Alienated from family functions by my husband

[Jolene]

Can anyone hazzard a guess why my husband wants to stay in our marriage of 8 months when he cannot forgive me for things that I do to upset him?

 

He said he forgives me and loves me. But he is distancing himself and his family. He will not allow me to go with him to a family function this weekend (and indefinitely, but not permanently), because of a fight we had a month ago where I said I didn't feel like helping him do something to help his family because they were being too demanding, so he lied to me and said he told his dad and sister how mad he was at me. I sent them both an email in my defense and explaining that he has a family now and I wanted him to prioritize accordingly, and sorry if they were disappointed that I did not end up helping that weekend. Because he lied, the email made no sense. Now he is deeply ashamed (of me) as he seeks approval of his family.

 

So if he wants to deprive me of his love (emotionally) and does not want me to be a part of his family, what is there left?

 

I wonder....why does he want me to stay? Why and how can he love me if he cannot forgive me for things that are forgiveable and he wants to punish me and withdraw little by little.

 

His family has been distant since we got married anyway, so I won't miss them. But what matters is his attitude. I am sooooo confused.

 

Should I ignore his childish behaviour? I have been supportive, apologetic, enthousiastic, energetic, and I have tried to show him that I love him. I was so happy when he originally told me he forgives me for hurting (shaming) him. But when he said he isn't taking me to the family function this weekend, I knew he still has not forgiven me...possibly for many small transgressions of the past included.

 

Will he come around? Why does he want to stay together? Sex? (it cannot be that, as he can always go back to watching porn if we divorce), Money? (it cannot be that since I only make $52K Canadian, less than his $70K), Cooking and cleaning? (cannot be that, as he can do this and less of it without me in the house, HIS house), Appearances? (it cannot be this, as he is openly ashamed of me and not proud to show me to his family).

 

So why would a guy like this want me to stay? Any guesses? Could it be that he would be even more ashamed to explain to all of his friends and family (he seeks approval big time), to admit that his marriage flopped in less than a year, so he wants to stick it out for a bit before he pulls the plug?

 

Like I just don't get it!!! It's like he doesn't love me, but since he is passive and unemotional, I don't know if I am coming or going half the time.

[IpAncA]

Can anyone hazzard a guess why my husband wants to stay in our marriage of 8 months when he cannot forgive me for things that I do to upset him?

 

I had to go back and look at your threads. I knew this sounded familiar. Apparently the cord was never cut.

 

Here's a little story as I sort of know how you feel. My uncle never had the cord cut and he would bend over backwards for his side of the family. His W and children came third, behind work.

 

He's so brain washed that he feels that if they don't approve of what he does, he'll lose it. He can't think for himself and any major decisions do not include his W. It includes his family and he does what they think.

 

He's always been like this and will never change. And yes if his family didn't like his W or if she talked bad about them, he would get upset at his W and not include her in things.

 

So she ended up crossing over like he did just to keep the peace and even to this day she does it, is unhappy and currently they are divorcing. Honestly I'm surprised it lastest this long. That situation is enough to make one go insane.

 

Anyhow have you asked him why he feels his side of the family is more important then you? He really needs to cut this out.

 

IMO, I would stop trying to please his family and writing them e-mails.

[Jolene]

So whose idea was it for your uncle and his wife to get a divorce?

 

Like, if he wasn't marriage material, I wish I knew his family was going to control our happiness.

 

Do they think it is normal that he seeks their approval for everything? Why is he like this? Does it mean he doesn't love me?

 

When I point out that his priorities are not in the right place, he always either ignores me, walks away or says "so, you think I should decide between you and my family?"

 

I really don't think he loves me and so why does he even want me around?

[IpAncA]

So whose idea was it for your uncle and his wife to get a divorce?

 

His. His W ended up going nuts from everything and developed Bi-polar. Not saying that will happen to you so please don't think that.

 

Do they think it is normal that he seeks their approval for everything? Why is he like this? Does it mean he doesn't love me?

 

For my uncle's family, yes they think it's normal. In fact they think they know what's best for him and if he makes a choice they wouldn't, they would never let up. And what's sad is that he lets them do it. They do this to others also so it's not just him.

 

And in a way he needs them because he feels he can't survive without them.

 

I don't know why your H is like that but my uncle is like that because of his mother and being brainwashed. He still lives in the same house he grew up in and make a really sick vow.

 

When I point out that his priorities are not in the right place, he always either ignores me, walks away or says "so, you think I should decide between you and my family?"

 

He doesn't have to ignore his family but what he needs to do is stop letting his family come between the both of you. He needs to understand that it's coming between you two. And if he knows and you've explained this to him and still doesn't care, then you know where you stand IMO.

 

I really don't think he loves me and so why does he even want me around?

I'm sure he loves you. Have you asked him why he wants you around? I know that sounds like a stupid thing to ask but...

[Curmudgeon]

His. His W ended up going nuts from everything and developed Bi-polar.

 

Either she was bipolar or she wasn't. It's not a situational disorder like depression or panic can be. It's brain chemistry. You either have it or you don't.

[IpAncA]

Either she was bipolar or she wasn't. It's not a situational disorder like depression or panic can be. It's brain chemistry. You either have it or you don't.

I never said it was. I was just making an observation but yes she did go crazy from all the stress and such. Trust me on that. Anyone would.

 

This is just my experience and it's similar to the OP's.

[Jolene]

What crafty things do guys like this do during a divorce?