex once or twice per week. So even though we are not actually hitting our monthly numbers (averaging 3 per month), the very fact that she has told me she is willing to work on this makes our situation far more bearable for me.

 

So instead of me being totally powerless over the situation, just waiting it out in frustration, now I can focus on "seducing her" during the week. And she does reciprocate, not always with the result I usually want (sex) but enough that I will keep going and hopefully things will get even better. Also I now focus on making our almost-weekly sex encounters as good for her as possible - offering motivation for the next time.

 

Does pressuring my partner for sex actually work? On a Macro level, yes it certainly does - she agreed to a regular sex life this sets the mutual expectation. But on a Micro level, I cannot unzip my pants and say to her "goddammit its been 12 friggen days!" Like they say you catch more flys with honey than vinegar.

[PandorasBox]

This may not even have much to do with the topic at hand, but thought I would share something thats kind of a reverse thing.

 

I know a couple, who have been married for 12 years, and they have sex ALL the time. According to her anyway. She has told me that they don't do alot together or really show feelings towards one another. BUT, thats it. They have sex alot, share a house, have kids, they both work etc, which is wonderful, BUT they do not connect at all emotionally. They don't even speak alot to one another. I have seen them walk right past each other as if the other one is not even there. They don't make eye contact alot, they don't hug or kiss or are affectionate much towards one another, he spendss alot of time in another room on the computer and she is infront of the tv, but when it comes to having sex, look out its on!

 

I think its just as sad as someone not getting their needs met sexually. Its almost as if their marriage is over, but are together for sex. I'm sure there are other reasons why they are still together, but its almost like they can't stand each other. I mean, people have to do what works for them I guess, but it just seems like they are really unhappy even though they have lots of sex.

[RecordProducer]

This may not even have much to do with the topic

You're right about that!

I know a couple, who have been married for 12 years, and they have sex ALL the time. ... BUT they do not connect at all emotionally.

While this might be a problem, it's completely irrelevant to the sexless-marriage problem, because you're showing the opposite extreme as eqally bad. You don't tell an obese person that being too skinny is also bad; you don't tell a poor/ill person that being rich/healthy may also be bad, because something else might be wrong in their lives.

 

Lack of emotional connection is even more prevalent in sexless relationships. Just because some people f*ck like rabbits, but lack the closeness doesn't mean that sexually inactive people should be grateful that they don't have that kind of problems.

 

Sexual inactivity affects your overall health, aging process, stress level, and emotional/mental balance. Some religions teach people that sex is dirty, but in fact it's very healthy and contributes significantly to our wellbeing. Being deprived from sex by a spouse is no better than a spouse who drinks and drives fast with us in their vehicle. The only difference is that the latter can kill us instantly, but not certainly, while the former kills gradually, but most definitely (if you remain married and faithful).

[Krytellan]

I am asking because in my personal experience, once I "lost that feeling" for a guy, I was never successful in getting it back. Anyone else been able to, once the pressure was off and the "right" approach/demeanor was used?

 

Unfortunately, I'm starting to learn that a lack of sex drive on the part of one partner directly translates from a loss of interest (physical or otherwise) in the other partner.

 

The one and only relationship I can remember losing my sex drive with a girl, I broke up with her 2 months later. Of the three relationships where he girl lost her sex drive for me, they all led to her breaking up with me.

 

I'm of the mind that this is one of the simplest indicators of when it's time to get out of a relationship. I don't believe it's something that can come back or that disappears for stupid reasons ("I just don't know what's wrong" or "It must be stress"). I will forever use it as a gauge of whether there is mutual interest at all in a relationship.

 

No sex = lost feelings.

 

Unfortunately, this suggests that sexless marriages, once they begin, will perpetuate unless the person who has magically "lost the sex drive" is willing or able to give in sexually to the other person in the absence of any desire for that person. That's not common, there are very few people in the world that selfless.

[lonelybird]

now I can focus on "seducing her" during the week. And she does reciprocate, not always with the result I usually want (sex) but enough that I will keep going and hopefully things will get even better. Also I now focus on making our almost-weekly sex encounters as good for her as possible - offering motivation for the next time.

 

.

maybe all wife need to be "seduced" once in a while

 

I agree with Tony that sex have much to do with the brain:confused:,

rivival feeling = have sex appetite, not way around:o

[JackJack]

You're right about that!

While this might be a problem, it's completely irrelevant to the sexless-marriage problem, because you're showing the opposite extreme as eqally bad. You don't tell an obese person that being too skinny is also bad; you don't tell a poor/ill person that being rich/healthy may also be bad, because something else might be wrong in their lives.

 

Lack of emotional connection is even more prevalent in sexless relationships. Just because some people f*ck like rabbits, but lack the closeness doesn't mean that sexually inactive people should be grateful that they don't have that kind of problems.

 

Sexual inactivity affects your overall health, aging process, stress level, and emotional/mental balance. Some religions teach people that sex is dirty, but in fact it's very healthy and contributes significantly to our wellbeing. Being deprived from sex by a spouse is no better than a spouse who drinks and drives fast with us in their vehicle. The only difference is that the latter can kill us instantly, but not certainly, while the former kills gradually, but most definitely (if you remain married and faithful).

 

Actually, even though it might be not what the orginal topic was about, I think Its fine PB posted this, because while it may be the flip side of the coin in a sexless marriage, it states that even though some have a sexless marriage that continue to live that way, there are some who live in a marriage that might not be sexless, but emotionless.

And lack other things besides just sex. Sex is important, don't get me wrong, but so is having someone who wants to be with you because they love you, care about you, want to be with you.

[csaswift]

Your comments are all well and good and yes your wife can make an effort but what about when its the man who has no libido, believe me if he cant get a erection for whatever reason then where can he make the effort. because without an erection there is nothing coming my way , and if he's getting nothing i sure aint either thats the way he looks at it.