In-house brother in law threatening marriage

[Macawli]

Just discovered this site and am hoping others can offer some input, comments and/or advice.

 

My situation is similar to that in another thread about a guy frustrated by his wife putting her dysfunctional sister ahead of him. Here's my story (sorry for the length)...

 

A year and a half ago, my then girl-friend (whose father had recently died and whose little brother (aged 19) had suffered a near-fatal accident) told me that she wanted her other brother (aged 22) to move to our town and move in with us so that he could get his life together. He wasn't doing well emotionally and his home situation wasn't great. I agreed but thought it was reasonable to expect, after some time to get his head on straight, that he would get a job, possibly help us out with rent, get his driver's license, and/or his high school. The eventual goal would be for him to build his self-esteem and be able to take care of himself. The brother has always lacked motivation and I feared a temporary stay would become permanent. His living with us would be tough in terms of privacy for my girlfriend and me, but I was more than happy to make the sacrifice - but not indefinitely. My girlfriend refused to accept any expectations, feeling that her brother was too fragile and wouldn't understand. I relented because I really had no choice (how could I not allow him to come when he needed help?)

 

Anyway, fast forward to the present and I'm now married. The brother has yet to leave our home. At the present time, he has no job and hasn't done anything to improve his employability prospects. Because he spends whatever he makes, he has no money saved, so even if he wanted to, couldn't afford first and last month's rent for a place of his own. I have protested this situation throughout the last year and a half and now, my wife is threatening to leave with her brother.

 

How did it get to this point? Well, after moving in, the brother spent a few months not doing anything - not looking for work, or more importantly, not doing things necessary to improve his prospects. I didn't expect much, and certainly not as soon as he arrived, but I thought it was reasonable for him to take advantage of the opportunity he now had to get his life in order. I also was surprised that he didn't take it upon himself to help out around the house on a regular basis - say make it his job to do the dishes a few times a week. After a while I started to resent this and did not accept his supposedly fragile state as reason for him not to make some sort of effort. My wife didn't agree and defended her brother at all times. I naturally have trouble tolerating those who lack motivation, especially when others have to take up the slack (my wife is actually the same way about this kind of people, except when it comes to family). Having no recourse, I started to give the cold shoulder to the brother, which obviously fostered more resentment in my wife. I feel guilty about treating her brother this way, but I just couldn't stand the sight of him. Passive agressiveness is stupid, I know, but I'm as guilty of stupidity as anyone.

 

After about four months, he finally got a job, but rather than contribute to the bills, or better yet, save his money, he blew it all. And we're talking a lot of money - on candy, pot and who knows what else. My wife disagreed (yet more resentment) with my suggestion that he contribute to bills, if for no other reason than it would provide him with some responsibility he had never had to deal with and prevent him from wasting his money. We could even have set the money aside so he could use it to rent his own place eventually. My cold-shouldering continued, despite my trying more than once at my wife's request to be more civil. I just felt that I (and we) was being taking advantage of. Not only was he spending all of his money, but he was then borrowing large amounts of money from my wife, which because I was paying for most things, meant he was essentially borrowing from me. I also resented not having any say in what goes on in my own home and how long a guest stays. My wife thought that her brother should stay "as long as he needed", which I saw as a recipe for disaster. The brother's attitude and lack of motivation bore this out.

 

My wife and I almost didn't get married, but managed to patch things up enough by the big day. A month later, the three of us moved to a new house with a basement room for the brother. It was finally agreed that he would pay some rent. There was more privacy, but I still felt as though my space wasn't my own. The younger brother also moved in with us for about seven months, but has since moved out. The original brother continued to work, but only limited hours, after which, his friends would come over nearly every night and hang out in the basement. There was plenty of opportunity for him to upgrade his education but he preferred to hang out with friends. Rent was never paid on time because he was alway short the funds. By his own admission, he was spending $600 a month on pot and smoking it with his friends in my basement. I made significant effort to research a college course he seemed interested in and even tutored him for the high school equivalency test. But he gave up after less than a week.

 

Finally, opportunity seemed to knock. My wife's mother needed to get away from a lousy boyfriend and so it was suggested she and the brother get a place together in town. The brother had also just received a large tax return, enough to cover first and last rent. Unfortunately, with cheque in hand and not liking the prospect of living with mom, he quit his job, invited his friends to stay at our house for several nights running, got angry when my wife confronted him, and then left town for a week. He returned jobless and my wife unilaterally decided that he could skip out on rent until he found a job, so that he would have money to move in with his mom.

 

That was over two months ago. I'm looking at yet another month without rent, the brother has spent all of his money, and he still has no job. He has admittedly been handing out resumes, but he's not exactly the most employable guy. I expressed my frustrations to my wife and that seemed to be the final straw. Every concern I expressed over the last year and a half that only bred further resentment and defensiveness has turned out to have merit.

 

Am I missing something? Am I wrong to feel as though I was taken advantage of (there have been numerous other examples I've left out, as well as other instances when I've tried to help the brother out)? Am I just being selfish to expect some privacy in my own home after a period of time? Or to not have to repeatedly suffer the consequences of another's irresponsibility?

[UsernameRemoved]

If I've read this right then you're the primary breadwinner for yourself your wife and her brother. He is disrespecting you, your home and your wife which doesn't seem likely to ever change. Even if you found a place for this guy with really low or even free from rent, I bet he would somehow end up back in your basement.

I think you need to sit your wife down and tell her how much it is all getting to you, maybe even stay at a friends for the weekend so she can have time alone to think about what you say.

If this fails, maybe try and find a website dedicated to people like your brother in law and see how they finally turned themselves around then point him in that direction.

 

I'm sorry I can't be any more helpful but I've never experienced this myself so I don't know what else to suggest.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I missing something? Am I wrong to feel as though I was taken advantage of (there have been numerous other examples I've left out, as well as other instances when I've tried to help the brother out)? Am I just being selfish to expect some privacy in my own home after a period of time? Or to not have to repeatedly suffer the consequences of another's irresponsibility?

Well, you have two issues that not surprisingly revolve around the two principals in this drama. The first one is easy. I'd give your BIL 30 days to get together whatever resources he has and then lock him out. You've hit the nail on the head - you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves. One could justify supporting and housing him if he was working towards something, but his nightly Bob Marley tribute (BTW - isn't pot illegal? Is that what you want under your roof?) needs to hit the road.

 

The second issue - your wife - is a much tougher one. The fact that she would take her brother's side against you is disturbing on many levels. And she is going to leave you over this? While I'm sure some would say "good riddance", I think you should at least ascertain what her committment to you and your marriage is going to be. I hope things get better for you - so far, not the smoothest start to married life

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lynna]

Have you talked to your wife about going to marriage counseling? Maybe it would help to have a neutral third party to help you and your wife talk about your concerns. I have known people in similar situations, sometimes tough love is required. As Mr. Lucky said, you cannot help someone if they don't want to help themselves, and unfortunately this might apply to your wife as well as your BIL.

 

Allowing him to stay in your house with no consequences for his actions is a recipie for disaster as any parent knows. Have you ever seen a parent and child in a store and the child is throwing a temper tantrum over wanting a particular item. The parent keeps threatening punishment if the child does not behave, If you don't stop we are going to go home right now, if you don't stop I won't get you this toy, etc. But, if the parent does not immediately follow through on the threat, the child will know that they can get away with that behavior. Sounds like the family has been enabling his behavior in this way all his life. That is not healthy for anyone, especially for him. You are not helping him by enabling, supporting, and essentially condoning his behavior. I hope your wife can come to see that. Good luck!