Is this fair or am I being selfish?

[ConfusedButLoved]

Little background...

 

My hubby is 14 years older than I. We have a very good relationship, and we each have one biological child, and my hubby has a teen stepdaughter and they all live with us. Since they have been living here (since the beginning of Jan.) my hubby and I don't get to go out and do couple things. He works almost non stop with a 9-5 and then he builds flash websites at home. I am doing the stay at home mom thing for now. We have a girl next door who can baby sit for us. I have been asking my husband almost every weekend if we can go out, and there is always some kind of excuse why we can't. I do know hes busy, and I don't want people telling me he's being selfish because his reasons are valid and I understand them, but again I am young and I would still like to go out at least once a month.

 

Last night I was just bored to death and really stressed out with staying with the kids all day (they fight constantly) and I really needed a beer. There are several little pubs up and down the street we live on. I went to one of them about 8:45 or 9 and had a beer and chatted with a few regulars. Aparantly it was poker night so someone was trying to show me how the game was played. I didn't stay long, ended up having another beer and came home around 10 or 10:30.

 

Hubby didn't seem to mind that I went out alone. We trust each other and are not possessive. I don't really feel bad for going out by myself, but then again I do. Kind of hard to explain how I feel. I just sit with the kids all day and hear them argue and fight and then the oldest girl (hubby's stepdaughter) is always needing me to take her here and take her there and my air compressor is out in my car and its freakin 100 degrees or more out here and at the end of the day, I just don't fee like being at home anymore I get sick of being cooped up all day I feel like I live in a cage sometimes.

 

In you're opinion, is it wrong or damaging for a marriage if one or the other goes out alone (without friends or a spouse)? I have no friends at all in this area. I get very depressed from not having any adults to hang around. I am not flirty or a tease, I don't go out to get attention or try to start a fling. I am very careful with my body language so as not to give the wrong impression, but I have to admit it was nice to socialize a bit with people my own.

 

Any thoughts? (sorry this got longer than I wanted it to)

[whichwayisup]

He should be making special time for you. Sorry, but him saying he's too tired or busy is an excuse as that means he's content with 'just how things are...' Problem with that is, you're lonely and you two NEED to get out of the house, have husband/wife time alone. He is neglecting your needs, so you gotta speak up and TELL him.

 

Another thing is, start meeting new people (women) so you can make friends. Join a gym, start a hobby, something that will get you out there.

 

There's nothing wrong with going out without your spouse, it's healthy! Problem is, he needs to go out with you too!

[ConfusedButLoved]

Wow just forget everything I just wrote. We just had an arguement about the whole thing. I told him I wanted to go out again for a beer and he blew up, telling me he didn't want his girlfriend out on a friday night with a bunch of drunk guys trying to get laid. I really don't know how I feel now. Just his whole attitude about the whole thing makes me sick. I think he thinks I just sit on my lil ass all day and I don't do anything when in reality, I am breaking up fights between the kids, having to meet all of there unquenchable needs, driving people here and there, and in the midst of all this trying to keep the house in order. Now I'm just trying to drink my tears away.

 

I probably should start a new thread about this. It opens a whole new story about some problems we are having in our marriage.

[Lizzie60]

My first ex was 11 years older than me... and he was also very 'boring' type...rarely wanted to go out... blablabla... like your husband...

 

I think age is a factor... I don't know how old you are...but if you're let's say 35...he's 49...it's like another generation almost.

 

He's being unfair to you... you need to speak up and tell him that if he doesn't go out with you...you'll go without him...period!

 

Put your foot down!

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow just forget everything I just wrote. We just had an arguement about the whole thing. I told him I wanted to go out again for a beer and he blew up, telling me he didn't want his girlfriend out on a friday night with a bunch of drunk guys trying to get laid. I really don't know how I feel now. Just his whole attitude about the whole thing makes me sick. I think he thinks I just sit on my lil ass all day and I don't do anything when in reality, I am breaking up fights between the kids, having to meet all of there unquenchable needs, driving people here and there, and in the midst of all this trying to keep the house in order. Now I'm just trying to drink my tears away.

 

I probably should start a new thread about this. It opens a whole new story about some problems we are having in our marriage.

Dang, I was just going to post that your pub nights out could create some perceived problems for you when I read your last post - the problems are already here. Does your H build these websites for money? Do you have financial issues that require he works two jobs? What activities do you go out and do as a family? Does your H participate in those?

 

More info, please...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ConfusedButLoved]

My first ex was 11 years older than me... and he was also very 'boring' type...rarely wanted to go out... blablabla... like your husband...

 

I think age is a factor... I don't know how old you are...but if you're let's say 35...he's 49...it's like another generation almost.

 

He's being unfair to you... you need to speak up and tell him that if he doesn't go out with you...you'll go without him...period!

 

Put your foot down!

 

I'm 22 and he's 37. Yes, age is a factor in our relationship. I have to say we don't have many problems from the age difference, but this problem is the biggest one we've run into.

[ConfusedButLoved]

Dang, I was just going to post that your pub nights out could create some perceived problems for you when I read your last post - the problems are already here. Does your H build these websites for money? Do you have financial issues that require he works two jobs? What activities do you go out and do as a family? Does your H participate in those?

 

More info, please...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes he is doing side jobs because we need some extra money for a new car and we are also trying to move, but even before he was taking side jobs it was like this. Yes we have financial issues, we are trying to support 3 kids and also my car is breaking down too much (hence us buying a new one). As far as activities, we go out on weekends usualy, not anything special, just out to eat, maybe to a park or a bookstore. He is a grea family guy. But thing is he sees the importance of us spending time as a family, and he says he sees the importance of us being a couple, yet he makes no effort (or so it seems to me) to spend time alone with me. Just tonight in our arguement, I came in thinking he was still working and he was playing World of Warcraft. I was obviously upset because he didn't seem interested in spending time for me. THen when I told him how it hurt me he said I was nagging and that he just worked 14 hours working and wanted to relaz. I just don't know why I can't be relazing. I am his wife after all. I told him if he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore then I might as well leave because all I am is his nanny.

 

This is a really bad night.

[quankanne]

nope, it's not selfish to spend time pursuing individual hobbies ... provided that you both are in agreement that it doesn't take away from time together!

 

if he pitches a fit about you going out for a beer or two tell him it's time to spell things out about what constitutes *appropriate* time apart, and for what reason. Then non-threateningly bring up the fact that what little opportunity for couple time is eaten up by his work or your parenting, and that y'all need to dedicate a time where it's just the two of you – the kids are old enough to fend for themselves for a couple of hours, right?

 

meanwhile, look into an evening class or hobby that gets you out of the house, but doesn't make the family feel threatened the way an evening alone at the neighborhood bar does. It might mean catching free movie night at the public library, doing stuff at the local bookstore or coffeeshop, or even classes offered by a local church or fabric store.

[Woggle]

There is nothing wrong with it at all. Just because you are married doesn't mean that you don't have the right to go out and enjoy yourself Your husband sounds like a nagging wife.

[VIP]

I think that you are too young to be married. Married women are not supposed to go to the bar in the night by themselves. Also you seem to have a problem with alcohol. If you need a beer, cannot you drink it at home? Your husband is working 14 hours to support the family. There are 24 hours in a day. He has 10 hours left to sleep and to do everything else. Do you not see that? Don't you care? Even if he worked only 8 hours a day, he would still need to relax and unwind after a hard work's day. You are not a nanny, you are a mother and a step mother. Did you imagine your husband was going to pay a babysitter while you are being at home doing nothing? I don't think so. Probably the best thing for you will be to go to work. I doubt it that you would want to go out every day after you came home from work.

[Lizzie60]

I'm 22 and he's 37. Yes, age is a factor in our relationship. I have to say we don't have many problems from the age difference, but this problem is the biggest one we've run into.

 

You are way too young in this case. You are totally on a different page... almost a generation apart.... he could almost be your dad.

 

You say this is the only problem... for now... I'm sure more and more problems will eventually be added... because the fact that you want to go 'clubbing' or whatever, will eventually create other problems inside your couple...

 

If you were 37 and he was 52 it would not be the same, you'd be more on the same 'page' per se, with kind of the same 'interests'...

 

Fifteen years difference is not uncommon, especially when the man is the older...

[pink smartie]

nope, it's not selfish to spend time pursuing individual hobbies ... provided that you both are in agreement that it doesn't take away from time together!

 

if he pitches a fit about you going out for a beer or two tell him it's time to spell things out about what constitutes *appropriate* time apart, and for what reason. Then non-threateningly bring up the fact that what little opportunity for couple time is eaten up by his work or your parenting, and that y'all need to dedicate a time where it's just the two of you – the kids are old enough to fend for themselves for a couple of hours, right?

 

meanwhile, look into an evening class or hobby that gets you out of the house, but doesn't make the family feel threatened the way an evening alone at the neighborhood bar does. It might mean catching free movie night at the public library, doing stuff at the local bookstore or coffeeshop, or even classes offered by a local church or fabric store.

 

I think this is great advice. Yes there is an age difference, but the one thing you both need to work on is how to communicate your needs, especially since you seem to be going through a tough time right now.

 

In fact, your state of mind worries me more then his behavior right now. You seem to be feeling down - if not depressed. Fortunately, you are looking for solutions to help you out of it, one of them being him making more time for the two of you, the other being you going out on your own. Does he know that this is what's going on? Does he know how drained and lonely you feel? Have you clearly and calmly told him so?

[justagirliegirl]

Why not go out and get a job of some sort. That would cure your boredom, you could make some friends, and bring in extra money for the household.

 

The bar thing probably isn't a good idea. Hanging out in a bar could lead to alcoholism when you are feeling bored and neglected.

[Jig]

I think I know how you feel in so many ways. The one thing I can tell you is don't lose yourself I got married at 21 and thats what I did now I'm having a very hard time realizing who I am again because I'm getting sick of only being known as "his" wife.

 

I also understand the needing money thing but also needing time. My point that I made to my husband was "yes I know we are need the money but we need eachother also or by the time we get the money we will no longer have a relationship." Maybe you guys could get out more if it didn't cost much try suggesting a picnic or a trip to the lake. A couple hours a week from him is not to much to ask.

 

And tell him no matter what mean words are not okay attacking the other persons character has never helped anything

[LuminousZ]

The bar thing probably isn't a good idea. Hanging out in a bar could lead to alcoholism when you are feeling bored and neglected.

 

Brilliant Point of View!

 

 

From your description, I sense a failure to communicate.., so to speak!

 

If your goal is to spend more quality time with your H, going out/drinking beers without him isn't the way.., you will create more problems...,

[Walk]

I agree with the suggestion of getting a job. Not because you don't play an important part in raising those kids, or that your "lazy" or anything like that... I think your role as the parental figure is incredibly important and a difficult task to do day in and day out.... But you need something that will allow you to interact with adults, get you out of the house, help with your own sense of pride and accomplishment.

 

It kind of sounds as if both of you are feeling unappreciated for your efforts to keep the family going. What if you bargained for getting more time as a couple with your husband? Like instead of getting a more expensive car, settle for the rust bucket that runs well. Or maybe reparing the car you have would be less expensive right now then buying a new one? You don't really need air conditioning in a car... its nice.. but would you rather have air conditioning or time with your husband? What else could you offset in order to reduce the bills so he wouldn't have a reason to work 14 hour days? We have discount grocery stores around here that offer generic brands for nearly a quarter what we pay at the chain grocery stores. Its a hassle cause they don't bag your stuff (they sometimes have boxes to put stuff in), and you have to be a bit less picky about some stuff... but the savings are really big.

 

I think if you were able to show him how much it means to you, and the things you're willing to do in order to make it happen.... he might realize you're not "nagging" but trying to express how important it is to you. It might also show him that you do realize how hard he works, and that you are putting in effort to ease that burden.

 

But personally, I can understand how he might see a request for going out more often as one more thing you want from him. If he's already paying all the bills, already working extra hours to buy a new car for you, already working the equivalent of two full time jobs... then he's going to see a request to go out as just one more thing that you want from him. I think you'd get farther by showing him you're willing to go out of your way to make this work... not that you are only going to do exactly what you've always done but expect him to do even more in return. But that you've increased your effort in areas that will reduce his in order to get this thing that you want.

 

Try comprimise. If that doesn't work... then he's just an ass. Leave him.

[Mr. Lucky]

But you need something that will allow you to interact with adults, get you out of the house, help with your own sense of pride and accomplishment.

Good idea. Lots of things suggested here that don't have the bad relationship vibes of hanging out at a bar. Two separate issues here - should you have time on your own (yes!) and is the local pub a good use of that time (no)...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ConfusedButLoved]

I was hoping that me revealing our age differance wouldn't stir up doubt in my ability of being a good mother and wife. Yes, I realize I am very young, and yes if this were a normal circumstance I would definately say that I am too younge to be married, but what you must understand is, due to my very poor decision making in my late teens, I had a baby at 20 without the father around to help us out. I had to weigh alot of options and came to the decision that getting married and settling down was the best route to go. I am still happy with my decision, I feel bad complaining because we really have a wonderful family and I have a good life. It's alright if some of you doubt that we don't have alot of problems stemming from the difference in age, you don't live in my home and see all that goes on.

 

Just to clear things up, I am not lazy or refusing to work. I have been dying to get back to work shortly after I had my son. As much as I love my children I am not a homebody and I miss the adult interaction and the feeling of helping the family financially, however since I don't have any high working skills, I would be spending more money in childcare for the kids than I would be making. Also my children arn't insured right now (something else we are trying to fix) and I would hate to send them off to the germ factory, or better known as daycare and extended care.

 

I am not a brat. I don't expect my hard working husband to come home after working all day to dress up and sweep me out the door to an all night romantic evening. I just can't remember the last time we went out, just him and I.

 

The car we are using now is the car my grandmother gave me. It's old and paid for and I love not having any car payments, however we have spent almost a grand fixing things here and there and will be out another grand if we fix whats wrong with it now. Litterally every time we fix something, something else breaks down, so we talked it over and decided getting a newer used car would make more sense than repeatedly spending money on a car that is obviously on its way to the junkyard.

 

We had a pretty long, deep conversation last night. It was pretty heated for awhile but we both got some things off our chest and it felt great. We decided either of us going out alone wasn't a very good idea and hopefully we can work on making a way for us to leave the kids with the sitter and going to watch a movie or something.

 

And by the way, for the record, I am not an alcoholic. I don't consider me having two beers to be any indication that I am. In fact, that was the first time I'd had a beer in a few months. I am a mother I don't go around getting myself inebriated. It was just a very stressful day that day and I just wanted to sit down someplace other than the house and relax with a beer. I'm sure some of you know what I mean.

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I do need to get out more during the day. I might even leave the kids with the sitter maybe one day out of the week for a few hours and find a good book club or something.

[whichwayisup]

What about joining a mothers group, with other women with kids? And, definately join a book club, or take up a hobby which puts you out there so you can make some female friends.

 

Good that you and your H talked, atleast now he's aware of what you're feeling inside and hopefully together, you two can find alone time and bond, like a husband and wife should be doing so they don't grow apart and feel neglected and unappreciated.

[Woggle]

I still don't see what is so wrong with having a drink by yourself. Both my wife and I do it all the time and it doesn't cause any problems. I can see if you were getting drunk all the time or flirting with guys but you just wanted to get out the house and have a drink. Your husband sounds too controlling to me.

[whichwayisup]

If they live in a small town (all of a sudden that John Cougar song Small Town is in my head...) he's probably more concerned what other people will think if they see his wife, alone in a bar having a beer.

 

There's nothing wrong with a spouse going out on their own once in a while, I agree with you 100% on that one Wog.

[Walk]

Thanks for the suggestions. I do need to get out more during the day. I might even leave the kids with the sitter maybe one day out of the week for a few hours and find a good book club or something.

 

How about signing up for a class at the community college? Most of the people I met while taking classes were non-traditional students with children. They even had a day care for the children of students (not sure what the cost was though) You could pick away at an associate degree while getting out of the house and meeting new and intelligent people. Plus, it might set a good example for your child that an education is important no matter what age you are.

 

But if you're ever thinking of going back to work after the kids are older, then you're going to need some skills to offer... other wise, no matter what job you get, its not going to be worth what they pay ya. (the cheap b-tards)

 

And with only your husband working, and the number of dependents you have, then you could potentially get the Pell grant (or any number of other grants offered) so that you wouldn't have to pay for tuition or books. Then you'd have a few years to pick away at a degree, might get more of a feeling of accomplishment then a book club would offer, and have something substantial to offer employers when you do have the ability to enter the work force again.

 

This is just a suggestion (above).

[Darth Vader]

I don't know if you two are married or not, but why hasn't anyone said anything about marriage counseling? As far as you going to bars, well, I can understand where your hubby's going on that one, just picture, you walk in, there's a whole bunch of men in there, they're not just there for the beer and pretzels, they're looking to get laid hard!