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As good a place as any...a partner who won't work on it


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whirlwinds_sister

Some of you may have read me from the OW/OM forum and yes at this point I am bitter about my marriage.

 

I'm not going to justify everything that has gone on recently on my side, but I just don't know if there is hope and I guess I want the final nail in the coffin so to speak. You see, I have pleaded, begged, my spouse to work with me on our marriage and he is well aware of the difficulties and my needs, but he doesn't want to work on it. He sees nothing wrong with how things are and when he does say he'll work on it, he never does. He is distant from me and has been for years. All of this started me on the path that did take me into the arms of another, but that's over with and he doesn't know and his behavior is the same as ever--it was bad before and it was bad after. At this point, I refuse to reveal the A to clear my conscience because the way things are going, I do not want that used against me should we D. Anyway, the point is, that for going on 8 years now, I have wanted to make things better and tried to employ his help and all the time he has resisted or made like I was making a big deal of nothing, but it isn't nothing, the problems were and are a very big deal to me.

 

Any insight?:(

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You see, I have pleaded, begged, my spouse to work with me on our marriage and he is well aware of the difficulties and my needs, but he doesn't want to work on it. He sees nothing wrong with how things are and when he does say he'll work on it, he never does. He is distant from me and has been for years.

 

Have you all been to MC before? Or will he not go?

 

If you feel you have tried everything you know of, and he still wont budge or try to make it work, then you may have a choice you need to make.

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whirlwinds_sister
You see, I have pleaded, begged, my spouse to work with me on our marriage and he is well aware of the difficulties and my needs, but he doesn't want to work on it. He sees nothing wrong with how things are and when he does say he'll work on it, he never does. He is distant from me and has been for years.

 

Have you all been to MC before? Or will he not go?

 

If you feel you have tried everything you know of, and he still wont budge or try to make it work, then you may have a choice you need to make.

 

He won't go:( and I know it leaves me with a choice to make...one that I've avoided making because I had hoped. I think what I realized recently and it was my first step in moving towards that decision was that he didn't love me and never really had. I'm so angry at him for that. We have children now and one that requires special attention. I feel, besides my children, as if I was cheated out of the better things in life because of his lies.

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He won't go:( and I know it leaves me with a choice to make...one that I've avoided making because I had hoped. I think what I realized recently and it was my first step in moving towards that decision was that he didn't love me and never really had. I'm so angry at him for that. We have children now and one that requires special attention. I feel, besides my children, as if I was cheated out of the better things in life because of his lies.

 

I'm sorry this is happening. I know you may not want to hear this, but here it goes.

 

Sometimes when couples just can't work things out for whatever reason, they do better as parents and as people, apart. NOT always, but sometimes that is how it happens. Seperating or divorce I'm sure is not easy at all, and puts a great strain on everyone involved. I know most probably view divorce as something that's a not good thing, and I guess for the most part its not, but it can sometimes be a blessing in disguise for some.

 

I'm not saying for sure you all need to seperate or divorce that will have to be your call, but if he is not willing to work on things, and you are sure you've tried most all things, then theres really not many other choices, other than living with things the way they are, and that just doesn't sound real healthy to continue in the same pattern. Alot of times, people can be civil to one another and get along especially when there are kids involved when they are no longer together.

 

Do you feel you could hire some extra help with your child who needs special help? Or maybe a family could help out too, plus your husband does need to do his share as well, even if you all were to seperate etc.

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IfWishesWereHorses

I do not want that used against me should we D.

 

Do you know if you live in a no fault state and do you bring home the majority of the income? If the answers are yes and no respectively then I don't think its something you need to worry about.

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whirlwinds_sister
I do not want that used against me should we D.

 

Do you know if you live in a no fault state and do you bring home the majority of the income? If the answers are yes and no respectively then I don't think its something you need to worry about.

 

The answer is I have no idea. I'd been hoping for so long and quite honestly I knew when the A happened, even though it was months ago, that it was probably over in that I knew I had reached my limit when it happened. I admit I'm weak, it is why I didn't make the move sooner, but I'd always hoped. I look at my children and just hoped things would change:(

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whirlwinds_sister
I'm sorry this is happening. I know you may not want to hear this, but here it goes.

 

Sometimes when couples just can't work things out for whatever reason, they do better as parents and as people, apart. NOT always, but sometimes that is how it happens. Seperating or divorce I'm sure is not easy at all, and puts a great strain on everyone involved. I know most probably view divorce as something that's a not good thing, and I guess for the most part its not, but it can sometimes be a blessing in disguise for some.

 

I'm not saying for sure you all need to seperate or divorce that will have to be your call, but if he is not willing to work on things, and you are sure you've tried most all things, then theres really not many other choices, other than living with things the way they are, and that just doesn't sound real healthy to continue in the same pattern. Alot of times, people can be civil to one another and get along especially when there are kids involved when they are no longer together.

 

Do you feel you could hire some extra help with your child who needs special help? Or maybe a family could help out too, plus your husband does need to do his share as well, even if you all were to seperate etc.

 

He's been a position to hold this over me for a long time. I truly do not have any family or friends to help me out. It's been very isolating. His family and friends are all around and has been the reason I was scared to leave him since I know they are viscious in these things.

I know the conclusion it is coming too. I knew it years ago and I knew it when the A happened for me. I've just been resisting. I see one person whose watched me post in that forum who may better understand the hell I've been in in this marriage. I'm to the point of being physically ill, losing hair, and lethargic all the time over this. The problem is, despite the A, I still love him, but apparently he never felt the same way about me and that's killing me. He's also threatened to take the children although I've been assured that as their primary care person for 10 years that isn't likely to happen.

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IfWishesWereHorses

You should be able to google the laws regarding D in your state and get answers to how things might affect you legally. You might be interested in the laws regarding alllimony as well. If it is issued only under the discretion of the court then it is possible that the A could hurt you legally. It does NOT mean that you would loose your children unless there are other issues. You may be surprised at what you might find.

 

Do you think you had an exit affair?

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Darth Vader
Some of you may have read me from the OW/OM forum and yes at this point I am bitter about my marriage.

 

I'm not going to justify everything that has gone on recently on my side, but I just don't know if there is hope and I guess I want the final nail in the coffin so to speak. You see, I have pleaded, begged, my spouse to work with me on our marriage and he is well aware of the difficulties and my needs, but he doesn't want to work on it. He sees nothing wrong with how things are and when he does say he'll work on it, he never does. He is distant from me and has been for years. All of this started me on the path that did take me into the arms of another, but that's over with and he doesn't know and his behavior is the same as ever--it was bad before and it was bad after. At this point, I refuse to reveal the A to clear my conscience because the way things are going, I do not want that used against me should we D. Anyway, the point is, that for going on 8 years now, I have wanted to make things better and tried to employ his help and all the time he has resisted or made like I was making a big deal of nothing, but it isn't nothing, the problems were and are a very big deal to me.

 

Any insight?:(

 

 

There's no point to work on your marriage if you don't tell him about your affair, why should he do all that work, then find out about your affair, it would all be for nothing. Having the A was very selfish of you, because you not only cheated on your husband, you cheated on your children. It's very possible that your husband knows about your affair, or suspects, henceforth he won't change. Someone could've seen you two together and told your hubby. Someone here mentioned alimony, what? You cheated on him, now you're gonna screw him over, and hurt him even more? I promise you, if you do all of that, and he finds out about your A, he'll really hate you then. Then he'll really fight you then, you had better fess up, be honest about your A, and let your hubby make his own life choices, after all you made yours, so.... why can't he?

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whichwayisup

I was just going to say the same thing. You need to tell him about your affair, otherwise starting to fix the marriage isn't going to work. It's not honest and upfront. Also, is the OM completely out of the picture? Or do you two still keep intouch on occasion?

 

Is it possible he knows about the affair but is waiting for you to come clean? Never say never....He could have found out on his own, either by accident or someone saw you with your OM.

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whichwayisup

Forgot to add this, maybe if you told him, he would actually KNOW how unhappy you were/are and that led you to the choice to cheat on him. Maybe that would be enough to make him go to counselling with you, or just end the marriage. Atleast this way, SOMETHING happens and you both can either fix it or move on to find a better match.

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whirlwinds_sister
There's no point to work on your marriage if you don't tell him about your affair, why should he do all that work, then find out about your affair, it would all be for nothing. Having the A was very selfish of you, because you not only cheated on your husband, you cheated on your children. It's very possible that your husband knows about your affair, or suspects, henceforth he won't change. Someone could've seen you two together and told your hubby. Someone here mentioned alimony, what? You cheated on him, now you're gonna screw him over, and hurt him even more? I promise you, if you do all of that, and he finds out about your A, he'll really hate you then. Then he'll really fight you then, you had better fess up, be honest about your A, and let your hubby make his own life choices, after all you made yours, so.... why can't he?

 

I just love posters like you--nothing but pure projection. Get over yourself. If you read anything more then the A, you would have known that that went on in the last year, his behavior has been going on for about 8 years--LONG before I talked to any other man and at that point I had suspected, during a pregnancy no less, that he was with someone else. He had 7 years to put all the hard work in and he rejected it at every turn so you are damn right I blame him for the circumstances that lead up to the A and wihtout going into detail, I will add that he was not without some very devastating betrayals to me as well. I'd never take your advice because to someone like you all you want to see is more pain because of your own sad life and some hatred either for OW or women in general. I don't speak to people who are one-dimensional so consider this my last response to you.

 

To answer the other person, yes, I do think I was having an exit A and I use that term loosely because both the OM and I were separated at the time so this is not new territory.

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whirlwinds_sister
I was just going to say the same thing. You need to tell him about your affair, otherwise starting to fix the marriage isn't going to work. It's not honest and upfront. Also, is the OM completely out of the picture? Or do you two still keep intouch on occasion?

 

Is it possible he knows about the affair but is waiting for you to come clean? Never say never....He could have found out on his own, either by accident or someone saw you with your OM.

 

No, I'm sorry...he's been an ass to me without ammunition, I'm not going to give him even more to wield the control over me. I think one thing that needs to stop from what I've seen on these boards are of the hapless, innocent spouse at home. Sometimes an A is karma coming back around...you can take that to the bank. I'm not saying it is planned, but just like not working hard or dropping out in school ensures a certain outcome so does neglectful and sometimes abusive behavior towards a spouse. I think in the end what I resent is that once again in my life I'm doing this all alone.

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Darth Vader
I just love posters like you--nothing but pure projection. Get over yourself. If you read anything more then the A, you would have known that that went on in the last year, his behavior has been going on for about 8 years--LONG before I talked to any other man and at that point I had suspected, during a pregnancy no less, that he was with someone else. He had 7 years to put all the hard work in and he rejected it at every turn so you are damn right I blame him for the circumstances that lead up to the A and wihtout going into detail, I will add that he was not without some very devastating betrayals to me as well. I'd never take your advice because to someone like you all you want to see is more pain because of your own sad life and some hatred either for OW or women in general. I don't speak to people who are one-dimensional so consider this my last response to you.

 

To answer the other person, yes, I do think I was having an exit A and I use that term loosely because both the OM and I were separated at the time so this is not new territory.

 

 

Frankly I don't care if you never post to me again, the point is that you are using what happened to you as a means to justify your actions, you're full of bullcrap lady, and I use the word lady loosely! You don't want to face the consequences of your actions! How would you know that you husband cheated on you? Did you catch him? Do you have proof, or do you just assumed he did? You sure didn't refer to any of his "cheating" beforehand. Get used to us kind of people, because you'll see a whole lot more of us! I'm apparently not the only one here who is one dimensional..........:p

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Darth Vader

Oh, another thing, not all people here are BS's, some are the BC (Betrayed children)! So you not only betrayed your husband, you betrayed you children as well, and if he did in fact cheat, so did he! Get over myself? Ha! You FIRST!

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I find this post very disturbing....

 

Why cheat on your husband when you could have left him? If things are this bad -- and if he's been like this for 8 years -- then why even stay married to him? I'm sure your life with this man is stressful, but any hope you had of even (possibly) fixing your marriage left the building when you decided to 'fall into the arms of another man'.

 

 

How can you label Darth as pure projection when you have already stated that your husband's actions pushed you into the arms of another man? The projection was already there in your original post. I hate to be the one to shatter your false sense of reality, but your affair was the act of selfishness, not your husband's lack of cooperation in your marriage. You were the one who made the decision to screw around after all, so quite honestly this is all you, not him.

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It WOULD be a lot easier to comment on your situation if you were more specific about all of the wrong behaviors you have lived with. Many of us on the boards are in difficult marriages and doing our best to try to salvage them. Few of us know whether we will succeed, or else we would not be here talking about it.

 

Whatever your H has or has not done, it is incorrect of you to blame him for your affair. I can understand it at some level, I have been in sexless marriage for long time and could have taken that path and have had some temptations. I really don't mean to sound judgmental about it, except to say that you should own up to it as your choice.

 

You can go to your H and tell him that in order to keep you around, x y and z needs must be met. THEN it is HIS choice as to whether doing x,y and z are worth keeping the marriage. And YOUR choice to stay or go based on whether he complies.

 

Other people can do you wrong and frustrate the hell out of you. You have a right to have needs met in a marriage, but your H also has the right to refuse, and take the risk of losing you.

 

What I am trying to say is that in the end you can only control your own behavior and only act based on your own cost/benefit ratios. Trying to put the affair off on your H IS projection, sorry!

 

But if you are not getting what you want, and what you have is not worth staying for, then just get out!

 

If you want to try to work it out then you SHOULD work it out honestly and tell him about the A. Doesn't matter how you rationalize it. It is the fair and respectful thing to do.

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I refuse to reveal the A to clear my conscience

 

This attitude will continue to eat away at your self respect. If you don't respect yourself, why would anyone else?

 

I blame him for the circumstances that lead up to the A

 

You should focus on your own actions and take responsibility for them instead of pointing fingers.., the bitterness is coming across very thick, that will certainly interfere with any hope of reconcilliation.

 

Sometimes an A is karma coming back around...you can take that to the bank

 

You are full of anger so you decide to react by having an affair and justifying it by saying Karma made you do it? Are you prepared for when karma comes back around for ya? :eek:

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Darth Vader
I find this post very disturbing....

 

Why cheat on your husband when you could have left him? If things are this bad -- and if he's been like this for 8 years -- then why even stay married to him? I'm sure your life with this man is stressful, but any hope you had of even (possibly) fixing your marriage left the building when you decided to 'fall into the arms of another man'.

 

 

How can you label Darth as pure projection when you have already stated that your husband's actions pushed you into the arms of another man? The projection was already there in your original post. I hate to be the one to shatter your false sense of reality, but your affair was the act of selfishness, not your husband's lack of cooperation in your marriage. You were the one who made the decision to screw around after all, so quite honestly this is all you, not him.

 

 

This woman is full of BS! Blaming her husband for her actions, it's outrageous!:sick: Then what? She's gonna come after me for speaking the truth? She can't handle the TRUTH! Neither can she handle me! She's the one who's gonna get bit in the :lmao: in the end. As far as her affair goes, someone saw them I'm sure, they'll be talking soon enough! I have a sense in the force that this woman will never return, could be wrong, but hey, even Yoda was wrong from time to time.

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