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Hi, I am new. And I have a question


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child_of_isis

What do you think is going on when a guy prefers the company of his friends, to that of his family/home/etc.?

 

My SO of 13 years just left (for the 3rd time in a month or so). He gets angry when I confront him about being out with his friends and leaving me home alone. He screams "I'm not doing anything, blah blah" packs his bags and leaves.

 

I actually confronted him about maybe being gay and he flipped. (This probably wasn't the grandest of idea, but it was going through my head) Which led to the first packing of bags. The second time, I freaked out on him for being out, he packed his bags and left. The 3rd time, I went to see a friend (girl), came home, his bags were packed. It seems as if he is punishing me by packing his bags...but punishing me for what? I am usually the one at home. He is out with his budz boozing it up.

 

Then he'll call, wanting to come home. This time though, I packed up all of his stuff, had his brother to come and get it (4 truckloads full) and am ignoring his phone calls.

 

I am so clueless as to what is going on. Clueless I tell ya.

 

One part of me is saying it is a certain (male) friend of his, another is thinking it is just women.

 

Did I say clueless? Things have gotten really weird lately. This probably makes no sense whatsoever.

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whichwayisup

Do you have children? I certainly hope not because this guy sounds like a real immature JERK. He needs to grow up!! Or, he's having a mid-life crisis or something.

 

Maybe suggest to him it's time to go to marriage counselling to try to fix and save the marriage. If he isn't willing to do that, then maybe you two need to be apart, or divorce. But, 13 years is alot to throw away too......

 

Couples need to go and have their own time, with friends, or do hobbies alone, but he sounds excessive!! Something is going on so hopefully he'll talk to you. You deserve the truth. Why not write him a letter, pour all your thoughts and feelings, what you want to say to him then he'll read it. Ask him if is unhappy, and if his needs aren't being met. I don't know what else to tell you, but the way he is acting is stupid. Be the mature one, talk to him first, don't ignore his calls because that just adds fuel to the fire.

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you told your SO of 13 years you think hes Gay? Not that theres anything wrong with that, but id flip out too if my SO of 13 years said that.

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child_of_isis

The child is grown. 20 and in college.

 

We are apart now. After the last time he packed his bags, he has been calling. Wanting to make up.

 

He also lies a lot. Even about things that don't even matter. He has become very deceptive and secretive.

 

It is almost like I am the enemy. The one he must escape from. I consider myself an extremely easy going person, I said nothing about the nights out. Somewhere along the way, I became the doormat. Nights out didn't even require a phone call home.

 

My "nights out" usually consist of 3 or 4 hours with a friend. I get tired of sitting home alone. And of which the last time he once again packed his bags.

 

Any talking I try to do brings a very defensive reaction from him. No, make that an explosive defensive reaction.

 

Consider this scenario: One time, he and I and this friend of his were at home partying. Suddenly, they had to run into town, just out of the blue (evidently this was being planned behind my back?). They were coming right back. For several hours, I sat and waited, then finally went to bed. The next day I mentioned it and got an explosive "I wasn't doing anything".

 

This is the kind of crap I am dealing with. I do not dare to question nor come between him and his friends...but this one more so in particular.

 

Something is weird...to say the least. I thought I knew this man. I have always been number uno in is world.

 

Then bam! I'm nothing but someone who stays at home, does the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.

 

I think he is wanting the best of both worlds. A "mommy" at home, and complete freedom to do as he pleases.

 

Do you have children? I certainly hope not because this guy sounds like a real immature JERK. He needs to grow up!! Or, he's having a mid-life crisis or something.

 

Maybe suggest to him it's time to go to marriage counselling to try to fix and save the marriage. If he isn't willing to do that, then maybe you two need to be apart, or divorce. But, 13 years is alot to throw away too......

 

Couples need to go and have their own time, with friends, or do hobbies alone, but he sounds excessive!! Something is going on so hopefully he'll talk to you. You deserve the truth. Why not write him a letter, pour all your thoughts and feelings, what you want to say to him then he'll read it. Ask him if is unhappy, and if his needs aren't being met. I don't know what else to tell you, but the way he is acting is stupid. Be the mature one, talk to him first, don't ignore his calls because that just adds fuel to the fire.

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child_of_isis

I just read through your post again (whichwayisup), and noticed the "do not ignore his calls"....let me give you my justification for ignoring his calls. I would like some feedback.

 

First of all, he broke our number one rule. Nothing nor anyone is to come before the relationship. During hard times, we ride it out until it's good again. We have built 13 years on this very premise. I could have somewhat ignored (and mostly did) him putting someone/something before the relationship, but for him to leave during a "hard time" (3 times) is almost unforgivable. This goes against everything that we are about.

 

#2. I don't think that I will believe anything he says.

#3. He will tell me what I want to hear, not the truth, just to come home. And absolutely nothing will change. He will just become better at lying/deceiving.

 

So, evidently, I have lost all trust and hope. In both the man and the relationship.

 

I think I may have posted this in the wrong section.

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IfWishesWereHorses

No doubt that something is going on... man, woman, drugs?? You ARE the enemy because to do something that hurts another person you have to make them into the enemy to justify it. If he is getting defensive then he is gaslighting and that's a bad sign as well as abusive. When someone says to you I want you to believe my lies and accept my bad behavior and then I'm going to threaten you and blame you.... that is abuse.

Check out this link and look into the signs of emotional abuse, see how much applies and make a decision. [COLOR=#800080]What is Gaslighting? - Associated Content[/COLOR]

 

I believe that the separation is a good thing for you to get things right in your head without his imput. I believe that at the moment talking to him is not a good idea for you. You seem to know how he will respond and question your ability to stand up to him. Here is another good link that will help you to make a decision for yourself.

[COLOR=#800080]hb.com[/COLOR]

 

I think you know that his behavior is going to cycle in the same way that it always has, there will be reconcilliation then a period of calmness, then back to unrest, then conflict or acting out, then it starts all over. Cycles have to be broken. Read thse links and see if it sounds familiar.

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So he just packs his bags everytime? Werid, childish, and immature.

 

I probably wouldn't let him come back until I seen some change and he meant it. Separation is probably a good idea for the moment. Gives you time to figure things out.

 

But I'd check into some MC and see if you both can get back on track. It doesn't sound like you can have an adult conversation without him packing.

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child_of_isis

The link on gaslighting was very enlightening. I read it twice already. That is exactly what is going on.

 

Every time I confront him about something and he explodes....I feel like something is wrong with me.

 

 

 

So, my thinking has been....instead of exploding and getting defensive he should instead be reassuring. Not only is that too much to ask, it is completely normal thought on my part.

 

Am I getting this right?

 

 

Truthfully, I don't consider myself overly needy or anything. I am very capable of enjoying a night at home alone. Nor am I constantly accusing him of affairs and such.

 

Going out occassionally is fine, but this has reached a point of disrespect. And the disrespect makes me angry.

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child_of_isis

Something I am not understanding here...this "gaslighting" is new behavior.

 

Two things are really standing out in my mind that he has said to me recently.

 

One was...I can't talk to you when you are like this. The other...I am not listening to this crap.

 

 

Both of these were said during one of his recent "wanting to come home" phases.

 

For 13 years, if I felt wronged, he would listen, acknowledge my feelings, apologize and on we would go with our life.

 

So, this "gaslighting" is totally out of character. I don't know what to make of it.

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There doesn't seem to be any understanding in this relationship. When you "confront" him, that implies that you create confrontation. The most important thing in any relationship is communication, and you don't try to communicate your feelings to him in a non-threatening way.

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Did I understand correctly and this is new behavior for him? If so, in my opinion, he either has a serious alcohol problem, is having an affair, or both.

 

I would not let him come back. You have to put your foot down. You HAVE become a doormat, as you said. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to act like he's single that you'll let him do it on his own. That you're not going to sit around and wait for him to come home each and every time. He's taking total advantage of you.

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IfWishesWereHorses
Something I am not understanding here...this "gaslighting" is new behavior.

 

 

So, this "gaslighting" is totally out of character. I don't know what to make of it.

 

Then that is because there is a reason for it. Projecting and deflecting are simply unhealthy ways to deal with guilt and shame.

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Trialbyfire
One was...I can't talk to you when you are like this. The other...I am not listening to this crap.

 

 

Both of these were said during one of his recent "wanting to come home" phases.

 

For 13 years, if I felt wronged, he would listen, acknowledge my feelings, apologize and on we would go with our life.

 

So, this "gaslighting" is totally out of character. I don't know what to make of it.

My assumption is that if he felt wronged in the past, you would also listen, acknowledge and apologize.

 

With this assumption in mind, he's definitely stonewalling you. It's the perfect way to not have to justify his behaviour. My personal take on this would be that if he's unwilling to communicate, there's no chance for a future together unless you're willing to put up with a "take it or leave it" style relationship.

 

Set your boundaries. Don't take him back unless he fully discloses his issues. Even then, depending on the issues, you may feel that life's too short to waste on someone non-appreciative.

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child_of_isis

Trust me, I have tried communication. He "got it" a long time ago. This is why I have become angry over the treatment.

 

The alcohol is the underlying issue I am sure. He even admitted that this morning. But only after I left a voice mail along the lines of "continuous drinking with your budz and leaving me at home, is what started this mess". To me, that means that he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. So he can come back home.

 

I busted him on it and he got a bit defensive.

 

After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that it just doesn't explain his attitude change toward me. And I pointed this out to him. So now he knows that this cannot be used as an excuse.

 

 

So, I want to cover some points that I have been thinking about.

First of all, due to his anger toward me, I believe if he were having an affair, he would be flaunting his new prize. Unless she is married....

Truthfully, the SO is not all that comfy around women. No women friends. I am just realizing that he prefers the company of men. Particuarly when drinking.

 

Until I find out the real truth, he is not going to be in my world. I called and told him that. I told him when he can tell me the absolute truth of what is going on...then he can call me.

 

He said "okay" with fake enthusiasm or optimism or something.

He is cornered. I haven't a clue as to how this is going to play out.

 

I want to say that I am extremely thankful for your replies. This forum is helping me to work things out in my head. Please keep the replies coming.

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